MKHow

It has been a long 6 years of drug abuse by our son. He has always been high functioning and we missed and excused far too many things over the years. His crafty manipulations fooled us all. We are wiser now and hopefully he is too. Six months in jail is better than dead we tell ourselves. It is possible he will be released soon under supervision and will likely return to live with us for a short time while he looks for work etc. Can't help but be a tiny bit afraid. I never knew anyone in recovery. Not interested in repeating our mistakes but only in providing a safe, loving environment for a (hopeful) new start. He will either rise or fall and that is just a horrible thing for a parent to realize. Other than a sober home and set rules is there any other advice anyone would give to us?

jerect

What are your boundaries? What is the absolute line that you will not cross when it comes to your son returning home? Having strong boundaries in place will help you not to become an enabler to your son. Keep in mind that boundaries are not for the addict but for yourself. They are there to keep your sanity in place.

Does your son have a recovery plan? Meetings, sponsors etc.. Recovery is a lot more than just providing a safe and loving environment. It boils down to changing his playground, playthings and the environment that he lived in before he was arrested.

Last and more importantly, what about you? If you aren't already I would highly recommend attending Alanon. Alanon literally saved my life and it gave me the tools to take the focus off of the addict and put the focus back on myself.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear MK, How old is your son? You mentioned 6 years of addiction, so this is obviously not a new issue. My son has been in and out of recovery (currently in) for 7 years and I understand your feelings of concern. My recommendation is to stand very very FIRM with your boundaries. Keep posting and keep grounded while you get to know your son again . Remember what it is like when they are using (so you can avoid denial again). Hopefully he learned something and can take the next step. My son spent two stints in the county jail. I think it helped him at least understand the consequences of his actions.

Ann

As others before me here already said, setting strong boundaries and being prepared to carry through on the consequences if needed, is the best advice I can think of.

He will pursue recovery through meetings or other support groups and stay clean...or he will use and the cycle will begin all over again. I pray, for your sake and his, that he stays clean, but having a good plan in place for if he doesn't is the best way you can help keep your sanity through all this.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

tomsteve

boundaries AND consequences.

MKHow

Our rules are few and simple to us at least. Follow the requirements of probation. Seek out rehab support and attend meetings on a regular basis if not required by the feds. Live clean and sober. After 6 years, I cannot say he knows what clean and sober looks like outside of jail. Right now much is still up in the air about what he will be required to do/complete if released - right now he has no sponsor, no plan but does attend AA in jail. He is currently out of state too.

MKHow

He is 22 and incredibly smart, high functioning and hard to read addict. This makes it tricky for sure. We are close despite his troubles thankfully. He is more than his past mistakes but we know he also has to believe this to want success.

tomsteve

so, ya got the rules down. good!
now how about the consequences?

Maudcat

Any chance he could live in a sober house or a halfway house instead of coming back to live with you? Might be be easier for everyone.
I don't really know one goes about doing this.
Just a thought.

MKHow

Well the consequence will first be with his parole officer. Our consequence would be that he does not live with us. Unfortunately, this isn't much of a consequence because he is self supportive and does not plan to be with us long if he is released. So that leaves us without much....any ideas?

allthatsgood

MKHow, I u nderstand your dilemma because I've been in the same boat for the last few years. My son, still actively using, is self supportive and high functioning and does not live with us. he asks nothing of my husband and I - he's got his girlfriend for that. It's just very difficult all around. Know that you are not alone - lots of support here

Twofish

Dear MK,
I'll chime in with my 2 cent advise.
Whilst in those 6 months in jail, was he able to seek recovery tools?
Like support groups? Education on addiction?
What are his conditions for release/parole? I assume ABSOLUTE sobriety...
can he be released to a sober living home? IOP? Is he talking the talk like he is interested in going to treatment or talking about post jail "aftercare?"
Are there weekly drug testing? I'm sorry I'm asking so many questions, but with my adult daughters (23 & 26), especially the younger one, she took her recovery plan as her priority, over everything. She spoke, woke, ate, worked and slept working her recovery plan. She lives in a sober living house. And works at a sober living company that only
employs addicts in recovery.
Recovery looks like recovery, and she's one of SR most shining stars. Me, well most of the SR family, knows I'm a big enabler, rescuer and want to "fix" it kind of momma. How wrong and damaging I was not only to my addicted girls but to myself as well.
Meetings are but a tool. IOP is a tool, understanding this disease and what it can do are crucial tools.
Listen to the PO, therapist and your gut.
Boundaries and consequences are great, but what is his
recovery plan, especially if a relaspe occurs? I'm projecting, but I also see myself in you.
Welcome to our world MK.!
Keep reading, asking questions and educating yourself on what recovery is all about., HIS AND YOURS.
Take very good care of yourself, after all this is a family disease, and it does hurt but there is also that beloved word...HOPE.
HUGS, WE CARE.
TF

Chino

I think it's the only acceptable consequence and takes you out of the loop. As far as punishment goes, that's all on the court. Well, and him too, because he's ultimately punishing himself if he screws up.

If he's going to stay with you -- I sincerely discourage that and it comes from my exhausting experience -- then have a firm date for him to move out asap and stick with it. If you don't, you will end up exhausted and worse for the wear.

My daughter needed to be gone when I gave her the final boot. She was clean, too. They are our children and it especially requires a herculean effort when they have a lifelong chronic disease, but it's manageable if they choose that.

Just like all adult children, they need to leave the nest or they will become crippled by it.

MKHow

In jail he did attend aa meetings but he does not believe in god so a faith based program is a complete turn off. For him it has been about the "game" - how can I manipulate situations to see what I can get out of it. He admitted that it got out of control and he did not realize how far gone he was. In the same breath he says, " I will fix this on my own" - yeah, that has never worked so well for him so .....At this point we will not know what is required until his sentencing hearing. He will either be in prison or get released with rules. It is a federal case so rules are different than state we hear. I assume absolute sobriety and meetings will be part of that. I would love to see him in a sober living community but he needs to make those choices with the court - if that is even an option. My gut says he will fail without help. Hard for a parent to swallow that. It has been a good many years but I feel like I am pretty solid and healthy in this journey ...for now. I truly believe that underlying brain injuries contributed and for now he is interested in educating himself on that and reprogramming his brain/thought processes...that is something we are pretty happy about. He is not interested in living with us long so a firm move out date will not be an issue. Again, he is self supportive. THank you all!

atalose

It is not a faith-based program.

Like going to AA….hummm lets the games begin

Ilovemysonjj

Dear MK, manipulation is one of my son's best "strong suits" and it has failed him miserably every time. So many friendships, relationships and opportunities are now lost due to his manipulation. I also am guilty of manipulating him to be under my control. I recommend if at ALL possible a sober living environment for him. He may get comfortable at home and you also might fall into that trap of thinking its the best thing for him.

Twofour

Im sorry for what you are going thru and welcome to the site. The people here have given me amazing support at some of the most challenging times in my life with my sons. sober living has been a place and the only place that my boys have worked on their own program. Never seemed to work out here under my roof. I read here once: Im giving you the dignity and respect to find your own way. I love you enough to stop cheating you out of growing yourself. I belive in you enough to know your gonna make healthier choices for yourself. I sold you short by stepping in all the time. our strong enough to do it yourself. take it for what it is but it has helped me thru the years hugs and prayers to you and your husband for the next chapter[/LIST]

aliciagr

My husband had a short term situation where he had to seek treatment to avoid charges being filed. The courts cannot force him to attend a specific program. My husband entered a rehab that was based on AA and he just hated it. It was a bit of a process but we were able to get permission for him to leave, and begin therapy instead with a psychologist who specialized in addiction medicine. It was short term requirement through the courts, but he found it helpful, and was able to get into a lot of underlying issues that were at the core of his problems. He decided to continue on his own which was great. I would suggest some family counseling also if everyone is willing. My husband and I found it helpful and its often defined as part of the overall recovery process. I would personally want anyone who spent time in jail to enter therapy because my feeling is that the experience could leave its own damage.

MKHow

Still here - this struggle, I have learned, is never ending. I am a fixer. Spent many years getting myself away from that thinking...but...it sneaks back in once and awhile. I know I cannot love someone happy or make them want better for themselves but there is that secret side of my mommy brain that wishes I could bring him into the 'light'...show him why life is so amazing. OK, I said it. I know we all think it from time to time. sigh.....

Anaya

MK How: Welcome to SR.

I just got on board with this thread, read your initial post, and the first thing that popped into my head was "boundaries" -- setting and keeping boundaries makes all the difference in the quest to keep one's head above water, in getting through and surviving this journey intact. On further reading, I see that others share the same idea.

Wishing your son continued recovery; as well, blessings and strength to all. Keep coming back.