PuzzledHeart

My sister, despite getting a significant amount of money on her house sale, claims that she doesn't have enough money to fix her car, much less buy a new one.

My dad is concerned that she's driving around her children in a clunker, so a couple weeks back he proposed that to buy us both new cars. He didn't want to purchase a new car solely for her because he wanted to treat us as equals. I told him he was free to buy my sister what he wanted, but I wasn't interested in his offer.

So yesterday, he asked me if I could sell my car to him so he could give it to my sister, and then he would buy me a used car. I asked him why couldn't he just buy my sister a used car and take me out of the process completely.

Of course the discussion disintegrated into an argument about enabling. I told him that as long as he kept on bailing her out, she would never learn how to be a adult. He told me that I had no compassion for her, that I had to accept the fact that she was mentally disabled (which she isn't), and it was difficult for most adults to buy used cars (???). Then he said if he couldn't support her, then he and my mom would move out of state and leave my nieces in completely in her care. (My nieces live with my parents on the days my sister has custody of them.). Of course it was an empty threat, so I didn't pay attention to it.

He then said that they couldn't discipline her when she was sixteen, so what made me think they could discipline her when she's in her forties. Something about that question got to me, because I NOW know why she was acting up in her teens. She was being sexually abused by my cousin. My parents, to my knowledge, do not know this. She's never told them.

My dad feels so much guilt over the way she's turned out. I think he suspects something, and feels guilty for letting that abusive snake into the house. And he feels that there's nothing he can do for her to turn over a new leaf, so he might as well provide the basics for her because she isn't going to do any better anyway. I talk the talk about enabling, but at the same time I wonder if I need to be more compassionate. At the same time, I think to myself, she already HAS money - she's just letting her car sit in my dad's driveway so he can cough up enough dough to buy something shiny and new for her. Maybe my dad's right - she's so damaged that to expect her to do normal adult things is beyond realistic expectation. But she used to do those things - she used to work for a internationally renowned company and manage one of their departments. Why did she fall so far? Why did she let herself fall so far?

I know - stay out of it - but I'm still left with these thoughts.

AnvilheadII

PH - it isn't likely that anything you do or say is going to CHANGE their mindsets. they are entrenched.

Maudcat

This is such a tough one, Puzzled. I have a similar situation in that my parents, now just my mother, enables my alcoholic sib. Always has and, I guess, always will. I think part of my parent's enabling, like your father's, is rooted in guilt. He was not planned, and she didn't particularly want a third child. Also, she took some medication during her pregnancy (prescribed) that she believes damaged him in some way. He always struggled with school.
I too struggle with patience and compassion for them both, as they live together and both have dementia. Hers is from old age, his is from too much alcohol.
I have vented about them here, and stated that it is very difficult at times to see them together.
A wise person on this site replied to one of my venting postings in this way: "yes, it's hard to watch, but she has been doing this all her life. She isn't going to change. And at the end of the day, it is her life and she should be able to live it the way she wants. Even if you don't agree and you don't like it."
That post has stayed with me. I try to step back when my sib is being a d**k, which is most of the time. I tell myself that it's not my circus and not my monkeys.
Al-Anon has helped me with some of the resentment and anger that I feel toward both of them sometimes. And sometimes, when my sib is stomping around like an idiot, which upsets my mother, I will tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it the heck off!
But mostly, not my circus, etc. etc.
Sorry this has become such a long post. Bottom line, our parents are going to do what they are going to do. All we can do is try to learn from their experience and try not to repeat it. Peace.