dating addict in recovery
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dating addict in recovery
Hi everyone.
One month ago I've met someone I am falling so bad for.
We have a lot in common -retro/vintage, old cars, 50s-60s music, tattoos and piercing... He is smart and very very kind....
On our first day he said he is an addict in recovery for 10 years (clean for 10 years)... I did not react. I have started to research and I'm honestly here because I just dont know how to behave with him: how not to hurt him? should I ask him? should I trust him? he seems to be very caring and very honest person...
He said he relapsed once only 10 years ago... since then never again. He is not smoking, barely drinking (for whole entire month we had maybe once a drink out together), employed...
I just dont know if I have to trust him...
I sound crazy maybe... but i was hurt billion times in life.. and he is totally a man of my dreams (yeah I know his past)... Is there anything I can do to be more supportive to him?
One month ago I've met someone I am falling so bad for.
We have a lot in common -retro/vintage, old cars, 50s-60s music, tattoos and piercing... He is smart and very very kind....
On our first day he said he is an addict in recovery for 10 years (clean for 10 years)... I did not react. I have started to research and I'm honestly here because I just dont know how to behave with him: how not to hurt him? should I ask him? should I trust him? he seems to be very caring and very honest person...
He said he relapsed once only 10 years ago... since then never again. He is not smoking, barely drinking (for whole entire month we had maybe once a drink out together), employed...
I just dont know if I have to trust him...
I sound crazy maybe... but i was hurt billion times in life.. and he is totally a man of my dreams (yeah I know his past)... Is there anything I can do to be more supportive to him?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Baby. Steps.
Little tiny baby steps. I say don't trust anyone fully for quite some time. It's like a job interview, right? It's all Best Behavior in the beginning. When he lets you know who he is, pay attention. Other than that, it's anyone's guess as to what the future holds with any person - addict or not.
Careful.
Little tiny baby steps. I say don't trust anyone fully for quite some time. It's like a job interview, right? It's all Best Behavior in the beginning. When he lets you know who he is, pay attention. Other than that, it's anyone's guess as to what the future holds with any person - addict or not.
Careful.
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Originally Posted by biminiblue 
Other than that, it's anyone's guess as to what the future holds with any person - addict or not.
Careful.
Careful.
also, I have another question... he is very shy to smile.. I mean he smiles, but without showing his teeth... I have noticed that he has really big problems with the front teeth.. its a drug abuse effect, right?
I mean it doesnt bother me - as he is overall handsome and good looking man and so far great personality...
on other hand - he told his parents about me, I met his close friend (who never was addict) and I think its a good sign...
however I dont know if I should tell my parents about him? I mean they know that I am seeing someone, but dont know details...
Gooosh I'm 32 yo woman and like a baby
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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In my opinion I would treat this like you would any other new relationships. 10 years is a very long time to be clean. My husband has had 11 years now. It IS possible, and I do think its a great sign that he was open and honest from the beginning with you about this.
In any new relationship (prior active addict or not), you need to proceed with caution...just keep your eyes and ears open, and see where things go.
There are no guarantees with anything/anyone..........but 10 years is a lot different than 6 mos, 1 year or 2 years......
PS: on the teeth front......my teeth were absolutely terrible from the time I was young, and I never got addicted to drugs, lol
I never smiled until I had extensive work done....
In any new relationship (prior active addict or not), you need to proceed with caution...just keep your eyes and ears open, and see where things go.
There are no guarantees with anything/anyone..........but 10 years is a lot different than 6 mos, 1 year or 2 years......
PS: on the teeth front......my teeth were absolutely terrible from the time I was young, and I never got addicted to drugs, lol
I never smiled until I had extensive work done.... Member
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The teeth thing...teeth can be fixed. I would be super self-conscious if my teeth were messed up, too. It kind of isn't that great of a sign if he doesn't care enough about himself to take care of his front teeth, though. Don't you think?
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
The teeth thing...teeth can be fixed. I would be super self-conscious if my teeth were messed up, too. It kind of isn't that great of a sign if he doesn't care enough about himself to take care of his front teeth, though. Don't you think?
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
It kind of isn't that great of a sign if he doesn't care enough about himself to take care of his front teeth, though. Don't you think?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
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I certainly do not want to be the Grinch that stole the “new relationship” but you did say he was a recovering addict with 10 years clean and then you also said that he’s barely “drinking”.
Alcohol is a drug and in the rooms of recovery, they are taught that a drug is a drug is a drug.
So I see that as a red flag for him.
And I see a red flag for you that it’s only been a month and you are falling fast and hard calling him the man of your dreams and you don’t even really know him yet. It takes time to truly get to know someone because everyone puts on their best face in the beginning. His past history can become your present day nightmare with just one bad decision on his part.
I’d start pumping the brakes a little and allow lots more time in getting to know him. It’s only been a month, no need to rush meeting families, heck you hardly even know each other yet so why include extended family.
Learn to date, learn to let go if it doesn’t work out then maybe you won’t continue to be hurt a billion and one times.
Alcohol is a drug and in the rooms of recovery, they are taught that a drug is a drug is a drug.
So I see that as a red flag for him.
And I see a red flag for you that it’s only been a month and you are falling fast and hard calling him the man of your dreams and you don’t even really know him yet. It takes time to truly get to know someone because everyone puts on their best face in the beginning. His past history can become your present day nightmare with just one bad decision on his part.
I’d start pumping the brakes a little and allow lots more time in getting to know him. It’s only been a month, no need to rush meeting families, heck you hardly even know each other yet so why include extended family.
Learn to date, learn to let go if it doesn’t work out then maybe you won’t continue to be hurt a billion and one times.
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hi, kush. Welcome. As others have said, proceed with caution. No rush here, right?
Agree, kinda, with the teeth thing. They do marvelous work with dentistry now. As someone who has spent a ton of money on dental work, I am super aware of people's smiles.
Could probably tell you, to the penny, how much a fix would cost.
Sad, isn't it?
Peace and good luck.
Agree, kinda, with the teeth thing. They do marvelous work with dentistry now. As someone who has spent a ton of money on dental work, I am super aware of people's smiles.
Could probably tell you, to the penny, how much a fix would cost.
Sad, isn't it?
Peace and good luck.
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Originally Posted by Maudcat
hi, kush. Welcome. As others have said, proceed with caution. No rush here, right?
Agree, kinda, with the teeth thing. They do marvelous work with dentistry now. As someone who has spent a ton of money on dental work, I am super aware of people's smiles.
Could probably tell you, to the penny, how much a fix would cost.
Sad, isn't it?
Peace and good luck.
Agree, kinda, with the teeth thing. They do marvelous work with dentistry now. As someone who has spent a ton of money on dental work, I am super aware of people's smiles.
Could probably tell you, to the penny, how much a fix would cost.
Sad, isn't it?
Peace and good luck.
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Originally Posted by Whitewingeddove
Not sure many people realize it, but this kind of work can run into the tens of thousands of dollars that many of us just don't have at a younger age. It was only 3 years ago that I was able to have my work done. Please don't judge 
I am not able to fix my own teeth here as well as its extremely expensive... However I do take care of them too... BUT dental professional help is different from daily hygiene. You are right....
Thanks!
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Originally Posted by atalose
I certainly do not want to be the Grinch that stole the “new relationship” but you did say he was a recovering addict with 10 years clean and then you also said that he’s barely “drinking”.
Alcohol is a drug and in the rooms of recovery, they are taught that a drug is a drug is a drug.
So I see that as a red flag for him.
And I see a red flag for you that it’s only been a month and you are falling fast and hard calling him the man of your dreams and you don’t even really know him yet. It takes time to truly get to know someone because everyone puts on their best face in the beginning. His past history can become your present day nightmare with just one bad decision on his part.
I’d start pumping the brakes a little and allow lots more time in getting to know him. It’s only been a month, no need to rush meeting families, heck you hardly even know each other yet so why include extended family.
Learn to date, learn to let go if it doesn’t work out then maybe you won’t continue to be hurt a billion and one times.
Alcohol is a drug and in the rooms of recovery, they are taught that a drug is a drug is a drug.
So I see that as a red flag for him.
And I see a red flag for you that it’s only been a month and you are falling fast and hard calling him the man of your dreams and you don’t even really know him yet. It takes time to truly get to know someone because everyone puts on their best face in the beginning. His past history can become your present day nightmare with just one bad decision on his part.
I’d start pumping the brakes a little and allow lots more time in getting to know him. It’s only been a month, no need to rush meeting families, heck you hardly even know each other yet so why include extended family.
Learn to date, learn to let go if it doesn’t work out then maybe you won’t continue to be hurt a billion and one times.
however I just dont want to fall in love (I can I know my romantic soul) and be hurt. Therefore I am here - reading, studying and asking for opinions.
Thanks a lot for your advice
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WWD, I think none of us can know what the deal is with his teeth. I think if the two of them haven't discussed it yet, then it's good that she hears from both my perspective and yours. Drug teeth are generally rotted throughout the mouth, not just the front. Poor genetics is different, but there are fixes for both. Yes it's expensive. That is also a consideration in a new relationship, though. Money and personal healthcare are no small issues in a relationship. Adults need to think of how that affects them. She was asking. It's just life issues that need to be addressed.
I've been in a relationship with a man who wouldn't spend the money on his teeth, but he would buy expensive clothes and weird vitamin supplements, and he wouldn't look for dental insurance. Dental insurance is a great investment if there are significant issues. It doesn't have to be someone's lot in life to have poor dental health. That was a problem for me.
I've been in a relationship with a man who wouldn't spend the money on his teeth, but he would buy expensive clothes and weird vitamin supplements, and he wouldn't look for dental insurance. Dental insurance is a great investment if there are significant issues. It doesn't have to be someone's lot in life to have poor dental health. That was a problem for me.
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Atalose - you might be the "Grinch", but I'll play devil's advocate
My husbands DOC was crack cocaine. When he got clean, he was repeatedly told he could NOT drink, not a drop. Because the alcohol would lead to relapse. He argued with his group and counselors in rehab that he was NOT an alcoholic. He never smoked crack and drank at the same time. Alcohol was not a trigger for him. I encouraged him to obstain from drinking when he was going through 15 weeks of IOP. If nothing else, to prove a point. That he could stick with the program. He did.
that being said, he still drinks alcohol. We aren't typically drinking at home, but do on occasion. we go out socially at least once per week and do drink.
I DO believe that for some people it can most definitely be a trigger. I think it depends WHY you are drinking. Are you drinking alcohol to compensate for the absence of drugs? Guess I just don't think that it is that cut and dry for everyone. In my husband's case, he's in a band. His counselors told him he absolutely positively should NOT be playing in the bars anymore, because it would lead him to relapse. In my husband's case, his music IS his DOC now....It's his escape........his "high".
So, IMHO someone who drinks alcohol MAY or MAY not be a red flag. My point is I don't think it should be a definitive show stopper....
My husbands DOC was crack cocaine. When he got clean, he was repeatedly told he could NOT drink, not a drop. Because the alcohol would lead to relapse. He argued with his group and counselors in rehab that he was NOT an alcoholic. He never smoked crack and drank at the same time. Alcohol was not a trigger for him. I encouraged him to obstain from drinking when he was going through 15 weeks of IOP. If nothing else, to prove a point. That he could stick with the program. He did.
that being said, he still drinks alcohol. We aren't typically drinking at home, but do on occasion. we go out socially at least once per week and do drink.
I DO believe that for some people it can most definitely be a trigger. I think it depends WHY you are drinking. Are you drinking alcohol to compensate for the absence of drugs? Guess I just don't think that it is that cut and dry for everyone. In my husband's case, he's in a band. His counselors told him he absolutely positively should NOT be playing in the bars anymore, because it would lead him to relapse. In my husband's case, his music IS his DOC now....It's his escape........his "high".
So, IMHO someone who drinks alcohol MAY or MAY not be a red flag. My point is I don't think it should be a definitive show stopper....
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Originally Posted by Whitewingeddove
So, IMHO someone who drinks alcohol MAY or MAY not be a red flag. My point is I don't think it should be a definitive show stopper....
He is not smoking anything at all, nor I can consider 1 beer is drinking... well, yes, I am inexperienced and I dont know if a man who was on drugs before can drink or not - it was never mentioned and I dont know much yet.
BUT yeah, anyway I will be cautious. Because we still trying to get to know each other. Regardless that he was showing himself very responsible, I still have to be awake.
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so, ya met a man 30 days ago and are falling so bad for him already.
just my opinion, but it seems THAT is an issue that should be looked at.
30 days is rather quick to be falling for someone. and could be why
but i was hurt billion times in life.
just my opinion, but it seems THAT is an issue that should be looked at.
30 days is rather quick to be falling for someone. and could be why
but i was hurt billion times in life.
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Sorry. I think I got sidetracked by teeth.
My point: there is no rush here. Everyone is on best best behavior at first. Add mutual attraction and things can move pretty fast.
I hope it turns out to be a great thing, kush.
We all deserve to be happy.
Peace.
My point: there is no rush here. Everyone is on best best behavior at first. Add mutual attraction and things can move pretty fast.
I hope it turns out to be a great thing, kush.
We all deserve to be happy.
Peace.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hello-
Proceed with caution
Teeth are not a red flag IMO (seems like discussion got sidetracked there for a while), drinking alcohol for an addict might be....you will never know until you really start getting to know him.
Matbe reflect on the fact that you are falling so hard for him so fast
I hope it turns out to be a good thing
Proceed with caution
Teeth are not a red flag IMO (seems like discussion got sidetracked there for a while), drinking alcohol for an addict might be....you will never know until you really start getting to know him.
Matbe reflect on the fact that you are falling so hard for him so fast
I hope it turns out to be a good thing
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