Seeing my pain makes him want to use more?
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Seeing my pain makes him want to use more?
Just need a reality check from you experienced people here. My AH and I were talking last night and he said that he doesn't remember me smiling much lately and seeing my sadness makes it harder for him to abstain. He feels guilt and then wants to use and make it go away.
I mean...yeah, I'm depressed...my formerly sweet husband is an active crack addict. I can't say that I've been a ball of positivity the past two months. I don't know what one would expect me to be. I haven't been mean and I've given him words of support and encouragement, but I certainly haven't been filled with joy at the changes in my life. I've been lied to and neglected. I've been losing my husband. If that were easy, it wouldn't speak much for what our relationship had been. I'm not a sociopath, after all.
How much excuse-making BS is this and how much possible truth is there in it?
I mean...yeah, I'm depressed...my formerly sweet husband is an active crack addict. I can't say that I've been a ball of positivity the past two months. I don't know what one would expect me to be. I haven't been mean and I've given him words of support and encouragement, but I certainly haven't been filled with joy at the changes in my life. I've been lied to and neglected. I've been losing my husband. If that were easy, it wouldn't speak much for what our relationship had been. I'm not a sociopath, after all.
How much excuse-making BS is this and how much possible truth is there in it?
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I would say that it is likely the truth in my opinion. Anytime an addict has to FEEL they want to use. Now, he is seeing the affects of his using on someone else.
Thing is, there is not a thing you can do with this. Focus on you, and your side of the street. Addicts have to learn to cope with regular life without using, and you cannot do that for him.
Hugs.
Thing is, there is not a thing you can do with this. Focus on you, and your side of the street. Addicts have to learn to cope with regular life without using, and you cannot do that for him.
Hugs.
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Just need a reality check from you experienced people here. My AH and I were talking last night and he said that he doesn't remember me smiling much lately and seeing my sadness makes it harder for him to abstain. He feels guilt and then wants to use and make it go away.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
I would say that it is likely the truth in my opinion. Anytime an addict has to FEEL they want to use. Now, he is seeing the affects of his using on someone else.
Thing is, there is not a thing you can do with this. Focus on you, and your side of the street. Addicts have to learn to cope with regular life without using, and you cannot do that for him.
Hugs.
Thing is, there is not a thing you can do with this. Focus on you, and your side of the street. Addicts have to learn to cope with regular life without using, and you cannot do that for him.
Hugs.
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Yes, that is just it. Life is full of feelings and struggles. Seasons change, people die, people make you mad, sad, frustrated. All on a daily basis. If you need to use to deal with all of that, it's a cycle that never stops. I saw this with my X. Anything would trigger him, and eventually I realized that I could not protect him from all of those triggers, although I ran myself ragged trying. It's a merry go round you have to get off of or you lose your own sanity.
Originally Posted by Deelilah
So even if I became Mary Poppins overnight he'd still find some other sad thing to make him want to use? Thanks for your feedback!
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yeah i gotta call 1000% BS on that!
the APPROPRIATE response when we see that what we are selfishly doing is HARMING someone we love is to STOP.
however when we are in active addiction and have no INTENTION of stopping is to use any and all EXCUSES to keep using.
the APPROPRIATE response when we see that what we are selfishly doing is HARMING someone we love is to STOP.
however when we are in active addiction and have no INTENTION of stopping is to use any and all EXCUSES to keep using.
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Originally Posted by atalose
Another one right out of the playbook…………he’s putting his recovery or relapse on you. Making what he does or does not do your fault. If you place yourself in the position of “supporting him” and he fails then its somehow going to be because you didn’t X, Y or Z and once again he doesn’t have to own his actions. And if you leave him in order to keep your own sanity and save yourself so to speak and he continues doing crack, well, then its your fault, right? Either way he's setting the stage for you to take the fall while he walks away wiping his hands clean of his own recovery or continued crack use.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
yeah i gotta call 1000% BS on that!
the APPROPRIATE response when we see that what we are selfishly doing is HARMING someone we love is to STOP.
however when we are in active addiction and have no INTENTION of stopping is to use any and all EXCUSES to keep using.
the APPROPRIATE response when we see that what we are selfishly doing is HARMING someone we love is to STOP.
however when we are in active addiction and have no INTENTION of stopping is to use any and all EXCUSES to keep using.
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Well said Aries!!!!
Thing is, does it matter WHY?? If every single person on these forums would all do the same thing, we would all be a lot more healthy.
STOP LISTENING TO WHAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. It's actions over the course of a long period of time. Block out all the other words, and there you have it.
The why of it all does not matter, just what actions are actually happening.
Hugs.
Thing is, does it matter WHY?? If every single person on these forums would all do the same thing, we would all be a lot more healthy.
STOP LISTENING TO WHAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. It's actions over the course of a long period of time. Block out all the other words, and there you have it.
The why of it all does not matter, just what actions are actually happening.
Hugs.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
So...you're supposed to be happy go lucky and delightful while your husband commits suicide in slow motion?
And if you're not...it's YOUR fault?????!!!!
No, sweets. Really, really no.
And if you're not...it's YOUR fault?????!!!!
No, sweets. Really, really no.
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I heard the same thing.
"You're always so unhappy, I have to get out and distract myself".
So, I left him. Moved out. Didn't speak to him, didn't see him.
He continued to use. "I need to distract myself from the shock of the end of the relationship".
So he used because I was there, and then he used because I wasn't. Hm.
Hugs and support to you. It isn't your fault or doing.
"You're always so unhappy, I have to get out and distract myself".
So, I left him. Moved out. Didn't speak to him, didn't see him.
He continued to use. "I need to distract myself from the shock of the end of the relationship".
So he used because I was there, and then he used because I wasn't. Hm.
Hugs and support to you. It isn't your fault or doing.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Well said Aries!!!!
Thing is, does it matter WHY?? If every single person on these forums would all do the same thing, we would all be a lot more healthy.
STOP LISTENING TO WHAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. It's actions over the course of a long period of time. Block out all the other words, and there you have it.
The why of it all does not matter, just what actions are actually happening.
Hugs.
Thing is, does it matter WHY?? If every single person on these forums would all do the same thing, we would all be a lot more healthy.
STOP LISTENING TO WHAT COMES OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS. It's actions over the course of a long period of time. Block out all the other words, and there you have it.
The why of it all does not matter, just what actions are actually happening.
Hugs.
And why do I worry about it anyway? I expect him to use again and I will leave as I was already planning to do two days ago. Hell, I'm still planning. I'm lining things up so that I can pull the trigger when he gets "triggered" again. The ONLY reason he's still here and I'm still here is that I can use a little time to get the ball rolling and be in a better place financially. In the meantime, if he actually sought help, I could reconsider. But I'm still very much intending to leave because I don't believe he wants recovery. I just don't have an off switch substance like he does, so I have to feel all of this. Which tells me more and more that leaving is my only course back towards sanity.
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did me some thinking.....and i don't recall once EVER smoking crack BECAUSE of some external event. i used cuz the crack monster SAID SO. period. what was going on around me was pretty much irrelevant. i used IN SPITE of what else was happening.
it wasn't like with alcohol, where after a big day, bad day, good day you'd say - damn i need a drink. i remember being AT work, midday, and suddenly my tummy went ooky......then hank called and said "we had a visitor" meaning the dope man had just been by. you have never seen someone move so fast - i'd fly out of my office with some lame excuse, and beat all land/speed records to get home and get my hands on the pipe.
if anything guilt would creep in as it went from late night to early morning, and the stupid hangover birds would start chirping and it would be like, crap, we gotta stop this so we can lie down for an hour before getting up for work.
until you see him TAKE ACTION, swift demonstrable action to face this head on, i fear it's just not going to end well.
it wasn't like with alcohol, where after a big day, bad day, good day you'd say - damn i need a drink. i remember being AT work, midday, and suddenly my tummy went ooky......then hank called and said "we had a visitor" meaning the dope man had just been by. you have never seen someone move so fast - i'd fly out of my office with some lame excuse, and beat all land/speed records to get home and get my hands on the pipe.
if anything guilt would creep in as it went from late night to early morning, and the stupid hangover birds would start chirping and it would be like, crap, we gotta stop this so we can lie down for an hour before getting up for work.
until you see him TAKE ACTION, swift demonstrable action to face this head on, i fear it's just not going to end well.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
did me some thinking.....and i don't recall once EVER smoking crack BECAUSE of some external event. i used cuz the crack monster SAID SO. period. what was going on around me was pretty much irrelevant. i used IN SPITE of what else was happening.
it wasn't like with alcohol, where after a big day, bad day, good day you'd say - damn i need a drink. i remember being AT work, midday, and suddenly my tummy went ooky......then hank called and said "we had a visitor" meaning the dope man had just been by. you have never seen someone move so fast - i'd fly out of my office with some lame excuse, and beat all land/speed records to get home and get my hands on the pipe.
if anything guilt would creep in as it went from late night to early morning, and the stupid hangover birds would start chirping and it would be like, crap, we gotta stop this so we can lie down for an hour before getting up for work.
until you see him TAKE ACTION, swift demonstrable action to face this head on, i fear it's just not going to end well.
it wasn't like with alcohol, where after a big day, bad day, good day you'd say - damn i need a drink. i remember being AT work, midday, and suddenly my tummy went ooky......then hank called and said "we had a visitor" meaning the dope man had just been by. you have never seen someone move so fast - i'd fly out of my office with some lame excuse, and beat all land/speed records to get home and get my hands on the pipe.
if anything guilt would creep in as it went from late night to early morning, and the stupid hangover birds would start chirping and it would be like, crap, we gotta stop this so we can lie down for an hour before getting up for work.
until you see him TAKE ACTION, swift demonstrable action to face this head on, i fear it's just not going to end well.
Been downhill from there, obviously. I am 99.999% sure this isn't going to end well.
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It is quite hard not to listen to your heart. Your heart wants him to be well. Your heart still feels love and wishes things were different. Your head sees clearly what is happening. We have all been there and I certainly don't mean to minimize your struggle with this because dang, it's hard!
Hugs to you. Keep doing what you are doing, get yourself and your life in order.
Hugs to you. Keep doing what you are doing, get yourself and your life in order.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
It is quite hard not to listen to your heart. Your heart wants him to be well. Your heart still feels love and wishes things were different. Your head sees clearly what is happening. We have all been there and I certainly don't mean to minimize your struggle with this because dang, it's hard!
Hugs to you. Keep doing what you are doing, get yourself and your life in order.
Hugs to you. Keep doing what you are doing, get yourself and your life in order.
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Good for you! There are some people who have almost crippling fear of being alone. For myself, I was in it for so long, and it was so hard, that it's a relief to be alone and do my own thing.
There is a grief process in this similar to when you lose the life of someone you love. Just remember to give yourself really good self care, and allow yourself to go through those processes.
Keep posting, it will help, you are not alone!
There is a grief process in this similar to when you lose the life of someone you love. Just remember to give yourself really good self care, and allow yourself to go through those processes.
Keep posting, it will help, you are not alone!
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Yeah, that rings true, now that I really think about it. When he used again after a month, it was after 4 days of actual happiness and laughter between us. Things were the best they had been since his relapse and I was hopeful. We were almost in a honeymoon stage, both supposedly so happy that we hadn't lost one another during all that.
Been downhill from there, obviously. I am 99.999% sure this isn't going to end well.
Been downhill from there, obviously. I am 99.999% sure this isn't going to end well.
My ex could demonstrate normal healthy talk and behaviors for a short period of time, just long enough for me to buy into it and return back to the scene of the crime only to have it happen all over again. He got used to it, even counted on it!! And you are right, it usually never ends well.
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