On the issue of improvement
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 30
On the issue of improvement
I wanted to write a little bit about improvement/change in addicts, and our role in it.
Over the past few months, I feel that I learned a lot, although it's an ongoing process and I still have a lot to learn. I see so many posts about people struggling with their addicts and wanting them to change.
The conclusion I've reached, time and time again, is that.... there's nothing we can do. It's a sad and difficult realization. We all hope that there's something we can do. But in the end....
We can't control other people.
We cannot make decisions for them.
We cannot walk this road for them.
We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.
It's hard. There's nothing harder to realize when you love someone. But this is it.
All the best.
Over the past few months, I feel that I learned a lot, although it's an ongoing process and I still have a lot to learn. I see so many posts about people struggling with their addicts and wanting them to change.
The conclusion I've reached, time and time again, is that.... there's nothing we can do. It's a sad and difficult realization. We all hope that there's something we can do. But in the end....
We can't control other people.
We cannot make decisions for them.
We cannot walk this road for them.
We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.
It's hard. There's nothing harder to realize when you love someone. But this is it.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Lovemyson101 - It took a while for me to really "get" that. In so many aspects of our lives, if something goes wrong, well we figure out the solution and execute it. Then move on... With addiction, that is just not how it ever works.
"We can't control other people.
We cannot make decisions for them."
Once you understand this it permeates through all relationships in your life, not just relationships with addicts. It has made me realize I cannot control my family, my friends, my son. I can only advise, and hope they make the right decisions.
"We can't control other people.
We cannot make decisions for them."
Once you understand this it permeates through all relationships in your life, not just relationships with addicts. It has made me realize I cannot control my family, my friends, my son. I can only advise, and hope they make the right decisions.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Lovemyson101,
"We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it."
In addition to being clueless about addiction I, like many (most?) other parents of addicts, was consumed with guilt when my daughter's addiction first came to light.
Unlike many others, since I was clueless prior to her own admission and plea for help - I did not have to endure the constant worry of her being in active addiction - this was a blessing; they say that ignorance is bliss and in this case it really was.
She was addicted to heroin and at the time of her plea for help - fentanyl laced heroin had arrived in our area, many young people were dying from overdoses.
In 20/20 hindsight, I believe it was the deaths of several of her "using friends"that first lead her to detox twice on her own and then quickly relapse and finally scared her enough to seek help for her own addiction.
We arranged admission to a good rehab and she went willingly - eagerly in fact. We relaxed - she was safe, clean, and surrounded by people who cared for her and were showing her the way to recovery.
Once the potential crisis was averted, we could relax about her safety. But the guilt and self-doubt continued and actually grew bigger and bigger by the day.
Somehow her addiction must have been caused by some shortcoming on our part! I engaged in what I now call the "shoulda-woulda-coulda" mental scenarios constantly.
Luckily, we found Nar-anon fairly early on in this journey and heard the "3C's". I discovered that if one can really accept the 3C's as pure truth - the guilt goes away. There is nothing you could have done then, now or in the future that will change the addict's behavior - that is totally up to them.
Keep coming back,
Jim
"We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it."
In addition to being clueless about addiction I, like many (most?) other parents of addicts, was consumed with guilt when my daughter's addiction first came to light.
Unlike many others, since I was clueless prior to her own admission and plea for help - I did not have to endure the constant worry of her being in active addiction - this was a blessing; they say that ignorance is bliss and in this case it really was.
She was addicted to heroin and at the time of her plea for help - fentanyl laced heroin had arrived in our area, many young people were dying from overdoses.
In 20/20 hindsight, I believe it was the deaths of several of her "using friends"that first lead her to detox twice on her own and then quickly relapse and finally scared her enough to seek help for her own addiction.
We arranged admission to a good rehab and she went willingly - eagerly in fact. We relaxed - she was safe, clean, and surrounded by people who cared for her and were showing her the way to recovery.
Once the potential crisis was averted, we could relax about her safety. But the guilt and self-doubt continued and actually grew bigger and bigger by the day.
Somehow her addiction must have been caused by some shortcoming on our part! I engaged in what I now call the "shoulda-woulda-coulda" mental scenarios constantly.
Luckily, we found Nar-anon fairly early on in this journey and heard the "3C's". I discovered that if one can really accept the 3C's as pure truth - the guilt goes away. There is nothing you could have done then, now or in the future that will change the addict's behavior - that is totally up to them.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 30
You are extremely lucky, Jim. There's nothing worse than seeing someone you know well change so much, and so negatively, under the influence of drugs.
Accepting the fact that there's nothing we can to stop the madness is also good for the addicts in our lives, counter-intuitively as these things usually are... rescuing, bailing out, and attempting to control them will help no one.
But my guilt as a mother is still, irrationally, there.
Accepting the fact that there's nothing we can to stop the madness is also good for the addicts in our lives, counter-intuitively as these things usually are... rescuing, bailing out, and attempting to control them will help no one.
But my guilt as a mother is still, irrationally, there.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
A long time ago, before I let go and before my son disappeared, we had a sober conversation and he told me that he KNEW how much we loved him...good days and bad...no matter what. And we know he loves us, no matter where life leads any of us.
To me, that was "enough", that was all I needed and all he needed and the only gift we could give to each other, the knowledge that our love was bigger than anything life could hand either one of us.
With that conversation, I left behind my feelings of guilt, as did he. It lightened our burden significantly.
Lovemyson, those are wise words and the cold hard truth. Acceptance is the biggest step on any road to recovery, accepting what we cannot change (others) and changing what we can (ourselves).
Thank you for posting this, even old timers like me need the reminder.
To me, that was "enough", that was all I needed and all he needed and the only gift we could give to each other, the knowledge that our love was bigger than anything life could hand either one of us.
With that conversation, I left behind my feelings of guilt, as did he. It lightened our burden significantly.
We can't control other people.
We cannot make decisions for them.
We cannot walk this road for them.
We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.
We cannot make decisions for them.
We cannot walk this road for them.
We didn't cause it, we can't control it, we can't cure it.
Thank you for posting this, even old timers like me need the reminder.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
