Addiction, the gift that keeps on giving
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Addiction, the gift that keeps on giving
I haven't been on this site in many years...my daughter was a heroin addict that has been on Methadone for many years now. And I guess this is the new normal. I have to say, there have been ups and downs throughout the past 10 years. I now have a new grandson that I love dearly and is 5 years old. (he spent 6 weeks in NICU after being born addicted to methadone)
I just find that my anger is always simmering just under my skin. I had told my daughter when she got pregnant, (single mom), that if she wanted to keep this baby that I would not be a baby sitter....ha ha ha. Jokes on me. I've been the only baby sitter since he was born. I work full time 12 hour shifts and I have been my daughters cheerleader, support, taxi service, respite care (my grandson has severe ADHD).
Today I finally snapped....she called this morning and asked for me to babysit as she had to do her weekly trip to the methadone clinic and my grandbaby is home sick from school.... I told her I had been avoiding her as when she calls, she always needs something. I'm just so sick of everything.
I'm sick of hearing about how she has PTSD because of things that happened when she was on the streets. I'm sick of her not working because of all the therapy that she goes to ....all the health issues from the drug use, sleep apnea, anxiety, ptsd.
I'm angry!!!
I just find that my anger is always simmering just under my skin. I had told my daughter when she got pregnant, (single mom), that if she wanted to keep this baby that I would not be a baby sitter....ha ha ha. Jokes on me. I've been the only baby sitter since he was born. I work full time 12 hour shifts and I have been my daughters cheerleader, support, taxi service, respite care (my grandson has severe ADHD).
Today I finally snapped....she called this morning and asked for me to babysit as she had to do her weekly trip to the methadone clinic and my grandbaby is home sick from school.... I told her I had been avoiding her as when she calls, she always needs something. I'm just so sick of everything.
I'm sick of hearing about how she has PTSD because of things that happened when she was on the streets. I'm sick of her not working because of all the therapy that she goes to ....all the health issues from the drug use, sleep apnea, anxiety, ptsd.
I'm angry!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome back, I remember you and am glad things are a little better with your daughter....but it sounds like not so good with you.
Expecting you to do anything after working a 12 hour shift is selfish and unreasonable. I'd be angry too.
I'd be angry and then I would set some boudaries, and make them clear and stick to them. A good starter would be "I am not available to babysit without discussing it and agreeing to it at an earlier date." And the enforcement would be refusing the request or not answering the phone.
If you struggle with boundaries, and most of us do, maybe find yourself a meeting and go to regain your balance and get back on a healthy track.
It's hard to stand firm when a child is involved....but it is also unfair for anyone else to use that child to play the guilt card to get what they want. Think about that for a bit, you don't have to agree to do anything. Your health is just as important as anyone else's.
Glad you came back, hope you find some comfort and courage here.
Hugs
Expecting you to do anything after working a 12 hour shift is selfish and unreasonable. I'd be angry too.
I'd be angry and then I would set some boudaries, and make them clear and stick to them. A good starter would be "I am not available to babysit without discussing it and agreeing to it at an earlier date." And the enforcement would be refusing the request or not answering the phone.
If you struggle with boundaries, and most of us do, maybe find yourself a meeting and go to regain your balance and get back on a healthy track.
It's hard to stand firm when a child is involved....but it is also unfair for anyone else to use that child to play the guilt card to get what they want. Think about that for a bit, you don't have to agree to do anything. Your health is just as important as anyone else's.
Glad you came back, hope you find some comfort and courage here.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I think anyone in your shoes would have snapped just like you did. If there were not grandchildren in the mix, I imagine you would take the opportunity to erect and enforce impermeable boundaries. The fact your AD will not accept responsibility for her choices should tell you all you need to know as to what the future likely holds.
So it's OK to be angry. In fact, it's normal to be angry. Just make sure that anger does not color your reason.
So it's OK to be angry. In fact, it's normal to be angry. Just make sure that anger does not color your reason.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Wow, I have to say, coming back to sober recovery is like coming home. Some familiar faces and a lot of new ones. I was a little nervous yesterday posting. I thought...People are going to tell me I'm a horrible grandmother....
Funny how at this age I'm still fragile. So I just wanted to thank you guys for being soooo kind.
I have to say, this experience has changed me, deep in my DNA. It took a long time before I was able to smile and laugh again. And I have to say, if I'm ever telling my story to someone new, the tears are still there and they overflow easily. I lost family on this journey but funny how friends stuck by.
Of course, many things to be thankful for, and the number one thing is my daughters life....but number 2!!!! Sober Recovery!!!! I tell everyone that this site saved MY life. I work in a hospital, and anytime I run into some parent or family member dealing with addiction, I send them here.
Funny how at this age I'm still fragile. So I just wanted to thank you guys for being soooo kind.
I have to say, this experience has changed me, deep in my DNA. It took a long time before I was able to smile and laugh again. And I have to say, if I'm ever telling my story to someone new, the tears are still there and they overflow easily. I lost family on this journey but funny how friends stuck by.
Of course, many things to be thankful for, and the number one thing is my daughters life....but number 2!!!! Sober Recovery!!!! I tell everyone that this site saved MY life. I work in a hospital, and anytime I run into some parent or family member dealing with addiction, I send them here.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
We're glad you are home.
Back in more troubling times, the more I tried to save my son, the more I lost myself. At one point the insanity of my life just became blurred by dysfunction on all sides.
When I worked on me, I found my balance (and sanity) again. In the end, I never did save my son, he's been missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. But I did find a life worth living, and see beauty and joy in each day...my son's care is now in God's hands.
You are among friends here who truly understand your pain. We're walking with you all the way.
Hugs
Back in more troubling times, the more I tried to save my son, the more I lost myself. At one point the insanity of my life just became blurred by dysfunction on all sides.
When I worked on me, I found my balance (and sanity) again. In the end, I never did save my son, he's been missing for over 10 years, lost in his addiction somewhere. But I did find a life worth living, and see beauty and joy in each day...my son's care is now in God's hands.
You are among friends here who truly understand your pain. We're walking with you all the way.
Hugs
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
Noooo, thankfully she lives on her own now. She did live with me for the first 6 years but when she became pregnant, I told her she had to move as I work shift work and already have trouble sleeping during the daytime, I told her I would never sleep with a baby crying....so she moved out before she had the baby, and that was the best thing ever!!! LOL.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
not sleeping well,
You are most certainly not a bad grandmother! I totally understand where you are coming from. My grand baby and daughter live with me now and it is not easy. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries!
Jaeger
You are most certainly not a bad grandmother! I totally understand where you are coming from. My grand baby and daughter live with me now and it is not easy. Good for you for sticking to your boundaries!
Jaeger
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
My son and his son live with me. I did tell my son that I would stand by him and be there for him and his son as best I could. My son got full custody of my grandson and after a while I felt taken advantage of. The way I approached it was to “inform” him of MY schedule and when I would be available to baby sit. I did it on my terms and soon, but not without some attitude and unhappiness, my son became used to this new way of doing things. Just as he became used to me always being there and him always just doing what he wanted when he wanted.
Maybe you could begin the same kind of thing. Like “inform” your daughter when you might be available to babysit and when you most definitely will not be.
Maybe you could begin the same kind of thing. Like “inform” your daughter when you might be available to babysit and when you most definitely will not be.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 3
Its funny how the stories on here just seem universal. I personally know someone going through the same thing. You are human. You are allowed to feel angry and frustrated. Youre a great person. I wish the person in my life going through this could let herself breathe like you have in this post.
I'm HOME!!!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Hot flash city
Posts: 573
I have a friend who is married to a raging alcoholic and she dragged me to an Alanon meeting a few months ago, I hadn't been to a meeting, hadn't been to SR in many years and she told me....just come with me...you don't have to say anything....
Well it's been 11 years of this struggle and at the meeting I "shared", and just broke down sobbing. You know you spend your days putting one foot in front of the other and stuff your emotions down...and there are so many emotions!!!
Gratitude for the methadone saving her life, furious emotions that we were placed in that position. Resentment for the liquid handcuffs that methadone is. The first years she had to go to the clinic daily and I drove her every day when I had a day off. Now she goes weekly and mostly I don't drive her...lol.
The drug lifestyle changed both of us. She became manipulative, angry, suspicious and OMG did she learn how to play the system. She has been on disability for 11 years. It's hard to watch, and I guess, I have a lot of resentment because I'm getting older and dragging my sorry ass to work each day while she spends her day "painting" or sleeping "she has sleep apnea and a child with severe ADHD". And while I know mental illness can't be seen.....she looks healthy and capable of working, I just find it hard to deal with. And God help me if I mention perhaps she should be looking for a job!!!!
She let me know on Tuesday, during the fight, that her counselor told her she loves to spend every waking moment she can with her grandchildren and that she would quit her job in a heart beat to look after her grandchildren. I responded that wouldn't that be F*%king awesome to have that option. I'm 62 years old, many of my friends have already retired, and that is not an option for me until 65, and maybe not then. What I had to bite my tongue and not say is perhaps that counselor did not give up her life 11 years ago to move home, take custody and raise a grandson (whom is now 21 by the way and doing awesome
)
I make my little digs, and feel crappy afterwards. The other day she was complaining that she couldn't get funding for something for the little guy (who is 5) and I said....there is no money....no one works anymore...everyone is collecting welfare or disability, where do you think the money will come from??!!!!
Arghhhhhh, enough of my rants....
Well it's been 11 years of this struggle and at the meeting I "shared", and just broke down sobbing. You know you spend your days putting one foot in front of the other and stuff your emotions down...and there are so many emotions!!!
Gratitude for the methadone saving her life, furious emotions that we were placed in that position. Resentment for the liquid handcuffs that methadone is. The first years she had to go to the clinic daily and I drove her every day when I had a day off. Now she goes weekly and mostly I don't drive her...lol.
The drug lifestyle changed both of us. She became manipulative, angry, suspicious and OMG did she learn how to play the system. She has been on disability for 11 years. It's hard to watch, and I guess, I have a lot of resentment because I'm getting older and dragging my sorry ass to work each day while she spends her day "painting" or sleeping "she has sleep apnea and a child with severe ADHD". And while I know mental illness can't be seen.....she looks healthy and capable of working, I just find it hard to deal with. And God help me if I mention perhaps she should be looking for a job!!!!
She let me know on Tuesday, during the fight, that her counselor told her she loves to spend every waking moment she can with her grandchildren and that she would quit her job in a heart beat to look after her grandchildren. I responded that wouldn't that be F*%king awesome to have that option. I'm 62 years old, many of my friends have already retired, and that is not an option for me until 65, and maybe not then. What I had to bite my tongue and not say is perhaps that counselor did not give up her life 11 years ago to move home, take custody and raise a grandson (whom is now 21 by the way and doing awesome
)I make my little digs, and feel crappy afterwards. The other day she was complaining that she couldn't get funding for something for the little guy (who is 5) and I said....there is no money....no one works anymore...everyone is collecting welfare or disability, where do you think the money will come from??!!!!
Arghhhhhh, enough of my rants....
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Give yourself a break friend! It would be REALLY hard to bite your tongue every day.
Your resentment is there, and that is not likely going to go away. So you slipped up and said some not so nice things. We have all done that at one time or another, regardless of who we are or what our situation is.
The reality is that she is not likely to change, people don't change easily. So you have to find a way to vent those frustrations in a healthy way. And yes, you also have the right to put boundaries on how often you are willing to do things. You work. You are not able to retire. Good grief, I am going to be at my job until I am 120 and will die at my computer LOL. Sometimes counselors say stupid things too, and of course she is getting your daughter's spin on things, not yours.
Deep breaths. Work on finding boundaries and communicating those in a calm and efficient manner to your daughter. And take some time for YOU, because it sounds like you need that as well.
Hugs. Keep coming back, vent away, get support, that is what we are here for!
Your resentment is there, and that is not likely going to go away. So you slipped up and said some not so nice things. We have all done that at one time or another, regardless of who we are or what our situation is.
The reality is that she is not likely to change, people don't change easily. So you have to find a way to vent those frustrations in a healthy way. And yes, you also have the right to put boundaries on how often you are willing to do things. You work. You are not able to retire. Good grief, I am going to be at my job until I am 120 and will die at my computer LOL. Sometimes counselors say stupid things too, and of course she is getting your daughter's spin on things, not yours.
Deep breaths. Work on finding boundaries and communicating those in a calm and efficient manner to your daughter. And take some time for YOU, because it sounds like you need that as well.
Hugs. Keep coming back, vent away, get support, that is what we are here for!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
not sleeping well,
Thank you for sharing with us. I can feel your gladness, sadness, pain, frustration through your words. I sympathize with you. I also know you are a strong woman as you have lived through your daughters addiction.
Please know that I hear you, I DO NOT think you are a bad person, mother or grandmother. I hope something today will bring you a moment of peace, joy or happiness. I have been where you are and know I will cycle back there again, it isn't easy.
Hugs to you, Joan
Thank you for sharing with us. I can feel your gladness, sadness, pain, frustration through your words. I sympathize with you. I also know you are a strong woman as you have lived through your daughters addiction.
Please know that I hear you, I DO NOT think you are a bad person, mother or grandmother. I hope something today will bring you a moment of peace, joy or happiness. I have been where you are and know I will cycle back there again, it isn't easy.
Hugs to you, Joan
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