Need help with Enabling in laws
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Need help with Enabling in laws
Hi, I recently discovered my husband is an addict. He has been to rehab twice in the past two years and is finally 1 year sober! He has been doing so great and we now have a new baby.
He has a brother who is currently using and abusing drugs and alcohol. He has also went to rehab and sober living but somehow manipulated his way out early from both. He thinks he can "drink beer but not liquor" and be ok. He has constantly shown violent behavior when under the influence and I do not want my baby around him without me or my husband present. He has dropped pills and pill bottles on the floor on multiple occassions and my in laws do nothing about it. They just say "well it wont happen again" and I am thinking to myself "Why is that? what did you do the previous times to make him act differently?" They fund his drug habit and don't care that he downs liquor in front of them.
I know he is not my problem, but hes my problem when he is around my kids. My in laws get mad and say "we would never harm our grandbabies by letting him hold them" and then I walk in and see him holding them. They just dont get it and dont think he is a harm to them. They know hes an alcoholic and drug addict, but do nothing to help him. They just say "it's bad and it's going to be even worse when he hits rock bottom"--- so why would I want my kids to be there when he does? He becomes violent and very destructive (he is 6'4, 300 lbs). Anyways, this is just parts of it and I need help on how to handle this. My husband doesnt want him around our kids either, but he is a mommas boy and wont do anything. It is causing problems in our marriage.
I have even stopped letting my kids go to my in laws because they cant respect our wishes about letting the drug addict hold and walk around with my baby. My in laws hate me and now think I am the problem.
Any advice?
He has a brother who is currently using and abusing drugs and alcohol. He has also went to rehab and sober living but somehow manipulated his way out early from both. He thinks he can "drink beer but not liquor" and be ok. He has constantly shown violent behavior when under the influence and I do not want my baby around him without me or my husband present. He has dropped pills and pill bottles on the floor on multiple occassions and my in laws do nothing about it. They just say "well it wont happen again" and I am thinking to myself "Why is that? what did you do the previous times to make him act differently?" They fund his drug habit and don't care that he downs liquor in front of them.
I know he is not my problem, but hes my problem when he is around my kids. My in laws get mad and say "we would never harm our grandbabies by letting him hold them" and then I walk in and see him holding them. They just dont get it and dont think he is a harm to them. They know hes an alcoholic and drug addict, but do nothing to help him. They just say "it's bad and it's going to be even worse when he hits rock bottom"--- so why would I want my kids to be there when he does? He becomes violent and very destructive (he is 6'4, 300 lbs). Anyways, this is just parts of it and I need help on how to handle this. My husband doesnt want him around our kids either, but he is a mommas boy and wont do anything. It is causing problems in our marriage.
I have even stopped letting my kids go to my in laws because they cant respect our wishes about letting the drug addict hold and walk around with my baby. My in laws hate me and now think I am the problem.
Any advice?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, crazylife. Welcome. What is the best thing for the kids? If you are concerned that they may be harmed at your in laws, then I would avoid the in laws' home.
It would be good if you and your husband could present a united front, but doesn't sound as though he will do that.
The in laws are going to blame everyone but the addict, so I wouldn't lose sleep over their being mad at you.
It would be good if you and your husband could present a united front, but doesn't sound as though he will do that.
The in laws are going to blame everyone but the addict, so I wouldn't lose sleep over their being mad at you.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
You can't control your in-laws in their home and they won't control their home from the addict..........so that leaves having your children only spend time with their grandparents in your home. You and your husband should present a united front on this issue to his parents. Put this into their hands by saying you want your children to have a relationship with them but given the present situation in their home, you both agree that all visits will be in your home only.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
i commend you for putting your child's safety above ALL ELSE. even pissed off in-laws. hopefully your husband grows a set and becomes his own man and not his mama's little boy anymore. i absolutely support your stand.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. I'll skip my usual greeting and cut to the chase.
You do not need permission from anyone when it comes to protecting your baby. If you and your RAH do not wish to have your brother-in-law around your baby, that is your right. Your in-laws have no say in this.
And if your in-laws want to continue to enable their son, that's not your problem, either. That's their problem, and they should own it.
You do not need permission from anyone when it comes to protecting your baby. If you and your RAH do not wish to have your brother-in-law around your baby, that is your right. Your in-laws have no say in this.
And if your in-laws want to continue to enable their son, that's not your problem, either. That's their problem, and they should own it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you all! I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being too harsh (I can be at times). They don't see his drug use and alcohol abuse as an issue like me. I have resorted to only letting them see my babies in my house. However, they are so mad at me, they wont even come over when I am there. she said "How dare you call my son a drug addict in my own home?!"... um, he's been to rehab and admitted he has a problem, so I am just stating the facts haha
I am going to hold my ground on this one!
I am going to hold my ground on this one!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
However, they are so mad at me, they wont even come over when I am there.
Be great full for the less time you need to spend with them. They have issues, issues that you are never going to break through and the more time you do have to spend with them the more those issues will seep into your life.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
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So, my brother in law proved me right 
He tested positive for cocaine and weed 2 weeks ago. My in laws insisted he will not be around the family anymore unless he passes a drug test. That lasted all of 3 days.
We attended an event last night, and sure enough... he showed up. I would not have gone and taken my sons if I knew he was there, his family still does not understand that i DO NOT WANT HIM AROUND MY KIDS. He even disappeared for a while during the event and came back hammered drunk... no one did anything.
I know he is not my problem, but he is my problem when he puts my kids in harms way. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THEM REALIZE THAT HE IS ON A DOWNWARD SPIRAL? I'm seriously about to lose my damn mind
He tested positive for cocaine and weed 2 weeks ago. My in laws insisted he will not be around the family anymore unless he passes a drug test. That lasted all of 3 days.
We attended an event last night, and sure enough... he showed up. I would not have gone and taken my sons if I knew he was there, his family still does not understand that i DO NOT WANT HIM AROUND MY KIDS. He even disappeared for a while during the event and came back hammered drunk... no one did anything.
I know he is not my problem, but he is my problem when he puts my kids in harms way. WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THEM REALIZE THAT HE IS ON A DOWNWARD SPIRAL? I'm seriously about to lose my damn mind
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hmmm. Well, short of asking, "will chucklehead bil be there?" Before every event, there isn't a lot you can do to prevent his presence.
Maybe give the family events a pass for a while.
But I wouldn't force this. You know where the family stands, and where you stand.
Be firm in your belief, and act accordingly, with as little drama as possible because, believe me, that never helps.
His parents do not see that he is on a downward spiral. Your telling them will alienate them even further.
Sometimes things just have to go where they will.
Take care of the kids, try to get your spouse on board, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want to go there. Family dysfunction runs wide and deep.
Maybe give the family events a pass for a while.
But I wouldn't force this. You know where the family stands, and where you stand.
Be firm in your belief, and act accordingly, with as little drama as possible because, believe me, that never helps.
His parents do not see that he is on a downward spiral. Your telling them will alienate them even further.
Sometimes things just have to go where they will.
Take care of the kids, try to get your spouse on board, but don't be surprised if he doesn't want to go there. Family dysfunction runs wide and deep.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE THEM REALIZE THAT HE IS ON A DOWNWARD SPIRAL
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
Trust me, they will see that it's a downward spiral firsthand, soon enough. The problem is progressive and will get worse and worse if he does nothing. He will probably end up in jail, especially if they start cutting him off here and there.
I don't know if it's so dire that all family events should be avoided or stressed about just because he may be there, unless he goes all crazy at these regularly. My uncle was also an addict and would occasionally show up to events or be at my parent's house. At first, I felt upset about it, but I was cautious and kept my guard up. I made sure to keep an eye on my son, just as I would if we were alone and it turned out to be fine. My uncle acted pretty normal other than falling asleep or looking high, but he treated my son normally- joked with him and smiled with him. He died recently, but I feel like I would have let my son keep being around him UNDER MY SUPERVISION, until something gave me a reason not to because, as a kid, growing up and seeing how drugs affect other family members so negatively opens lots of people's eyes and helps them to know to stay the hell away from that stuff. I felt like it'd be good for my kid to grow up knowing how bad things were for my uncle and how he hurt the people that loved him with his drug use and such.
Try not to let yourself be too mad at the in-laws, they are in denial about their problems and love their children, too. They just don't understand how to handle this stuff, it seems most people don't react perfectly. You should talk to your husband about them demonizing you and let him see how much it hurts you and stresses you out so that he will take up the responsibility, that is his, to talk to HIS family. With his experience on the subject he has a good opportunity to fix this. He could tell them he knows, personally, of the awful things addiction entails, maybe share some personal stories to open their eyes. He could also tell them "This isn't my wife's fault please stop showing her resentment. We love and care about our child dearly and have made a joint decision that we will not allow him/her to be put in harm's way spending time alone with someone that drops pill bottles my child could get a hold of and DIE from. And you have betrayed our wishes after WE TRUSTED YOU so WE cannot trust you to follow our wishes anymore." He isn't mamma's boy anymore, he is your MAN and should be protecting you from receiving the blow back from decisions HE helped you make. He is your child's father/leader/protector and can't be a leader if he is cow-towing to his own mother- A cowering child isn't a good parent.
I don't know if it's so dire that all family events should be avoided or stressed about just because he may be there, unless he goes all crazy at these regularly. My uncle was also an addict and would occasionally show up to events or be at my parent's house. At first, I felt upset about it, but I was cautious and kept my guard up. I made sure to keep an eye on my son, just as I would if we were alone and it turned out to be fine. My uncle acted pretty normal other than falling asleep or looking high, but he treated my son normally- joked with him and smiled with him. He died recently, but I feel like I would have let my son keep being around him UNDER MY SUPERVISION, until something gave me a reason not to because, as a kid, growing up and seeing how drugs affect other family members so negatively opens lots of people's eyes and helps them to know to stay the hell away from that stuff. I felt like it'd be good for my kid to grow up knowing how bad things were for my uncle and how he hurt the people that loved him with his drug use and such.
Try not to let yourself be too mad at the in-laws, they are in denial about their problems and love their children, too. They just don't understand how to handle this stuff, it seems most people don't react perfectly. You should talk to your husband about them demonizing you and let him see how much it hurts you and stresses you out so that he will take up the responsibility, that is his, to talk to HIS family. With his experience on the subject he has a good opportunity to fix this. He could tell them he knows, personally, of the awful things addiction entails, maybe share some personal stories to open their eyes. He could also tell them "This isn't my wife's fault please stop showing her resentment. We love and care about our child dearly and have made a joint decision that we will not allow him/her to be put in harm's way spending time alone with someone that drops pill bottles my child could get a hold of and DIE from. And you have betrayed our wishes after WE TRUSTED YOU so WE cannot trust you to follow our wishes anymore." He isn't mamma's boy anymore, he is your MAN and should be protecting you from receiving the blow back from decisions HE helped you make. He is your child's father/leader/protector and can't be a leader if he is cow-towing to his own mother- A cowering child isn't a good parent.
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