hello808

I decided to join because I feel like the people that I am surrounded by just don't understand what it is like to be the girlfriend of a recovering meth addict. Most people get turned off by it and just tell me to leave him. If anyone can help me with this, I'd appreciate your thoughts...

He is at an inpatient treatment facility. And since he has been there for a month now... he is allowed to make phone calls. Yesterday was his second irate phone call with me. He ended up hanging up on me. He was asking me to meet up with him secretly while he is out on a day pass to give him some cash. He says that this cash is for food and some chewing tobacco. Given that he has only been sober for a month, I am skeptical about his motive for obtaining cash from me. His counselor only allows him to carry $5 cash when he goes out on his day passes. Asking me for more cash goes against his treatment plans. I have stood my ground and told him no and that I would not see him for that. I feel sad because I feel like every time he has called me so far it has been to ask for money or something else. Anyways, i'd rather him hate me and be angry than to succumb to enabling him.

My question here is... would not answering his future calls for a little while make things worse for him? I feel like I need a break from this. He makes me feel immense guilt when all I am doing is standing firm and setting boundaries. I take his treatment seriously, but I guess he doesn't. Should I ignore his calls? I love him dearly but this is tearing me apart.

AnvilheadII

first off, GOOD FOR YOU for standing firm and upholding your boundaries! exceptionally well done. not easy tho, is it?

we have a saying around here - if you want to know what the addict is REALLY thinking (wanting), say NO and then stand back.

i'm sorry that so far his calls have always been about HIM wanting something from you. but it is what it is. he is showing you HIS priorities. and his mindset, which is still very much that of an addict in active addiction. want, want, want, me, me, me.

you get to decide what is best for you. if you don't want to take any more "gimme gimme" calls from someone who will get angry at you for not giving in to their demands, you are perfectly and absolutely within your rights to do so. this isn't about punishing him, it's about your quality of life, your peace of mind. he's like a relentless telemarketer.

while he is in treatment, what are you doing for you? any therapeutic or group support? that can help break the isolation. no one gets it like someone who is standing knee deep in the alligator swamp right beside you.

i'm glad you are here.

hello808

Thank you for such a helpful reply. It really isn't easy. One of the toughest things I am having to do. However, I have accepted that people's true colors show once you are no longer a benefit to them, so maybe not answering his calls will really show me whether this is worth it in the long run. For so long I have thought that with love and support he will get through this... but clearly he needs more than that. I am seeing a therapist who is helping me get back to focusing on myself since I have focused so much on taking care of him. Slowely but surely I am learning not to take responsibility for him.

hopeful4

My XAH was in treatment for a different issue (alcohol) but was there with many many serious drug addicts. He said they all did drugs if they could find a way when out on a pass, and that they talked about it constantly. No clue if it's the same, but that is how it was where he was at. Many of them were either there to stay out of jail (his situation as well), or court ordered.

I look back at how my XAH was constantly calling me when he was there. The best thing I could have done for myself would have been to not speak to him. To let him figure himself out, and to give me some space.

Keep seeing your therapist and keep moving forward.

Maudcat

Perfectly okay to block his calls. Trust your gut. He wants money to use.
Maybe he will get better, maybe he won't.
But you can choose not to be a part of it.
Good luck. Peace.

JOIE12

I went thru this several times during the stays of my EABF. I realized that his guilt was one of the symptoms that wasn't necessarily going to change ... ever. It becomes a part of a couple's exchanges. I took the calls but hated myself afterwards. I would be angry and disappointed. I looked so forward to hearing his voice, that I was willing to tolerate more abuse ... long distance ! I had grown so tolerant of the behavior, that when I walked away .... I realized that I now have nearly zero tolerance for any addict or addiction. It's as simple as that. They will continue to search for new victims, who aren't really victims at all, because it is our choice to walk that path that we wish. I wish you strength during this difficult time, and peace as you encounter each new experience. Hugs, Joie

nytepassion

True recovery isn't about being sneaky and breaking rules.

He is asking you to sneak him money and is irrate because you won't do it. That in itself speaks volumes.

You did the right thing by telling him no. An addict in early stages of recovery... going out on a pass, asking you to sneak him money for "food" is a relapse in the making. He is planning to use, hence him getting irrate when you said no. His addiction is throwing a temper tantrum.

I think taking a break from his phone calls is a great idea and it is perfectly fine to do so. You said you needed a break. It is important to recognize your needs and tend to them accordingly. Give yourself the gift of self care.

Also the next time he calls it might be a good time to set boundaries of what you will not accept from his calls (like him getting irrate, so on and so forth) and if he crosses the line hang up on him and don't answer his call that day no matter how many times he trys to reach you.

It will send a message that if he wants to talk to you he must remain calm and respectful.

Guilt is a symptom of codependency and it can keep us locked into doing things we don't want to do so that we don't feel guilty. It is okay to say no. No is a necessary word especially where addiction is concerned. Use it freely... try to see it as a good thing, as positive. It mirrors your recovery. It is healthy for you to say no to sneaking him money and it is smart.

As uncomfortable as it feels you are headed in the right direction for your own life

Stay sharp
Passion
Recovering addict