Break up with someone in active recovery
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Break up with someone in active recovery
Hi all,
I'm new to this forum and i'm having a hard time finding threads about breaking up with someone who is NOT actively using. I have just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years who is a heroin addict. Before we met, he was well-managed on a methadone program. About 6 months into the relationship his father died, which completely rocked his world and led to a relapse that lasted for far too long, all without me knowing until he was too far gone. He has been in and out of rehab for the past year and the past three times he has left early, saying that these places have nothing to offer him anymore because "he knows what he needs to do". He usually leaves but remains dedicated to getting sober, stays clean for about a month or two and regularly attends AA/NA meetings, then I catch him in a lie, texting a dealer or I find needles in his bathroom. Through this all I have been an anxious mess, constantly worried about where he is or what he's doing, if he's lying. Every time he closes his eyes I wonder if he is high. Even when we're cuddling and happy together I'll remember how he has deceived me and manipulated me for money so he can "pay bills" (he thinks that if he pays his bills with MY $20 and spends HIS $20 on drugs, then i'm not technically enabling him), I remember all this and have flashbacks of him shooting up as I drove him to rehab, and all of sudden I want to be as far away from him as possible. I know that this relationship is not sustainable, especially because I end up enabling him when I'm only trying to help.
Since his last relapse, I have been slowly decreasing the amount of time I spend with him, and for the past couple months I've stopped sleeping over (I used to sleep there every night). He has been on suboxone, going to IOP groups and AA/NA meetings diligently, but I live in constant fear that he will relapse again.
About 3 weeks ago I was snooping around his bathroom and I found needles hidden above a high cabinet. I decided not to confront him and to wait and see if it moved. I checked two days later -- one needle was gone, and there was a bundle of 5 bags, unused. He insisted that it was from a long time ago, clearly lying through his teeth. He finally admitted that he was going to sell it to a guy he works with to make a small profit. I'm not sure if I even believe that, but regardless, he put himself at risk for relapse, around dealers, etc... Overall, poor decision-making on his part. So I finally ended it. I was as graceful as possible and tried to emphasize the fact that we are codependent, and that his independence is what will make him truly happy. But he continues to reach out, saying that he can't handle being without me.
I've been struggling so hard to avoid contacting him, because honestly he was always loving and caring and I truly love him. I can ignore him for a few days, but he insists on trying to rationalize his behavior. I've let him know that my trust has been completely destroyed and that he is not in a position to love me because he doesn't love himself. He is under the impression that he can rebuild trust and if I don't communicate with him, then he wont be able to show me that he is making progress. As far as I know, he has been clean from heroin since the break up. We had a discussion last week where I was brutally honest about my feelings, but he called yesterday to inform me that he doesn't remember that conversation because he tried to OD on his sleeping pills and cant remember a solid 48 hours. Although this is a slip-up, he is doing a great job staying away from the heroin and I am proud of him for trying so hard, but I keep reminding him that he has to do this for himself, not me.
I just feel so horrible for ending things with him when I know how hard he works toward his sobriety every time he relapses, and hearing that he tried to overdose just makes things harder to deal with. I want to be done with him but a big part of me still wants to talk to him to be sure he's okay. Sometimes I'm proud of myself for ending it, then I think of how nice it would be to run back into his arms where I can be comfortable and end his suffering. My emotions flip-flop every minute, and it's taking a toll on everything in my life. I thought breaking up would ease my anxiety and it's only made it worse.
Any encouragement would be much appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.
I'm new to this forum and i'm having a hard time finding threads about breaking up with someone who is NOT actively using. I have just recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years who is a heroin addict. Before we met, he was well-managed on a methadone program. About 6 months into the relationship his father died, which completely rocked his world and led to a relapse that lasted for far too long, all without me knowing until he was too far gone. He has been in and out of rehab for the past year and the past three times he has left early, saying that these places have nothing to offer him anymore because "he knows what he needs to do". He usually leaves but remains dedicated to getting sober, stays clean for about a month or two and regularly attends AA/NA meetings, then I catch him in a lie, texting a dealer or I find needles in his bathroom. Through this all I have been an anxious mess, constantly worried about where he is or what he's doing, if he's lying. Every time he closes his eyes I wonder if he is high. Even when we're cuddling and happy together I'll remember how he has deceived me and manipulated me for money so he can "pay bills" (he thinks that if he pays his bills with MY $20 and spends HIS $20 on drugs, then i'm not technically enabling him), I remember all this and have flashbacks of him shooting up as I drove him to rehab, and all of sudden I want to be as far away from him as possible. I know that this relationship is not sustainable, especially because I end up enabling him when I'm only trying to help.
Since his last relapse, I have been slowly decreasing the amount of time I spend with him, and for the past couple months I've stopped sleeping over (I used to sleep there every night). He has been on suboxone, going to IOP groups and AA/NA meetings diligently, but I live in constant fear that he will relapse again.
About 3 weeks ago I was snooping around his bathroom and I found needles hidden above a high cabinet. I decided not to confront him and to wait and see if it moved. I checked two days later -- one needle was gone, and there was a bundle of 5 bags, unused. He insisted that it was from a long time ago, clearly lying through his teeth. He finally admitted that he was going to sell it to a guy he works with to make a small profit. I'm not sure if I even believe that, but regardless, he put himself at risk for relapse, around dealers, etc... Overall, poor decision-making on his part. So I finally ended it. I was as graceful as possible and tried to emphasize the fact that we are codependent, and that his independence is what will make him truly happy. But he continues to reach out, saying that he can't handle being without me.
I've been struggling so hard to avoid contacting him, because honestly he was always loving and caring and I truly love him. I can ignore him for a few days, but he insists on trying to rationalize his behavior. I've let him know that my trust has been completely destroyed and that he is not in a position to love me because he doesn't love himself. He is under the impression that he can rebuild trust and if I don't communicate with him, then he wont be able to show me that he is making progress. As far as I know, he has been clean from heroin since the break up. We had a discussion last week where I was brutally honest about my feelings, but he called yesterday to inform me that he doesn't remember that conversation because he tried to OD on his sleeping pills and cant remember a solid 48 hours. Although this is a slip-up, he is doing a great job staying away from the heroin and I am proud of him for trying so hard, but I keep reminding him that he has to do this for himself, not me.
I just feel so horrible for ending things with him when I know how hard he works toward his sobriety every time he relapses, and hearing that he tried to overdose just makes things harder to deal with. I want to be done with him but a big part of me still wants to talk to him to be sure he's okay. Sometimes I'm proud of myself for ending it, then I think of how nice it would be to run back into his arms where I can be comfortable and end his suffering. My emotions flip-flop every minute, and it's taking a toll on everything in my life. I thought breaking up would ease my anxiety and it's only made it worse.
Any encouragement would be much appreciated. Thank you so much in advance.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hi and welcome. because of the severity of the situation, i'll get to the point....
your title is Break up with someone in active recovery but you said in your post:
About 3 weeks ago I was snooping around his bathroom and I found needles
that is NOT recovery. that is someone in very active addiction.
then I think of how nice it would be to run back into his arms to be blunt, his arms are otherwise occupied. you can't put yourself in competition with active addiction.
your title is Break up with someone in active recovery but you said in your post:
About 3 weeks ago I was snooping around his bathroom and I found needles
that is NOT recovery. that is someone in very active addiction.
then I think of how nice it would be to run back into his arms to be blunt, his arms are otherwise occupied. you can't put yourself in competition with active addiction.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,659
Emotions and rational thought do not work out with active addiction. The only thing that makes sense to those addicted- is maintaining that addiction. To me it was alcohol. You are doing what is safe for you. It hurts. Badly....Stay safe- get support- perhaps through N/A support for family/friends? You do not want to be caught up in the spiral of destruction which follows active addiction. My compassion, empathy and support to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
AnvilHead - I appreciate your frank honesty - I know I have barely any reason to trust his words, but he seemed to be sober at that time (no nodding, clear speech, eyes normal; I've gotten pretty good at knowing when he's not right). And he is taking suboxone regularly, i've watched him take it. So it made sense when he said it wasnt really for him. And the fact that there was a bundle unused was odd... I feel like he would have started using it right away. I know this is me trying to rationalize...
He's just been so dedicated to recovery throughout it all. He's never once said "screw it" or "i'm happy living this way". He has told me many times that I deserve better and that he wants to give me what I deserve, and that he is ashamed that his addiction affects me. I think thats why im having such a hard time. It would be so much easier if he was the kind of addict that didnt give a crap about how it was affecting me.
He's just been so dedicated to recovery throughout it all. He's never once said "screw it" or "i'm happy living this way". He has told me many times that I deserve better and that he wants to give me what I deserve, and that he is ashamed that his addiction affects me. I think thats why im having such a hard time. It would be so much easier if he was the kind of addict that didnt give a crap about how it was affecting me.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, starseeker, and welcome.
You have done the right thing in leaving your SO. He is struggling with recovery.
He has to walk his path, and you yours. Work on your own recovery. Take care of yourself, and maybe get to Nar-Anon for a deeper understanding of addiction.
While he wants to reach out to show that he is trying, that is not helpful for you or him just now.
You can't know for sure that he is not using. I wouldn't go down that road.
Bottom line, you have shown that you can pull back from the relationship. I would pull back even more and go no contact.
He really has to do this himself.
Peace.
You have done the right thing in leaving your SO. He is struggling with recovery.
He has to walk his path, and you yours. Work on your own recovery. Take care of yourself, and maybe get to Nar-Anon for a deeper understanding of addiction.
While he wants to reach out to show that he is trying, that is not helpful for you or him just now.
You can't know for sure that he is not using. I wouldn't go down that road.
Bottom line, you have shown that you can pull back from the relationship. I would pull back even more and go no contact.
He really has to do this himself.
Peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It would be so much easier if he was the kind of addict that didnt give a crap about how it was affecting me.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
Originally Posted by starseeker 
He has told me many times that I deserve better and that he wants to give me what I deserve, and that he is ashamed that his addiction affects me. I think thats why im having such a hard time. It would be so much easier if he was the kind of addict that didnt give a crap about how it was affecting me.
Let's be honest with ourselves, though. It doesn't really matter whether or not they give a crap about how it affects us. That does not begin to stop them. That becomes more impetus to use to escape the shame and another reason to tell themselves how worthless they are so that they can continue to use.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
Absolutely on point. I used to feel the same about my husband. He was such a "good guy", he would cry in shame and frustration over his addiction, and tell me he was so sorry and he felt like such a scumbag.
I am sure he was sometimes, but he will also now (after 11 years clean) admit that sometimes he turned on the waterworks to get out of trouble.......to suck me in. Trust me. Addicts are very very resourceful and manipulative.
They care, they are sorry, etc....so on, and they probably do, but not enough to stop hurting us........and they are certainly not going to stop FOR us. They have to get there on their own.
So sorry you are going through this, but if the older me could talk to the younger me all those years ago, I would say "RUN!!!!!!!!" Please keep in mind that my husband did get clean (after 18 years of hell), and has been ever since. I love him with all my heart, and am very proud. Even still...........I'd tell me to RUN. I am NOT the same person I was before all the hell. That's the sad reality..........
Stay strong, keep coming back for support. There is much to be had!
I am sure he was sometimes, but he will also now (after 11 years clean) admit that sometimes he turned on the waterworks to get out of trouble.......to suck me in. Trust me. Addicts are very very resourceful and manipulative.
They care, they are sorry, etc....so on, and they probably do, but not enough to stop hurting us........and they are certainly not going to stop FOR us. They have to get there on their own.
So sorry you are going through this, but if the older me could talk to the younger me all those years ago, I would say "RUN!!!!!!!!" Please keep in mind that my husband did get clean (after 18 years of hell), and has been ever since. I love him with all my heart, and am very proud. Even still...........I'd tell me to RUN. I am NOT the same person I was before all the hell. That's the sad reality..........
Stay strong, keep coming back for support. There is much to be had!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Thank you all so much for your perspectives - i'm beginning to feel more confident in my decision to leave. I've talked about this with a couple of close friends, but it means so much more coming from those who know what its like to be in love with someone whose an addict.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
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Run, don't walk, for the exit. I LOVE what whitewingeddove posted. She is blessed with a happy ending, just for today, but the battle scars of living with someone in addiction never go away.
I often think of what I would do if my daughter came home and told me that she was in love with an addict, clean at the moment or not. I think I would do a lot of crying for the pain she will experience. Because loving an addict is very painful. No matter how many times my husband has said he would stop, that he loved me and the kids, no matter how many jobs he's been fired from, it all goes back to crack. Save yourself the pain. You made the right decision.
And again, addicts are master manipulators. The sob stories, the gnashing of teeth and beating of breast saying they're sorry, it'll never happen again. The second you turn your back or let down your guard, you're toast.
I often think of what I would do if my daughter came home and told me that she was in love with an addict, clean at the moment or not. I think I would do a lot of crying for the pain she will experience. Because loving an addict is very painful. No matter how many times my husband has said he would stop, that he loved me and the kids, no matter how many jobs he's been fired from, it all goes back to crack. Save yourself the pain. You made the right decision.
And again, addicts are master manipulators. The sob stories, the gnashing of teeth and beating of breast saying they're sorry, it'll never happen again. The second you turn your back or let down your guard, you're toast.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by Ruby2
Run, don't walk, for the exit. I LOVE what whitewingeddove posted. She is blessed with a happy ending, just for today, but the battle scars of living with someone in addiction never go away.
.
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My husband FINALLY understands what its' like to be on this side of things. He was remorseful before, but I don't think he was fully capable of getting it, until everything that has happened with our son. It's sad, and no matter how much he hurt me, I would NEVER have wished that on him (or anyone for that matter).
I used to say years ago that going through it with my husband for 18 years off and on was bad enough, but that if our son ever became an addict, it would break my heart, and I would never survive it. Yet here I am.......
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