Relationship with non-addict: what's normal?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 207
I'm so sorry Hechose.How are you doing? I wish you didn't have to experience this. Could be good to get some legal advise on this from a professional. Have you talked with Mr about any solutions concerning the child?
Sending you hugs
Sending you hugs
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
:-(
If you google "Soul GPS" on youtube, you might find some information that is useful to you. It's about narcissistic personality disorder or sociopaths in relationships, and this guy sounds like a sociopath. I agree with the person who said that passive aggression usually becomes less passive over time.
Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs 
I just don't know anymore.
I'm finally divorced from my XAH. That relationship was hell. Now I'm in a new relationship with what seemed like a wonderful man. I put him through the vetting process of a lifetime- drug tested him, ran a background check, asked about him around town. As far as I know, he's stable- drug-free, steady job, only drinks a glass of wine at a time, and very rarely.
He loves my kids. Every Sunday he takes us somewhere- miniature golfing, to festivals, etc. Every Friday he takes me out on a date. And he's always buying us little gifts and leaving love notes. But...
He makes little comments that I'm just not sure about. He's always mentioning my big nose- how cute it is, how much he loves it. And my acne. Oh, but he loves it! So I shouldn't get offended. Well, whatever. Personally, I'd rather not be reminded of my two biggest insecurities.
And he's constantly mentioning other women who are interested in him. Yesterday he asked what I would like to do with his weight room if we moved in. I told him he could keep it, but that I'd like to have a sewing table somewhere. He told me I'd have to fight this woman at his work for it, because she'd always said that would be her sewing room.
I just don't even know how to handle comments like that. I don't want to "pick me dance". And I can't even talk to him about these things, because if I do he'll say what he always does, that I'm sometimes "problematic". He's 22 years older than me, and I guess that's a casualty of dating an older man- that he'll sometimes treat me like a child.
I just keep thinking about the saying, "If you settle for less than you deserve, you'll end up getting even less than you settled for."
I'm so sad that I let my kids get attached to him, and now it looks like we might not make it. A part of me feels like I'm overreacting, but if I can't tell him what upsets me, how can we go on?
Or should I suck it up and deal with it, given that sober, stable men seem so ridiculously hard to come by nowadays?
I'm finally divorced from my XAH. That relationship was hell. Now I'm in a new relationship with what seemed like a wonderful man. I put him through the vetting process of a lifetime- drug tested him, ran a background check, asked about him around town. As far as I know, he's stable- drug-free, steady job, only drinks a glass of wine at a time, and very rarely.
He loves my kids. Every Sunday he takes us somewhere- miniature golfing, to festivals, etc. Every Friday he takes me out on a date. And he's always buying us little gifts and leaving love notes. But...
He makes little comments that I'm just not sure about. He's always mentioning my big nose- how cute it is, how much he loves it. And my acne. Oh, but he loves it! So I shouldn't get offended. Well, whatever. Personally, I'd rather not be reminded of my two biggest insecurities.
And he's constantly mentioning other women who are interested in him. Yesterday he asked what I would like to do with his weight room if we moved in. I told him he could keep it, but that I'd like to have a sewing table somewhere. He told me I'd have to fight this woman at his work for it, because she'd always said that would be her sewing room.
I just don't even know how to handle comments like that. I don't want to "pick me dance". And I can't even talk to him about these things, because if I do he'll say what he always does, that I'm sometimes "problematic". He's 22 years older than me, and I guess that's a casualty of dating an older man- that he'll sometimes treat me like a child.
I just keep thinking about the saying, "If you settle for less than you deserve, you'll end up getting even less than you settled for."
I'm so sad that I let my kids get attached to him, and now it looks like we might not make it. A part of me feels like I'm overreacting, but if I can't tell him what upsets me, how can we go on?
Or should I suck it up and deal with it, given that sober, stable men seem so ridiculously hard to come by nowadays?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello HCD,
I can only begin to imagine how hopeless you must be feeling assuming that you will somehow be tied to this man because of your precious baby on the way.
I have no real world experience to share....only what I would do if it were me. Take what you wil, etc.
Yes, he does have a right to a relationship with his child. That in no way means you are required to socialize with him. I would keep my contact with him confined to matters of the child only. I would probably prefer he not be at the hospital when the child is born. I would certainly consult an attorney at my earliest possible convenience.
Please do not think that your life is over because of this coming life! I am sure it will be different than you had imagined. I am sure that having to co-parent with this man will have its difficulties, but you can take steps to protect yourself and your child.
Sending many hugs!
I can only begin to imagine how hopeless you must be feeling assuming that you will somehow be tied to this man because of your precious baby on the way.
I have no real world experience to share....only what I would do if it were me. Take what you wil, etc.
Yes, he does have a right to a relationship with his child. That in no way means you are required to socialize with him. I would keep my contact with him confined to matters of the child only. I would probably prefer he not be at the hospital when the child is born. I would certainly consult an attorney at my earliest possible convenience.
Please do not think that your life is over because of this coming life! I am sure it will be different than you had imagined. I am sure that having to co-parent with this man will have its difficulties, but you can take steps to protect yourself and your child.
Sending many hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Thank you all for the support and advice. Unfortunately, I lost the baby. It was a terrible miscarriage and I ended up having to go to the hospital. I called the father of the baby- no answer. Called friends. It was around midnight. Guess who I ended up having to call? STBAXH. He watched the kids while I took an ambulance. It's the only time I've asked him to watch them since the divorce, and I really regret it. But at the time, all I could think was "I need help now."
The father of the baby still wants to work things out. He's insisting on coming over to drop off my belongings and at least "get closure". I'm assuming that means telling me more of what's wrong with me.
I had gotten used to the idea of having another child, and it was devastating to lose it. But at least I'm no longer tied to yet another dysfunctional man.
God works in mysterious ways.
The father of the baby still wants to work things out. He's insisting on coming over to drop off my belongings and at least "get closure". I'm assuming that means telling me more of what's wrong with me.
I had gotten used to the idea of having another child, and it was devastating to lose it. But at least I'm no longer tied to yet another dysfunctional man.
God works in mysterious ways.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh, sweetie. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through.
Tell him to put the stuff on the porch and get out. Better yet, tell him you don't need it or him and blick him.
You owe him nothing, let alone another opportunity to abuse you.
Sending you a hug.
Tell him to put the stuff on the porch and get out. Better yet, tell him you don't need it or him and blick him.
You owe him nothing, let alone another opportunity to abuse you.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm so sorry for your loss.
When I had a miscarriage I didn't tell my mother. I knew she'd have some wrong words to say - she always did. I asked someone else to tell her, then I didn't talk to her for a very long time afterwards: I waited until I felt strong enough. They can't stop themselves from their base personality, and in his case - well.
When I had a miscarriage I didn't tell my mother. I knew she'd have some wrong words to say - she always did. I asked someone else to tell her, then I didn't talk to her for a very long time afterwards: I waited until I felt strong enough. They can't stop themselves from their base personality, and in his case - well.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I just got caught up on this thread. Yikes.
I'm sorry that you lost the baby...but maybe this is one of those strangely wrapped gifts. The father sounds like a real piece of work. I would ditch his arse immediately, block him from calling/emailing you, and don't look back. It's time for you to heal, and that means spending some time on your own and getting comfortable your own skin.
Be safe.
I'm sorry that you lost the baby...but maybe this is one of those strangely wrapped gifts. The father sounds like a real piece of work. I would ditch his arse immediately, block him from calling/emailing you, and don't look back. It's time for you to heal, and that means spending some time on your own and getting comfortable your own skin.
Be safe.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I too am just catching up here and am so sorry for all you have been through.
Sometimes it is when we are at our weakest, most vulnerable time that we find courage we didn't know we had and the strength to heal and move forward.
As sad as all this has been for you, please close the door on this relationship, the room is already empty.
Hugs to you and prayers for better days ahead.
Sometimes it is when we are at our weakest, most vulnerable time that we find courage we didn't know we had and the strength to heal and move forward.
As sad as all this has been for you, please close the door on this relationship, the room is already empty.
Hugs to you and prayers for better days ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Thank you.
This has all been so eye-opening.
I met this man at Celebrate Recovery. He is a leader and very high up on the ladder. When he introduced himself as a "codependent who is recovering from anger" I thought, "Fabulous! After all I've put up with this will be no problem at all!"
Ugh.
I started to notice he doesn't go to small group meetings (at CR, we have a main meeting where we hear either a lesson or testimony, then we break off into our groups where we do our own sharing), and he hasn't done a step study in years.
What that means? He is always there to talk about his "recovery"- to share his story, to lead the meetings, but when is he actually working on his recovery? Basically, he thinks he's already recovered! Or maybe he just likes any chance to get up on the stage and have people observe the wonderfulness that is him. Get his pats on the back, applause. "You've come so far!" "Bravo!"
It makes me wonder- is this a common thing with recovery groups? That the people who are the most involved, the most vocal, are the ones who still have a long, long way to go?
A playground for narcissists?
Don't have any talents that permit you to get up on stage and feed that hungry ego of yours? Go to a recovery meeting!?????
The human race continues to amaze/ confuse me.
This has all been so eye-opening.
I met this man at Celebrate Recovery. He is a leader and very high up on the ladder. When he introduced himself as a "codependent who is recovering from anger" I thought, "Fabulous! After all I've put up with this will be no problem at all!"
Ugh.
I started to notice he doesn't go to small group meetings (at CR, we have a main meeting where we hear either a lesson or testimony, then we break off into our groups where we do our own sharing), and he hasn't done a step study in years.
What that means? He is always there to talk about his "recovery"- to share his story, to lead the meetings, but when is he actually working on his recovery? Basically, he thinks he's already recovered! Or maybe he just likes any chance to get up on the stage and have people observe the wonderfulness that is him. Get his pats on the back, applause. "You've come so far!" "Bravo!"
It makes me wonder- is this a common thing with recovery groups? That the people who are the most involved, the most vocal, are the ones who still have a long, long way to go?
A playground for narcissists?
Don't have any talents that permit you to get up on stage and feed that hungry ego of yours? Go to a recovery meeting!?????
The human race continues to amaze/ confuse me.
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