johnnie360

Hi I have been reading so much on here and I am glad I found this place.

Here's my problem. My (Sort of) AGF is addicted to heroin for 6 months and meth for at least a few years this time. We have been together for most of this.

Obviously I am Co dependent or counter dependent . Our situation is a bit different though.

You see, many of my issues I am having over this hell are my own insecurities.

Other than her neglect during her drug seeking and using, she is was very good to me. Very good. Very caring, dutiful, doting, kind, loyal. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on inside and out. But she is a junky. That right there is a very tough pill to swallow. We had a 10 year old step daughter and we were all living together.

She took care of the house, decorated, cooked. But then would dissapear down to the garage, and come to bed at 4am to make love and pass out. Or she would be drug seeking and be gone for hours. I always thought she was cheating when she was out. I felt incredibly neglected. By the time the secret came out I began treating her very poorly. I was terrible to her. And she would cry and beg and plead for me to treat her well because she loved me so much.

She put up with it mainly because she is an addict. I always threatened to kick her out of our home, and never took her on dates, and never even tried to help her with this problem because i felt like she should help herself.

Instead of supporting her, I pretty much tore her down because of her neglect. She use to beg me to take her out on a date and show her I care. But I just didn't.

I finally kicked her out after I got fed up with her drug seeking, Its hard to get your heroin here. It sometimes takes hours.

Back to my insecurity. I use to look for evidence of infidelity, but i could never find any. I was convinced she was lying about certain things. But everytime I broke down and checked on her, she was always doing what she said she was. She likes to do her drugs by herself. She is not a party girl, and her associations with people are mainly to get her drugs. Again, I treated her very poorly. I need help for my issues.

I felt like why did she bring this into my life. If she was going to be a tweeker fine. But why be with someone who does not do drugs?? She replied because this is just a hard time in my life as she had gone through hell prior, and we have the rest of our lives together and this is not forever. I never bought it. I was jealous of the drug, but did nothing a man should in any way when he has a woman he loves.

She is so smart, wise, supportive, and in tune with life. Except she is an addict. If I was a bit of a different person without my own issues I am sure I would have done different. You see I did lots of drugs when I was younger. I did meth pretty solid for a few years. But one day I decided I was done and just stopped. Thats what I didnt get. Why cant she just stop? I was mad all the time over the neglect as I desire intimacy in the evenings. Her daughter looks to me as I am her father. Her own dad is fishing most of the year in Alaska. I love her like my own.

My spouses sister also played a role in this. You see my spouse is not a hardened street rat. She wanted to have the middle class life and just do her drugs in peace. Her sister however had just lost her husband, was addicted to heroin, committed crime, been to prison, dealt drugs, was just scum. She was providing my spouse all her drugs. My spouse would have to be at the sisters beck and call, and my spouse felt it was her duty to try and protect her sister from getting herself in more trouble.

My spouse hurt her knee very very badly. She also had a bad infected cavity. She is on state medical, so the only help is a dentist that takes two weeks and does not provide pain pills. So my spouse had to wait in agony over the tooth, and was too ahsamed to go to the doctor due to her meth use to treat the knee injury. Let me remind you that I put my head in the sand and didnt want to see the meth use. So anyways she stupidly treated her pain by smoking heroin and of course she became addicted. Of course.

Now let me remind you again. She also has obvious mental illness she masks with the drug use. At night I would wake up wishing she was in bed with me, but she would be down in the garage. At first she use to go out at night, but I expressed how bad it hurt me and she began just staying in the garage. When she would leave she would go park places and get high and zone out on her phone.

To be honest she is pretty unfunctional. BUT she has great potential. I know this. So anyways at night I'd wake up. I would try my best to go down and touch her and be like "babe, come to bed." and she would, sometimes she would lag further, but she would. But a cycle began of me just going down angry thing=king if she really wanted to be around me she would do it on her own. So I would lash out at her, and of course I did not get the results I wanted.

I pretty much did everything to make her not want me. But she steadfast stood in the firm belief that I was a good man, and I would figure it out. She was not using me. She just used drugs. Its been very hard on me.

So we fast forward to about two months ago. I finally got fed up and booted her out. You see her sister finally went to jail, and now my spouse had to learn the harsh reality of the drug life. The scummy people. Since she is an addict she had to expand her network to get her drugs. I hated it and kicked her out. I took her daughter to her grandmas house and then I got a retstraining order, packed her stuff and left her in the streets. She ended up at an empty house her family owned and really went head first into her addiction. This whole time begging and pleading that she loves me and please dont destroy our family. That her daughter would suffer from this. All these things are true. When we would argue (mainly me starting it) I would always defend my actions based on her addiction.

Shortly after kicking her out, she began to not respond to my contact. The swarm of vultures set in, and most of her stuff was stolen. She was ripped off. List goes on. She began selling and trading the rest of her things, loaning her car out for drugs. I am certain through all of this there was no cheating. Its the one fear I have, and its the one thing of all things I believe to be true. But its still hard to swallow. You see many times when spouses cheat its for reasons due to whats going on in the relationship. I gave her every reason to cheat, but she remained true to me the whole time.

So after I kicked my beautiful drug addicted spouse out, I broke down and finally shined the light on my own issues. Co dependancy, or counter, pushing love away, low emotional control, lashing out when feeling threatended, abandonment issues ect. Things is she did in many ways abandon me because I have certain needs. If anything I bred an enviroment on my end for her to go to drugs. She could not talk to me about it out of fear. She felt I looked at her like a lowlife junky (Which I did). So these issues finally came to light. After outcasting the woman I love more than any other ever, I realised what she was sayaing the whole time. I did not water my own lawn. Becuase in spite of her being an addict she loved me. She never stole. She never asked me for money. Of course she is a manipulator and after the heroin, became a liar.

But we are dealing with my issues here. I have been in counseling for awhile. Trying to get better. I started going to alanon. Redeciated my life to my HP.

But I have been living in such darkness I lost all my friends and became housebound. I found no pleasure in anything. The only time I felt at peace was when she was in my arms. Its clear here I have my own issues.

So anyways, I decided to try and help her. She came back to get off the meth first. Of course I know she needs rehab and a recovery program. But she needs to get to that place first. I cant control her recovery. Even though I know what she needs, she has to do it her way. So she got off the meth. But still the heroin. It was a great test of my patience to be patient while she sought her drugs. But for the first time in our relationship I stopped blaming her for everything. I stopped thinkng that if she was clean everything would be okay. When she would lash out at me about the damage I caused (It was huge) I most of the time didnt argue back. And if I started to, I backed off. But as time went on, I desired honesty. I knew she had relapsed on meth a few times, but she wouldnt tell me for whatever reason. Trust has not been established.

Okay as I type this I see we are very toxic. This is bad. I have pretty much no hope. Ive seen her get sick for as long as she can. I know she is trying. I know that its a beast to battle. I know I have not made it easier. She goes back to that house when she is sick so that she doesnt lash out at me. I mean come on, that says something. But I have tended to her a few times now as she pushes to detox. She is trying. I understand that she will do meth here and there for right now. It hurts but i try to swallow it because I know it helps when she cant get her heroin. I also understand that until she realizes that she needs help, she may relapse here and there. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere. She no longer denies heroin. She pushed herself two days yesterday. I found her at that empty house the other night and she was really sick. She looked awful. She came home and rested, then couldnt hack it, used, then called me at 1am and begged me to come get her at the house and bring her home. I did, of course because i want her to be well. She then was sick all day, emotionally broke down then left. I went to the house to check on her, we got into a fight and she cried and screamed at me for the things I have done, and I left. She then of course used. She lies, because that is what junkies do. It hurts to no end. I had hope. That we could both work our own recoveries and that we could make this work. I still do. kind of. Im ready to move forward with self care. I want to not be addicted to her addiction. I want to learn how to be in this for the time being but detach. I feel like the better I do, hopefully the better she will strive for. I go between seeing her try. Not controlling how she does it. Letting her figure it out, to having no hope. That she will fully succumb and this will be forever.

I cant control outcomes. But damnit she means the world to me. I honestly have no fear about what will happen to her if I leave. Of course I am worried about her finding someone else. BUT that is only due to the idea that we have such love for each other, but are each battling our own demons. We have potential to be great. I know I could find someone else no problem. But she is what I want. I get it, when she is off drugs her personality may shift. But its what is in her heart I desire. Without my issues, and with out her addiction, we surely could both be a great force for good for each other. There is lots and lots of love between us. Unsafe for us both, but still there. I could get someone else who is more stable and in line with what I need from a spouse. But damnit, I want it to be her. I am with this woman (sort of) because I love HER. She is an addict though.

The thought of being away from her and leaving fills me with pain. Awful awful pain. Sometimes more pain than staying. I know that we need to look at things as they are and not how we want them to be, but right now I have a bit of hope still. Thinking of us both becoming well and not being together feels like a damn life travesty. Although she is an addict she is exactly what I have always desired. So beautiful inside out. Caring for other people. She will see a homeless person and bring them food, a tent, and sleeping bag. That kind of heart. To help and serve others. But she is an addict. Sometimes I think she uses me. Which she does as its the nature of the beast. But at the same time when my school loans were behind she gave me the last 200 she had so I could get my school books a few weeks ago. Then she got sick until she could get some cash. I mean to me, that says alot.

She has every reason to fear my ****, as I have to fear her replpse if she ever gets truly clean.

This is why I have a shred of hope. I admit finding this site completely ripped my ideals to shreds, but I still have a bit of hope. Of course we talk sometimes about our feelings, But right now its very hard. Its intense. Its hard to talk about her recovery because there is still no safe place of trust between us, but I have been addiment to her that I just want honesty from her as this time around I have accepted as much as I can that she is an addict. But its hard as I dont yet have the skills to deal. So we may get into a fight and I tell her to leave, which of course she does. Then I pine away for a day or two, thinking the worst, but then I check and she is doing exactly as she says. She is not putting up with my stuff anymore.

She of course was high today when I saw her. i suspect she used meth again too. But she did not lie to me. She came out and told me. i did not press the issue, only relished in the fact there was open honesty. I still think she will continue to try to detox, and if it doesnt work will explore the next option. Maybe she wont.

But I can say through her struggle she has been good to me as sick as it sounds. In fact, like I said most of the issues i have aside from drugs robbing her away, and her wasting her life and me allowing it to consume me, she has been good. I dont know if she will overcome and its getting harder and harder. But I cant rush her. Next week I may try to encourage her to give it a good shot. Encourage her to take the remedies we will put together. I just would like to see her detox so she has the actual choice to change or go back into it without the sickness and a semi clear head.

But the idea of splitting kills me. Even though staying in it as it is kills me. And losing her and what I know she can be really makes my guts turn and makes me very sad, and lonely. I could be with someone else as she could. We are both good people who are attractive. But Damn it, She is who I want. I know that we cant be together at all if we both dont change. Everyone says that their addict is unique, but mine is in many ways. I have described some of those ways. But she also is an addict with typical addict behavior. The lying. But I also realised that her life is at this time drug seeking. No matter what she is telling me she is doing it revolves around drugs. Time lost, not getting stuff done, ect. I decided that if I ask her no truths I will get no lies. I desire honesty from her, but that is not where she is fully at. If she does meth I just wish she would be honest, but she knows how much I hate it. She is in fear I would get mad, which at this point, what angers me is the lying.

I have begun to change my outlook and decided that relapse at this early stage comes with the territory. Wow I must be sick. She must be sick to put up with me. I am the only person she has in her life that is not an addict. Her family does not care. She is a grown woman and makes her own choices. I get it. I am considering moving out of this small town. I found a place in the city. In fact I pay a deposit on it in a few days. I decided that I will kick my can down the road as she does her addiction for one more month. She has expressed (dont they all) that she needs to stop this, but i have seen some progress. I know that she needs recovery, but that is her choice to make. But unless she was lying the other day when I told her it was for sure I was going, she admitted finally she needs to get clean and leave also as to stay away from the people.

These are things I have always known. But in order for her to accept it, these things have to be "her" idea. She has always felt I have come from a place of judgement and not love. Maybe she is right, but that is something I also am working on. I noticed that if I dont shove these ideas down her throat she comes to them (I hope) on her own terms.

When I was out in the city and found my place, I knew it would be good for me, but then that sinking feeling of leaving the woman I love so much behind really crushed my soul. Im praying that we can work our own recoveries and be together. I see other woman checking me out, but they are not her, which to some may seem like a good thing, but she has intertwined with my soul. She is in there. I love her like no other. And she loves me too. We are both just battling our own demons.

I still hope that we can work our own recoveries seperate but together and go to couples counseling, our own therapy and come out the other end of this stronger than ever. But I ahve lots of work to do, and that heroin is a beast. Thats whats so discouraging. Of all the things...HEROIN.

So I begin the work on me, self care. Making friends, detachment with love, learing how to for now be with my addict but not let it consume me until it changes or its time to go. That time to go is coming soon. Its tough. Sometimes I feel like she says what I want to hear in order to get me off her back. Nature of the beast I guess. Either she is or she isn't. I also believe that my treatment of her, taking her house away, and moving all her stuff has hardened her to where she can walk away if needed. Maybe not super easy, but for sure easier than before. Maybe thats a good thing, maybe not a good thing, She still has enough worth to see that I have issues.

I hope that in the time being seeing me actually care about me, which she has always encouraged and getting my own life and making good personal choices will rub off on her. For sure in the end, I will be a better person. This will only help me finally get as well as I can be. I am excited for that. But I still hold out hope against hope that we can be the success story. To me it will be fantastic to come into my own true potential, but at the same time such a loss if it doesnt end up being us together. As I have professed over and over I love this woman for who she is as a person. All those great qualities. Her heart, her smarts, her kindness, her soft femininity. Her outer beauty. She is gorgeous. Even at her worst and lowest she still remains the the most beautiful woman in this world to me. In fact this is the first time I have seen my mate as such. everytime I see an attractive woman, my heart and thoughts go to my spouse. I love her to this day as much as i always have. It has never dulled, never dimmed. Even through her addiction, my actions, and everything I put us through. We have a love that can be rekindled over and over again. That is what makes this so heartbreaking. If it was anyone else I would bolt. As she would I am sure. I dont think there is another woman in this world I would even fight for. But I am fighting very late in the game. After the damage I caused has already been done.

Maybe someone can understand where I am coming from. I battle the hurt over her addiction, but also the hurt over how I treated her about it.

I am dedicated to change for myself though. Its just so very hard to swallow the pill that this is going to be over soon. I have read the posts here. So many of them. And I know what i am up against. I am up against all odds. I am playing a game that I likely can't win. But if I endure a bit longer and recover and be a better person... If I can endure this wont most other things be much easier? I'm not the guy that will waste ten more years on this. And if I don't change neither will she. She could leave me completely and do her drugs in peace as I dont make it very fun and easy for her here. I drug her through the mud. I hurt her. That is very true.

The remorse and pain I feel over it is so great you would not believe. The fact that she lost her child for at least 6 months to the step mom is hard on her. But it was for the best. But "our" daughter deserves better from us both, and for a time its best to work on us so we or she can be good parents. I am trying to express to her that we can rebuild all the loss. I sold off most of the things in the house which upset her. But it was a rash choice, that still may prove to be right. And thinsg could just not go on like they were. I can imagine sitting with kiddo while mom is lost in her dope world (she still is) and going downstairs and getting mad at her and arguing. Nothing would have gotten better, and we would not be right where we are at. Its time for me to become my best. I hope she follows suit. She is trying. Little by little. I think.

So any advice?

Ann

Johnnie, I am sorry for the pain that brought you here but hope you learn something by reading around. Toxic relationships like yours can mean self-destruction for both of you if you don't find the courage to find help for yourself.

You can't love her into recovery, if love had that power not one of us would be there.

Many of us found our balance by attending meetings of Al-anon, Nar-anon, CoDA, or other church organizations or counseling. You may want to try this and see what helps you most.

Whatever path you choose for your future..and you do have choices...please do not involve your step daughter who is safe with her grandmother right now. Children are the innocent victims and need protection and a safe place to live.

johnnie360

Hi Ann,

Thank you. My step daughter is now with her dad and step mom for 6 months while my Spouse? gets herself together. Its not out loud information that she is an addict, but its for the best for now. It gives time for my spouse to hopefully get the help she needs.

I have been of course the primary car provider for her for quite awhile. I love that kid, and we have a great relationship. She is where she needs to be right now.

As far as my help is concerned I am going to Celebrate Recovery and Alanon. I am going to figure out which of those I feel is a better fit. I also will continue to see my counselor here, and switch to a new one at the time of my move.

I have alot of enabling behaviors to deal with, plus my own anger issues, and co dependency.

I of course do not really hold out any expectations of reconciliation. Sadly the heroin has taken my spouse to a place where she is not really herself anymore. Its sad to see her get angry, make poor choices, lie, manipulate, and use. But I am kind of thinking that this really goes along with the addiction. She was much better 6 months ago, and those behaviors were not present so glaringly then.

We live in a small town where I do not have any sort of a support system. I do not have any friends, and even the support groups are next to nothing. Pretty much just focus on my school. I have been housebound other than going to the gym. I really need a change of scenery. I am moving to a highly populated city near my family and sort of doing a restart to my life. I feel like I will find the support I need there, and make some friends and breath a bit.

Its extremely hard to be in this small town knowing what my spouse is doing. It kills me. But just this afternoon, she admitted relapse. As I stated, she has been sort of weening off the stuff, and pushing herself to be as sick as she can.

My older kids are here visiting for spring break from where I am moving. So even though she wanted to detox, its not a good scene here right now to do that. She said next week. She is trying to make herself some money to be set for the weekend and not have to leave the house. They always say these things I guess.

But we will have more money next week, and we will try to do this as best as possible I hope and see how it goes. But we got into a bit of an argument as I had to say no to a request she had. Its sad to see that kind of decline. It makes you feel used. But I rest in the idea that she is most likely needing drugs and again all this comes with the territory. This si not the behavior that I am used to as it is only been very recent in the past month or so. I have been watching and listening and taking good account of her behavior and am learning quite a bit.

I don't honestly think we as a couple are going to make it. It saddens me greatly, but there is no way that we can make it while she is an active addict and I am dealing with my issues.

As dark as the days ahead seem, as anxious as I am about moving somewhere completely new, I know its the right thing. I know that its time to move my life forward. Its where my family is. I know that i can make friends, find support, and get well. I am facing lonliness, but I have the feeling it will be a different kind then I feel here. Its like a dark void here where I am at.

It will be hard, but also nice to get some distance from this. It will hopefully get me out of my comfort zone. I hope that there is a life out there that will bring me joy. I am miserable here for a variety of reasons. But the loss of this relationship its really killing me. Like I said its a small town. I am looking forward to exploring and finding new interests and passions.

I flip flop constantly over here. The pain is always the same. But most of the time I feel like she is just using me now. But at the same time, We still argue because I cant make my mind up, and my fears take over. Its like battling two realities. I believe and I don't believe. Its hard to know what they are really thinking. Sometimes you think they are telling the truth about what they want and how they feel, but sometimes you feel like they are on demand liars.

Its also how I feel about moving. Part of me is scared to death, and part of me is kind of excited. I am facing this completely alone, and a part of me fears that I won't make friends. I am kind of a loner. a Social introvert. My confidence is low, and I always am in pain feeling anxious.

I try so hard to detach from her, but at night its the worst. I can't sleep and I have nightmares. Then I wake up and ache for her. My heart is so broken. She surely would be feeling much worse if she did not have the drugs to mask the pain. She is able to detach from me anytime. I have to be honest I am sort of jealous of it. She has her drug friends and I am all alone.

I would never go down that road, but they seem to navigate losing everything, and broken families very well. There seems to be a peace among them. An acceptance of life that I just can't bring myself to. I can only detach in certain moments, but its fleeting as this consumes almost every waking and sleeping moment.

I am not in a good place. Laughter is dead, fun is no more. I am not sure when it will return. She haunts me every moment. I love her. But part of me sees that she is gone. I have really nothing to lose by trying to help until I go. Maybe God will produce miracle and she can overcome.

It's just very tragic. This loss. My guilt, and watching her get stolen away day by day. I have never experienced this level of heart break in all my relationships. And like I said it's not a fear of being alone, it's the fear of it not being her. How can one recover from someone that they love so much in almost every way except this nasty addiction?

I saw us moving toward a beautiful life. A life filled with new experiences. Of joy, of love, and closeness. There will never be another her. And that kills me.

I dont have a clue what my life has in store. But it seems very painful staying, and going.

When I saw the place I am moving to, and talked to my future housemate, it felt so right. Then I thought of her and I felt like my whole heart and stomach had a gaping hole. The pain was crushing thinking of going on without her. Because all these new things should have been us. We are both miserable here. This was what I had hoped was a new start as a couple.

It was very hard. But staying in this like it is is just as hard in a different way. Watching her decline is so so awful. I can't remain here.

But at the same time, seeing her in action also motivates me to keep packing and following the plan. Even though it hurts it like helps steer the ship toward leaving. Its not that I am running away from something, its like I am running to something. Closer to my teens, and a new place that has lots of jobs, and lots of things to keep me busy. For the first time after a breakup I aboslutely do not feeling like dating or meeting anyone else. That's how I know how much she means to me. Maybe I am obsessed. I just dont know... this is by far the hardest thing I have had to endure. Its like a deep sinking feeling that pulls me down. Like sadness mixed with a rollercoaster ride. I can't stop thinking about it. My feelings are in total control. And a big life change makes it even more emotional. Its tough, I'm telling you. Fighting the urge to text and call all the time. Trying not to be crazy, trying not to make it worse. Trying to manage self care but stuck. I just wish this wasn't real. It's a nightmare, This is serious stuff here. That heroin is no joke.

My ex works as a VA nurse over there, and she said that out of 120 vets trying to kick heroin one way or another, only 4 or 5 have been able to do it. It seems like its the battle you just cant win. Thats what I need to face. I have to rest in the fact that maybe I dodged a bullet. But that doesnt help me not feel terrible losing the love of my life. Knowing she is stuck in hell. Knowing the awesome woman behind it all. Knowing she is worth so much more. We were robbed. The thief that came to steal kill and destroy.

And selfishly I wonder will I find someone as pretty inside and out as she is/was? I look back on my relationships and the two main ones I think of a frankenstein I create. I would take the work ethics and stabilty of my first ex. Then my second ex, her favorite thing to do was cuddle and watch tv series with me. I'd take that from her. Then everything else from my current flame, except the drug addiction. But everything else I take.

Sorry I am just rambling.

PuzzledHeart

Oh good Lord, you're not rambling. You want logorrhea - take a look at MY first posts.

I know at the moment that you feel you're in a bad place, but honestly it sounds like you're way ahead of the game. You're not desperately trying to replace your current relationship with another one. (I think it's great that you're not in the mood to date just yet. People you love aren't Lego pieces that you just swap.) You've made the decision to move on. You're listening to people with hard-earned experience instead of shutting them down. And you've done all this despite the fact that your heart is desperately broken.

Other people will chime in I'm sure. Some of them may be recovering addicts/alcoholics, like PhoenixJ. Their words are especially valuable.

I often hear stories about infidelity and it strikes me that infidelity and addiction can be one and the same. Not that I've had an affair, but I suspect for many it serves as an escape from themselves. Drugs accomplish the same thing. People engage in affairs and completely ignore the fact that infidelity can destroy marriages and families. Drugs can do that to.

Every time I hear somebody say something like, "I had an affair because I was lonely in my marriage." or "I took up drinking/drugs because I was stressed" to me it's like saying, "Hey, there's a fire in my house. I'll just bring out this nuclear bomb and blow this thing to smithereens. That will take care of it." It doesn't make any sense.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

johnnie360

Thank you for the reply. I have been listening. My counselor looked at me dead in the face and said "you cannot have a relationship with an active addict, and they relapse up to 22 times before it sticks sometimes"

My ex also said I have a few choices. Throw my life away in hopes that it will get better. She knows me and said that she thinks I am too insecure at this time to be able to control my outburts. She also said That I can leave and if she gets better bring her along when the time comes.

But what really struck me was she said... You can always support her habit and then she wont ever have to be out seeking which is another hard part of this. I hate her out there finding and waiting for drugs. Those scummy people.

But what really struck me was my brother whos wife killed herself after opiate addiction and guilt. He said man... Even if she gets better you will be tripping if she is 30 minutes late from the grocery store thinking she is using. That wont be good for either of you.

Everyone is correct in all their advice. I hate coming in last to this addiction. It kills me.

Its so hard to not hear from her. She is consumed by the seeking. I am resisting every urge to text her. I need to learn self control, because i sometimes make things worse with negative texts. You see aside from the drugs I also ruin things when I lack emotional control. But she will be back. She has to be. I am up and down.

I just need to either accept how things are or split. I am going to give it one solid go before I go if she even ends up really trying to detox. As I stated she seems to say exactly what I want to hear. But also I am prone to think she is lying anyways because after all this I have trust issues with her.

Blah Blah Blah. Maybe you can understand what i am going through constantly.

Letting everything be what it will be is so damn hard.

This site over the past few weeks has helped me. Scared the **** out of me, but helped me.

I tried to find one story of overcoming and reconciliation, but thus far i have found none.

I guess everyone thinks their addict is unique. I try to, but so quickly as these days pass she sinks deeper and deeper. She is becoming void.

johnnie360

And then like that... Shes cold. Distant. Messages only if she needs something. She must be getting sick right now. But these things hurt. Its what pushes me forward. In sadness, but albeit forward. These are the times I try not to take it personal, but to have the woman I love so cold and hostile is tough!

PhoenixJ

You partner is an addict. The only thing that addiction wants is that high- the instant reward. I am an alcoholic and my drinking destroyed my family life. You say you do not know what your life holds. In 10 years- if you do not plan, make boundaries and change that in your control-YOU, that question will still there. What about your life, the lives of your family?
Support and empathy to you.

Ann

Much of our codependency is fear driven. Thoughts like "If I don't keep taking care of him/her, she will die." Addicts do die, many of them as you already know. Most times it didn't matter if someone was trying to save them or not. Addiction kills. It's like telling a drunk "don't drive". Then they drive anyway and have an accident."

Fear is our enemy, faith is the antidote, faith in God or faith in our recovery programs or faith in ourselves...but faith that we can get past the pain we are feeling.

My son is addicted to drugs and has been missing, lost in his addiction somewhere unknown. We haven't heard from him in over 10 years. Prior to that we spent maybe another 10 years trying to save him from himself, providing a good home, good job with my husband's business, love and guidance (or control and manipulation if you want me to be honest). It never ended well and each time turned our home into a war zone. I became as sick as he was just trying to get him to stop killing himself with drugs (he overdosed 3 times, each time almost dying).

My meetings and SR got me through the darkest days with all this. Today I begin my day with a prayer, asking God to do for my son what I cannot. Then I live each day in peace, finding joy and beauty in every single day no matter what it brings.

I cannot save my son. He can save himself, he knows where real help is (Salvation Army Rehabs are free and effective when the addict is willing). God watches over him and all is well in my world.

I pray you find peace too, and that your heart and mind know that you are powerless over anyone else's addiction. I will pray for her too, that she finds a better path and saves her own life.

JOIE12

I have never used any type of medication that dulls pain, mentally or physically, I don't even drink coffee, soda or smoke. But .... i became addicted to an addict. It's just as damaging. I began to hate myself. You are an articulate man. You are wise and you know the deal. Your counselor is correct. And you will never get out of a relationship with an addict, what you put into it. Stay strong, but don't be afraid to build a new life if that's where you see yourself headed. Hugs, Joie

CanadianRose

Oh Johnnie, your story makes my heart hurt. I am so sorry that you're going through this pain. I really related to your envy that she has drugs to get through this pain. My AH relapsed and I went through hell, but he hardly felt a thing. I was jealous of that too. I think you're doing the right thing by moving and getting some space. I think with time, you'll gain some clarity and some of the immediate agony will start to heal in your heart. I don't doubt that she is a beautiful person worthy of love. She can't receive or reciprocate it right now, though. You're left alone in the relationship feeling most of the pain.

I know that you aren't proud of your behavior, but addiction doesn't bring out the best in us, does it? It seems to enhance and expose the worst flaws of both the addict and their loved ones. I think it's for the best that you can't see another woman as a potential romantic partner right now. You need time to heal. You have been through the wringer.

So so sorry you're feeling such pain. It just sucks, man. You have hope for yourself, though. You can make it out of this madness.

CanadianRose

I don't know if this helps, but my husband said all the right things too when we'd talk between binges. After he got clean, he told me that he knew how to "talk the talk" and wasn't really feeling much at the time.

Ouch. So yeah, lying is a very high probability.

johnnie360

Thank you so much. As I went through another night of sweat drenched terror, I try hard to accept that it is just done. That the woman I love is gone. Yesterday I pushed her away with a bunch of text messages that would make even a sane person not want to talk to me But today I see how deep she is in her addiction. The woman is gone. I must do what I fear which is move. I am just clearing the house as much as possible, then when my school funds drop loading a very tiny amount of posessions, moving into a house share and starting over. It just has to be this. Its for the best no matter what. But I realize that I need the distance in order to save myself from her, but also save her from me. I have to not be able to reach out and drive around and have her right up the road. I have to face my feelings of guilt and unworthiness. I have to work on myself, and be with my kids and help them.

I am trying to force myself to grieve and accept. I have to go before she comes back to use me some more. Like I said my actions even yesterday would make even a sane person bail on me. I am not able to refrain from contacting her even though she doesn't even want me to right now. There is no reciprocated love from her, and I am unable to not lose control over wanting her to stop using and get better with me.

Going away is my only option. I know that at least to begin I will be lonely as hell in a new city, but that lonliness seems like it will be a different type of lonely than I feel here. And being so far away will make this all the more real. The ending. Me gone completely closes the door and I will have no choice but to accept and feel the waves of deep sullen pain, anxiety, and heartache so I can mourn and pray to God that he makes me into the man I should be.

It is so very hard to not only know that she is sick, but I am also sick and it is clear. Who would pursue someone who does not care either way?

I have been able to let go many times in the past of relationships, but this one is killing me.

johnnie360

No matter what the outcome is I need to build a new life. I have to get away to heal, but also to not make things worse with her. I have been going off the deep end past few days,

PhoenixJ

Empathy and support