Need advice with Addict Boyfriend..
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Today I decided to reach out to his recent ex sponsor. He confirmed without actually saying that he is in fact using again. I'm so sad to actually know this information, but at the same time I feel freer knowing the truth. It really helps me understand why he's done these things to me recently. The cheating, lying and stealing. Now time to heal.
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I have to admit this has been tough. He's not in a goood place and is begging to see me. How sorry he is and how well he doesn't feel. I know he has no one in his life to help him, including his own family. Even after everything he's done, I'm a natural care giver and it's so hard to deny him help. I'm doing the right thing by being cold and refusing to help?
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He's choosing to drown. Your only choice is whether you let him take you down with him...or choose to move on with a life free from the insanity of addiction.
Please, please stay away, far, far away, and read everything you can on codependency and all of the threads here from really wonderful people whose lives have been destroyed by trying to love an addict into recovery.
It's bad enough he's using...his crimes take it to another level of danger for you.
There are plenty of resources for him to get help that don't involve holding your life hostage.
Just don't.
ETA: Go back and read your first post and pretend you're hearing this story from a friend...20 year addiction, identity theft, cheating, parents finally giving up, trying to police his drug use...wouldn't you tell her to RUN!!? You haven't even been in this relationship for a year?
RUN.
Please, please stay away, far, far away, and read everything you can on codependency and all of the threads here from really wonderful people whose lives have been destroyed by trying to love an addict into recovery.
It's bad enough he's using...his crimes take it to another level of danger for you.
There are plenty of resources for him to get help that don't involve holding your life hostage.
Just don't.
ETA: Go back and read your first post and pretend you're hearing this story from a friend...20 year addiction, identity theft, cheating, parents finally giving up, trying to police his drug use...wouldn't you tell her to RUN!!? You haven't even been in this relationship for a year?
RUN.
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You know how on airplanes they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to help your children, etc?
[Because if you pass out, who's going to help them?!]
This is like that. Until you get yourself healthy, you really don't have anything to give to anyone else. I've always been a care-taker too. As good as my intentions were, they've never helped another addict to get well. As sad and hard as it sounds, I think the best thing you can do for him is to stay away and let him hit bottom. Funny coincidence, that's the best thing you can do for yourself as well.
Taking care of YOU is the most important thing.
When I can't decide which way to go, I remind myself that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
[Because if you pass out, who's going to help them?!]
This is like that. Until you get yourself healthy, you really don't have anything to give to anyone else. I've always been a care-taker too. As good as my intentions were, they've never helped another addict to get well. As sad and hard as it sounds, I think the best thing you can do for him is to stay away and let him hit bottom. Funny coincidence, that's the best thing you can do for yourself as well.
Taking care of YOU is the most important thing.
When I can't decide which way to go, I remind myself that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
He's choosing to drown. Your only choice is whether you let him take you down with him...or choose to move on with a life free from the insanity of addiction.
Please, please stay away, far, far away, and read everything you can on codependency and all of the threads here from really wonderful people whose lives have been destroyed by trying to love an addict into recovery.
It's bad enough he's using...his crimes take it to another level of danger for you.
There are plenty of resources for him to get help that don't involve holding your life hostage.
Just don't.
ETA: Go back and read your first post and pretend you're hearing this story from a friend...20 year addiction, identity theft, cheating, parents finally giving up, trying to police his drug use...wouldn't you tell her to RUN!!? You haven't even been in this relationship for a year?
RUN.
Please, please stay away, far, far away, and read everything you can on codependency and all of the threads here from really wonderful people whose lives have been destroyed by trying to love an addict into recovery.
It's bad enough he's using...his crimes take it to another level of danger for you.
There are plenty of resources for him to get help that don't involve holding your life hostage.
Just don't.
ETA: Go back and read your first post and pretend you're hearing this story from a friend...20 year addiction, identity theft, cheating, parents finally giving up, trying to police his drug use...wouldn't you tell her to RUN!!? You haven't even been in this relationship for a year?
RUN.
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Originally Posted by darkling
You know how on airplanes they tell you to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before trying to help your children, etc?
[Because if you pass out, who's going to help them?!]
This is like that. Until you get yourself healthy, you really don't have anything to give to anyone else. I've always been a care-taker too. As good as my intentions were, they've never helped another addict to get well. As sad and hard as it sounds, I think the best thing you can do for him is to stay away and let him hit bottom. Funny coincidence, that's the best thing you can do for yourself as well.
Taking care of YOU is the most important thing.
When I can't decide which way to go, I remind myself that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
[Because if you pass out, who's going to help them?!]
This is like that. Until you get yourself healthy, you really don't have anything to give to anyone else. I've always been a care-taker too. As good as my intentions were, they've never helped another addict to get well. As sad and hard as it sounds, I think the best thing you can do for him is to stay away and let him hit bottom. Funny coincidence, that's the best thing you can do for yourself as well.
Taking care of YOU is the most important thing.
When I can't decide which way to go, I remind myself that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
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Location: the real world
Posts: 166
Yeah, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Sad thing is, it's where I find myself right now too.
I'd tell every and any one else who found themself in my weird situation to
Really, saying these things to others in similar situations makes me look at what I am doing: the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. [aka: Insanity.]
You sharing your story helps me more than you realize. Thank you!
Sad thing is, it's where I find myself right now too.
I'd tell every and any one else who found themself in my weird situation to
Really, saying these things to others in similar situations makes me look at what I am doing: the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. [aka: Insanity.]
You sharing your story helps me more than you realize. Thank you!
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Good for you! You're doing all the right things for both of you, actually, as hard as it seems. As long as he can use you as his shield, he can avoid the consequences for a while longer. No contact is the best way through.
His next move is likely to be to find a new girlfriend in a bar somewhere and throw that it in your face, trying to manipulate you through jealousy. Be ready?
Just remember...his father stood by him for 20 years. The fact that he now has "no one in his life to help him" is because of how he treated those who tried for two decades.
It's not your responsibility to clean up his mess.
P.S. Everyone who has loved an addict has felt brainwashed. They're masters at that...because they have to be.
His next move is likely to be to find a new girlfriend in a bar somewhere and throw that it in your face, trying to manipulate you through jealousy. Be ready?
Just remember...his father stood by him for 20 years. The fact that he now has "no one in his life to help him" is because of how he treated those who tried for two decades.
It's not your responsibility to clean up his mess.
P.S. Everyone who has loved an addict has felt brainwashed. They're masters at that...because they have to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Good for you! You're doing all the right things for both of you, actually, as hard as it seems. As long as he can use you as his shield, he can avoid the consequences for a while longer. No contact is the best way through.
His next move is likely to be to find a new girlfriend in a bar somewhere and throw that it in your face, trying to manipulate you through jealousy. Be ready?
Just remember...his father stood by him for 20 years. The fact that he now has "no one in his life to help him" is because of how he treated those who tried for two decades.
It's not your responsibility to clean up his mess.
P.S. Everyone who has loved an addict has felt brainwashed. They're masters at that...because they have to be.
His next move is likely to be to find a new girlfriend in a bar somewhere and throw that it in your face, trying to manipulate you through jealousy. Be ready?
Just remember...his father stood by him for 20 years. The fact that he now has "no one in his life to help him" is because of how he treated those who tried for two decades.
It's not your responsibility to clean up his mess.
P.S. Everyone who has loved an addict has felt brainwashed. They're masters at that...because they have to be.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by darkling
Yeah, been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
Sad thing is, it's where I find myself right now too.
I'd tell every and any one else who found themself in my weird situation to
Really, saying these things to others in similar situations makes me look at what I am doing: the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. [aka: Insanity.]
You sharing your story helps me more than you realize. Thank you!
Sad thing is, it's where I find myself right now too.
I'd tell every and any one else who found themself in my weird situation to
Really, saying these things to others in similar situations makes me look at what I am doing: the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. [aka: Insanity.]
You sharing your story helps me more than you realize. Thank you!
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Originally Posted by Brooklynd77
I have to admit this has been tough. He's not in a goood place and is begging to see me. How sorry he is and how well he doesn't feel. I know he has no one in his life to help him, including his own family. Even after everything he's done, I'm a natural care giver and it's so hard to deny him help. I'm doing the right thing by being cold and refusing to help?
In addition to this, the price you'd pay for coming to his rescue would be ginormous. And you've already paid a big price.
This doesn't mean that you don't care for him, or want the best for him. What it does mean is you've accepted that he cannot be helped unless he turns things around. There is no evidence that he wants to.
Take care of you.
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But I guess what I'm confused about is, the last I spoke with him, he said he's not on anything other than pain pills he takes for his back.
well, first, you are assuming he is telling you the truth. pretty sure he's proven the fallacy of that approach, right? also many times addicts conveniently leave off parts of sentences or statements - like the joke:
I don't do drugs anymore.
Or any less.
sweets, you could analyze every word he has ever said, look for hidden meaning, try to crack the code and divine the secrets, and you'd just be wasting your time.
All I want to do is see him, have him say the right words to comfort me and make me feel like he'll be ok, and I do the same for him. But I know that feeling will only be temporary. He'll feel better and I the same, just for the moment.. then I know he'll just go home and use. I feel tough love really will help push him to the bottom, where he needs to be. And since he has no one in his life outside of me, I'm hoping this really will do the trick.
we cannot expect those that HURT us to also HEAL us.
to some degree, you are wanting to use HIM to make YOU feel OK. like he's YOUR pill, or hit, or swig or toke.
you are NOT in control of his destiny and you do not have the POWER to push him to his bottom. it doesn't work that way. in many ways "the bottom" is a myth - there's just this turning point for SOME addicts, like finding the end of a tunnel bricked off. many addicts keep
, but some turn around and start trying to find their way out. and NO ONE can do that FOR them.
i know it feels good to tell yourself "i'm the only he has" - it gives you a sense of purpose, of power, and hero-ship. but trust me, you are NOT the only person in his life. he has people from meetings, his "ex" sponsor for starters. he has the people he gets drugs from. also probably other "people" that he has hidden from you. he HAS family.
but you are not standing there with the cooler holding his new lung, offering his only hope for life.
well, first, you are assuming he is telling you the truth. pretty sure he's proven the fallacy of that approach, right? also many times addicts conveniently leave off parts of sentences or statements - like the joke:
I don't do drugs anymore.
Or any less.
sweets, you could analyze every word he has ever said, look for hidden meaning, try to crack the code and divine the secrets, and you'd just be wasting your time.
All I want to do is see him, have him say the right words to comfort me and make me feel like he'll be ok, and I do the same for him. But I know that feeling will only be temporary. He'll feel better and I the same, just for the moment.. then I know he'll just go home and use. I feel tough love really will help push him to the bottom, where he needs to be. And since he has no one in his life outside of me, I'm hoping this really will do the trick.
we cannot expect those that HURT us to also HEAL us.
to some degree, you are wanting to use HIM to make YOU feel OK. like he's YOUR pill, or hit, or swig or toke.
you are NOT in control of his destiny and you do not have the POWER to push him to his bottom. it doesn't work that way. in many ways "the bottom" is a myth - there's just this turning point for SOME addicts, like finding the end of a tunnel bricked off. many addicts keep
, but some turn around and start trying to find their way out. and NO ONE can do that FOR them. i know it feels good to tell yourself "i'm the only he has" - it gives you a sense of purpose, of power, and hero-ship. but trust me, you are NOT the only person in his life. he has people from meetings, his "ex" sponsor for starters. he has the people he gets drugs from. also probably other "people" that he has hidden from you. he HAS family.
but you are not standing there with the cooler holding his new lung, offering his only hope for life.
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This relationship will only lead to misery. It's not your job to save him, nor could you even if you wanted. That's the hard truth. Stay with him and he will drag you down and you will drown along with him. It sound harsh, but it's the truth. Run as fast as you can. Don't listen to his sob stories. He's an addict. That's what we do.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
But I guess what I'm confused about is, the last I spoke with him, he said he's not on anything other than pain pills he takes for his back.
well, first, you are assuming he is telling you the truth. pretty sure he's proven the fallacy of that approach, right? also many times addicts conveniently leave off parts of sentences or statements - like the joke:
I don't do drugs anymore.
Or any less.
sweets, you could analyze every word he has ever said, look for hidden meaning, try to crack the code and divine the secrets, and you'd just be wasting your time.
All I want to do is see him, have him say the right words to comfort me and make me feel like he'll be ok, and I do the same for him. But I know that feeling will only be temporary. He'll feel better and I the same, just for the moment.. then I know he'll just go home and use. I feel tough love really will help push him to the bottom, where he needs to be. And since he has no one in his life outside of me, I'm hoping this really will do the trick.
we cannot expect those that HURT us to also HEAL us.
to some degree, you are wanting to use HIM to make YOU feel OK. like he's YOUR pill, or hit, or swig or toke.
you are NOT in control of his destiny and you do not have the POWER to push him to his bottom. it doesn't work that way. in many ways "the bottom" is a myth - there's just this turning point for SOME addicts, like finding the end of a tunnel bricked off. many addicts keep, but some turn around and start trying to find their way out. and NO ONE can do that FOR them.
i know it feels good to tell yourself "i'm the only he has" - it gives you a sense of purpose, of power, and hero-ship. but trust me, you are NOT the only person in his life. he has people from meetings, his "ex" sponsor for starters. he has the people he gets drugs from. also probably other "people" that he has hidden from you. he HAS family.
but you are not standing there with the cooler holding his new lung, offering his only hope for life.
well, first, you are assuming he is telling you the truth. pretty sure he's proven the fallacy of that approach, right? also many times addicts conveniently leave off parts of sentences or statements - like the joke:
I don't do drugs anymore.
Or any less.
sweets, you could analyze every word he has ever said, look for hidden meaning, try to crack the code and divine the secrets, and you'd just be wasting your time.
All I want to do is see him, have him say the right words to comfort me and make me feel like he'll be ok, and I do the same for him. But I know that feeling will only be temporary. He'll feel better and I the same, just for the moment.. then I know he'll just go home and use. I feel tough love really will help push him to the bottom, where he needs to be. And since he has no one in his life outside of me, I'm hoping this really will do the trick.
we cannot expect those that HURT us to also HEAL us.
to some degree, you are wanting to use HIM to make YOU feel OK. like he's YOUR pill, or hit, or swig or toke.
you are NOT in control of his destiny and you do not have the POWER to push him to his bottom. it doesn't work that way. in many ways "the bottom" is a myth - there's just this turning point for SOME addicts, like finding the end of a tunnel bricked off. many addicts keep
, but some turn around and start trying to find their way out. and NO ONE can do that FOR them. i know it feels good to tell yourself "i'm the only he has" - it gives you a sense of purpose, of power, and hero-ship. but trust me, you are NOT the only person in his life. he has people from meetings, his "ex" sponsor for starters. he has the people he gets drugs from. also probably other "people" that he has hidden from you. he HAS family.
but you are not standing there with the cooler holding his new lung, offering his only hope for life.
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Originally Posted by NewRomanMan
This relationship will only lead to misery. It's not your job to save him, nor could you even if you wanted. That's the hard truth. Stay with him and he will drag you down and you will drown along with him. It sound harsh, but it's the truth. Run as fast as you can. Don't listen to his sob stories. He's an addict. That's what we do.
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As I'm finally starting to find my way out of the clouds, his ex girlfriend messages me letting me know she is pregnant and that he cheated on me while we were together. And the hurt has started all over again. As I've blocked him completely from my life, and her as soon as I got that message, I'm finding it so hard to deal with even more of this pain. I'm in disbelief and I'm not sure why. He was capable of of doing everything else, so why not this?
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He doesn't care who he hurts.
I know that for me, being deceived is the worst kind of pain, because I always feel like I should have known better. But clearly this guy is really really good at conning people.
Poor her...now she's pregnant with his child and will be either raising the baby by herself with no help from him or will waste years of her life trying to remake him into a responsible parent.
At least you can walk away without that.
Now block her. You're going to be okay.
I know that for me, being deceived is the worst kind of pain, because I always feel like I should have known better. But clearly this guy is really really good at conning people.
Poor her...now she's pregnant with his child and will be either raising the baby by herself with no help from him or will waste years of her life trying to remake him into a responsible parent.
At least you can walk away without that.
Now block her. You're going to be okay.
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Oh I am sure he is sorry. Sorry he is dope sick (you realize that's why he is not feeling well right), sorry he is out of money, and of course, and sorry he cannot manipulate you.
What would you tell your daughter or best friend if you had them coming to you in this same situation. I find if you follow that advise yourself, it will likely lead you down the right path.
YOU DESERVE MORE.
What would you tell your daughter or best friend if you had them coming to you in this same situation. I find if you follow that advise yourself, it will likely lead you down the right path.
YOU DESERVE MORE.
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She is blocked, but unfortunately one of my friends decided to look at her Facebook page and saw her sonogram post, saying how things always work out as they should have. Throughout our entire relationship somehow she got my number and she was texting me, trying to ruin our relationship, and now she's just gloating. I could never understand why she couldn't just move on. So, she waited until she had a chance to swoop in, when he was using and at his worst, to meet up with him, sleep with him and trap him with this pregnancy. But, now I'm happy to be free of him and that he's not my responsibility any longer.
To make myself feel better, I wrote out a letter to her that I will never send. For some reason I feel like sharing it with you guys..
I'm sorry, but when have I ever wanted to converse with you? Have I ever responded to anything you've sent me? You've been texting me so often that I almost saw fit to go talk to the police about harassment charges. Especially, seeing how creepy it was that you even had access to my phone number, much less the gall to actually use it as often as you did. I honestly just felt embarrassed for you.
I'll save you the trouble in telling me he's cheated on me with you and how you're pregnant. Yes, I'm very aware. How proud you must be! And I have to say, what a role model you must be for your daughter! Sleeping with a taken man in his parked car with no protection! Very classy indeed!
So, yes go ahead and rub it in my face - you've definitely won! You've won a baby daddy who's an addict. Not just with drugs but also with women - not to mention one who spends $1000's on porn as well. You've won a baby daddy who lies, steals and commits fraud with your money and credit cards as well as your neighbors. Oh and don't forget, cheats! If you don't think he'll do this to you, then you're one of those pathetic women I pity.
So, congratulations on being bound to this man for the next 18 years.
A man who will drive you completely insane as he did me. A man who will sneak out to do drugs when you're in the shower, who will step outside to smoke to but really is texting some random girl back. A man who will j***off to porn all day while you're at work. A man who will run to get smokes but really is running to the pawn shop to sell your precious item to get money for more drugs and porn. A man who will never have child support because he's too busy buying said items above. Ultimately, a man who doesn't love himself and could never love anyone else because of this fact.
So, take pride in the fact that, yes, you finally won this battle! Congratulations, Take care!
To make myself feel better, I wrote out a letter to her that I will never send. For some reason I feel like sharing it with you guys..
I'm sorry, but when have I ever wanted to converse with you? Have I ever responded to anything you've sent me? You've been texting me so often that I almost saw fit to go talk to the police about harassment charges. Especially, seeing how creepy it was that you even had access to my phone number, much less the gall to actually use it as often as you did. I honestly just felt embarrassed for you.
I'll save you the trouble in telling me he's cheated on me with you and how you're pregnant. Yes, I'm very aware. How proud you must be! And I have to say, what a role model you must be for your daughter! Sleeping with a taken man in his parked car with no protection! Very classy indeed!
So, yes go ahead and rub it in my face - you've definitely won! You've won a baby daddy who's an addict. Not just with drugs but also with women - not to mention one who spends $1000's on porn as well. You've won a baby daddy who lies, steals and commits fraud with your money and credit cards as well as your neighbors. Oh and don't forget, cheats! If you don't think he'll do this to you, then you're one of those pathetic women I pity.
So, congratulations on being bound to this man for the next 18 years.
A man who will drive you completely insane as he did me. A man who will sneak out to do drugs when you're in the shower, who will step outside to smoke to but really is texting some random girl back. A man who will j***off to porn all day while you're at work. A man who will run to get smokes but really is running to the pawn shop to sell your precious item to get money for more drugs and porn. A man who will never have child support because he's too busy buying said items above. Ultimately, a man who doesn't love himself and could never love anyone else because of this fact.
So, take pride in the fact that, yes, you finally won this battle! Congratulations, Take care!
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