TiredDad

It comes to my mind that I'm not sure what recovery really looks like.

I think I know what I would expect to see from my AW.
Actions as far as visable recovery program.
Attempt at reconciliation of relationship with her family and kids.
I don't know really do i.

Then there is me.
Am I doing the rite things?
I'm pretty knew to trying to work on me.
I haven't found a f2f meeting that works into my kids and my schedule.

I have read a ton of information. Talked with a counselor. Which I need to do more of.
Worked to set better boundaries.
Filed for divorce.

Really I find myself just finding my way through.

Jaeger

TiredDad,
Honeypig had a great post on the "Friends & Family of Alcoholics" side. It was concerning codependents in recovery. You should check it out!

AnvilheadII

not to sound all Yoda or anything....but recovery LOOKS like recovery. there would be no doubt. it would be all about ACTION, not words. it would be like the difference between me sitting in my chair and running a marathon. active not passive.

regarding your AW even if she committed to being clean and sober today, it would be a long time before she was stable and even moderately trust worthy. like a YEAR out....a year of solid unbroken sobriety and continuous involvement in some type of program.

keep reading, keep seeing your counselor, keep seeking meetings that fit your schedule. it's not a race. just a daily approach.

Twofish

Second that Anvil,
With my recovering daughter (23) she looks so positive and constantly busy, almost, well she is, too busy for me. Sober now 6 months.
After a few detox centers, jail, and now a sober living home, her life consists of a very structured plan of recovery, a plan so strong, there's little time for me.
She has 2-3 meeting/day, lives in a sober living home, is drug tested daily, goes to IOP 2X/week, has a sponsor, got rid of all her " using friends", works for a sober living company, that only hires recovering addicts, she's a line supervisor there, her whole face, attitude, body, everything seems so positive. She talks of her recovery and respects her sobriety. That's just a few things that recovery looks like to me.
TF

TiredDad

I'll definitely check it out.
Thank you
TD

Ariesagain

Can anyone help me find that great post about what real recovery looks like? Was that from Honeypig? It doesn't seem to be a sticky, but it should be...

Anyway, I said I'd try to post the link here but haven't found it...

TiredDad

Ah Master Yoda (anvil)
I second guess myself sometimes. The kids are my first priority. It blows my mind that she says she accepts that our oldest doesn't want anything to do with her.
That's just me though. It would be so very hard for me not to do anything I could to be a part of both of the kids lives.

AW's choice has been to start a different life with someone else.
It's strange how easily and quickly that happened.
One week it was all about wanting to show us and be with us. The next, us who?

I was asking for a lot of proof then. I guess that was to much work.

I don't trust her. I fight myself about not calling her out on BS. I don't feel it will accomplish anything.

I appreciate your input greatly.
Thank you
TD

TiredDad

Thank you TF,
It really helps to have an idea of what active recovery looks like.

My AW only attempted a short time in out patient. Other than that only claims of NA work

Jaeger

I'm not real good with links so I'm crossing my fingers this will work.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

TiredDad

Thank you Jaeger
That is a good post and very helpful.
One of the main ones I see rite up front is I need to find a f2f meeting soon.

TiredDad

I find myself feeling anger. I don't see it as bad. More surprised it took me so long to really feel it. I had the few blow ups in the past over all this but then poof it was gone.

Now I'm feeling that low burn anger bubbling.
Strange things like her asking for a jewelry box I gave her and a chair.
The thought that rolled through my mind. Why don't you return the money you stole from your daughter.
How about paying off some of those cards you charged up in my name.
And, and and. .. the list goes on and on.

I guess my curiosity is why now? My foot was having that urge to kick the ever loving **** out of an addict.

I know that road goes no where. I felt it and let it pass. I feel like it was good to feel some of that though. It helps me stay on track to figuring me out. Maybe?

Ariesagain

Anger can be useful. It has sounded like you have been very depressed and with good reason. Turning that into anger directed appropriately can be energizing, while depression just makes everything seem like too much to cope with.

I hope you find your way to a happier life. You seem like a really nice person.

Jaeger

Face to face meetings have been a huge blessing to me!

TiredDad

Ariesagain
You are on point with saying I have been depressed. That coupled with hurt, confused, humiliation and so on.

The past 2 to 3 months I have begun to see more of how things are instead of my heart picturing how things were.

I started to see I needed get my head out and really figure this out. Sure, I read and researched before but I was reading and looking for the wrong person.

I need to find me again. I need me and my kids need me.

I think anger should have been a normal emotion that for what ever reason was repressed. I feel like it's a good sign just to feel something different.

TiredDad

I gotta buckle down and show up to one.
Naranon is limited here. Plenty of alanon and I discover there is a coda also.
I feel a bit of anxiety over possibly being the only guy being there but I gotta kick that to the curb for me and the kiddos.

Jaeger

I understand that. I was terrified to go to my first meeting. When I first started we had 2 or 3 men. Lately though, it's been evenly numbered and even had one meeting we had more men than women! If you can push through the initial anxiety, I think you will find a lot of support. We only have two groups of Al-Anon in my city but I like both. If you find that one doesn't feel like a fit, try another. You would be welcomed at any that you named above.