Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 6440968)
He said last night that he originally relapsed because of depression and that crack isn't really the biggest problem. ermagad. well then if that is the case then stopping the crack shouldn't be a problem at all! easy peasy lemon squeezy! it's probably time to stop engaging in these discussions with him. if he spouts this crap AND there's an audience, even one that doesn't agree with his, um, rationale, then it helps to validate his messed up thinking. denial is a very powerful force. hope you are doing ok. |
He's having a hard time finding somewhere that will take him, he says. Getting frustrated and I think he's giving up. Well, that tells me what I need to know, doesn't it? |
To play devils advocate, the detox part of rehab is dependent on bed status and if they have a bed available. Given the drug epidemic happening right now in our country the beds can be very limited. But on the other hand, given his current status and excuses he’s been arriving at maybe he’s just not ready yet. Rehab is just one tool in the recovery tool box, if he really wanted to get clean he’d be sitting in NA or AA meetings, checking into out-patient while waiting for a bed to become available, doing something to show he’s moving in the right direction instead of just spinning his wheels in the sand. |
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 6441167)
To play devils advocate, the detox part of rehab is dependent on bed status and if they have a bed available. Given the drug epidemic happening right now in our country the beds can be very limited. But on the other hand, given his current status and excuses he’s been arriving at maybe he’s just not ready yet. Rehab is just one tool in the recovery tool box, if he really wanted to get clean he’d be sitting in NA or AA meetings, checking into out-patient while waiting for a bed to become available, doing something to show he’s moving in the right direction instead of just spinning his wheels in the sand. |
I've become a Nancy Drew of addictive substances as well. It is amazing how clever I can be tracking stuff down. Most of the time it is to prove to myself I'm not crazy, but I also feel I "need" to know so I know how to act. One Saturday morning I was up at 7 and hadn't heard him leave (usually the garage door wakes me up). By 9 he was slurring. At this point I don't know if that's just the way he speaks, alcohol, or the meds from rehab he continues to take. If I know how much he's drank and how much he has left I can often predict what will happen and prepare myself. I relax if I see he's drank enough he will pass out soon, but I "need" to know if there is enough left to start over again when he wakes up (I used to pour some out or water it down in desperation). If he has drank it all and it's late enough, I know he likely not go out for more so that feeling in my stomach settles. If there will be a round two, I just pretend to be asleep. Twisted way to use knowledge as power. Sad thing is I'm doing this completely sober. I don't think it has so much to do with mental fortitude as it is just a form of self preservation. If something continously causes you harm, it is natural to try to stop it or atleast brace yourself for impact. I told him one night a couple weeks ago I just needed an evening of peace to watch a Hallmark movie and didn't want to have the same arguments we always have. His response was to say said I don't handle stress well and need to work on that. This coming from a man who once got so drunk he could barely stand because some one cut in front of him in line at the convience store. Reading your situation through your eyes is horrifying, yet familiar. I feel immense empathy for those who have lost loved ones to addiction, but I'm really starting to wonder if that could be any worse than living with a monster in their skin. It sounds like you are moving forward. Please keep us posted. |
If he is worried about depression as well, he should look for a dual diagnosis facility, which would help him with both. It would also keep his BS about crack not being a problem to a minimum. Yes, it's hard to find the right place. If he really wants it, he will find it. |
Originally Posted by Txbuttercup
(Post 6441229)
I've become a Nancy Drew of addictive substances as well. It is amazing how clever I can be tracking stuff down. Most of the time it is to prove to myself I'm not crazy, but I also feel I "need" to know so I know how to act. One Saturday morning I was up at 7 and hadn't heard him leave (usually the garage door wakes me up). By 9 he was slurring. At this point I don't know if that's just the way he speaks, alcohol, or the meds from rehab he continues to take. If I know how much he's drank and how much he has left I can often predict what will happen and prepare myself. I relax if I see he's drank enough he will pass out soon, but I "need" to know if there is enough left to start over again when he wakes up (I used to pour some out or water it down in desperation). If he has drank it all and it's late enough, I know he likely not go out for more so that feeling in my stomach settles. If there will be a round two, I just pretend to be asleep. Twisted way to use knowledge as power. Sad thing is I'm doing this completely sober. I don't think it has so much to do with mental fortitude as it is just a form of self preservation. If something continously causes you harm, it is natural to try to stop it or atleast brace yourself for impact. I told him one night a couple weeks ago I just needed an evening of peace to watch a Hallmark movie and didn't want to have the same arguments we always have. His response was to say said I don't handle stress well and need to work on that. This coming from a man who once got so drunk he could barely stand because some one cut in front of him in line at the convience store. Reading your situation through your eyes is horrifying, yet familiar. I feel immense empathy for those who have lost loved ones to addiction, but I'm really starting to wonder if that could be any worse than living with a monster in their skin. It sounds like you are moving forward. Please keep us posted. Yeah, I snooped to try and convince myself that I wasn't crazy too. It doesn't take long in this world of addiction to start questioning everything, does it? |
Originally Posted by hopeful4
(Post 6441279)
If he is worried about depression as well, he should look for a dual diagnosis facility, which would help him with both. It would also keep his BS about crack not being a problem to a minimum. Yes, it's hard to find the right place. If he really wants it, he will find it. |
snooping
Originally Posted by Deelilah
(Post 6428502)
So my problem is that suddenly I have become a person who checks phone records online, checks to see if his keys are in the room instead of his pockets, searches his truck to look for paraphernalia, constantly assesses his behavior, obsess about what I'll do when he uses again, etc. I WAS NOT LIKE THIS before. This is NOT ME. Do you turn into a codependent person naturally in this situation? I mean, how do you love a spouse so much and not go utterly and completely insane in this situation? |
I know what you mean. It has gotten to where I can tell when he is going to use before he succumbed. There is never a question when he is actually using. The snooping showed me how bad the financial part really was, and that was scary enough. I do need that knowledge though, so I don't know if that was bad snooping or not. Either way, I'm done snooping. He'll do it or he won't and I'll know. |
Originally Posted by Deelilah
(Post 6441365)
The snooping showed me how bad the financial part really was, and that was scary enough. I do need that knowledge though, so I don't know if that was bad snooping or not. |
He's got a rehab. Thank goodness. I hope it helps. |
I think it's a good thing you found out about the financial part. You need to know that for your own sake but snooping for evidence of him using is pointless. Like you said, You know and you are able to tell when he actually is using. My AH hid his addiction and when he was using in a fantastic way, even though he was spiraling towards his death. I never found any evidence of him using- no residue, no phone calls, texts etc. We never moved in together after we married ( he died before that) and keeping me at a distance gave him a chance to hide it all so well. But my point is that I couldn't have changed anything by snooping. I couldn't have changed anything by doing anything. Neither can you. It's up to him to do that. His acts will show how serious he's about quitting versus not quitting. Wait and see and don't listen to what he says. Look into his actions. Very wise words I've heard on this board so many times and they are so true. Hang in there |
how are YOU today, Dee? |
Originally Posted by Sodevastated
(Post 6441555)
I think it's a good thing you found out about the financial part. You need to know that for your own sake but snooping for evidence of him using is pointless. Like you said, You know and you are able to tell when he actually is using. My AH hid his addiction and when he was using in a fantastic way, even though he was spiraling towards his death. I never found any evidence of him using- no residue, no phone calls, texts etc. We never moved in together after we married ( he died before that) and keeping me at a distance gave him a chance to hide it all so well. But my point is that I couldn't have changed anything by snooping. I couldn't have changed anything by doing anything. Neither can you. It's up to him to do that. His acts will show how serious he's about quitting versus not quitting. Wait and see and don't listen to what he says. Look into his actions. Very wise words I've heard on this board so many times and they are so true. Hang in there |
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 6442668)
how are YOU today, Dee? |
I caution you to let him do his own thing while he is there. I took every phone call, was on the phone constantly when my XAH was in rehab. Now, I realize I should have had no contact and been working on the support I needed when he was there. Hugs. |
don't be surprised if he has "one last blast" - that's very common for addicts, wanting to say "goodbye". and don't be surprised if he somehow fails to go. you have done a VERY good job of staying out of it to the best of your ability. couple more days. hang in there. |
Originally Posted by hopeful4
(Post 6444121)
I caution you to let him do his own thing while he is there. I took every phone call, was on the phone constantly when my XAH was in rehab. Now, I realize I should have had no contact and been working on the support I needed when he was there. Hugs. |
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 6444189)
don't be surprised if he has "one last blast" - that's very common for addicts, wanting to say "goodbye". and don't be surprised if he somehow fails to go. you have done a VERY good job of staying out of it to the best of your ability. couple more days. hang in there. I am at the point that he's going to go one way or another. He might not go to rehab, but that one last blast and not going is an absolute breakup-level act. He knows where I stand right now. He goes to rehab or he just goes away. |
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