Help Please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Help Please
Hi all, I am new to this forum and am really just looking for some honest advice. I am a pregnant 22 year old and I am currently not talking to my family. I grew up with an alcoholic mother with whom I have never had a real relationship with. My whole childhood I remember coming home from school and going straight to my bedroom for the rest of the day. (I am not an only child, but I was the only girl with 3 older brothers). If a conversation ever came up with my mother it would turn into telling and me crying to my room or slamming the bedroom door. She would tell me to shut up constantly, call me vulgar names, and I knew she just didn't like me. My father and I never really spoke because by the time I got home from school he would be home from work and asleep. When I was 17 I found a man I fell in love with and the day I turned 18 I moved in with his family (Which were totally different from my family). He had saved me from all the depression I was dealing with, but somehow my mother is still able to make my life full of drama.
Last February she ended up in the hospital for pains and it turned out that she was suffering with liver failure from drinking. I already deal with anxiety (Which I feel came from my childhood), and this made my life miserable. Obviously I did not want my mother to die.. long story short, she quit drinking, recovered her liver, and was doing really well. For about 6 months I FINALLY had a relationship with my mom, shopping together, going to lunch, ect.. and then one day I was talking to her and I could tell she was acting the same as when she was drinking. I asked her if she was and she lied multiple times. I asked my brother and he said he saw her with a bottle of alcohol so I confronted her. She finally said she had ONE drink, which I knew was a lie. I couldn't believe that after all she had put my family through, she would start drinking again (mind you, she drank beer every day for about 17 years straight before quitting when she thought she was going to die).
So my dilemma: I was so happy to finally have a relationship with my mom, but am extremely hurt that that isn't enough reason for her to not drink again. I am also 8 months pregnant with my first baby and wanted nothing more than my mom by my side to help me through this, but she shattered that image. I no longer trust her and don't know if I should forgive her or cut her completely out of my life. Although we are an extremely dysfunctional family, we are all very close so cutting her out would be hard, but I want what is best for my own family and my mental and emotional health. I am tired of hearing about all her health problems because they know I care, but I don't want to care anymore. I have tried to help her so many times, but she doesn't want help. It is not fair that my husband has to be there to pick up the pieces every time I get hurt. What should I Do? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all in advance!
Last February she ended up in the hospital for pains and it turned out that she was suffering with liver failure from drinking. I already deal with anxiety (Which I feel came from my childhood), and this made my life miserable. Obviously I did not want my mother to die.. long story short, she quit drinking, recovered her liver, and was doing really well. For about 6 months I FINALLY had a relationship with my mom, shopping together, going to lunch, ect.. and then one day I was talking to her and I could tell she was acting the same as when she was drinking. I asked her if she was and she lied multiple times. I asked my brother and he said he saw her with a bottle of alcohol so I confronted her. She finally said she had ONE drink, which I knew was a lie. I couldn't believe that after all she had put my family through, she would start drinking again (mind you, she drank beer every day for about 17 years straight before quitting when she thought she was going to die).
So my dilemma: I was so happy to finally have a relationship with my mom, but am extremely hurt that that isn't enough reason for her to not drink again. I am also 8 months pregnant with my first baby and wanted nothing more than my mom by my side to help me through this, but she shattered that image. I no longer trust her and don't know if I should forgive her or cut her completely out of my life. Although we are an extremely dysfunctional family, we are all very close so cutting her out would be hard, but I want what is best for my own family and my mental and emotional health. I am tired of hearing about all her health problems because they know I care, but I don't want to care anymore. I have tried to help her so many times, but she doesn't want help. It is not fair that my husband has to be there to pick up the pieces every time I get hurt. What should I Do? Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you all in advance!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
I drank for 40 years, and when I finally agreed to stop for my wife, I could NOT stop altogether. 2 Rehabs, and after each I KNEW I wasn't going to drink ... then ... after a while ... the old ... Just ONE drink would be ok ... and it always led on a path back to full blown heavy drinking.
I am now over 3 years Sober, and better, I KNOW I can't drink and why. Even more important I KNOW 'I' can't completely keep myself 'sane and sober' without doing the 12 Step Work to maintain the Spiritual Condition that I now live in ... live Very Well in.
Read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. It sounds like you may not have many other sure-nuff solutions? If nothing else, it will help give you an inside look at the truly 'Hopeless' condition those of us have ... with the 'Mental, Physical, and Spiritual' Condition the book refers to as being 'Alcoholic'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE
I am now over 3 years Sober, and better, I KNOW I can't drink and why. Even more important I KNOW 'I' can't completely keep myself 'sane and sober' without doing the 12 Step Work to maintain the Spiritual Condition that I now live in ... live Very Well in.
Read the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. It sounds like you may not have many other sure-nuff solutions? If nothing else, it will help give you an inside look at the truly 'Hopeless' condition those of us have ... with the 'Mental, Physical, and Spiritual' Condition the book refers to as being 'Alcoholic'.
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Hello Crysta22. Welcome to SR.
As hard as it is to do, your baby takes priority.
I'm not in a similar situation, so I hesitate to give you too much advice. You may want to post in Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Rest assured, it's an active forum, and you wouldn't be the first person who posted at one forum in SR then decided to post again in another.
When I read your situation, my mind immediately brought to mind this podcast:
The Family We Carry | Dear Sugar Radio
The first portion is about a woman who just had a baby and catches her father, who was a recovering alcoholic, in her liquor cabinet drinking her gin. That letter starts around the 4:46 mark. You might find it worth a listen.
You're not the first person to be in this situation. Unfortunately you won't be the last. But you won't be alone.
As hard as it is to do, your baby takes priority.
I'm not in a similar situation, so I hesitate to give you too much advice. You may want to post in Friends and Families of Alcoholics. Rest assured, it's an active forum, and you wouldn't be the first person who posted at one forum in SR then decided to post again in another.
When I read your situation, my mind immediately brought to mind this podcast:
The Family We Carry | Dear Sugar Radio
The first portion is about a woman who just had a baby and catches her father, who was a recovering alcoholic, in her liquor cabinet drinking her gin. That letter starts around the 4:46 mark. You might find it worth a listen.
You're not the first person to be in this situation. Unfortunately you won't be the last. But you won't be alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I no longer trust her and don't know if I should forgive her or cut her completely out of my life.
For me it means "letting go of the right to seek revenge." When I first heard that definition it worked for me, but forgiveness means many things to many people. I can tell you it does not mean absolution for me, it does not mean forgive and forget. It's important for my well being to not forget so I don't allow myself to be hurt again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,626
Crysta- addiction sucks. You are hurting. What your mum decides to do is out of your control. I understand you wanting her in your (and your bub's) life. Looking at her history and her replies to you- it sounds like booze is still in her life. Whether you involve her or not is up to you. But it sounds like there are trust issues. If you choose to keep her around, I would think you will be doing that with boundaries. Acceptance is a difficult thing- addiction takes NO prisoners- even your mum is one.. Support groups suck as al-anon may help. Perhaps threads here- or seeking others with similar experiences. It is sad and it hurts.
Empathy and support to you.
Empathy and support to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
I truely appreciate everyone's responses.. I feel like it gives me somewhat of a light at the end of the tunnel in that maybe my mom will one day accept help and finally join a program that can help her long term. I will look into the books and podcasts that were suggested and I will repost this in friend and families of alcoholics as well. I have been struggling with these issues for a very long time and it means a lot that you all took time out of your day to respond to me. I cannot really say that I want to 'forgive' my mom for all the pain she had caused, but I also want my baby to grow up knowing their grandparents... I guess for now, I will have to set boundries when it comes to baby, and see what happens from there. Thank you all.
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