TiredDad

This my first post. I have been here reading for quite a while. Trying to make sense of the chaos from the past 7 years.
My AW left us Feb 16 when I confronted her with her meth stash I found in the house. I begged her to go to rehab and she chose to leave.
The lies, cheating and stealing became over the top.
She tried out patient in Oct which included family therapy. Things felt so different. That held for about 6 weeks and things went down hill fast from there.
To the point I had to replace Christmas presents she said someone stole from her.
I trusted to soon.
I made it clear in our sessions of therapy that I had to set a date to stop riding the roller coaster. I prayed very hard and set a year from when she left. As hard as it was I filed for divorce in Feb 17.
She got very angry when I filed, bringing up vows and me giving up on her.
Within the past month she said she's had a doc appointment to make sure she's healthy after her drug use. She tries to tell me she doing recovery her way with na. I don't see signs of recovery. She continues to lie even to the point of saying she wants her family back yet is dating another man and trying to hide it from me and her family.
We have 2 wonderful kids. 16y daughter and almost 6y son. The counslor says my daughter is very strong and mentally health with all this. She has a strong boundary of her mom completing an inpatient program before she even thinks about giving her another chance.
My son, I can only tell him mom has been very sick and loves him very much.
This has all been so very over whelming to understand. Coming here reading has been very helpful.
I kept wanting to believe my addict would fight for us. Reading some of the replies here helps me understand she can't do it for us and won't. My addict isn't the person I married. She loved me and the kids her addiction took her. I don't know that that person will ever return.
How do you fight the desire to reach out. How do you fight your heart and head. I know I can't trust her in anyway. My mind reminds me every day. When does your heart catch up with you head?

Maudcat

Welcome, Tired. Very sorry for what brings you here.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Time heals. One day you wake up and realize that you have joy in your life again.
Take care of the kids.

SimplyFree

Hi Tired,
Yes addictions are a thief and I'm sorry it has stolen the woman you married. I'm sorry for your family. You have to do what's good for your kids and for your own mental health. I don't know that your heart will ever completely get over that kind of heart break, however, eventually those wounds heal into sensitive scars. I won't share my story, but I understand theives that steal the one we married. Stay strong, crying is helpful even for guys, and don't get trapped by any addictions that medicate your heart. That's what I did and why I'm here. Deal with the mourning process up front as painful as it is to do. Blessings and prayers.

TiredDad

Thank you maudcat and simplyfree . I work hard to keep up everyday. The kiddos are my first priority. I have been getting better about not letting her addiction get so much of my attention with me trying to understand why. I finally started to see I was allowing it most of my spare time. As much as I wanted to understand. I want our kids to be happy and healthy.
I want to be also.

CanadianRose

I am so sorry. I'm losing my husband to crack. I can relate to them not being who you married. All I know to do for now is to mourn that man who would have been mortified at the thought of hurting me like this. It changes them so quickly and completely. It is the worst thing that I have ever been through in my life, and I've been through some stuff.

TiredDad

Deelilah it does change them so very quickly. In one of my AW's attempts at sobriety she was very adamant that if she relapsed that she didn't want the kids and I to live that way. That I was to do what I needed to do in order to protect the kids and myself from it. It took me longer to heed that advice than it should have.
We had been together 18 years, the last 6 to 7 in the ups and downs of addiction. Each relapse seemed to take her further away. Each time I wanted so much to believe she wouldn't do that again.
This last time I learned. I read as much as I could. I saw a counslor. I learned that no matter what my heart says I have to trust my mind. No physical signs of recovery means no recovery in my world. That's where I have to live for myself and the kids.

CanadianRose

My husband told me the exact same thing, that I should leave him if he ever relapsed because he didn't want me to go through what his ex wife did. I don't know if he even remembers saying that now. I am so so sorry that you're going through this.

TiredDad

Deelilah I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I read you thread, I find it almost strange how simular so many of the stories are.
I have respect for you seeking guidance and help in this early on. I should have. I think being a guy I believed we could fix things. I understand more now it was never mine to fix.
I believe you are taking a road I should have early on in seeking info from people that know addiction and being addicted.

I'm thankful for this site. I didn't interact until now but I have been reading and absorbing what others have offered in support for some time.

CanadianRose

It is downright creepy to read your own story over and over, isn't it? It seems like the pain we're feeling is so catastrophic and the situation is so insane that it must be a rare thing, and then you read all of this stuff and realize that so so many people have been in the same exact situations. It's almost textbook. You can predict what's going to happen in your own life by looking at what others have been through. Your story is one that has helped me. I can see that no matter how wonderful you are or how loving you are, you've been through this for years. It helps me know that I would be going through this for years if I don't hit the eject button. It hurts, it takes away a lot of hope, but it's such very helpful knowledge too.

Don't beat yourself up about not seeking guidance earlier. I don't know how any of us are coherent enough to seek help, lol. It's a miracle we aren't all in padded rooms somewhere.

hopeful4

It's important to listen to your head, not your heart. There is nothing more heartbreaking to see what an addict does to their children. I am so sorry for you and your kids.

They all do the same thing. When things truly start to fall apart, in that there are no other options to manipulate their way out, they say they will get help. Well, I can only tell you to look at her actions over the course of a very long time.

Do you know the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. The best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior.

I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. Hugs to you and your kids.

TiredDad

Deelilah,
I think at a point the padded room would have been code for vacation. Lol
I had a lot of ups and down dealing with my AW'S addiction. The manipulation was the hardest for me. I didn't want to believe I was just being used by the person that said they loved me.
This site, lots of reading and some counseling has helped me greatly.
I look at it more now that I allowed myself to stay in the loop. I didn't set a strong boundary for me and the kids early on.
When I did, oh boy

TiredDad

Thank you hopeful4
I love that quote. I have a copy saved on my phone.
I ran the hamster wheel a long time. Coming here has given a much better understanding of what I should have been looking for in recovery. Also that I should have been active in my own recovery.
I am learning and getting stronger every day. I still question the strange text sometimes but I don't allow myself to get pulled rite back in as I once did.

CanadianRose

I know, right?? LOL, I can relate to that thought! We should have rehabs too! Padded room would be fine, just give me a pillow and a blanket and some peace!