Small Pupils
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Small Pupils
Last Oct I found out from my husband's best friend (after already suspecting for quite some time) that my husband was an active opiod user. When first confronted by his friend, me and his parents, he denied it. But then admitted to it. This was before the holidays so money was tight. He went to see a drug counselor once, but was just introductory. Didn't go back because money was needed for Christmas, and honestly, no one was holding him accountable, no one was asking him about anything, he really did seem back to normal. All of this forced me to really dig deep and research and put puzzle pieces together. So many things make sense now.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I've started suspecting him again. He's still helping me around the house and with our 2 kids most days. But I'm seeing some of the same behaviors I saw before (when he was using but I didn't know). Main thing...his pupils are small, even in a dim lit room. I've even compared his pupils to our kids pupils (who obviously aren't using) and their small...that's not normal...right? He is a welder and states that's what causes it, but I've done research on that too and can't find anything on it, and also, his eyes have been that way even on weekend when he hasn't been welding. I've asked him to take a home drug test, he refuses. He says he did take some for a kidney stone he passed a couple weeks ago but that was it and promises that was the only time. But still, he won't take a test. He gets very defensive and uptight and turns things around on me. I'm not quick on my feet, and I'm not street smart when it comes to this sort of stuff.
What I want to know is, what are the exact tell-tale signs of someone who is high on pain pills? I want to know from actual users/past users. What should I be watching out for? He has me thinking I'm wrong for accusing him, but I don't think I am.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, I've started suspecting him again. He's still helping me around the house and with our 2 kids most days. But I'm seeing some of the same behaviors I saw before (when he was using but I didn't know). Main thing...his pupils are small, even in a dim lit room. I've even compared his pupils to our kids pupils (who obviously aren't using) and their small...that's not normal...right? He is a welder and states that's what causes it, but I've done research on that too and can't find anything on it, and also, his eyes have been that way even on weekend when he hasn't been welding. I've asked him to take a home drug test, he refuses. He says he did take some for a kidney stone he passed a couple weeks ago but that was it and promises that was the only time. But still, he won't take a test. He gets very defensive and uptight and turns things around on me. I'm not quick on my feet, and I'm not street smart when it comes to this sort of stuff.
What I want to know is, what are the exact tell-tale signs of someone who is high on pain pills? I want to know from actual users/past users. What should I be watching out for? He has me thinking I'm wrong for accusing him, but I don't think I am.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
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One of the big time tells of opiate use is pin point pupils. My mom always used to know when I was high because I have blue eyes and my pupils used to be so small you basically could not even see them even if I was in a dim or dark room. Other things were that I would always look "tired", I would get very defensive when questioned about ANYTHING and I never wanted someone to "study" me- if someone was in the same room and looked my way I would be like "what are you looking at?" or "what's wrong", if I thought someone was staring at my eyes I would break eye contact, if I thought if someone was looking at me I'd start keeping myself busy/leave the room.
Honestly, there is no 100% tell tales..everyone's personality, emotions, and bodies are different. Also refusing to take a drug test could be because of the obvious reason- he will fail, or it could be for a different reason such as he feels that he is not below you and that he feels you trying to drug test him is putting yourself on a level above him.
I would also just like to point out that if you feel you need to ask your husband to take a drug test that maybe it is time to set some boundaries and what you would do if the boundaries are crossed.
Addiction skews our perception of what is normal and what is not. It is not normal to have to drug test your husband, it is not normal to have to study your husband it is not normal to not feel like you and your husband are a team and on equal standing.
I am saying all of this with care and good intentions..not from a stand point of being rude or mean. It always helped me when people were blunt and just pointed things out.
Honestly, there is no 100% tell tales..everyone's personality, emotions, and bodies are different. Also refusing to take a drug test could be because of the obvious reason- he will fail, or it could be for a different reason such as he feels that he is not below you and that he feels you trying to drug test him is putting yourself on a level above him.
I would also just like to point out that if you feel you need to ask your husband to take a drug test that maybe it is time to set some boundaries and what you would do if the boundaries are crossed.
Addiction skews our perception of what is normal and what is not. It is not normal to have to drug test your husband, it is not normal to have to study your husband it is not normal to not feel like you and your husband are a team and on equal standing.
I am saying all of this with care and good intentions..not from a stand point of being rude or mean. It always helped me when people were blunt and just pointed things out.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by AdelineRose 
One of the big time tells of opiate use is pin point pupils. My mom always used to know when I was high because I have blue eyes and my pupils used to be so small you basically could not even see them even if I was in a dim or dark room. Other things were that I would always look "tired", I would get very defensive when questioned about ANYTHING and I never wanted someone to "study" me- if someone was in the same room and looked my way I would be like "what are you looking at?" or "what's wrong", if I thought someone was staring at my eyes I would break eye contact, if I thought if someone was looking at me I'd start keeping myself busy/leave the room.
YEEEES!!!!! That is EXACTLY the way he acts! Like he's paranoid. And yes, sometime I am "studying" him, other times, I'm not and he's still paranoid. He's told me in the past (when it first all came out that he had a problem) that he would take Percocet or Loratab.
Do you know of a way I can get him to confess it all? I just want him to be honest with me and STOP LYING! I don't want him to have this battle to fight alone, and I don't want this to overtake his (our) lives, but I can't help him if he's not honest with me. I'm so confused. I feel I'm at a point now, where I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore....it's all the same. I just want him to tell it all to me, no secrets. HOw can I do this!?!?
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you could handcuff him like they do in police interrogations, threaten him with a taser, and he is still far more likely to LIE about using than to tell the truth. and if he does tell the truth, it will be a watered down version. a year is a month, $500 is $50, 15 pills a day is a couple a week.
if he gets honest with YOU, he will have to get honest with HIMSELF. he loves those pills, he loves how they make him feel, he believes life is better because of the pills. they have or will become THE most important thing in his life.
you mentioned money being an issue - pills aren't cheap. he's paying for them somehow. probably a very good idea to take a good look at the finances, the bank accounts, credit cards, savings, retirement and credit report. best not to be surprised.
when he was confronted before, he eventually admitted to using. so it's possible you CAN still reach him with a very open frank discussion about what YOU are willing to accept and not accept. drugs IN the house means the kids can find them. if he is under the influence he should not be responsible for child care, left alone with the children, and NEVER drive them. their safety absolutely has to come first.
if he gets honest with YOU, he will have to get honest with HIMSELF. he loves those pills, he loves how they make him feel, he believes life is better because of the pills. they have or will become THE most important thing in his life.
you mentioned money being an issue - pills aren't cheap. he's paying for them somehow. probably a very good idea to take a good look at the finances, the bank accounts, credit cards, savings, retirement and credit report. best not to be surprised.
when he was confronted before, he eventually admitted to using. so it's possible you CAN still reach him with a very open frank discussion about what YOU are willing to accept and not accept. drugs IN the house means the kids can find them. if he is under the influence he should not be responsible for child care, left alone with the children, and NEVER drive them. their safety absolutely has to come first.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 40
I wish I could say pupils were a telltale for my soon to be ex but it wasn't. He was a heroin smoker but his pupils were always smaller than average so I could not really tell the difference.
His behaviour and my gut feeling were always the main indicator for me.
Take care of yourself !
His behaviour and my gut feeling were always the main indicator for me.
Take care of yourself !
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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I just have to laugh at the "kidney stone" excuse.....I have been with gazillions of people passing kidney stones...and, let me tell you, that is not something that goes by without comment!
When my son was drinking and he wanted to deny it...I simply told him that I KNEW that it was and that "It is a statement,,not a question"...."don't bother to deny it, because it is not up for debate or discussion"....Then, I asked him to leave...as he was not allowed to come to the house if he was intoxicated.....
My rule...If you think he is using...he is using. If you already know...then you don't need a confession.
***If he isn't using...he will do a drug test, on the spot.
If my son said..."this isn't fair"....I would say....sorry...this isn't a democracy...and it isn't a courtroom. I am sorry that you were confused about that"
When my son was drinking and he wanted to deny it...I simply told him that I KNEW that it was and that "It is a statement,,not a question"...."don't bother to deny it, because it is not up for debate or discussion"....Then, I asked him to leave...as he was not allowed to come to the house if he was intoxicated.....
My rule...If you think he is using...he is using. If you already know...then you don't need a confession.
***If he isn't using...he will do a drug test, on the spot.
If my son said..."this isn't fair"....I would say....sorry...this isn't a democracy...and it isn't a courtroom. I am sorry that you were confused about that"
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
The "exact tell-tale signs" vary widely from user to user. Think of drunks- there are happy drunks, sad drunks, wild drunks, sleepy drunks, you name it.
Opiates are known as "downers" and most report being very tired on them. But many also report an initial euphoria when the high kicks in that makes them pretty hyper. For some, the hyperness lasts for the entire high.
My STBXH's drug of choice was opiates. His pupils were always tiny. He'd also become flush faced, and the redness would extend all the way to his upper arms. He'd take looooong showers in the morning as soon as he woke up. He'd make several trips to the "store" that took over an hour (the store is right down the street). He'd come back with a soda, which according to our bank statement cost over $20 (he was getting cash back). He'd hang out in the garage "building things"- really weird things. He'd start one project and then move on to the next without ever finishing anything. He once wrapped a drawer in aluminum foil because he thought it looked like stainless steel. He'd take MY things apart, even when I'd beg him not to, to make them "better" and then leave them in pieces because he was busy with his next creation. He built a "castle" in our front yard that is basically a heap of bricks and wood cemented together with no rhyme or reason. It's embarrassing.
Basically, he'd get these bursts of energy and do all these crazy things. Then he'd sit on the couch and nod off. Then he'd go to the bathroom for 20 minutes and come out ready to "work" again.
He was sick at least once a week with the "flu". He'd throw up, had a runny nose, and was super irritable. But his bathroom trips always took care of it.
He didn't want to test for me because I was not the boss of him. Until he finally gave in, and was positive every time. Let me tell you, chances are if your husband does not want to test, he is high. And if he's not high, he owes it to you to prove that he is not after bringing drugs into your house and endangering your kids in the past.
I know you don't want him to "face this battle alone". But if he is in active addiction, he probably doesn't see it as a battle. Addiction is a beast that causes the user to do some pretty intense mental gymnastics to justify it. To him, it's a "morning coffee" or something that he's just doing "one last time" and is going to quit the next day... or tomorrow... or next week... I mean, he's going to get to it someday, so just back off already.
Anyway, like I said, he owes it to you to prove that he is sober.
Opiates are known as "downers" and most report being very tired on them. But many also report an initial euphoria when the high kicks in that makes them pretty hyper. For some, the hyperness lasts for the entire high.
My STBXH's drug of choice was opiates. His pupils were always tiny. He'd also become flush faced, and the redness would extend all the way to his upper arms. He'd take looooong showers in the morning as soon as he woke up. He'd make several trips to the "store" that took over an hour (the store is right down the street). He'd come back with a soda, which according to our bank statement cost over $20 (he was getting cash back). He'd hang out in the garage "building things"- really weird things. He'd start one project and then move on to the next without ever finishing anything. He once wrapped a drawer in aluminum foil because he thought it looked like stainless steel. He'd take MY things apart, even when I'd beg him not to, to make them "better" and then leave them in pieces because he was busy with his next creation. He built a "castle" in our front yard that is basically a heap of bricks and wood cemented together with no rhyme or reason. It's embarrassing.
Basically, he'd get these bursts of energy and do all these crazy things. Then he'd sit on the couch and nod off. Then he'd go to the bathroom for 20 minutes and come out ready to "work" again.
He was sick at least once a week with the "flu". He'd throw up, had a runny nose, and was super irritable. But his bathroom trips always took care of it.
He didn't want to test for me because I was not the boss of him. Until he finally gave in, and was positive every time. Let me tell you, chances are if your husband does not want to test, he is high. And if he's not high, he owes it to you to prove that he is not after bringing drugs into your house and endangering your kids in the past.
I know you don't want him to "face this battle alone". But if he is in active addiction, he probably doesn't see it as a battle. Addiction is a beast that causes the user to do some pretty intense mental gymnastics to justify it. To him, it's a "morning coffee" or something that he's just doing "one last time" and is going to quit the next day... or tomorrow... or next week... I mean, he's going to get to it someday, so just back off already.
Anyway, like I said, he owes it to you to prove that he is sober.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Do you know of a way I can get him to confess it all?
I don't want him to have this battle to fight alone, and I don't want this to overtake his (our) lives, but I can't help him if he's not honest with me.
. I'm so confused. I feel I'm at a point now, where I can't tell the truth from a lie anymore....it's all the same. I just want him to tell it all to me, no secrets. HOw can I do this!?!?
The only truth with an active addict is that the drugs will always come first, before you before the kids before paying bills buying groceries a job and no matter how many words he uses only his actions will tell you the truth.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 89
Originally Posted by dandylion
I just have to laugh at the "kidney stone" excuse.....I have been with gazillions of people passing kidney stones...and, let me tell you, that is not something that goes by without comment!
When my son was drinking and he wanted to deny it...I simply told him that I KNEW that it was and that "It is a statement,,not a question"...."don't bother to deny it, because it is not up for debate or discussion"....Then, I asked him to leave...as he was not allowed to come to the house if he was intoxicated.....
My rule...If you think he is using...he is using. If you already know...then you don't need a confession.
***If he isn't using...he will do a drug test, on the spot.
If my son said..."this isn't fair"....I would say....sorry...this isn't a democracy...and it isn't a courtroom. I am sorry that you were confused about that"
When my son was drinking and he wanted to deny it...I simply told him that I KNEW that it was and that "It is a statement,,not a question"...."don't bother to deny it, because it is not up for debate or discussion"....Then, I asked him to leave...as he was not allowed to come to the house if he was intoxicated.....
My rule...If you think he is using...he is using. If you already know...then you don't need a confession.
***If he isn't using...he will do a drug test, on the spot.
If my son said..."this isn't fair"....I would say....sorry...this isn't a democracy...and it isn't a courtroom. I am sorry that you were confused about that"
I have kidney stones. They bring you to your knees. Definitely not something discreet!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 16
Sorry you're going through this. I've only recently accepted - from my experience with my RAH - that as much as I want to HEAR and KNOW the truth from him, I never will know for sure if it is actually the truth. Unfortunately, lying and manipulation are two trademark signs of a user. Once my husband entered rehab, he started telling me more of the "truth"... which grows and grows each week into something more than what he'd previously shared. "Oh, heroin.. just a stupid habit I picked up a few months back, I can quit anytime" turned into "The withdrawals were absolute hell because I'd been doing it for the last 2 years" turned into "Oh yeah and when I was doing opiates and cocaine for the past 4 years". I'm not even shocked now with each new reveal... it's kind of like 'eh alright, add it to the list' of ways you deceived me'.
In terms of behavior that I know realize was drug-related... when my husband would go grocery shopping and it would take 4 hours (because he was out buying/doing drugs); when he would get horribly ill any time we took a plane anywhere (because he couldn't risk bringing drugs with him to the airport); when he suddenly had a bizarre reason he just had to leave the house that second; when he would lock himself in the bathroom for an hour at a time, multiple times a night; when he was sick all the time; when he drained our joint checking accout with multiple cash withdrawals each day in large sums; when he never had any money period; when he totaled my car; when he lost his job out of the blue. My husband was very heavy into his use so I think he may have been at the extreme end of some of these behaviors... but just some things you might want to keep in mind, even if to lesser degrees. Please take care!
In terms of behavior that I know realize was drug-related... when my husband would go grocery shopping and it would take 4 hours (because he was out buying/doing drugs); when he would get horribly ill any time we took a plane anywhere (because he couldn't risk bringing drugs with him to the airport); when he suddenly had a bizarre reason he just had to leave the house that second; when he would lock himself in the bathroom for an hour at a time, multiple times a night; when he was sick all the time; when he drained our joint checking accout with multiple cash withdrawals each day in large sums; when he never had any money period; when he totaled my car; when he lost his job out of the blue. My husband was very heavy into his use so I think he may have been at the extreme end of some of these behaviors... but just some things you might want to keep in mind, even if to lesser degrees. Please take care!
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
Nothing
Nothing in the world makes someone's pupils not change with light, or constrict, short of a seizure besides opiates. They will say the most rediculius things re causing it. If his pupils aren't moving, he's high. 100%
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
but I can't help him if he's not honest with me.****
Unfortunately, I don't think he's looking for help. He's looking to hide it, and continue using. He admitted it the first time when he was caught. He hasn't asked for help. He probably doesn't think its a problem. You can't help someone who does not believe they have a problem.
Unfortunately, I don't think he's looking for help. He's looking to hide it, and continue using. He admitted it the first time when he was caught. He hasn't asked for help. He probably doesn't think its a problem. You can't help someone who does not believe they have a problem.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 25
I'm really sorry but it seems obvious he is using...
here is the flip side to the drug test.
My AH is an alcoholic that also uses drugs whenever offered. he admitted to snorting morphine pills and heroin occasionally.
At this point I had already been here at SR and knew this was likely a load of bull and there was a solid chance he was hooked on far more than just vodka.
On a particularly drunk day for him, he kept falling asleep in his chair and I immediately suspected him of using. I ran out and bought a drug test and asked him to take it. He very smugly immediately went and peed - it was all negative. It was the ultimate "I told ya so" prove me wrong moment. It also served to help him later if I were to ask again since this time I was so wrong...
I'm pretty sure if he knew he would test negative, he would LOVE to get that satisfaction of the "Told ya soooooo!!!".
here is the flip side to the drug test.
My AH is an alcoholic that also uses drugs whenever offered. he admitted to snorting morphine pills and heroin occasionally.
At this point I had already been here at SR and knew this was likely a load of bull and there was a solid chance he was hooked on far more than just vodka.
On a particularly drunk day for him, he kept falling asleep in his chair and I immediately suspected him of using. I ran out and bought a drug test and asked him to take it. He very smugly immediately went and peed - it was all negative. It was the ultimate "I told ya so" prove me wrong moment. It also served to help him later if I were to ask again since this time I was so wrong...
I'm pretty sure if he knew he would test negative, he would LOVE to get that satisfaction of the "Told ya soooooo!!!".
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