tearsforfears

Hi, everyone. I've been lurking here for a while, reading everyone's stories and in the process learning a lot about myself and my addict husband. Thank you all so much for putting yourselves out there and sharing your experiences. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has been silently benefitting from this forum.

Now I'm ready to share my own story and hope that you can offer some insight. I have been married to an addict for almost four years. We were together for a year before getting married. When we met, he said he was detoxing from opiates. I was naive and had never dealt firsthand with an addict; I had no idea what to expect. I believed him when he said that he wanted to get and stay clean.

He was a heavy drinker when we started dating. By the time we got married he was going through a bottle of vodka every other day. He never got violent or crazy, never even acted very different when he was drinking so I just accepted it. One night he got very, very drunk and drove a long way home, then left the car in the middle of the street (I didn't find out about that part until two police officers woke me up and told me to move it early the next morning). After that I asked him to get help for his drinking.

Our relationship was very rocky after that. He was supposedly in treatment, but we separated anyway for a variety of reasons. He stopped going to treatment right away but lied to me for another couple of months. He also never stopped drinking or smoking pot, and he was probably using other things that I never found out about. We eventually reconciled after all of the familiar apologies and promises, even though he had slept with someone else while we were separated. I thought I was doing the right thing.

I know he's used since then - last year he stole some pain pills from me after back surgery, and he stole a bunch of my Klonopin (anxiety med). He abuses his prescription Gabapentin (nerve pain/restless leg syndrome med) and always runs out mid-month. But I never knew the extent of his use until a few months ago when I sneaked a look at his phone and found that he's been "partying" with his uncle. He was doing Adderall and morphine as well as drinking and smoking pot. I installed a text monitoring app so I could see all of his text conversations. I'm not proud of that, but I know I'm justified in needing to know what he is up to.

I confronted him and told him that I knew he'd been using, drinking while at work, and using kratom. To his credit, he didn't argue with me this time and acknowledged that he had been using. We separated for about a month because he refused to accept that he had a problem. While we were apart, he was still using. I even caught him trying to order peyote online. Eventually he again apologized, told me he would get help, and I let him come home again.

Less than two months after that confrontation, he's still using kratom and lying about it. This stuff is bad for anyone, but it's particularly bad for an opiate addict. It simulates the effects of opiates in the body and has similar withdrawal symptoms, so even though it's legal (for now) I don't think he should be using it. He knows I feel that way because I have asked him not to use it. Not to mention the fact that he's using money to buy it that should be going to support the household. He thinks I don't know about his secret Paypal account that he uses to buy drugs.

He says "At least I'm not doing any other drugs." I told him that that's as pointless as an alcoholic saying "at least I'm just drinking beer." I can't trust him at all. About anything, ever. He lies about everything. Even little things. Even when I have irrefutable proof. He now says that he won't go to treatment because it never works. But he's never tried it for more than a couple of months - he always gives up. He hates AA and won't go to another meeting.

I feel like maybe I'm making too much of it all. I read the stories here about spouses passing out in a pile of needles in front of the kids, destroying property, threatening, and doing all sorts of crazy things. My AH has never done any of those things...he's just lied to me over and over. He's an ok stepfather to my older kids and a good father to the baby we have together. He is a functioning addict and has never gotten in legal trouble because of his addiction. I feel like I don't have enough reason to leave him, or even to really be angry at him. Who am I to say he's not allowed to take a few pills if that's what gets him through the day? He has severe anxiety and says the drugs help him deal with work and life.

There are other factors at play here, but I've already written a novel so I will end this here and hope that someone can help me find clarity. I'm at the end of my rope...but am I just being controlling? Or has he manipulated me (unwittingly, I know - it's actually the addiction doing the manipulating) into thinking that I'm wrong? I'm just so lost. Thanks for reading this whole long mess.

Ann

You are married to an active addict whose addiction has caused you to separate more than once and he is taking no action to do anything about it. So, no dear, you're not making too much of it all.

He may appear functional right now, he may have avoided the law, but driving drunk and getting unprescribed drugs on line is illegal and will one day catch up on him...and I pray not kill him in the process.

I am glad you found us, you are among friends here who understand your pain.

Take a good read around, there is a lot of helpful information on the "sticky threads" at the top of this forum, and take comfort that while there may be nothing you can do to change him and how he is...there is a lot you can do to change yourself and reclaim your sanity and balance.

Addiction is truly a family disease, it destroys the very core of relationships and leaves many in its wake.

Hugs

hopeful4

Hello and welcome.

Please read the stickies at the tops of the forums, they are loaded with good info. Read the others threads, there is so much good info here.

Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here!