Feeling so lost

Old 04-25-2017, 09:08 AM
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Feeling so lost

I am so confused by my AH! He NEVER addresses anytime I am feeling hurt, even if I explain to him that I am and why. He pretends it doesn't exist (my feelings) and starts channel surfing or falls asleep! He acts like NOTHING is wrong! Latest example...I got my hair done, something kinda drastic, but nice and for 2 weeks he didn't say ANYTHING! It's not about "the hair," but just that he didn't notice me. I finally brought it up and asked if he was mad at me and that's why he didn't say anything..? He denied being mad and said I ALWAYS think the worst. It was late and he said "can we talk about it tomorrow?" Well the next day came and he doesn't say ANYTHING! So i bring it up that we didn't talk. He then tells me that I ALWAYS look for the worst in the situation, or I always think the worst! I asked him why we didn't talk, because he did ask if we could discuss it the next day..and his response was "I have a million things on my mind and I need reminders." He needs me to remind him that we fought the night before and that we agreed we'd talk about it the next day?! He needs reminders to talk to me about us?! That REALLY makes me feel invisible to him, which he declares that I am not invisible to him! WTH??!! And then he tells me HE doest talk to me because HE has to walk on eggshells around me, because HE has to rebuild trust! Im confused! I call him out on his BS lies and get mad at him for them, but he feels he has to walk on eggshells!?! Should I not call him on his BS so he can feel cosy and safe and not walk on eggshells?!? Feeling really lost and confused. Feeling like everything was turned around on me and that I was WRONG to have feelings.
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PhoenixJ (04-25-2017)
Old 04-25-2017, 09:24 AM
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Walking on eggshells is the worst. I spent YEARS waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. It was awful. To be honest, he sounds like a very selfish, self centered person.

So, maybe you need to make a list of the behaviors you deserve( love, respect, kindness, a PARTNER), and the behaviors you see, and see if those equate. If not, what do you want to do about it. I can tell you now you cannot change his behavior.

Hugs to you. You are not wrong to have feelings!
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Old 04-25-2017, 09:50 AM
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Not your fault what he does- we are all responsible for ourselves. Do you go to al-anon for support. Empathy and support to you. PJ
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hopeful4 (04-25-2017)
Old 04-25-2017, 10:48 AM
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This is exactly what my XAH used to do, and looking back I'm pretty sure a lot of it had to do with him being irritable from withdrawals. And then when he was high he didn't want to talk because, hello! Talk about buzzkill. Not saying this is what's going on with your H, of course. Just what I went through.

Walking on eggshells is just no way to live. I'm with someone new now and it's amazing how different things are. The other day we had a squabble, but put it behind us... sort of. It was still nagging at me, so i called him the next day. History told me not to do this- just let it go. It's never good to reopen a can of worms! But I couldn't help it. I called him and told him it was still bothering me. He said:

"Listen, I'm gonna make myself a cup of coffee."

In my mind, this was his way of saying, "I'm getting off the phone now. I don't want to deal with you."

But what followed was:

"Would you like me to bring you over a cup?"

I told him no thanks. He said he was sorry that he hurt my feelings and that was never his intention. And then 15 minutes later? He freaking showed up at my house, even though I told him I didn't need him to, because he knew I really did want him to and he CARED how I felt.

It was mind-boggling! I'd gotten so used to my ex just giving me the bare minimum and acting like that was more than I deserved.

YOU deserve more, too.
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Old 04-25-2017, 12:00 PM
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you've been with SR for 8 years now. that's a long time to be trying to crawl up a greased rock.

your AH has been pretty consistent.....lying selfish addict. perhaps it's time to quit EXPECTING him to behave any differently. to accept that this IS who he IS, this IS what he does, and he's not going to change.

if you adjust your attitude and expectations, what would that change FOR YOU?
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