Am I doing the right thing?!
 

I apologize for the length of this. This is the very first time in my life that I've ever been in a situation like this so any insight or advice is greatly needed.

I'm a 37 year old single working mom (raised my child on my own since day one), so I've done alright at steering clear of these things.

I'm in a new relationship - we're talking only a few months. In February, I met a man, a veteran (45), who seemed to be the type of man I've wanted in my life. On the day we physically met, we were talking and getting to know each other...he mentioned to me that he'd been clean/sober for 3 years. The thought of getting high made him sick to his stomach. I took that to be a good sign. The only thing he'd been taking was insulin for diabetes and anxiety meds, which is common for a veteran, so I didn't think anything of it.

I live a pretty square lifestyle. No alcohol, no drugs, other than my asthma/allergy meds...I've never even smoked a cigarette.

February through the middle of April, things were great. "Magical" even. He started to do things that usually mean he's planning to stick around. Giving me a key to his place, leaving things at mine, talking about me to his friends and family, making plans with me ("I" became "WE")...involving me in the things he loves to do - he is an amputee who plays wheelchair basketball and tries to do other sports to stay active and he was thrilled that I was excited to support him in it. He seemed happy with how our relationship was going and he was busy. By the end of March, we started to talk about eventually living together. It felt like things were serious...and it all felt like a relationship was going really well for me for a change.

During the second week of April, he disappeared on me. He went to bail a friend of his out of jail but didn't come back at all. After 48 hours, he messaged me and told me he spent all of his money he was saving for a basketball-related trip on drugs. Coke, I think. 24 hours after that, he came back. He walked up the stairs and looked like he was alright. Then he walked into my bedroom, ate like he was starving, and then slept for 12 hours straight. While he was sleeping, however, he was fidgety, itchy, complaining that his whole body was aching and he was talking to himself in his sleep...like full-blown conversations with someone. I had never seen someone high like that...ever. It scared me to the point that I called the Veteran's Crisis Hotline because I had no clue what to do for him. They helped me a lot in advising me of what to do for him then and when he woke up. I tried to talk to him about getting help but he refused and said, "I'm good...I'm good". And after a few days, he was back to his old self...the man he was before this relapse.

Two weeks past. Everything was good. At one point he had an urge to go get high again but he didn't. He said everything in him wanted to but he didn't. I took that to be a good thing and I asked if he needed to go talk to someone. He said, "no...I'm ok".

I know it's not my decision...it's his so I didn't ask again.

Last Wednesday, he disappeared on me again...to go get high. This time, however, he lied to me about it. Told me he was going to work for a bit to make some money (to drive for a ride-sharing company) and then he was going to come back to my place. Which he did. He walked up, checked to make sure I was sleeping, then turned around and asked my teenage son to borrow all of the money he earned working for my parents - about $60.00 because he lost one of his debit cards. He told him he was going to pay him back $80.00 with his next VA payment. My son, not knowing any better, gave it to him. My heart sank and I felt sick. He lied to me and he manipulated my kid for money. I called him at about 12:30 in the morning. He didn't sound like himself and he told me he was driving - which I knew was a lie because his earnings statement for driving (which they get when they sign off and quit working) was emailed to him 2 hours earlier.

He came back to my place the next afternoon. He knew I was pissed and he was begging for my forgiveness. I told him I'll forgive him when he pays back my kid and after we go to the VA for some help. He said, "ok...I know I need help". I walked into the kitchen for something (maybe 5 minutes) and by the time I came back to the bedroom, he'd fallen asleep.

This past Sunday was "Strike 3". We were out running errands. It was a pretty good day. Later on in the evening, he said he had to run and pay for his car but he'd be back. He came back 3 hours later. He laid down in bed with me and flat out told me he wanted to go get high right now because there was so much stuff going on in his head that he wasn't ready to talk to me about. I looked at him and said, "Have you lost your mind? You just got back from a bender and you're leaving again?!" He said he didn't walk to talk about it...he just wanted to go. He asked me several times if I wanted him to come back or if I wanted him to stay away. I said, "I want you to come back...but not high". He then said, "then I'll see you in a few days". I was in shock. With that, he got up, walked out, didn't look back, didn't say anything else. Didn't even say "I Love you". He chose drugs over our relationship. So, naturally, I'm heartbroken.

I didn't sleep that night. Instead I sent him a message that said;

"I love you. But right now I hate who you are. You've brought something into my life that I never thought I'd ever see. The man I fell in love with doesn't exist right now. He chose drugs over us. He put his own selfish needs ahead of our relationship. And what's worse...He has no remorse. This isn't about me. It's about your addiction. And you need help. More than what I can give you. I need you to leave until the end of May. That's 30 days. I really don't care where you go but you can't stay here. If, by then, you want to stay in this relationship with me, and build on what we started, where you're safe and loved and wanted...then we will go get help together...that is my only condition (help for his obvious reason, and help for me because I don't know what I'm doing and I don't want to enable him). If you decide to continue to use drugs and make things worse for yourself then you can do that without me. I'm done helping for a while. When you come back after this bender, get what you need and your meds and go...everything else will be safe here with me until you decide."

I haven't seen him or heard from him since he left - but it's only been a couple of days.

I've been told I said the right things. I'm detaching with love and I'm putting this on him and hoping he'll see if he doesn't change, he'll lose me along with everything else that's important to him.

This all started "all of a sudden" like something triggered it, but I don't know what. And I don't want to break up with him because I know the man I was falling in love with is in there somewhere. I just need a break

But I can't help but think if 30 days is too short of a time. I can't help but think he needs to stay away longer...until he falls on his face and hits "rock bottom".

In the meantime, I'm planning on attending some family NA meetings starting this weekend at a local church...just to prepare myself if/when he decides it's time to get help and I can support him (which is really what I want). If he chooses the other direction, I'll just be learning how to help without enabling if I ever find myself here again.

So, I'm choosing to support him when he's ready to get help, but I'm fully prepared to end the relationship otherwise. I've been single forever and I'm totally ok to be on my own. I'm more worried and afraid for him but not to the point where I want him my home, around my child while he's like this.

i'll just cut to the chase.

let him go. Since FEB he's left to go get high THREE times, that you know of. He lied when he said he had been clean for 3 years. he impulsively and stupidly spent all his money. he borrowed money from your TEENAGER for pete's sake to go buy drugs.

there is nothing good or redeemable to be seen here. you will get used and abused and end up wondering what in the hell happened. he's an addict in active addiction. and you and your precious son will be collateral damage. you'll have to trust me on this.

RUN. I mean it, RUN. He was almost certainly lying about being 3 years clean. RUN FAST. Even if he wasn't lying about 3 years, run. My AH was 8 years clean before his relapse this February and let me tell you, it takes a person down fast. He may or may not pull out of it this time and in the meantime, I have been through hell. You cannot help him. If I can't help my previously wonderful husband whom I shared a great relationship with, there is no way on this earth that you can help someone you just got involved with.

You've known this guy for two/three months and he's already dragged you through all this?

Hell to the no. Run. No discussion needed. Block him, change the locks and don't talk to him again.

Then figure out how you "fall in love" with someone in TWO (three?) months and practically (or is it actually) moved him into your house with your son - so this doesn't happen again. Nope nope nope.

Thank you. I go back and forth from sad to pissed off to not caring what happens to him at all.

Maybe he's been using me this whole time...I mean beyond the drugs. I don't even know.

He wasn't moved in. We were talking about it and he had a few things at my place...but not like he changed his address or anything.

I'm going to change the locks on my door tonight. Believe me, I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing but I know I don't need this crap.

Hi there,

So sorry for what your experiencing. I too, tried to help my AH who was an addict in active addiction. NEVER EVER TRY TO SAVE AN ADDICT. I shouldn't have, but I was too naive and knew little about drugs and addiction. He dragged me with him. He manipulated me, used me financially, lied about his relapse and ended up dead. You can't save him. RUN for the hills NOW. You can't do anything for him. He has to do the work. However he doesn't seem willing to. Don't let him hurt you and your son like my AH did. SAVE YOURSELF while you still can.

Hugs,
SoDev

He's a grown man. He can deal.

You owe him nothing. Yes, it's sad. You can't fix it, and it is definitely not worth even trying. You're probably like I am and you're sad about the loss of a possibility or sad about a Disney story in your head about love and forever.

If he's using drugs, you'll start finding things missing from your house and your wallet if you let him back in ever. He's told you who he is. He takes money from your kid and goes to use drugs.

As another who has been burned by a loved one using cocaine (I lost a 14 year marriage), I echo the advice to RUN and don't look back.

Coke is nothing to F around with. It's a horrible, horrible drug. Like the above poster said - if you let him back, you and your son will be collateral damage and will experience a living hell.

Forget the 30 days. He needs to be gone for good as of NOW.

The Devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes dressed as everything you've ever wished for.

Addicts are great at selling themselves in the beginning like most people, they put their best foot forward only they can't sustain that for very long . He held it together for as long as he could until he couldn't. I assure you he was using when you met him and all through out your short dating history.

The best thing you said so far was that you were going to change your locks.

Sadly, there is nothing you can do for him, no kind of support is going to change him and suddenly get him to stop using His addiction was there long before you came along and will probably remain long after you are gone.

Move on, you don't owe this guy a thing. You and your son do not need addiction entering your lives. The cost is more then either one of you can bare!!

JEEZ. Stay safe. Support to you.

Since nobody above mentioned it. If you’ve been sexually active, please get tested for STD’s. I would pack ALL his stuff up and mail it to him, that way he has no reason to keep coming around. He’s shown you exactly who he is and what his priorities are…believe him.

Don't beat yourself up about any of this. You didn't know what you were dealing with. Neither did I and I have a psychology degree. You don't understand until you're in the middle of it. It's absolute madness and it will drive you crazy if you try to engage with this man. There's nothing you can do but value yourself and be grateful that he fell apart this early and didn't get you sucked in further.

Hi, Jenna. Welcome. Sadly, addicts are really good manipulators.
For a while.
And they like having someone around to lean on.
I don't know why, but they do.
Good that you are moving fast away from this guy, becaus he sounds like really bad news.
Borrow money from your son? Thats just poor.
Peace.

Hello Jenna
I was so sorry to read what you're going through. Similarly to me, you find yourself in a situation you had (thankfully) no experience with. I lost a wonderful relationship to cocaine. It's evil, fast, progressive, destructive and detrimental, and there is nothing you can do. "Trying to support" is heartbreaking, exhausting, and doesn't work. It's not been long, keep your life and that of your son away from addiction, it will take over both of your lives and destroy your futures. Move on now while it's still early days. Your "pretty square" lifestyle sounds desirable, don't let addiction bulldoze over it. I allowed my "pretty square" lifestyle to be hijacked by cocaine, there was nothing I could do to stop it other than leave. I couldn't be more relieved I got myself out of it quickly and I am back to "pretty square". As my friend said to me "don't let the darkness of addiction take your light".

This is the absolute truth. Everything goes downhill faster than you could ever have imagined and you lose that person in every possible way. They lose themselves. At a certain point, there is no one left to stay for.

Thank you. The locks have been changed. I can't explain how or why I fell in love with him so fast. I just did and it was before any of this started. I feel bad enough as it is...more like a fool. Thanks.

You're not a fool at all. It's great to be able to fall in love, we all fell in love at some point! How were you to know what you were dealing with? Next time, you'll know so much more about red flags. You did the right thing by coming here so early to find out more.
Sending you so many hugs and lots of love

Don't beat yourself up about it. You're no fool.
You saw the writing on the wall, sought advice, and took action. That takes juevos. A lot of women fall into that kind of hole and never crawl out. I think you likely dodged a situation that could have a negative impact on the rest of your son's life.

I don't think you're a fool either, but there are so many bad things that can happen when we don't take the time to know someone before jumping in with both feet.

Ask me how I know. I used to do the same thing, and it nearly always blew up in my face. Now I don't even let them hold my hand or kiss me good night. I pay my own way. I drive or I meet them wherever in my own car. I don't have them inside my house and I don't go to theirs. No one has made it past my probationary period in many years.

That has weeded out a lot of frogs, let me tell you. They trip themselves up within a month usually. Anyone who is pushing for things to go faster than I want sends my spidey senses tingling. If it's not a criminal history, personality disorder or an unhealthy ex-relationship, it's an addiction (porn, sex, gambling, alcohol, illegal or prescription drugs, pot, internet, work, shopping, hoarding, there's a lot that can go wrong.) I don't want guns in my life, or a crazy ex or a crazy family.

On the flip side, I've seen enough that I doubt anyone will make it over the wall I've built. It's a pretty high one.