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Old 05-05-2017, 02:32 PM   #1 (permalink)
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How to deal with relapse as a girlfriend?


Hello,

I am entirely new to this forum for the simple fact that I've never dated an addict before now. My boyfriend and I haven't been together long, only about 6 months, but in those 6 months we have experienced so much life and happiness together. He was one of my best friends before we dated, but the relationship only progressed from there. He moved into my place in March and took my son in as his own - he's an amazing father figure and they've become very attached to each other. He also is (was) one of the most fun and adventurous people I've ever met, always wanting to go on long drives, trips to the beach, go rock climbing, travel, and so on. Not to mention so sweet and kind to me everyday. We talked about marriage and adoption, and moving out of the city after I graduate next month. It was a perfect, healthy relationship and everything felt like a dream.

I knew when we started dating that he was a recovering addict and had been clean for a year and half, but I guess I didn't really understand how bad his problem was in the past. A few weeks ago he used again for the first time, but then took a step back and said "what am I doing." He made a promise to not do it again, for the sake of my son and our family and relationship. I believed him. We took a vacation to Alaska. Made a list of promises to each other. Things went back to normal. Everything felt under control.

Within the past 5 days, though, he has fully relapsed and put me through more hell than I ever knew I could experience. For starters, he is a completely different person when he's high, it's like night and day. He's mean, he picks out my flaws, he's cold and distant, doesn't want to touch me. He doesn't want to do any of the fun stuff we used to do, he'd rather just sit in the apartment all day. But on top of that, he's manipulative and everything he says is a lie. When he's high, he'll tell me he doesn't want to date me anymore. Half an hour later, he loves me more than anything in the world. An hour later, he wants to move away from this city and away from me. An hour after that, he wants to quit using and he'll do whatever it takes to stop.

Two days ago, he didn't come home after work. After a few hours of worrying, I texted him and left a post on his facebook because he wouldn't answer my calls. When he finally got home at midnight, high and grumpy, he berated me for trying to "control" and "keep tabs" on him. I tried to apologize and tell him that I just wanted to know if he was coming home, but he kept interrupting me, telling me I was making excuses for myself and getting on his nerves and he didn't want to talk to me anymore.

Yesterday morning, I pleaded with him to quit bringing drugs home because he knows I'm strictly against having anything like that in the house. Within a few hours he had packed up most his stuff, blocked my phone number, blocked me on all social media, and took off. He stole so much money from me that I can't even pay my rent, and has now chosen (I'm assuming) homelessness and drugs over a perfect life with a family who loves him and a roof over his head. I cried for 12 hours yesterday praying that he would come home safe, but he never did and I haven't heard from him since.

Sorry this post is so long, but this is my first time dealing with this type of situation -- everything went downhill SO fast, and I'm just shocked and speechless that the love of my life is treating me this way. It doesn't even feel like real life, just a nightmare I can't wake up from. So I guess my question is this. How do I come to terms with walking away from it all? At what point do I give up on him? The hardest part is knowing how perfect our life COULD be if he quit using, because before all of this we had the happiest relationship I'd ever experienced. I keep holding onto hope that he'll come back and get clean because I want him, the old him, the one that was perfect for me in every way. But I also am trying to be realistic for the sake of my son and my own sanity.

Like I said, he's been on this binge for 5 days after being clean for a year and a half, so I know he's capable of recovery, at least short-term, but for some reason he doesn't want it right now (even though he says he does) and I can't keep living this way. I want him back. Do they ever come back from this?
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Old 05-05-2017, 04:22 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I am so very sorry you are going through all this pain but sadly, it's a common tale and when addicts are active in their disease nobody is safe around them. You have experienced only a taste of how bad it can be, please take the lesson and leave the relationship behind, girl. This is no life for you and your child.

There are a million reasons why you need to be done with this, one is that when you had drugs at your house YOU could have been arrested, charged and your child taken away. It's happened before here and is heart breaking.

It won't be easy, but resisting the urge to contact him or take calls from him is the best way to cut ties. He isn't the person you thought he was, the person you see now is what addiction has turned him into.

The "woulda's, coulda's, shoulda's and what if's" only make it more painful. It's not your fault, you can't make him stop, and nothing you do or don't do will change what is happening.

Please save yourself and your child while you can.

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Old 05-05-2017, 04:51 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hi, i impurity. Welcome. Sorry for your pain.
Sadly, yours is a pretty common story around this site. A promising relationship heads south fast due to addiction.
As Ann said, none of this is on you, and there is really nothing you can do, save walk away from this sorry, sorry man.
You and your child should NOT be around drugs. It is a recipe for disaster.
Though you are very sad and wishing you had the good man you fell in love with back, you have dodged a substantial bullet. Life with an addict is the hardest thing there is.
Please protect yourself and your finances. Do not allow him back in if he comes around--and he very well may. Cut all ties. He is not good for you.
Sorry to sound so abrupt. I wish you the very best and hope you will keep posting. This is a supportive site. Lots of experience, strength and hope.
Peace.
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Old 05-05-2017, 06:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
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you were right to kick an active drug user OUT of your home.
HE is that addict. sure he MAY clean up......but always remember, supposedly when you two moved IN together he had over a year clean.....THEN, with a sober mind, he CHOSE to do drugs again and bring them into your home with your child present.

the best solution is to just not let that person back. ever. you put a protective bubble around your kid and you do not let anyone violate that space. ever. not for any reason.

am i right? isn't that how we protect our children???
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Old 05-06-2017, 08:25 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks all. This is one of the most painfully heart breaking things I have ever dealt with. Never imagined I'd have to go through it. I appreciate the support, I know my child comes first. Always will.

After two nights on the streets, he came back last night saying he missed me and my son, with promises of quitting. I watched him take suboxone last night and this morning and drove him to work....but I have had that nagging feeling all day that nothing will truly change and sure enough he isn't back from work yet and I know exactly what happens when he comes home late. I feel like he just said whatever he could to be able to have a warm place to sleep last night.

I have had enough, he has put me $500+ into debt and has lied to me more in the past week than anyone in my life. I can't live this way. I'll be back looking for support as I work through this rough patch, thank you.
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:02 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I just don't understand how addiction can turn someone so kind and seemingly perfect into a complete monster. He promised he'd never do this to me. He spent so many nights crying about everything he lost a few years back when he was a habitual heroin user. He said he regrets everything he did before he went to treatment, will he regret this too?

He used to be so honest and trustworthy, adventurous and free spirited. His eyes were full of passion when he looked at me, and he showered me with affection all day everyday. Now I can barely get a smile or "I love you" with his cold, empty stare. How does addiction change people so much and so rapidly?
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:19 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well, sadly, addicts are really good at turning on the charm when they want to. They like to have someone around to be the buffer.
He will use you as long as you let him. It isn't personal. It's what addicts do.
Seriously, walk away. This has no good ending for you.
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Old 05-07-2017, 01:49 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by impuritydoped View Post
I just don't understand how addiction can turn someone so kind and seemingly perfect into a complete monster. He promised he'd never do this to me. He spent so many nights crying about everything he lost a few years back when he was a habitual heroin user. He said he regrets everything he did before he went to treatment, will he regret this too?

He used to be so honest and trustworthy, adventurous and free spirited. His eyes were full of passion when he looked at me, and he showered me with affection all day everyday. Now I can barely get a smile or "I love you" with his cold, empty stare. How does addiction change people so much and so rapidly?
I know exactly what you mean and I am so so sorry. I'm sitting here with my own heart breaking for the exact same reason, and I wish I were the only one who felt this way. No one deserves this. It is insane. My heart goes out to you, genuinely. I know how it feels. We're better than this. We deserve more.
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Old 05-07-2017, 03:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
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. Now I can barely get a smile or "I love you" with his cold, empty stare. How does addiction change people so much and so rapidly?
One of things I learned is that even when they are clean/sober the disease doesn't stop. When they relapse, they are exactly where they were before they got clean.

Addiction lives in the same part of the brain that tells them to breath. He will do and say what ever he has to do in order to get the next high.

Why are you driving him to work? Does he not drive? Has he lost his license?

Its very important that you NOT believe his words only his actions. I would strongly suggest that you not allow him back into your home, change the locks and protect yourself and your finances. Be lucky at this point it's only $500.00 you've lost because it can will be so much more if you allow him back any time soon.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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I agree with this, don't let him back into your home, not even to stay one night.
And yes, you are lucky it hasn't been much more, already. He could have access to bank accounts, and other things, too. If you keep letting him stay there it will ONLY get worse- if you don't stop it he will see it as "she will still let me around, won't call the cops, she doesn't care because she has plenty of money, etc". I kept believing the words of my ex addict and he stole 700+ from my parents that they were saving up for my 80 year old grandparents, probably another 500 or so from my wallet over time, he stole a lot of my jewelry which wasn't worth much money but was all I had left of my now dead grandmother and cousin, he stole change from a bucket I was saving for my son's bank account, and lots of other things, even food from my freezer for some reason.

Last edited by solicitude; 05-07-2017 at 06:28 PM. Reason: grammar
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Old 05-07-2017, 10:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I am so sorry that you are going through this!

He sounds like a wonderful man who is an addict.

You need to keep yourself safe, & more importantly keep your son safe... It is one of the hardest things on Earth to set boundaries, & hold boundaries, with someone you love...

I think that - given the situation - your baseline boundaries are:
You cannot live here, because you are using.
You cannot be high when you are with me.
You cannot be high & have contact with my son.

Then, there is...but I love you & want you to be well. I miss you in my life. Do you want that or this?

It's the "do you want that or this?" which is hardest to hold. Can't have both.

People relapse. People recover. People also choose not to recover.

Keep yourself safe. Block any access to your finances. Take a deep long breath. You are in a very difficult deciding place. You have been hurt & lost trust. It's ok to say that to him. You had a dream & he was part of it. It is a loss, like death is a loss.

Then you have to repair & build your own life! Make it as just right as you can. If he is an intelligent man, he knows he has to do some serious work to join you in that life. It's a wait & see moment, but you can't just wait, you have to keep building your own life (& your son's life).

For some addicts, a relapse is a singular thing. For others, it is a coping pattern which will play out over & over.

Your only job is you & your son. His addiction is 100% his job to conquer. If he cannot, it does not reflect on you or the quality or loyalty of your love!

I know it's hard to hear, but if he cannot overcome his demons, you will live a better life without his presence. So just keep going forward, breathe, reach out to friends & family & online support & perhaps a therapist or alanon or church, & keep your life alive. Hold your line in the sand. That is the waiting. Don't soften the line!

You are in the right place! You have found a private & nurturing community to support you - no matter the outcome!

Sometimes, we just get a brief moment of good relationship! This is not a mistake. It is a glimpse of what is possible!

You cannot change or fix another human! That's their task. Life is just really complicated & hard, sometimes. Your only job is to protect yourself & your son at all costs. And sometimes, the cost is high. But, in the end, our job as parents is immense...

I send a far-away hug! My only knowing is that co-parenting with an active addict hurts all...
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Old 05-10-2017, 03:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Setting boundaries has never been my strong suit in life so that makes all of this especially challenging. I have been trying to put my foot down but he manipulates my emotions to the fullest.
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Old 05-11-2017, 12:37 PM   #13 (permalink)
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well you might not be fully understanding the what and how of boundaries.

boundaries are NOT rules........or ultimatums. and they are not FOR the other person.

boundaries are like a force field around ourselves. we decided what we will and WILL NOT accept in the behaviors of others.

A boundary could be: I refuse to allow drug use in my home. If i find or suspect you are using drugs in my home, i will immediately call the police.

Another might be, I am worthy of honesty and respect in all my relationships. And i will not engage with anyone who has shown themselves to be dishonest.

My income is a valuable hard earned commodity and it will not be used to fund illicit or illegal activities. I am not a bank and will not loan money to friends or partners. If i suspect someone has taken money from me without my permission, I will contact the police and report the theft.

Notice in the above "I" did not demand that "you" do anything. "I" only stated what MY actions will be in specific circumstances.

but he manipulates my emotions
he can't do that without you allowing it. take your power back. he's not Kryptonite.
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Old 05-11-2017, 12:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I guess at this point if you cannot be strong enough for yourself and keep an active drug addict away from you and your home then try to be strong enough to protect your son from that.

No contact – block him from having any access to you via cell phone and do not answer your door if he knocks. Why are those boundaries so hard for you? Isn’t your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your child worth that effort?
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Old 05-11-2017, 04:43 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I understand. That's a good way to think about it. Yes, of course my child's well being is the most important to me, which is why I've been keeping him away from my house. But we've spoken a bit, and it's just difficult being in this situation for the first time differentiating between truth and fiction. After knowing him to be an honest and straightforward person for so long, it's hard coming to terms with the fact that now every promise is broken and every story is a lie.
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Old 05-11-2017, 05:34 PM   #16 (permalink)
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But we've spoken a bit, and it's just difficult being in this situation for the first time differentiating between truth and fiction. After knowing him to be an honest and straightforward person for so long, it's hard coming to terms with the fact that now every promise is broken and every story is a lie.
It's like buying a used car, it looks all shiny and clean, runs great and gets good gas mileage. Then about 6 months in a tire falls off, then the transmission starts to give you problems then it's the brakes............you begin to realize that the salesman sold you a bill of no goods!! Active addicts are very much the same, they are real good at selling themselves in the beginning but they just can't maintain that level for long. I'm betting the house that he was active in his addiction when he first met you and was able to control it until he was no longer able to do that.

It's good you are keeping him away from your home but it would be emotionally healthier for YOU to just block him from contacting you at all.
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Old 05-12-2017, 08:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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I am going to say this gently.

For yourself, for your child. No contact, move on. This will be toxic to you forever. And even more so for your child. Get away.

I am so sorry for why you are here, but glad you are here. SR is a place of great support.
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Old 05-13-2017, 11:23 AM   #18 (permalink)
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I have decided to take the advice and go total no contact, as hard as it may be. It doesn't really matter anyway because it's not like he stays in contact or messages me on his own time. I started back on some anti-anxiety medicine which has been helping tremendously -- I've always had moderate anxiety, had it before we started dating and sure as hell have it now (for awhile he showed me calm amidst the storm and I didn't need it that much).

I was thinking last night, and sort of re-experiencing the emotions I've gone through in this SHORT span of 2 weeks (literally, April 28 he was clean and we were best ******* friends, inseperable, he was showering me with love and affection and intimacy, and saying he thought he had fallen in love with me....wtf?). One of the last nights he stayed here, he hadn't gotten high that day but we were drinking a bit. He was being affectionate, not as much as before but still, kissing me, kqcalling me babe, talking about plans that we have months down the road as if he was excited for them. But he was also glued to his phone. And I saw that he was talking to his ex, talking about getting back together with her, about paying for them to go travel, and he had her name saved in his phone as "Special Someone <3". And he had my name saved in his phone as "Uhh Mmk". And he was telling her this while he kissed me and told me he loved me and slept by my side.

I don't know if I've ever felt so betrayed and hurt as what this man has put me through. So yeah, while it's tough, good riddance for now and I really hope he finds peace after all of this.
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Old 05-13-2017, 11:32 AM   #19 (permalink)
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An alcoholic once told me that they are good at "playing the angles." I hadn't realized before how deliberate the manipulations are. When you love someone, you WANT to believe their lies - that is the problem, and they know it. You have to outsmart them! Don't believe lies! (Talking to myself too).
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