Hechosedrugs

I just don't know anymore.

I'm finally divorced from my XAH. That relationship was hell. Now I'm in a new relationship with what seemed like a wonderful man. I put him through the vetting process of a lifetime- drug tested him, ran a background check, asked about him around town. As far as I know, he's stable- drug-free, steady job, only drinks a glass of wine at a time, and very rarely.

He loves my kids. Every Sunday he takes us somewhere- miniature golfing, to festivals, etc. Every Friday he takes me out on a date. And he's always buying us little gifts and leaving love notes. But...

He makes little comments that I'm just not sure about. He's always mentioning my big nose- how cute it is, how much he loves it. And my acne. Oh, but he loves it! So I shouldn't get offended. Well, whatever. Personally, I'd rather not be reminded of my two biggest insecurities.

And he's constantly mentioning other women who are interested in him. Yesterday he asked what I would like to do with his weight room if we moved in. I told him he could keep it, but that I'd like to have a sewing table somewhere. He told me I'd have to fight this woman at his work for it, because she'd always said that would be her sewing room.

I just don't even know how to handle comments like that. I don't want to "pick me dance". And I can't even talk to him about these things, because if I do he'll say what he always does, that I'm sometimes "problematic". He's 22 years older than me, and I guess that's a casualty of dating an older man- that he'll sometimes treat me like a child.

I just keep thinking about the saying, "If you settle for less than you deserve, you'll end up getting even less than you settled for."

I'm so sad that I let my kids get attached to him, and now it looks like we might not make it. A part of me feels like I'm overreacting, but if I can't tell him what upsets me, how can we go on?

Or should I suck it up and deal with it, given that sober, stable men seem so ridiculously hard to come by nowadays?

AnvilheadII

the moment you said But...........that's your GUT talking.

i find his repeated comments about certain features rude and insensitive. it's one thing to love ALL of you, it's another to continually stress areas in which you are insecure.

all the chatter about other women - yeah, no thanks. again, offensive and rude. i'd say thoughtless but i think he knows exactly what game he's playing.

while i do think the age gap DOES come into play here, his treatment of you is just not respectful. i don't care about the outings and trinkets. i'm talking the integrity of the man and his behavior TOWARDS you.

Maudcat

Listen to your instincts, hechose. They are very good.
This person sounds like a nice man with some flaws that just don't sit well with you.
Personally, I think he sounds a bit passive aggressive, with his "I love your big nose and your acne. On you it's adorable."
Who does that?
The comments about women who want him could be insecurity, maybe.
Anyway, something seems off.
Peace.

CanadianRose

I'm not saying that this is the case with this guy, but I dated a man years ago who started out as the absolute perfect guy (red flag) and made "cute" comments about the things that I was most insecure about. Very similar to what you're saying. He'd lightly pinch the little bit of extra skin under my upper arms and joke about them being wiggly. He'd call me "skinny", though I was hardly skinny. Not technically overweight, but I think calling me skinny was actually a way of making me think about the 15 lbs I wanted to lose and making me feel insecure. Stuff like that.

He turned out to be a very charming handsome sociopath and was invited to leave my life in short order.

Ann

Ditto to all of the above. I'm no matchmaker but sweetie, this man is not a "keeper". Love doesn't belittle (even in fun, there is nothing "fun" about belittling someone), love doesn't talk of other women like you are one of a possible harem, love doesn't push to move in when a strong relationship has not been established (a sign of a controlling man).

Throw him back, there are other fish in the sea and this one stinks.

Short version of all of the above? Trust your instincts always.

P.S. Your children may not be as attached as you think. They may think he's a good thing because he makes you happy and not because he's a swell fella.

Ariesagain

Oh, that "you can't take offense because I'm only joking" crap. XAH to a tee. If I called him on it, I was overly sensitive and had no sense of humor. So mostly I seethed quietly. He didn't insult me directly that often but he liked to "joke" about how the perfect woman was a deaf mute nymphomaniac whose father owned a liquor store. Harharhar. He also liked to "joke" about other women's looks and how he would like to have sex with them...including my sister. Hilarious, right?

In retrospect, the man had no real sense of humor. None. Just nastiness in a more socially acceptable form. Oh, and the other one was always, "I'm just being honest." No, you're being an asshat.

You didn't mention how long you've been with this guy, but odds are it won't get better. Passive aggression generally gets less passive over time.

Buhbye, mean guy.

Hechosedrugs

Thank you all. There was one moment during our first big argument where I looked him in the eyes and said, "I know this. I won't do it again."

It was like the mask slipped. He seems so great, but then the slightest disagreement and man, what an ass.

We've only been together for 3 months, but things were moving so quickly. He talked about marriage from day one, and those talks were becoming more and more intense. I'd moved a bunch of my clothes in and was practically living there. Today while he was at work I moved everything out and left a note. I just said I love how he is with the kids, I love how we are together, but I don't feel that we communicate effectively. He must have come home early, because he called and was very stand-offish. I asked how he was doing and he said, "Oh, I'm good" in the snottiest way possible. Then he said "I'll let you get back" and "Take care". No "I love you", no mention whatsoever of the note.

Guess it's over? Dodged the bullet? Man, it's hard. I really thought I'd gotten lucky- found love on the first try after divorce. Would have been great. But I do know the drill. As Ariesagain said, passive aggression becomes less passive over time.

What's so confusing is in some ways it's the opposite of my ex. Whereas XAH always seemed to say all the right things, but his actions were crappy, this guy's actions were stellar, it's his words that sucked.

Funny, that.

Ariesagain

You know that "moving so quickly" is another flag, right? I know it's so hard to find commitment that it seems wonderful when it's given so fast, but it seems like it's too often just a way to get entrenched quick before the real person shows through.

You can do better.

atalose

Keep repeating this to yourself ^^^^^^^^^

No you are not overreacting and DO NOT just suck it up!!!! Trust your gut!!!

Maudcat

Deep breath. You're good. It will all be okay.

CanadianRose

Yeah, the guy I was talking about was the first actual boyfriend I had after my first husband and I split. I wanted to believe that I had gotten lucky too and found me a good man so easily. It does suck. Hurt my heart and self-esteem to know that I fell for a fake person.

This guy was so awful and so good at pretending to be great that THREE of his exes reached out to me after I broke it off with him to offer support! He has his own ex-wives/girlfriends club, lol. The stuff he put them through...whoo. Had I not gotten out of that early on, I'd have wound up seriously messed over and possibly beaten up.

I have no doubt that you just dodged a major bullet. The LAST thing you need after being with an addict is being with an abusive man.

KES06

I agree with everyone else, too. Sounds like this guy is severely insecure,himself, and is trying to convince you he is "It". Too much selling, IMO. The gifts....(look at what I can BUY you)......comments on other women (you're getting a great deal, here because everybody wants me).....the comments about your appearance (you can't do any better than ME). Tread lightly. It is nice to feel needed and appreciated, but those feelings should not also carry apprehension.
Hugs.

heartcore

If it feels creepy, it's usually creepy.

If you feel like he is trying to diminish you with his "offhand comments," I ask - "if he cares enough about you to pay attention, he surely knows that teasing you about your nose or your acne makes you uncomfortable - so why would he do it?

If you adore someone, you typically know their sensitivities & try to be aware. I don't want to embarrass someone early in the relationship process. Why does he?

Ps. I don't know the answer. Actually asking...

PuzzledHeart

I'm proud of you hechosedrugs. It took me nine months before I dumped First Guy After Ex-Fiance Ditched Me. He slept around with other women and I knew it. It took me forever to drum up the courage to finally leave him.

My very first boyfriend in HS used to fondle my nose and tell me how cute I was. First I found it cute, then I found it annoying. He bristled when I said that and told me how I was becoming too much of a feminist, as if that was an insult. He told me I was getting stuck up. He grew up in a misogynistic household, and it showed. We broke up when I went away to college. Phew.

I found out later that his father had an affair and decided to leave his mom. He recruited First Boyfriend to help him. First Boyfriend bought a plane ticket for his mom to go on holiday with her family. When she left the house, First Boyfriend helped his father pack his things. Then he pretended to be shocked when his mom arrived home. His current girlfriend watched this all go down and dumped him. He's still single and angry towards women. Oh well.

You dodged a bullet, not only for you but your children as well.

FallenAngelina

I encourage you to re-frame this way of thinking because it's simply not true. Well, it's only as true as you think it is, I should say. We tend to find what we expect to find and if you have shortage consciousness about sober, stable men, you will find a shortage of sober, stable men. The truth is, there are many wonderful men all around us, but they are invisible to us if we think that they are hard to find. We also are not visible to them if we have a protective shield around us. Not sure if you're ready to date again, but when you are, forming a better feeling perspective about available men can only serve you.

LadyBlue0527

I hate to be so forthright but RUN. RUN FAST and RUN FAR.

His comments about your nose and and acne but then saying how cute they are is for one reason and one reason alone. It's an insecure person working on making you feel that same way about yourself. The comment about the sewing room is meant to insert into your head to be careful because you're not the only woman who wants him because that's just how great he is. Put all that together with him talking about marriage right at the get go and you have a classic textbook abuser. He's molding you into the insecure person he needs you to be in order for him to rule over you and that's exactly what will happen.

Get out now while you still can. It took me 12 wasted years of my life where things only got progressively worse.

Ok, I just went back to reread your post and realize you ended the relationship. I heaved a big sigh of relief for you.

doggonecarl

Where is the rule that says Sober = Stable?

AnvilheadII

i think this post is a good reminder that we need to really slow things down when meeting new people. to get to them know casually and over time. to remember that dating is DATING.....like shoe shopping or the uber horrifying swim suit shopping. it's takes TIME to go beyond the "oooo, that looks cute" part to trying things on to see if they really FIT and look good ON us.

i think we need to "see" people in a variety of settings - a variety of events - and in a variety of social interactions. we need to observe their actions OVER time. and keep the L word out of it. continue to date other people and don't jump into exclusive right away. remember they aren't the only item on the shelf and you need to call in the next 12 minutes to get the deal.

and yes, there are still nice people out there. my daughter and i just attended the All Star Softball Classic at Safeco this weekend - a United Way event to support homeless youth in our county. we had the time to speak with many of the volunteers who were either there just to help out for the day or representing one of the many youth resources in our area. talk about passionate driven enthusiastic NICE people!

Hechosedrugs

Let me join the chorus of others who came back with their tail between their legs to say, "I didn't listen". I stayed and hoped it would get better, and it only got worse. Every time I saw him he had something mean to say about my looks. Finy got the courage to leave and found out I was pregnant. 56 and has never gotten a girl pregnant, or so he said. Shooting blanks, he said.

Wish I had it in me to not tell him. But I did. Now I'm tied to another dysfunctional man for 18 years. Get to watch him verbally abuse our child.

Take it from me, it's not enough to break the pattern of dating addicts. You need to address the root cause of what makes you allow mistreatment. This guy was perfect on paper, but was a nasty son of a b****. I've never been talked to by anyone like I was by him.

Back to the steps.

Maudcat

Oh, boy.
This isn't good.
Marriage to this man isn't on the table, is it?
Have an attorney to protect you and the rights of your child?
I am so sorry.