Does divorce help the odd contact
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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Does divorce help the odd contact
I don't understand my stbxaw action lately. She goes 2 to 3 days without hearing from her then out of the blue. The text "how are yall doing? How are the kids? "
She has been contacting daily again Saturday through today. Asked if the kids might stay with her at her parents for a night over the weekend. My young son would be all in. My teenage daughter won't be. She would only go as she puts it to make sure her brother was ok.
I really will never be able to understand what meth has done to my stbxaw. I just don't get the back and forth.
She has been contacting daily again Saturday through today. Asked if the kids might stay with her at her parents for a night over the weekend. My young son would be all in. My teenage daughter won't be. She would only go as she puts it to make sure her brother was ok.
I really will never be able to understand what meth has done to my stbxaw. I just don't get the back and forth.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Now or after the divorce will not matter what she does or when, what really matters is WHAT YOU ALLOW.
If we continue to allow the addict to set the standards/rules of anything then we subject not only ourselves, but also our children as well to the chaos of addiction.
She is showing typical addict behavior, she wants what she wants when she wants it so she will be relentless in her quest to get it.
What about her parents? Are you on good terms with them? Would you trust them with your son at their home for one overnight visit?
If we continue to allow the addict to set the standards/rules of anything then we subject not only ourselves, but also our children as well to the chaos of addiction.
She is showing typical addict behavior, she wants what she wants when she wants it so she will be relentless in her quest to get it.
What about her parents? Are you on good terms with them? Would you trust them with your son at their home for one overnight visit?
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Originally Posted by atalose 
Now or after the divorce will not matter what she does or when, what really matters is WHAT YOU ALLOW.
If we continue to allow the addict to set the standards/rules of anything then we subject not only ourselves, but also our children as well to the chaos of addiction.
She is showing typical addict behavior, she wants what she wants when she wants it so she will be relentless in her quest to get it.
What about her parents? Are you on good terms with them? Would you trust them with your son at their home for one overnight visit?
If we continue to allow the addict to set the standards/rules of anything then we subject not only ourselves, but also our children as well to the chaos of addiction.
She is showing typical addict behavior, she wants what she wants when she wants it so she will be relentless in her quest to get it.
What about her parents? Are you on good terms with them? Would you trust them with your son at their home for one overnight visit?
I do feel I can trust them. They have been very supportive for the kids and i. I have no physical actions to see that she is clean and sober. I feel conflicted because it's mothers day weekend and I do hope for her.
I learned here it's ok for me to hope and love her from a distance. It took me a while to understand that.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I have no physical actions to see that she is clean and sober.
Like what kind of “actions” are we talking about?
What was the plan for visitation when she left? What boundary did you set with her regarding visitation?
Has anything been put into writing – legally?
What has her parents said regarding any recovery “actions” taking place or not taking place?
Like what kind of “actions” are we talking about?
What was the plan for visitation when she left? What boundary did you set with her regarding visitation?
Has anything been put into writing – legally?
What has her parents said regarding any recovery “actions” taking place or not taking place?
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Frankly, it's not about you. It's about how she will treat your children, and what THEY are going through. I would ask them how they feel about it and go from there. Just my two cents.
My son's 5 and he misses his mom a lot. He doesn't understand. I can just tell him mom has been very sick.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I have no physical actions to see that she is clean and sober.
Like what kind of “actions” are we talking about?
What was the plan for visitation when she left? What boundary did you set with her regarding visitation?
Has anything been put into writing – legally?
What has her parents said regarding any recovery “actions” taking place or not taking place?
Like what kind of “actions” are we talking about?
What was the plan for visitation when she left? What boundary did you set with her regarding visitation?
Has anything been put into writing – legally?
What has her parents said regarding any recovery “actions” taking place or not taking place?
Actions we look for, rehab, working some kind of recovery program. Something visable not just being told. "I have been going to NA" .clean drug screens.
Actions that look like recovery. We have seen her when she was working for recovery. Her actions were completely different. She wasn't avoiding her family. Making multiple excuses why she didn't make it by to see the kids.
Her folks don't hear from her for weeks at a time so I don't know for sure that they have set any boundaries. Her dad says they won't trust her in the house alone. Other than that he says he's told her she needs to seek help for her addiction.
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Your daughter's instincts are good, and the 5 year old doesn't understand the danger of being with an active addict.
Yes it's sad, to deny her the children on Mother's Day. But she can change all that for next time, just by getting clean and taking tests to prove it for a reasonable period of time to prove consistency.
Addiction is truly a family disease, it hurts all who love the addict as well as the addict herself.
Your children are blessed to have you to speak for them and keep them safe.
Yes it's sad, to deny her the children on Mother's Day. But she can change all that for next time, just by getting clean and taking tests to prove it for a reasonable period of time to prove consistency.
Addiction is truly a family disease, it hurts all who love the addict as well as the addict herself.
Your children are blessed to have you to speak for them and keep them safe.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You are right. Recovery looks like recovery. Addiction behavior looks just like...addiction behavior.
Until you see the recovery behavior, over the course of a long period of time, I would have zero trust and expose my children as little as possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Until you see the recovery behavior, over the course of a long period of time, I would have zero trust and expose my children as little as possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
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Location: W Washington
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the person who should be concerned about it being Mother's Day and all that that entails is THE MOTHER. she knows exactly what she NEEDS to do in order to be an ongoing presence in her children's lives. and if she can't or won't make that effort, well then..........tough cookies.
if you knew that one of the daycare workers was on meth, would you leave your 5 yr old there? once a person is in active, untreated addiction, they must be treated as dangerous, unstable and unreliable where CHILDREN are concerned.
yes of course they are still humans and mothers/sisters/sons/uncles and all that - but when drugs rule the day, they become No Kid Zones. or at least that is my less than humble opinion on the matter.
if you knew that one of the daycare workers was on meth, would you leave your 5 yr old there? once a person is in active, untreated addiction, they must be treated as dangerous, unstable and unreliable where CHILDREN are concerned.
yes of course they are still humans and mothers/sisters/sons/uncles and all that - but when drugs rule the day, they become No Kid Zones. or at least that is my less than humble opinion on the matter.
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Originally Posted by Ann
Your daughter's instincts are good, and the 5 year old doesn't understand the danger of being with an active addict.
Yes it's sad, to deny her the children on Mother's Day. But she can change all that for next time, just by getting clean and taking tests to prove it for a reasonable period of time to prove consistency.
Addiction is truly a family disease, it hurts all who love the addict as well as the addict herself.
Your children are blessed to have you to speak for them and keep them safe.
Yes it's sad, to deny her the children on Mother's Day. But she can change all that for next time, just by getting clean and taking tests to prove it for a reasonable period of time to prove consistency.
Addiction is truly a family disease, it hurts all who love the addict as well as the addict herself.
Your children are blessed to have you to speak for them and keep them safe.
My daughter is an amazing young woman. She has set a very strong boundary pretty early on. Honestly I think she was stronger in her boundary than I was my own early on.
They are great kids. I am blessed to have them.
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Originally Posted by atalose
I wouldn't "bend" your boundaries for her just because it's mother day. And given the fact her parents haven't set any strong boundaries with her that environment is not healthy for the kids to be in, right now.
She said she thought she would save me the trip. That wasn't going to work for us.
She hasn't offered any proof of sobriety. I can't just take her word for it.
My daughter told her she wouldn't go anywhere with her.
My thought was if she truly wanted that time with the kids she would have been ok with the transportation.
She replied with she would just stay away since or daughter wouldn't want anything to do with her.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
You are right. Recovery looks like recovery. Addiction behavior looks just like...addiction behavior.
Until you see the recovery behavior, over the course of a long period of time, I would have zero trust and expose my children as little as possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Until you see the recovery behavior, over the course of a long period of time, I would have zero trust and expose my children as little as possible.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I'm seeing and feeling false recovery now.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
the person who should be concerned about it being Mother's Day and all that that entails is THE MOTHER. she knows exactly what she NEEDS to do in order to be an ongoing presence in her children's lives. and if she can't or won't make that effort, well then..........tough cookies.
This is very close to something my daughter said the other day. She was looking at a pic of her and her mom on the wall. She said " That's my mom. I might get to see her again someday if she will do the work in a program and try to get better. Until she does I'm staying with where I am. Very little contact. "
if you knew that one of the daycare workers was on meth, would you leave your 5 yr old there? once a person is in active, untreated addiction, they must be treated as dangerous, unstable and unreliable where CHILDREN are concerned.
Nope, your rite I wouldn't. She showed us unstable and unreliable many many times.
yes of course they are still humans and mothers/sisters/sons/uncles and all that - but when drugs rule the day, they become No Kid Zones. or at least that is my less than humble opinion on the matter.
This is very close to something my daughter said the other day. She was looking at a pic of her and her mom on the wall. She said " That's my mom. I might get to see her again someday if she will do the work in a program and try to get better. Until she does I'm staying with where I am. Very little contact. "
if you knew that one of the daycare workers was on meth, would you leave your 5 yr old there? once a person is in active, untreated addiction, they must be treated as dangerous, unstable and unreliable where CHILDREN are concerned.
Nope, your rite I wouldn't. She showed us unstable and unreliable many many times.
yes of course they are still humans and mothers/sisters/sons/uncles and all that - but when drugs rule the day, they become No Kid Zones. or at least that is my less than humble opinion on the matter.
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