Please need some advice ASAP
 

AS(he's 43) is supposedly in recovery (moved a few hours away) so we do not have constant contact. Supposedly cleaned up his act, went through the courts and has been following his probation. He has a job, a place to live. But, and the big but for us his family, is that he is with a woman who was also an addict (doing drugs with him, that's how they met) she has a very long history and also 2 children that is now with her Mom.

He is contacting to see what we are doing for Easter. I have told him in the past that we are not ready to "welcome" her into our life. She needs to prove herself to us. Get her kids back...etc, etc. And of course, he always wants to push the envelope. His sisters have not seen him since we did an intervention and then a visit in Rehab almost 2 years ago...where he then slapped us in the face and decided to "live his own life".

Are we out of line? expecting too much?

Is it wrong for us to say that he is welcome(his daughter will be here) but, as of right now we cannot handle her.?

Dear Plink, I would agree that it isn't the right arena to bring someone who makes you uncomfortable. If you explain what your boundaries are to your son, he will then have to choose to respect them or not. If at some point you do want to include her in family outings, that would be your decision.

I think you are doing the right thing, what ever that's worth!

You use the word “supposedly” referring to your son so you must still question his sobriety.

I guess my thought is, if his girlfriend is not welcome to be around you based on her history then how do you suppose she is to prove anything to you?

I guess my initial thoughts are this:

What is your definition of "Welcoming"? Do you feel like an Easter dinner is implying you are welcoming her into the family? Having her over for dinner is not the same as creating a relationship with her.

What are you afraid of will happen if she comes with your son for Easter?

Just a couple of things to think about. Remember, you can always make it clear what this invite means, and what it DOESNT mean, and that you expect sobriety at your home.

I don't think you have to "handle her". You really just need to tolerate her for a few hours. I think it would be nice for his sisters and daughter to see him if he is indeed currently sober.

JMHO

She needs to prove herself to us. Get her kids back...etc, etc

wow, all that for a dinner invite. would you have a vetting process for ANYONE he decided to bring? it's seems a little....elitist, almost.

your 43 year old son should be "allowed" to make his own choices regarding his interpersonal relations with others. whether you approve or not. you cannot control what he does or who he sees. if you cannot accept the person he has chosen to be with, then you also do not accept him.

agreed........unless something has happened to you personally to warrant that. I "accept" that my son is in a relationship with someone who is a narcissist and toxic for him. I say "accept" because I have no choice............it is what it is.

That being said, she has done and said things to myself, my husband, and my son's 4 year old daughter that I cannot forgive and will not forget. Period. But that doesn't mean I don't accept my son. It just means that he has my unconditional love (different than unconditional respect, mind you), but she does not.

right - if someone has directly insulted me or my home in the past, set fire to the table or punched someone for example, then i reserve the right to no longer extend an invite to them.

i'm not hearing that type of scenario here.

Personally, I think it's a slippery slope when your relationship with your son includes conditions that are actually none of our business.

I get that you would prefer not to spend a holiday with the tension that an addict ( recovering or not) brings. That is your right. And I also get that while we might try to maintain a relationship with our own family, you are not obligated to extend that effort to others.

Are you sure it doesn't just make things easier on the conscious to know that you extended an invitation to your son, even if he declines because of the condition of the visit?

I've done just that in the past.

Argh. I can see why you feel the way you do.

My ex-fiance was one of those guys that set my family and friends on edge. They hated his guts, but since he hadn't really done anything "wrong" they tolerated him. I still appreciate the extreme patience they practiced whenever he came over. I would have been extremely resentful and angry if my family/friends expressed their displeasure by shunning him.

My sister started dating her current boyfriend, who has a self-admitted pot habit and has never been able to financially support himself, while she was still married to her ex-husband. My parents can't bear to have him in the house. He hasn't done anything "to them", but he represents my sister's inability to keep it together in so many ways. My parents are heartbroken.

Do I think they're creating this You and Me Against the World narrative that ironically brings my sister and her boyfriend even closer together? Hell yes. Do I understand the reasons why they don't want him to cross the threshold? Yep.
Does it mean that my sister feels rejected, especially knowing that people were able to tolerate my ex-fiance? Definitely.

That said, it is your home, and you have the right to determine who is invited and who is not. Just be aware of what you're setting in motion here. And you may want to think about what your AS's girlfriend represents to you vs. who she really is. Maybe they're the same thing, but I can see a scenario where you think she's joining him as he resumes his old habits, but she's actually a comrade in arms as he fights for his recovery. Of course, it could be that she's joining in as he resumes old habits period, but as they say around here, more will be revealed.

It sounds like you are not happy with your sons own choices for his own life.

There also seems to be some control issues.

Your son has a right to live his own life and he also has a right to love who his heart loves. If it feels like a slap in the face then you are taking it personally.

As for his gf she owes you nothing. She should not be required to jump through hoops for your approval. If she owes anybody anything it is herself and her kids.

Now you can choose to punish your son for loving her or (as long as active addiction isn't a fact) you can open your mind to and give her a chance.

It sounds like your son just wants to be a part of your life. If he is clean don't let fear steal that from you. Lay down your arms ;)

Passion
Recovering addict

Thanks for all the replies. I very much appreciate all the advise.
You may be right, it was just "easier" w/o him here.

Sometimes I do not think that I choose my words correctly......sorry for that.