Qualifier pretending to be sober

Old 03-06-2017, 11:03 AM
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Qualifier pretending to be sober

Hi everyone, I'm new here and have been attending al-anon for four months.

Overall I love al anon, but lately I have been confused by the behavior of one of my qualifiers, and I guess I'm not so much confused with the qualifiers behavior but more so about how to understand my action in response/how to not get frustrated-- here's my problem:

My qualifier has always been the woe is me victim type, I've known her my entire life and she manipulates every situation back to making our entire family (her parents/my grandparents especially) ooh and ah over her every sensitivity. She is wealthy, has no responsibilities yet life is too much for her and we need to handle everything related to her with kid gloves. In my family if she lies we are all supposed to sit there and nod along, I've historically been the truth detective in my family but am learning to let that go. I know I have resentment toward her, I'm exploring and trying to remedy that, and I think it comes in large part from having to pick up her responsibilities so often as a child, but for the first time I have come to some peace through beginning al anon and now my qualifier is pretending to be sober and even can tell you the number of days she's been "sober." I've finally come off of trying to investigate whether she is or is not sober (through the first two months of al anon) and am living my life around my needs. The only time I see this qualifier is at family gatherings and she constantly forces her sobriety on me, when I happen to know she is in fact not sober. I'm trying to employ what I have learned so far and not "control" the situation by calling her out as a liar but im finding it to be difficult. I'm also hurt an angry that she's pretending to be in a program when 1) that would be a dream of mine and would make me so happy for her and 2) my program has meant everything to me and she's still lying to get attention that is undeserved at 57 years old.
Does anyone else have this problem or advice?
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Old 03-06-2017, 12:12 PM
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Hi and welcome to SR, sorry for what’s brought you here but you are among many who understand.

I know for me for a long time I had to too right and prove them wrong. I think part of that was I not wanting anyone to try to manipulate me or make me out to be a fool or look stupid. Al-anon really helped me work thought all of that and to where I can allow so much more to roll off my back and not feel I need to engage in every situation.

I've known her my entire life and she manipulates every situation back to making our entire family (her parents/my grandparents especially) ooh and ah over her every sensitivity. She is wealthy, has no responsibilities yet life is too much for her and we need to handle everything related to her with kid gloves. In my family if she lies we are all supposed to sit there and nod along,
Park of the way your family deals with her is enabling for it to continue YET they don’t seem to get as angry as you by allowing it to roll off their backs and just nod, seems they have accepted her for how and who she is where you may be still hoping she changes into someone different.

2) my program has meant everything to me and she's still lying to get attention that is undeserved at 57 years old.
YOUR program is not going to stop her lying or who she is, your program is going to help you and only you with your reactions to her.
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Old 03-06-2017, 12:47 PM
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Thanks for your reply alatose-- I think this was exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm kind of struck by your words because I've never thought of my family as having accepted her ways, I thought of them as being in denial but it could definitely be the case that they are aware of their inability to change her--something that I am only just recently (the last few months) coming to terms with.

Per the second quote -- I don't expect my qualifier to get better because I am in recovery. I do think I am feeling some new resentment toward my qualifier because al anon has been such a life line for me and it seems like her pretending to be in a program is a new twist on her regular smoke and mirrors shtick and there's some kind of extra twinge of pain associated with her perverting something (the program and steps) that's legitimately helping me. I think it's not my place to judge her, even though I know she's not sincere.
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Old 03-06-2017, 01:21 PM
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Her recovery real or not real, go with your gut on that one!, is not your issue and it has nothing to do with your own recovery.

You say she is all about smoke and mirrors, sometimes we have to stop looking in their mirrors and focus only on the person looking back at us from our own mirror.

Resentment is a good one to work on via al-anon, it will eat you alive if you don’t stop it in it’s tracks.

The old saying………resentment is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.
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Old 03-06-2017, 02:00 PM
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your family is not an amoeba.....it is composed of separate individuals. and each individual has a right to feel, think and act as THEY choose. you do not have to tow the party line. you don't have to drink the juice, or buy the schtick.

your person is who she is. sober, not sober, pretending to be sober.

let's try this on: Big Whoop. So What?

she can pretend to be Santa Clause, or claim to the be the Easter Bunny. she just may not know any better. is it really for you to say?

get back in your own hula hoop. just do you, and let others do whatever it is they do!!!
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Old 03-06-2017, 03:03 PM
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oh my word, CLAUS not clause.
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Old 03-06-2017, 03:40 PM
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LOL I knew what you meant anvil -- I think you're right on too. I've stopped pointing the finger with everything else since I came to al anon so I'm not sure why it seems I'd temporarily given myself a pass to point and judge when it comes to recovery/sobriety.

I will say the Easter bunny and Santa Claus examples made me laugh at the absurdity of my own judgmental-ness. I'll think of that next time this happens.
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Old 03-06-2017, 04:37 PM
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Yellowbird, you catch on quickly. My husband had an aunt (may she rest in peace) who was the crazy one in the family, she didn't drink or drug but she did really crazy things. Other family members just let Mavis be Mavis, and smiled and nodded and let it all go.

I thought this was odd, but in time I learned the meaning of "acceptance", it didn't mean they condoned what she did, it just meant that they took Mavis for the person she was and learned to live with her. Over time I quite liked Mavis, eccentric or not.

I suspect it will be like this with your family member. Nobody can change her, she is who she is, but accepting that, fibs and all, is part of recovery and just letting family be family.

Your recovery and program is all about you. Her lies don't make your program any less important or wonderful.

Today, rather than debate or call people out on petty matters, I use expressions a lot such as "Oh isn't that wonderful, good for you" or "Really? How nice for you" and then move on. Try it, I'll bet you can have some fun with it without anyone even knowing.
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Old 03-06-2017, 05:25 PM
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Thank you Ann! That's exactly my hang up -- I felt like by not acknowledging it I'm worried that enabling her or supporting the problem. I've been thinking about this all day and having some advice on what to tell her when she puts me on the spot is really helpful.

I also think I have a little gut reaction to her saying she's in recovery, because despite the fact that I'm learning to focus on myself, I really would love for her to be in recovery.
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Old 03-07-2017, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
oh my word, CLAUS not clause.
Good save!

Don't want honeypig getting all up in arms!! LOL LOL

((honeypig))
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