Need answers, clarity, I'm so lost
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Need answers, clarity, I'm so lost
My ex and I recently split after he became clean from an opioid addiction. I knew when we met he had dabbled with pills but never really understood how severe it was. He tried to stop numerous times calling me at work crying saying he felt so awful he was taking them again and didn't tell me. We have been basically living together since we began dating since we were best friends first, but recently moved into our own apartment after I had a falling out with my past roommate.
No the relationship was not always butterflies, but he was the first man to ever love me for ME. For who I was on the inside. He was everytjng I thought I wanted, everything I imagined. I chased him for over a year before I got him and was so happy to be able to share my life with this amazing man.
I'm finding it really hard to leave it alone right now. We broke up once when he was still on pills and he immediately started hooking up with other girls. So naturally thats what I think he is doing now. He claims he is always with his sober friends he meets in his meetings. He almost seems like hes being a jerk to me to try to push me away. Keeps saying it is definitely over yet he wants space. For me, giving space is hard because I have so many questions I feel like i need answers to before I can move on. And part of me is holding out hope that maybe down the line, he will realize how great I was for him and want me back in his life.
We both have major issues to work through independently. We are both absolutely codependent (i have never used in my life). And he has a 4 year old son and ex wife in Louisiana where he was stationed.. hes a combat veteran with 2 tours in Afghanistan. He always feels so guilty he left his son after his wife and him became divorced so he wants to now move back there and flat out told me he does not want me to go.
When he started recovery, his parents staged an intervention and we told him he needed to get his life in order, esoexially for his son. He detoxed at home in our apartment, with me by his side and I helped him through it. The whole time he kept saying "I fell in love with you all over again" "you're absolutely amazing, thank you so much for sticking by my side". And things seemed.to be looking up. We had an awesome first week in recovery and I even attended meetings with him. Then out of nowhere he stopped asking me to go and stopped really involving me in the conversations. I panicked and pushed and pushed and he kept saying he didn't know if he wanted this relationship anymore. A huge blow to me. We started to act like just.roommates and it was awful. I got books on addiction and recovery to try and do my own research and his family was a huge support system for me. I read everywhere you shouldn't end an existing relationship right away since emotions are everywhere but his buddies at the meetings encouraged him to do whatd best for him, and he ended it. He started moving his stuff out and started being really cold to me. I started freaking looking for answers and trying to get him to change his mind. When things are amazing w us theyre the best I would ever want in a relationship, how could we go through all this together only to have him throw me to the side after supporting him for 2 years. I'm finding it extremely hard to give space and to really sort through this and need help asap.
No the relationship was not always butterflies, but he was the first man to ever love me for ME. For who I was on the inside. He was everytjng I thought I wanted, everything I imagined. I chased him for over a year before I got him and was so happy to be able to share my life with this amazing man.
I'm finding it really hard to leave it alone right now. We broke up once when he was still on pills and he immediately started hooking up with other girls. So naturally thats what I think he is doing now. He claims he is always with his sober friends he meets in his meetings. He almost seems like hes being a jerk to me to try to push me away. Keeps saying it is definitely over yet he wants space. For me, giving space is hard because I have so many questions I feel like i need answers to before I can move on. And part of me is holding out hope that maybe down the line, he will realize how great I was for him and want me back in his life.
We both have major issues to work through independently. We are both absolutely codependent (i have never used in my life). And he has a 4 year old son and ex wife in Louisiana where he was stationed.. hes a combat veteran with 2 tours in Afghanistan. He always feels so guilty he left his son after his wife and him became divorced so he wants to now move back there and flat out told me he does not want me to go.
When he started recovery, his parents staged an intervention and we told him he needed to get his life in order, esoexially for his son. He detoxed at home in our apartment, with me by his side and I helped him through it. The whole time he kept saying "I fell in love with you all over again" "you're absolutely amazing, thank you so much for sticking by my side". And things seemed.to be looking up. We had an awesome first week in recovery and I even attended meetings with him. Then out of nowhere he stopped asking me to go and stopped really involving me in the conversations. I panicked and pushed and pushed and he kept saying he didn't know if he wanted this relationship anymore. A huge blow to me. We started to act like just.roommates and it was awful. I got books on addiction and recovery to try and do my own research and his family was a huge support system for me. I read everywhere you shouldn't end an existing relationship right away since emotions are everywhere but his buddies at the meetings encouraged him to do whatd best for him, and he ended it. He started moving his stuff out and started being really cold to me. I started freaking looking for answers and trying to get him to change his mind. When things are amazing w us theyre the best I would ever want in a relationship, how could we go through all this together only to have him throw me to the side after supporting him for 2 years. I'm finding it extremely hard to give space and to really sort through this and need help asap.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
We both have major issues to work through independently. We are both absolutely codependent
well it seems that regardless of what the outcome MAY be down the road, this would be a terrific place for YOU to start?? codependency can be a very damaging draining affliction. the virtual "bible" on that is a book called Codependency No More. readers identify quickly with the stories, the traits and behaviors.
Alanon meetings would be a another suggestion. not AA.
when someone asks for space our only real option is the give them space. chasing after them is not respectful - to them or to ourselves. he might not have the words right now to say what you WANT to hear....he may never. learning to accept that is a process.
well it seems that regardless of what the outcome MAY be down the road, this would be a terrific place for YOU to start?? codependency can be a very damaging draining affliction. the virtual "bible" on that is a book called Codependency No More. readers identify quickly with the stories, the traits and behaviors.
Alanon meetings would be a another suggestion. not AA.
when someone asks for space our only real option is the give them space. chasing after them is not respectful - to them or to ourselves. he might not have the words right now to say what you WANT to hear....he may never. learning to accept that is a process.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We both have major issues to work through independently.
I could not save my addicted son but it really got to the point that I might die trying. I chose a better path, for him and for me.
Please work on accepting what is rather than living in the illusion of what might have been. Get help for yourself, as you become healthier the wisdom of leaving a toxic relationship will become clear, I promise.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
We fall in love with words. Words we desperately want to hear.
I am learning to give actions/behavior more attention. I recently dated a man who told me constantly how awesome I am. He was a total ass behavior-wise. He is still texting and telling me I'm awesome...
I realize I am thirsty for those words. But they are awfully easy for him to say. He throws them around like confetti!
Your post sounds like you are doing more than your share of the work of understanding all this! There might not be any satisfying answers!
I'm learning to ask myself "does the actual reality of this situation work for me?" It's a very good question!
I am learning to give actions/behavior more attention. I recently dated a man who told me constantly how awesome I am. He was a total ass behavior-wise. He is still texting and telling me I'm awesome...
I realize I am thirsty for those words. But they are awfully easy for him to say. He throws them around like confetti!
Your post sounds like you are doing more than your share of the work of understanding all this! There might not be any satisfying answers!
I'm learning to ask myself "does the actual reality of this situation work for me?" It's a very good question!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Ps. He is rejecting you right now, after all that closeness & dedication. Take a deep breath & hear him. Sometimes the right thing happens, even though we didn't make it happen or want it to happen!
Your power is limited! The only true power we have is in creating & living our own lives. It's a hurty truth. Just be your very best self & see what happens next! Let the other stuff drain through your fingers like sand...
He also gets to decide if this isn't right for him, now. No matter what words he said in the past. I hate that truth(!) but there it is...
Your power is limited! The only true power we have is in creating & living our own lives. It's a hurty truth. Just be your very best self & see what happens next! Let the other stuff drain through your fingers like sand...
He also gets to decide if this isn't right for him, now. No matter what words he said in the past. I hate that truth(!) but there it is...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Sometimes we get kicked in the teeth. Doesn't mean we like it. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. But after it happens, we have to get up off the ground.
What has happened is going to stay with you for some time. You're not going to like most days in the near term. That said, trust me when I say things get better...
What has happened is going to stay with you for some time. You're not going to like most days in the near term. That said, trust me when I say things get better...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,670
GG- lots of wise words here. ANY person going through emotional turmoil often find the path more bearable with ongoing daily support. Support groups do help. Even if it is just to connect. To sit and listen to words. A kind of mindfulness. there IIS help. Perhaps not people who jump up and rescue us- that is out job. BUT we walk out own path- which much of the time can be shared with others. I think that is important- as well as strategies of what to do. Support and empathy to you.
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