deepfriedgreens

Hi, I have a dear friend who just went through a divorce. During the last few months of the divorce, she (LA) was contacted by her old high school love who is a heroin addict (HA). HA's family had detached from him and he was kicked out of rehab and sober living so he called my friend. LA has a history of codependency and they are now mired in a relationship based on lies, deceit and everything textbook about the codependent and addict dance. She claims it helps her with loneliness. LA's brother and I aren't sure what to do. The brother, my wife and I are the only people who know about the relationship. She claims they have stopped seeing one another, but have been caught together every weekend for the past two months.

We all know she needs to detach from him, but how can we detach with love from her? Should we also treat her like we would an addict? She needs to love herself and take care of her children.

Thanks

atalose

There really isn’t much you can do to get her to see her own actions are not healthy ones. Much like there is nothing anyone can do for an addict/alcoholic if they don’t want to help themselves, she’s really no different except her drug of choice is a “relationship” at all costs.

I have learned that when drama comes my way or I am emotionally upset by someone else’s actions I need to step back, back away, regroup and change my thoughts. I don’t answer calls from these people when I am not feeling patient or in a mood where I would be annoyed.

I also don’t try and control them with suggestions or how I feel about what they are doing unless they specifically ask me. Learning to listen to people without expecting to have to have an answer or solutions for them can be enlightening.

The best way you can help your friend is to allow her the dignity of making her own mistakes. Be there to listen and try not to control what she does.

Maudcat

Hi, deepfried, and welcome. You can't control your friend's actions. She is making some unwise choices, but they are hers to make. It's a shame that children are in the picture.
Tell her you love her, and will be there for here when she wakes up. Then walk away for a while.
Don't give her money.

deepfriedgreens

Thanks for the advice. My wife and I have detached from her and will just wait for the fallout, if it ever comes. It just blows my mind how deep the denial is.

AnvilheadII

it's kinda crazy but there are a LOT of stories on here about "lovers" reuniting after 20 years - and every single time, addiction is in the mix and it goes horribly horribly bad.

wishing the best for you and your wife - and your friend as well. it's tough to watch, ain't it?

hopeful4

There is nothing you can do. I'm sorry.

teatreeoil007

Her drug of choice right now is this relationship. You said it helps her with her loneliness. Just as loneliness can drive an addict to seek the company of substances, loneliness can lure people into some bad relationships. Desperate for attention, perhaps. Much co-dependency 'work' is finding out you love yourself and enjoy your own company just fine and don't have to necessarily be in a relationship to feel complete.