My soul mate dumped me in early recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
My soul mate dumped me in early recovery
Hi,
My boyfriend and I have been together a year this month but were off and on for the year previous. I knew all along he had dabbled with pills, but never realized how intense it was. We recently moved into an apartment together in January, after he was staying with me in my old place I shared with a roommate.
Almost a month ago his family staged an intervention, which I knew nothing about. My boyfriend agreed to go to the VA to get help (he is a combat veteran). But there were no physicians so he came home and detoxed in our bedroom. I stayed by his side, stayed up all night, rubbed his legs, got anything he needed and was super supportive he told me he had fallen in love with me all over again and that he was positive we were meant to be if we were able to get through all that.
A week went by and he began meetings, I attended one with him. He goes every night and is doing amazing to this day. But I struggled a lot with my place, where my help was wanted or needed and what I should be doing. He insisted i back off and give him space.. but I was never seeing him and I panicked. Started becoming emotional and naggy myself until he was constantly back and forth with what he wanted with me.
Last week, he ended it. Said he didn't and coulsnt be with me anymore. Moved his stuff out of our apartment, blocked me on social media, took all of our pictures down. I have read numerous times that you shouldn't end an existing relationship but that his sober buddies said if this is what's best for him then do it. I just can't understand why he would after me helping him constantly. He left me broke with an apartment I cant afford, and a broken heart. Im devestated. I helped save the kids life. I'm so lost...
My boyfriend and I have been together a year this month but were off and on for the year previous. I knew all along he had dabbled with pills, but never realized how intense it was. We recently moved into an apartment together in January, after he was staying with me in my old place I shared with a roommate.
Almost a month ago his family staged an intervention, which I knew nothing about. My boyfriend agreed to go to the VA to get help (he is a combat veteran). But there were no physicians so he came home and detoxed in our bedroom. I stayed by his side, stayed up all night, rubbed his legs, got anything he needed and was super supportive he told me he had fallen in love with me all over again and that he was positive we were meant to be if we were able to get through all that.
A week went by and he began meetings, I attended one with him. He goes every night and is doing amazing to this day. But I struggled a lot with my place, where my help was wanted or needed and what I should be doing. He insisted i back off and give him space.. but I was never seeing him and I panicked. Started becoming emotional and naggy myself until he was constantly back and forth with what he wanted with me.
Last week, he ended it. Said he didn't and coulsnt be with me anymore. Moved his stuff out of our apartment, blocked me on social media, took all of our pictures down. I have read numerous times that you shouldn't end an existing relationship but that his sober buddies said if this is what's best for him then do it. I just can't understand why he would after me helping him constantly. He left me broke with an apartment I cant afford, and a broken heart. Im devestated. I helped save the kids life. I'm so lost...
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Goodgirl...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but I'm thankful that you found us and took that all important first step by posting. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts.
I think one of the reasons why you're so shocked and puzzled is because you're operating under the assumption that he was experiencing your relationship in the same way you were. But he wasn't. By your own admission, he was popping pills throughout your relationship. And because he was doing this, he was in an altered state of consciousness the entirety time you were together. At the end of the day, you really didn't know him. The real him, you don't know. Hell, he doesn't even know himself because he was too busy suppressing his real self by popping pills. By doing so, Goodgirl, he was putting himself and his addiction before you and your relationship.
I do not mean to say he didn't care about you. Of course he cared about you. But he's been operating at a deficit, and that precluded him from being all in with you the way you were all in with him.
My hope for him is he takes this time to think about what he needs to do in order to be healthy. The days and weeks to come are going to be crucial for him. There's no room for denial anymore. And if he's to get better, he needs to focus on himself and his recovery. He can't really do that with you or anyone else in the picture.
As far as my hopes for you go...right now, you're bleeding, and I totally get it. This is a time when you need to do a lot of self care. Part of that self care is to learn about addiction so that you can understand why he's done what he's done, and why you can't be part of his life at this moment. The days and weeks for you are not going to be easy. There will be days when it sucks. But there is hope. In time, you will start to feel better. You'll always carry him, and that's a good thing, but you need to learn how to carry him while going on with your own life. And you will learn this.
Anyways, this is longer than I usually go on for when greeting a new member. When our members greet you, pay attention. It will safe your sanity. Trust me on this.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but I'm thankful that you found us and took that all important first step by posting. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts.
I think one of the reasons why you're so shocked and puzzled is because you're operating under the assumption that he was experiencing your relationship in the same way you were. But he wasn't. By your own admission, he was popping pills throughout your relationship. And because he was doing this, he was in an altered state of consciousness the entirety time you were together. At the end of the day, you really didn't know him. The real him, you don't know. Hell, he doesn't even know himself because he was too busy suppressing his real self by popping pills. By doing so, Goodgirl, he was putting himself and his addiction before you and your relationship.
I do not mean to say he didn't care about you. Of course he cared about you. But he's been operating at a deficit, and that precluded him from being all in with you the way you were all in with him.
My hope for him is he takes this time to think about what he needs to do in order to be healthy. The days and weeks to come are going to be crucial for him. There's no room for denial anymore. And if he's to get better, he needs to focus on himself and his recovery. He can't really do that with you or anyone else in the picture.
As far as my hopes for you go...right now, you're bleeding, and I totally get it. This is a time when you need to do a lot of self care. Part of that self care is to learn about addiction so that you can understand why he's done what he's done, and why you can't be part of his life at this moment. The days and weeks for you are not going to be easy. There will be days when it sucks. But there is hope. In time, you will start to feel better. You'll always carry him, and that's a good thing, but you need to learn how to carry him while going on with your own life. And you will learn this.
Anyways, this is longer than I usually go on for when greeting a new member. When our members greet you, pay attention. It will safe your sanity. Trust me on this.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Goodgirl. Welcome to SR. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you found us. This is an awesome recovery site.
Healing from a break up takes time. Give yourself time and space. Practice self-care, and be gentle with yourself.
Be fierce, however, with your sorry-a$$ man.
Kick him out of your life like a soccer ball. Get a roommate or move to something you can afford. You have been given a great gift, though it may not seem so right now: life without an addict in it.
Peace.
P.S. He wasn't your soulmate. Soulmates don't treat the people they love the way he treated you.
Healing from a break up takes time. Give yourself time and space. Practice self-care, and be gentle with yourself.
Be fierce, however, with your sorry-a$$ man.
Kick him out of your life like a soccer ball. Get a roommate or move to something you can afford. You have been given a great gift, though it may not seem so right now: life without an addict in it.
Peace.
P.S. He wasn't your soulmate. Soulmates don't treat the people they love the way he treated you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by zoso77 
Goodgirl...
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but I'm thankful that you found us and took that all important first step by posting. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts.
I think one of the reasons why you're so shocked and puzzled is because you're operating under the assumption that he was experiencing your relationship in the same way you were. But he wasn't. By your own admission, he was popping pills throughout your relationship. And because he was doing this, he was in an altered state of consciousness the entirety time you were together. At the end of the day, you really didn't know him. The real him, you don't know. Hell, he doesn't even know himself because he was too busy suppressing his real self by popping pills. By doing so, Goodgirl, he was putting himself and his addiction before you and your relationship.
I do not mean to say he didn't care about you. Of course he cared about you. But he's been operating at a deficit, and that precluded him from being all in with you the way you were all in with him.
My hope for him is he takes this time to think about what he needs to do in order to be healthy. The days and weeks to come are going to be crucial for him. There's no room for denial anymore. And if he's to get better, he needs to focus on himself and his recovery. He can't really do that with you or anyone else in the picture.
As far as my hopes for you go...right now, you're bleeding, and I totally get it. This is a time when you need to do a lot of self care. Part of that self care is to learn about addiction so that you can understand why he's done what he's done, and why you can't be part of his life at this moment. The days and weeks for you are not going to be easy. There will be days when it sucks. But there is hope. In time, you will start to feel better. You'll always carry him, and that's a good thing, but you need to learn how to carry him while going on with your own life. And you will learn this.
Anyways, this is longer than I usually go on for when greeting a new member. When our members greet you, pay attention. It will safe your sanity. Trust me on this.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what has happened to you, but I'm thankful that you found us and took that all important first step by posting. Other members will be by to greet you in due course. Until they do, I'd like to share my thoughts.
I think one of the reasons why you're so shocked and puzzled is because you're operating under the assumption that he was experiencing your relationship in the same way you were. But he wasn't. By your own admission, he was popping pills throughout your relationship. And because he was doing this, he was in an altered state of consciousness the entirety time you were together. At the end of the day, you really didn't know him. The real him, you don't know. Hell, he doesn't even know himself because he was too busy suppressing his real self by popping pills. By doing so, Goodgirl, he was putting himself and his addiction before you and your relationship.
I do not mean to say he didn't care about you. Of course he cared about you. But he's been operating at a deficit, and that precluded him from being all in with you the way you were all in with him.
My hope for him is he takes this time to think about what he needs to do in order to be healthy. The days and weeks to come are going to be crucial for him. There's no room for denial anymore. And if he's to get better, he needs to focus on himself and his recovery. He can't really do that with you or anyone else in the picture.
As far as my hopes for you go...right now, you're bleeding, and I totally get it. This is a time when you need to do a lot of self care. Part of that self care is to learn about addiction so that you can understand why he's done what he's done, and why you can't be part of his life at this moment. The days and weeks for you are not going to be easy. There will be days when it sucks. But there is hope. In time, you will start to feel better. You'll always carry him, and that's a good thing, but you need to learn how to carry him while going on with your own life. And you will learn this.
Anyways, this is longer than I usually go on for when greeting a new member. When our members greet you, pay attention. It will safe your sanity. Trust me on this.
Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I want him to come back so bad
I totally get where you are right now. I empathize with it a great deal. But I can tell you from personal experience that once you put distance between yourself and the person you're longing for, the way you look at that person changes. And that's because you learn more: about him, about yourself, about what's really important to you...etc...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by zoso77
I know you do. And that's normal because you're mourning. But allow me gently suggest that just because you want something doesn't mean it's good for you.
I totally get where you are right now. I empathize with it a great deal. But I can tell you from personal experience that once you put distance between yourself and the person you're longing for, the way you look at that person changes. And that's because you learn more: about him, about yourself, about what's really important to you...etc...
I totally get where you are right now. I empathize with it a great deal. But I can tell you from personal experience that once you put distance between yourself and the person you're longing for, the way you look at that person changes. And that's because you learn more: about him, about yourself, about what's really important to you...etc...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
from my impartial seat here, it doesn't sound AS IF your relationship was all sunshine and roses. lots of "on again/off again" - which means breaking up became part of the pattern. if he is now finally clean from drugs, his "world" has been turned upside down, inside out and he's not a super stable person. anymore than he was a stable person while on drugs!!!
if you read around here, you will see that your situation is NOT at all uncommon....the faithful partner sticking by them, helping them sober up, and then off they go. when we become so involved in their addiction, we often become PART of it. newly clean addicts often "clean up" their lives by getting away from everything associated with their former lives. and sometimes the partner is collateral damage.
if you read around here, you will see that your situation is NOT at all uncommon....the faithful partner sticking by them, helping them sober up, and then off they go. when we become so involved in their addiction, we often become PART of it. newly clean addicts often "clean up" their lives by getting away from everything associated with their former lives. and sometimes the partner is collateral damage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 9
Goodgirl-
I feel your pain as you can go back and read my post thread earlier this year. Anvilhead, it's totally depressing when you say we get dumped as collateral damage. WE DID THE WORK and now they are off with new women and simpler lives sober.
I was deeply traumatized by being discarded after my RA got sober. I was by his side like an idiot helping him. Then he didn't "need" me anymore. He hasn't looked back.
Time does help but I will never forget the trauma of this experience. And he has no consequences for his hurting of others!
I feel your pain as you can go back and read my post thread earlier this year. Anvilhead, it's totally depressing when you say we get dumped as collateral damage. WE DID THE WORK and now they are off with new women and simpler lives sober.
I was deeply traumatized by being discarded after my RA got sober. I was by his side like an idiot helping him. Then he didn't "need" me anymore. He hasn't looked back.
Time does help but I will never forget the trauma of this experience. And he has no consequences for his hurting of others!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
WE DID THE WORK
well see that is exactly the problem. what work? fighting THEIR addiction? why is the OUR work to do? addiction isn't a team sport, nor is recovery. there isn't one single thing WE can do FOR them.....we can't NOT drink for them, we can't THINK for them, we can't run around being the drug police. NONE of it belongs to US.
well see that is exactly the problem. what work? fighting THEIR addiction? why is the OUR work to do? addiction isn't a team sport, nor is recovery. there isn't one single thing WE can do FOR them.....we can't NOT drink for them, we can't THINK for them, we can't run around being the drug police. NONE of it belongs to US.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Richmond, VA
Posts: 9
Anvilhead, I love your response except I do believe people do help others when they are sick. When people are that far gone in addiction, others encouraging them to turn around can be of help. We are taught in this life to help others. I understand not to enable them but try to show people a better life.
I just feel so deceived that my ex RA moves on with no consequences and able to let go of a relationship that HE claims meant so much to him. Just to move on with other women.
I just feel so deceived that my ex RA moves on with no consequences and able to let go of a relationship that HE claims meant so much to him. Just to move on with other women.
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