Update//is the part of the cycle?
 

Hey everyone...

I've only posted once and have learned a lot just from reading. I had a lot of red flags from my ex and I was/still am very naive/uninformed about addicts and their behavior.

In the advice given, I took a step back and detached...or I tried? The saw my ex once around town and he was out of it. I was cordial and wished him the best. He contacted me before thanksgiving and told me how he is struggling with his use. He wanted to prove he was a man of his word and wanted to make things up for the horrific way he treated me. He bought me football tickets. He gave them to me in good measure. The game came around, haven't talked to him since the tickets and waited to see if I would hear from him. I looked him up on Facebook and he was with someone else and l let him be. I went to the game and haven't heard from him...until this past Friday night.
I woke up at 1 am from a call from him. I told him he had 10 mins because I had a race in the morning but asked if he was safe. He said he was. He told me he was in rehab for 60 days and spent the holidays alone. He said he got out 2 days ago and just wanted to call me to say sorry/hear my voice. He wanted to tell me he missed me and that I didn't deserve what he did to me. He said he hit rock bottom and has no one and that he understands what he did to me. I was very stern with him and asked what he wanted and he just said he wanted to make amends. He sounded so sad and sober(I think). I tried to lighten the mood, so I talked about the game/current football news and he said his use got out of hand/tried to figure out his life. (Side note: his timeline isn't adding up to exactly 60 days of the last time I heard from him). He then tells me that I was the one person who supported him and wanted what's best for him and he is so sad for ruining it. I told him that if he wants a support, I'm here for him because I care for his well being but there is no romantic future. He asks if I'm seeing someone and reassures he isn't seeing anyone and that girl was out of convenience in his rock bottom. I told him it's none of his business of my life and he continued to ask me about details on my life/family. I did say that he sounded sad at one point and that I hope he finds happiness/himself. He said he was just putting things in prospective/understands my feelings/attitude towards him. He told me he would love to see me and I ended the convo with saying I could make time for coffee in 2 days. He said he would call and asked me to call him after my race. I did, he never responded nor have I heard from him.

Is this typical? Part of me thinks he is lying about the rehab but then again he did sound different. I don't understand why he would call out of the blue, middle of the night, tells me all of this and then disappears. If he is truly struggling, I don't want to turn my back on him but then again, I know he needs to get sober for himself. He said he knows this has been said before but he wants to change...but who knows.. Any advice?

Lbg.....the best person to help an alcoholic is other alcoholics...and, professionals especially trained to work with alcoholism.
You are not qualified to help him with his addiction...because you are too close to the situation and you still have much to learn about the disease, yourself.

Actually, he probably does feel like crap. That is common for someone who is trying to give up the bottle and struggling with early recovery.
I had to learn to take everything an alcoholic says with a grain of salt...a chunk of salt. ***Especially, in the middle of the night when they are cry ing the blues and feeling sorry for themselves...and, trying to pull their enablers back into the vortex. LOL...many times, they don't even remember what they said the ni ght before.....

He has to apply himself to the program of recovery with diligence...and, be willing to do whatever it is that he is directed to do....by his recovery group....

You don't have to sound mean.....but, if you get involved...you will pull him and yourself, both, down.....
It doesn't make you a bad person...it makes you a compassionate person who understands what is the best thing to do.....and, has the strength to do it.....

Clean and sober people don't phone people at 1 am, to me that is a big red flag. And the fact that his actions don't match his words is another. Arranging to call and meeting you and then nothing...these are not the actions of sobriety.

You are wise to keep a safe distance, I doubt very much that there is anything good in all this for you.

Just my honest thoughts, hope I don't sound too blunt.

Hugs

I definitely agree with Ann.

Take care of yourself!

Yes this ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

And this ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

It’s sad when they know all the manipulative words to use on us, the words we long/longed to hear……….

They are in or have gone through rehab = (often just lies)

They want to hear our voice = (inconsiderate to us at 1AM, convenient for them while high)

They miss us = (no one else will bother with them)

They want to make amends = (setting the stage to ask for money, a place to stay, etc)

Believe the part of you that is telling you he is lying.

He will find help if he wants it.

You are not that help.

Detach means...detach. I have an ex who tried that a few times, calling to chat. I didn't let him get any conversation going at all. As soon as I knew it was him I said, "I don't have anything to say." That usually makes for a very short conversation.

On the "amends" thing? You don't have to listen to that. If he was in true Recovery, he would have run this by a sponsor and his sponsor would have never told him to call you at 1AM and do this.

This guy is trying to reel you back in. Don't take the bait. You don't owe him anything and there are plenty of people in AA who will listen to his "poor me" stories; and they will set him straight on his BS. Don't believe him when he gives you a sob story about how you're his only friend and how much he cares.

He's an ex for a reason.

Don't get reeled back in. Reality, if you work a program there a lots of other people you can call 24 hours a day for support.

I agree, he prob does feel badly, and honestly, he should. Don't take that away because it needs to be part of the process, actions have consequences.

Take care of you and let him recover, or not, that is up to him.

Hugs.