Where did my father go?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Where did my father go?
Hello. I'm new to this website. I really need someone to talk to. Just a quick background story of my father. He served 30 years in the military and was a respectable man and leader among his peers. He became addicted to alcohol for a year when I was 14 and had become sober for over 15 years. I had a wonderful childhood. My father always took good care of our family. We also grew up attending church and my father always believed in living a life for God.
He retired 7 years ago. Since then, his life has gone downhill. He became addicted to gambling and lost his entire life savings, then started drinking again. My parents (married for 27 years) are in the process of a divorce. My mom moved into her own apartment. Recently just found out my dad has been sleeping with younger women and prositutes. He was recently arrested and I thought this would be his rock bottom. Wrong. He was arrested again (I won't go into detail) and recently I found out a SWAT team had to get him to vacate his house. Now he is MIA. No one in my family knows where he is and the police are looking for him again. I recently found out also my dad has been using meth. My uncle found needles in his house and my dad told him he's been using. Not sure how long he has been using but I'm suspecting at least a year.
This feels like a nightmare. I don't know who this man is. I want my father back. I'm waiting for the phone call for someone to tell me my father is dead. I'm scared and feel hopeless.
My husband is in the military and I live all the way across the world from my family. I feel like I can't do anything to help. Also I recently had a baby boy and it breaks my heart that my son might not ever meet his grandpa.
Sorry this was long, but I appreciate anyone who has made it this far.
He retired 7 years ago. Since then, his life has gone downhill. He became addicted to gambling and lost his entire life savings, then started drinking again. My parents (married for 27 years) are in the process of a divorce. My mom moved into her own apartment. Recently just found out my dad has been sleeping with younger women and prositutes. He was recently arrested and I thought this would be his rock bottom. Wrong. He was arrested again (I won't go into detail) and recently I found out a SWAT team had to get him to vacate his house. Now he is MIA. No one in my family knows where he is and the police are looking for him again. I recently found out also my dad has been using meth. My uncle found needles in his house and my dad told him he's been using. Not sure how long he has been using but I'm suspecting at least a year.
This feels like a nightmare. I don't know who this man is. I want my father back. I'm waiting for the phone call for someone to tell me my father is dead. I'm scared and feel hopeless.
My husband is in the military and I live all the way across the world from my family. I feel like I can't do anything to help. Also I recently had a baby boy and it breaks my heart that my son might not ever meet his grandpa.
Sorry this was long, but I appreciate anyone who has made it this far.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I have very little experience with meth other than knowing what a horrible drug it is.
I hope you will find strength here and at your church and with your other family members. Congratulations on the baby.
Focus on the good parts of your life as much as you can, and on increasing your self-care.
I hope you will find strength here and at your church and with your other family members. Congratulations on the baby.
Focus on the good parts of your life as much as you can, and on increasing your self-care.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Rupert ID
Posts: 469
I'm so sorry, tea, I wish I had some great advice. Your father is obviously living a nightmare existence of depression, addiction, and it sounds like, PTSD. I also served in the military for many years and while I know I was an alcoholic during a time of that service, my depression and alcoholism became much, much, worse after leaving. Combat or not, many ex-military people go through a kind of PTSD as the experience of military separation and civilian life, is like going through a terrible divorce with a spouse you are co-dependent on. It feels like life is over for that person and they can't cope with this alien civilian world. As a military spouse, I'm sure you have some insight into this.
Back when I was in, and sounds like when your father was in, it was also a good place to hide allot of depression, drinking, carousing, etc., as that was a part of military life that was winked at. (Not so much anymore, though.). I have almost 8 months of sobriety this time and have had over a year before, but I still have a sense of profound loss with leaving the military and still am unsure what to do with my life.
I hope your father finds a moment of clarity when he realizes he needs help, desperately, and he seeks it. One good thing is, the VA has actually been a life saver for me and has been very supportive in finding me resources to help in this daily battle. I would also strongly suggest you and maybe others in your family, attend an Al-anon meeting as that can be very helpful on many different levels. A prayer for you and your father from me.
Back when I was in, and sounds like when your father was in, it was also a good place to hide allot of depression, drinking, carousing, etc., as that was a part of military life that was winked at. (Not so much anymore, though.). I have almost 8 months of sobriety this time and have had over a year before, but I still have a sense of profound loss with leaving the military and still am unsure what to do with my life.
I hope your father finds a moment of clarity when he realizes he needs help, desperately, and he seeks it. One good thing is, the VA has actually been a life saver for me and has been very supportive in finding me resources to help in this daily battle. I would also strongly suggest you and maybe others in your family, attend an Al-anon meeting as that can be very helpful on many different levels. A prayer for you and your father from me.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by biminiblue 
I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I have very little experience with meth other than knowing what a horrible drug it is.
I hope you will find strength here and at your church and with your other family members. Congratulations on the baby. Focus on the good parts of your life as much as you can, and on increasing your self-care.
I hope you will find strength here and at your church and with your other family members. Congratulations on the baby.
Focus on the good parts of your life as much as you can, and on increasing your self-care. Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by gregknight
I'm so sorry, tea, I wish I had some great advice. Your father is obviously living a nightmare existence of depression, addiction, and it sounds like, PTSD. I also served in the military for many years and while I know I was an alcoholic during a time of that service, my depression and alcoholism became much, much, worse after leaving. Combat or not, many ex-military people go through a kind of PTSD as the experience of military separation and civilian life, is like going through a terrible divorce with a spouse you are co-dependent on. It feels like life is over for that person and they can't cope with this alien civilian world. As a military spouse, I'm sure you have some insight into this.
Back when I was in, and sounds like when your father was in, it was also a good place to hide allot of depression, drinking, carousing, etc., as that was a part of military life that was winked at. (Not so much anymore, though.). I have almost 8 months of sobriety this time and have had over a year before, but I still have a sense of profound loss with leaving the military and still am unsure what to do with my life.
I hope your father finds a moment of clarity when he realizes he needs help, desperately, and he seeks it. One good thing is, the VA has actually been a life saver for me and has been very supportive in finding me resources to help in this daily battle. I would also strongly suggest you and maybe others in your family, attend an Al-anon meeting as that can be very helpful on many different levels. A prayer for you and your father from me.
Back when I was in, and sounds like when your father was in, it was also a good place to hide allot of depression, drinking, carousing, etc., as that was a part of military life that was winked at. (Not so much anymore, though.). I have almost 8 months of sobriety this time and have had over a year before, but I still have a sense of profound loss with leaving the military and still am unsure what to do with my life.
I hope your father finds a moment of clarity when he realizes he needs help, desperately, and he seeks it. One good thing is, the VA has actually been a life saver for me and has been very supportive in finding me resources to help in this daily battle. I would also strongly suggest you and maybe others in your family, attend an Al-anon meeting as that can be very helpful on many different levels. A prayer for you and your father from me.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
My sponsor managed to hold together a seemingly functional life until he retired. Then his primitive brain took over. Everything his working life was for- he was no longer part of. Perhaps this?
The military in demands order, respect, discipline. Hard work.
What ever is going on, look after you and tour family and stay safe. My support to you and yours. PJ.
The military in demands order, respect, discipline. Hard work.
What ever is going on, look after you and tour family and stay safe. My support to you and yours. PJ.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
There is a story in the AA big book which always resounded with me, about a man who waited until his retirement to drink & then experienced a rapid descent into alcoholism.
I was clean & sober for many, many years while raising my children. When they grew up & my "nest emptied," I returned to wine to fill lonely evenings. This stage of life is distinct & challenging. If your life had a very solid form, the formlessness is disorienting.
This does happen to some very good, kind people.
I send many sympathies to you for your loss of a father. Your heart must be breaking & you must be very worried.
I have no advice. I found myself & a renewed identity in recovery & work. This might be a moment of disorientation or it might be his story. I agree with many who believe that meth is a powerful & soul-sucking drug which changes people.
You may have lost him & that is heartbreaking. You say you are posted far away - perhaps al-anon is not available where you are. You may have to work hard to find a support community.
You are just witness. There is nothing you can really do but wait & send hope energy (perhaps in the form of prayer). But for all your worry about him, please take time to care for yourself, to grieve, and to release the end-story (as you cannot change it). You can be present for this & can feel it fully. That's all.
A vast hug to you! This makes no sense & is really hard...
We lose good people to addiction sometimes, and it is a very deep & confusing loss.
I was clean & sober for many, many years while raising my children. When they grew up & my "nest emptied," I returned to wine to fill lonely evenings. This stage of life is distinct & challenging. If your life had a very solid form, the formlessness is disorienting.
This does happen to some very good, kind people.
I send many sympathies to you for your loss of a father. Your heart must be breaking & you must be very worried.
I have no advice. I found myself & a renewed identity in recovery & work. This might be a moment of disorientation or it might be his story. I agree with many who believe that meth is a powerful & soul-sucking drug which changes people.
You may have lost him & that is heartbreaking. You say you are posted far away - perhaps al-anon is not available where you are. You may have to work hard to find a support community.
You are just witness. There is nothing you can really do but wait & send hope energy (perhaps in the form of prayer). But for all your worry about him, please take time to care for yourself, to grieve, and to release the end-story (as you cannot change it). You can be present for this & can feel it fully. That's all.
A vast hug to you! This makes no sense & is really hard...
We lose good people to addiction sometimes, and it is a very deep & confusing loss.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. This is a place of great support.
While I don't have any magic advise, I just want to send a big hug and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you. You are going through something terrible, but I want to tell you the Three C's. Remember these.
You did not Cause It, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
Tight hugs.
While I don't have any magic advise, I just want to send a big hug and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you. You are going through something terrible, but I want to tell you the Three C's. Remember these.
You did not Cause It, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
Tight hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
My sponsor managed to hold together a seemingly functional life until he retired. Then his primitive brain took over. Everything his working life was for- he was no longer part of. Perhaps this?
The military in demands order, respect, discipline. Hard work.
What ever is going on, look after you and tour family and stay safe. My support to you and yours. PJ.
The military in demands order, respect, discipline. Hard work.
What ever is going on, look after you and tour family and stay safe. My support to you and yours. PJ.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by heartcore
There is a story in the AA big book which always resounded with me, about a man who waited until his retirement to drink & then experienced a rapid descent into alcoholism.
I was clean & sober for many, many years while raising my children. When they grew up & my "nest emptied," I returned to wine to fill lonely evenings. This stage of life is distinct & challenging. If your life had a very solid form, the formlessness is disorienting.
This does happen to some very good, kind people.
I send many sympathies to you for your loss of a father. Your heart must be breaking & you must be very worried.
I have no advice. I found myself & a renewed identity in recovery & work. This might be a moment of disorientation or it might be his story. I agree with many who believe that meth is a powerful & soul-sucking drug which changes people.
You may have lost him & that is heartbreaking. You say you are posted far away - perhaps al-anon is not available where you are. You may have to work hard to find a support community.
You are just witness. There is nothing you can really do but wait & send hope energy (perhaps in the form of prayer). But for all your worry about him, please take time to care for yourself, to grieve, and to release the end-story (as you cannot change it). You can be present for this & can feel it fully. That's all.
A vast hug to you! This makes no sense & is really hard...
We lose good people to addiction sometimes, and it is a very deep & confusing loss.
I was clean & sober for many, many years while raising my children. When they grew up & my "nest emptied," I returned to wine to fill lonely evenings. This stage of life is distinct & challenging. If your life had a very solid form, the formlessness is disorienting.
This does happen to some very good, kind people.
I send many sympathies to you for your loss of a father. Your heart must be breaking & you must be very worried.
I have no advice. I found myself & a renewed identity in recovery & work. This might be a moment of disorientation or it might be his story. I agree with many who believe that meth is a powerful & soul-sucking drug which changes people.
You may have lost him & that is heartbreaking. You say you are posted far away - perhaps al-anon is not available where you are. You may have to work hard to find a support community.
You are just witness. There is nothing you can really do but wait & send hope energy (perhaps in the form of prayer). But for all your worry about him, please take time to care for yourself, to grieve, and to release the end-story (as you cannot change it). You can be present for this & can feel it fully. That's all.
A vast hug to you! This makes no sense & is really hard...
We lose good people to addiction sometimes, and it is a very deep & confusing loss.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by hopeful4
Hello and welcome to SR. I am so sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here. This is a place of great support.
While I don't have any magic advise, I just want to send a big hug and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you. You are going through something terrible, but I want to tell you the Three C's. Remember these.
You did not Cause It, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
Tight hugs.
While I don't have any magic advise, I just want to send a big hug and let you know I am here, reading this, supporting you. You are going through something terrible, but I want to tell you the Three C's. Remember these.
You did not Cause It, you cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it.
Tight hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I realize not being able to fix him does not make it any less frustrating or hurtful. It's heart wrenching to watch those you love make bad decisions that hurt you or others, and also themselves.
It's ok to love someone from afar.
Hugs.
It's ok to love someone from afar.
Hugs.
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