Damage done to his daughter and tough convo with his ex
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
remember dee, he has the recovery-speak down pat.
there's a saying......WALK the TALK.
in meetings we'd sometimes refer to a 83 day newcomer as a 90 day wonder.....they could spout the Big Book chapter and verse, knew the lingo, sounded good. then about day 92........they'd be a little huddled mass of a human, confused, scared, ready to go hide in a closet. because the TALK only gets you so far........
i recommend you not take ANYTHING he says right now to heart. it's easy for him right now, in his sheltered environment, where the focus is on him, to talk about how it's gonna be...........
it's like watching youtube videos on how to ski. edges, carving, pole plants, bouncy legs, finding the fall line, leaning forward on your skis. WAY different the first time you hit the mountain, put on the waxed boards and attempt to just get ON the ski lift....much less get OFF safely. or get down the hill in one piece and with all your equipment in tact. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sydIiwvxMRI
there's a saying......WALK the TALK.
in meetings we'd sometimes refer to a 83 day newcomer as a 90 day wonder.....they could spout the Big Book chapter and verse, knew the lingo, sounded good. then about day 92........they'd be a little huddled mass of a human, confused, scared, ready to go hide in a closet. because the TALK only gets you so far........
i recommend you not take ANYTHING he says right now to heart. it's easy for him right now, in his sheltered environment, where the focus is on him, to talk about how it's gonna be...........
it's like watching youtube videos on how to ski. edges, carving, pole plants, bouncy legs, finding the fall line, leaning forward on your skis. WAY different the first time you hit the mountain, put on the waxed boards and attempt to just get ON the ski lift....much less get OFF safely. or get down the hill in one piece and with all your equipment in tact. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sydIiwvxMRI
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
remember dee, he has the recovery-speak down pat.
there's a saying......WALK the TALK.
in meetings we'd sometimes refer to a 83 day newcomer as a 90 day wonder.....they could spout the Big Book chapter and verse, knew the lingo, sounded good. then about day 92........they'd be a little huddled mass of a human, confused, scared, ready to go hide in a closet. because the TALK only gets you so far........
i recommend you not take ANYTHING he says right now to heart. it's easy for him right now, in his sheltered environment, where the focus is on him, to talk about how it's gonna be...........
it's like watching youtube videos on how to ski. edges, carving, pole plants, bouncy legs, finding the fall line, leaning forward on your skis. WAY different the first time you hit the mountain, put on the waxed boards and attempt to just get ON the ski lift....much less get OFF safely. or get down the hill in one piece and with all your equipment in tact. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sydIiwvxMRI
there's a saying......WALK the TALK.
in meetings we'd sometimes refer to a 83 day newcomer as a 90 day wonder.....they could spout the Big Book chapter and verse, knew the lingo, sounded good. then about day 92........they'd be a little huddled mass of a human, confused, scared, ready to go hide in a closet. because the TALK only gets you so far........
i recommend you not take ANYTHING he says right now to heart. it's easy for him right now, in his sheltered environment, where the focus is on him, to talk about how it's gonna be...........
it's like watching youtube videos on how to ski. edges, carving, pole plants, bouncy legs, finding the fall line, leaning forward on your skis. WAY different the first time you hit the mountain, put on the waxed boards and attempt to just get ON the ski lift....much less get OFF safely. or get down the hill in one piece and with all your equipment in tact. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sydIiwvxMRI
You're right. He said that himself, that he's in a sheltered environment right now and he's focused on setting up his aftercare plan because he'll need it. It would probably take a year of sobriety and recovery work for me to be able to consider trusting him at his word. If he can't trust himself, I certainly have no business trusting him. I'll be continuing on loving and supporting him on one hand but keeping Plans B-D executable. No way around it, this process is not going to be comfortable whichever way he goes. I'm gonna cuddle my Chihuahua a lot in the coming months, lol.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
remember dee, he has the recovery-speak down pat.
there's a saying......WALK the TALK.
in meetings we'd sometimes refer to a 83 day newcomer as a 90 day wonder.....they could spout the Big Book chapter and verse, knew the lingo, sounded good. then about day 92........they'd be a little huddled mass of a human, confused, scared, ready to go hide in a closet. because the TALK only gets you so far........
i recommend you not take ANYTHING he says right now to heart. it's easy for him right now, in his sheltered environment, where the focus is on him, to talk about how it's gonna be...........
there's a saying......WALK the TALK.
in meetings we'd sometimes refer to a 83 day newcomer as a 90 day wonder.....they could spout the Big Book chapter and verse, knew the lingo, sounded good. then about day 92........they'd be a little huddled mass of a human, confused, scared, ready to go hide in a closet. because the TALK only gets you so far........
i recommend you not take ANYTHING he says right now to heart. it's easy for him right now, in his sheltered environment, where the focus is on him, to talk about how it's gonna be...........
i was going to quite a few meetings early on. reading the big book,too. i had heard and read "how it works" so much that i could recite it from memory.
at ameeting one day i read it without having it in front of me. afterwards a man said,"dam thats awesome!"
i replied," it doesnt mean anything because i dont understand any of it."
yup, i had a lot of the lingo and catch phrases down, but that did me no good until i learned how they all worked.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by tomsteve
great suggestion and very true.
i was going to quite a few meetings early on. reading the big book,too. i had heard and read "how it works" so much that i could recite it from memory.
at ameeting one day i read it without having it in front of me. afterwards a man said,"dam thats awesome!"
i replied," it doesnt mean anything because i dont understand any of it."
yup, i had a lot of the lingo and catch phrases down, but that did me no good until i learned how they all worked.
i was going to quite a few meetings early on. reading the big book,too. i had heard and read "how it works" so much that i could recite it from memory.
at ameeting one day i read it without having it in front of me. afterwards a man said,"dam thats awesome!"
i replied," it doesnt mean anything because i dont understand any of it."
yup, i had a lot of the lingo and catch phrases down, but that did me no good until i learned how they all worked.
As a recovering addict, you could probably help me with this concern...he was listing the resources they gave him for aftercare, and this website is on it. I'm debating how awful it would be if he actually begins to use these forums and finds my posts. My username is intentionally meaningless, but he would surely recognize the story. I have used this place to vent my worst stuff and I know it would be hurtful for him to read it. None of it was ever intended for his eyes, obviously. It was all to help myself. I'd tell him most of what I've written here, but obviously in a kinder fashion. I know he isn't at a point where he could handle things I've written about my experience with this. I think it would hurt him a lot more than it could ever help. If your significant other had written a bunch of stuff like that, would it wreck you to read it in early recovery (or ever)?
I'm debating whether or not I should delete the threads. You have all helped me immensely. Surely this situation has come up before?
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by Maudcat
Sounds good, Dee.
Are you sure you want him to come back at all?
His track record isn't very good.
Hugs.
Are you sure you want him to come back at all?
His track record isn't very good.
Hugs.
I know that the odds aren't good. I know that it's more likely than not that I'll be in the majority here who wind up divorcing with sadness and pain. I know that no matter how many beautiful tender moments we've shared and no matter how many promises we've made to one another, it can't compete with crack. I can't compete with crack. That hurts like hell. I know it supposedly isn't personal, but it really kinda is when you're on the other side of addiction. I understand intellectually where this is most likely to head. I think I have to see it for my heart to fully believe it. Me trying to be done with the marriage right now would be the equivalent of him trying to stop smoking crack before things got bad. I was done, then he got himself into rehab. As long as he's pursuing recovery and not using, I'm not done. He has a chance to salvage the marriage if he'll take it.
But yes, my head understands what some of my future posts here are probably going to look like. Other people have already written them for me. Mine will fade into the hundreds of pages of other posts telling the exact same sad story, and some new person whose husband just relapsed on a drug will come across them and say "Hey, yeah, that's me!" And they'll pull up my username and look at the threads I've started in the hopes that it all worked out in the end. I don't yet know for sure what they'll find, and I guess that's why I'm still here in this house wearing my wedding ring.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I think we all need to experience what we need to experience with situations that life with an addict sends us. I do understand you wanting to stay and give him a chance seeing he is trying right now. The caution I would throw your way is with “chances” and making sure he and you both understand that there will be no third chance.
The cycle in addiction relationships often lies with “chances” and repeated behaviors followed by yet another chance. We view the addict trying “recovery” as progress so there for we also try……..this cycle is just that, a cycle of recycled going no where and no way to live happily.
Try not to future trip, your posts moving forward will be what they will be the important thing is that you continue to post, continue to keep learning about addict behavior and know your limited and yoru own liabilities……………which right now is that old heart thing, emotions which will be all over the place when he gets home.
The cycle in addiction relationships often lies with “chances” and repeated behaviors followed by yet another chance. We view the addict trying “recovery” as progress so there for we also try……..this cycle is just that, a cycle of recycled going no where and no way to live happily.
Try not to future trip, your posts moving forward will be what they will be the important thing is that you continue to post, continue to keep learning about addict behavior and know your limited and yoru own liabilities……………which right now is that old heart thing, emotions which will be all over the place when he gets home.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by atalose
I think we all need to experience what we need to experience with situations that life with an addict sends us. I do understand you wanting to stay and give him a chance seeing he is trying right now. The caution I would throw your way is with “chances” and making sure he and you both understand that there will be no third chance.
The cycle in addiction relationships often lies with “chances” and repeated behaviors followed by yet another chance. We view the addict trying “recovery” as progress so there for we also try……..this cycle is just that, a cycle of recycled going no where and no way to live happily.
Try not to future trip, your posts moving forward will be what they will be the important thing is that you continue to post, continue to keep learning about addict behavior and know your limited and yoru own liabilities……………which right now is that old heart thing, emotions which will be all over the place when he gets home.
The cycle in addiction relationships often lies with “chances” and repeated behaviors followed by yet another chance. We view the addict trying “recovery” as progress so there for we also try……..this cycle is just that, a cycle of recycled going no where and no way to live happily.
Try not to future trip, your posts moving forward will be what they will be the important thing is that you continue to post, continue to keep learning about addict behavior and know your limited and yoru own liabilities……………which right now is that old heart thing, emotions which will be all over the place when he gets home.
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