solicitude

A few years ago I met a guy and dated him for a while. I ignored all the red flags, like showing up late, because he claimed he was helping his elderly disabled grandpa and I felt guilty. When the problem became stealing and lying I was made aware by his family that he has had a decade long struggle with heroin. They said he was doing well after a rehab when we met so no one told me before. Then I found myself drowning in codependency, feeling like I owed him a chance, taking him to his outpatient rehab meetings and getting caught in his huge problems of stealing from his grandmother and strong arming her to steal her car for days at time. Well I got pregnant and I guess grew up a little and realized that this was not good at all for a child, that he wasn't serious about that rehab and was still shooting up while getting suboxones and somehow passing weekly drug tests. I read a lot online and realized I was codependent and stepped away from the relationship to work on myself and allow him to make his own decisions.

Skip to years later and my son is two and a half, he hadnt seen him or paid support or even talked to me the majority of this time. He was arrested twice for stealing and this last time he was put on vivitrol and counseling by the drug courts. I started letting him see my son supervised by me (no one else available that isn't terribly codependent on him) once every other week. He has spent almost six months doing this cancelling a few times for working overtime. He seems to be doing okay, other than being argumentative and blaming me for everything. But seems to be clean. I just feel very afraid of him from past abuse so this, alone is very difficult for me to deal with. Now he is asking if I can change this to weekly visits. Im unsure as to what I should do because my gut says I shouldn't. My gut says that he is not going to stick to this after the shots are complete because he's made no other changes (other than romantic relationship right after starting vivitrol and actually working for the past few months) and he's relapsed after 3 or 4 other rehabs in the past decade. This time he is clean 10 months- he says. I'm sure I'm a little biased so I need some others that have gone through this to talk to. Should I increase the visitation to weekly? Should I ask him to do this through the courts? IDK what to do or what is right and I just want my son to be safe and stable.
Note: I posted this in the wrong forum section before, so I reposted it here.

PhoenixJ

Soli- I think you probably have already answered your own questions. The safety of you and your family come first. Addiction just takes victims and hostages- it does not negotiate unless the recovery thought is met with sincere action to prove it.
Prayers to you.

solicitude

I am mostly having problems because he is on this looong program of vivitrol. I've done as much research on the drug and visitation issue as I can, and it seems Vivitrol is really good. For people that want to actually stay clean and work hard to do so AFTER TREATMENT.. The rate of retention in the programs is up to 90%. It lowers cravings partially because the person knows they can't get high- and may have even learned by trying and getting no reward. The problem is when they finish treatment and know they can get high again, the cravings and risk of relapse returns soon after the drug is out of their systems. To stay on the straight and narrow, you've got to work hard and I see little to no change, acceptance of the issue, or even concern in himself for relapse when the shot is gone. This bothers me a lot because this is how he acted every time he did a rehab (and relapsed within a month of completing treatment). He was overconfident and pretended some other outside thing magically cured him and that he "isn't the person that did all that stuff before".
I almost feel hopeless that he will get better and just be a dad to his son. But that I can deal with. What I cant deal with is all this anxiety and worry- If I keep standing my ground- he will keep getting angry and continue bullying me. And eventually take me to court.. Then they will just see me as a "bitter ex". It doesn't seem like courts are concerned with relapse when a person leaves the safety of a controlled environment. This is a very long time, in a court's eyes, to impose restrictions. To me, though, this is my son's life and he isn't old enough to protect himself.

tan28sm

Then you protect him. You have primary legal and physical custody, I assume? Then you do what you have to, to protect your son. Don't worry about what AD wants. He lost that privilege the first time he didn't show up when he said he would. Boundaries.. right? I have a 10 month old son. His dad is currently in prison but he will be out in the next few months. I haven't heard from him since before he went in and he got someone else pregnant as I was having my son. So, I can understand what you're going through sort of. I don't plan on letting my sons 'addicted sperm donor' see my son. He abandoned the both of us. Why should he see him at all? (I say that and yet I can already hear him whining and manipulating me into letting him see him). His other child was born just 3 days ago. Another boy. Oh and he has a 5 year old daughter that he has only seen 4 or 5 times in the past 4 years... we (me and the 5 year olds mother) think he may have 3 or 4 other kids. He's such a liar, deceived everyone. Other girls didn't know I was his gf, I didn't know he was cheating.. until I was 6 months pregnant.
I plan on filing for sole legal and physical custody of my son this week. I haven't done anything to this point because the dad has been in prison and it wouldn't have changed anything. Now I will go and file and well.. If I can terminate his rights, I will. He cheated on me, never helped financially, stole from me, used me. Its an absolute nightmare.
Don't let him get away with letting your son down.
It doesn't matter if he's on some medication or not. I don't care what 'medication' he's on to help wean him from his addiction. Its a chemical that is altering his state of mind!
Like someone else said, you already answered your own question.
Don't give him unsupervised visits and realize he will probably never earn that right. Besides that, IF he takes you to court, all you have to do is show that he has a recurring drug problem and the court (if they have any sense) will rule in your favor!

solicitude

Spoke with a lawyer today and he made me feel much more confident. He affirmed that I was doing everything right and was merely being bullied by someone that is angry I no longer "trust and believe". So, we sat down and worked out a parenting agreement for us to sign with many stipulations that make me feel a lot better (like drug testing at the request of either parent AKA me and supervision by his mother). But I also had to accept some things Im uncomfortable with- but as long as my son is safe- I am okay with it and I now feel pretty confident that my son will be safe. I live in a state where, as an unwed mother, I have sole custody automatically and hold all the cards until he or I petition the court regarding this stuff. It costed me 250 bucks just for the parenting plan, but that isn't too too bad for someone to handle a bullying, aggressive, argumentative person FOR me in the negotiation of this plan so that I don't have the anxiety I felt like a prisoner of for the past 4 months. It literally felt like it was taking over my life and slowly killing me.
So, when he messaged me today, trying to bully me for not responding in under 10 minutes, and I said "I was busy putting (son) to sleep" and he said "you should have said you were busy then." I finally stamped my foot and said "This needs to stop. Stop trying to argue and bully me over every little thing. I am me and you are you. I don't have to do things the way you would. I don't have to tell you Im busy when I can just respond when I can. It's not your business to control how I handle things." Boom. Mic drop. lol just kidding I hate when people say that. But I felt pretty proud for saying it like it is instead of feeling crappy and anxious because I hate confrontation.

PS: tan28sm- If you live in a state that automatically grants you sole custody,(google "unwed mothers *state* automatic custody" and read a few of the sites to check yourself). Some states do, some don't, but if yours does, you might want to just keep it as it is because it is basically the same thing but cheaper and without the risk of a judge being opinionated or biased against you. I would also say you should speak with a lawyer about things. A lot of them offer free consultations and can at least tell you the options and possible outcomes. My fear was that the court systems appear to go a little too easy on addicts with young children just because they have a short stent of sobriety. I think kids and their parents deserve time together but not at the risk of danger with a child that can't speak up and doesn't know not to run down the stairs. The system seems to err on the side of "benefit of the doubt". My lawyer said that he just finished a case where the father hadn't wanted to see his daughter for 7 years, that the mother sometimes BEGGED him to see her and he refused. Then, when the mother tried to have her husband adopt he suddenly decided he wanted to be there just to spite her and mess that all up. The court granted him every other weekend and plan to increase to overnights in 6 months. The court systems seem kinda....... idk not what you would expect.

solicitude

I felt so much better because of the attorney and the agreement, and I still feel a lot less anxiety. BUT he messaged me the other day demanding I just drop my son off with him, I planned on keeping things to every other week supervised till the agreement was signed. then he had his girlfriend talk to me. She was nice at first but then showed her true colors, she admitted he was living with her since they got together (a few months ago) and demanded that I drop my son off to them at a public restaurant for a "few hours", though she refuses to tell me where they are living or where they would be going or anything. THEN goes on to tell me that my XABF has the right to just "take" my child "whenever he wants, for however long he wants" but says that she "hopes it doesn't come to that". This makes no sense to me, they act as if I am not "working with them" or "being civil" just because I simply am not giving into their every demand? Why? I am gradually increasing his time as he maintains sobriety, I am making changes according to his wants, I just want to do things safely for my son. This is really concerning me and now I feel afraid to let him visit with them all together since they think they have a "right" to steal my kid from me and act suspicious in not telling me where they even live now. Ugh... Thought everything was going to be okay then they jump up and ruin it as quickly as they can...

hopeful4

Be very careful. It sounds like her could do just that, and I know in the state where I live, you cannot "kidnap" your own child, so it would be left to sort out with the courts, the police would not assist. In other words, it would be a civil issue.

I would not expect them to be civil with you at all. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best type of situation. Keep all documentation try to keep communication w/them in writing that would be admissible in court.

Tight hugs.

atalose

You are doing things according to HIS wants??? You are rewarding him more time with your child and access to harass you based on him maintaining sobriety??………..all these hoops you are jumping through for a man who could have cared less about his own child until a few months ago when he got hooked up with some woman and is saying he’s trying to be sober.

You have visited a lawyer, give him and his to much to say GF your lawyers phone # and have them call him regarding visitation prior to a court order.

Have them only contact you through your attorney until the it’s all in writing and done through the court.

Just because he’s calling you doesn’t mean you need to answer.

Keeping your son safe right now is keeping them away from him until the court issues an order of visitation and not before that!!!

solicitude

I just meant that I was trying to listen to his side and what he wants. I did things every other week supervised by me for 4 months or so and he keeps requesting for me to increase it to weekly. I almost feel like I have to at least negotiate with him, because I'm the only one that feels in my heart like he isn't really taking this stuff that seriously.. I am the only one that learned to stop listening to his words and start listening to his actions. I also feel afraid to take this to court because my lawyer said that they don't really pay much mind to potential for relapse, especially the increased chances that could happen once he is out of this very controlled program he is on. He is on probation for stealing- the drug courts gave him a choice to work a vivitrol and counseling program or to go to jail. So basically, he looks good on paper right now and if he goes to court he will probably get more than what I am comfortable with.
In my opinion it is his codependents pushing him into time with his child so that he will be the man they want him to be.. But I am afraid of him and afraid to just hand my child over to someone that hides his addiction so well, at times. I am afraid that he will relapse and hide it and something terrible could happen to my 2 year old. But he acts like he is magically cured because of vivitrol, the addiction problem is in the past, he is "not that guy anymore", and has nothing to worry about. He refuses to see any of my point of view or understand my concerns at all. And you know, there is always the chance he could be doing well and just reserving the terrible side for me only. Maybe he is doing well and is working his recovery and I am the only one that doesn't see it. I just would think that I would see SOME insight SOME of the time and not only get the selfish and seemingly in denial part of him to myself.

IDK I feel afraid to take my son to see him because apparently this woman he is with has been giving him the legal advice that he has a right to take my son and keep him from me but I had to inform her that in my state- I am SOLE legal custodian because we were not married. He literally has NO RIGHTS until he takes me to court. If he did take him from me, I could probably have him arrested, but it would depend on whether or not the police cooperated, which, since he's on probation, they maybe would be more likely to do so IDK just depends on whether or not they feel a need to cooperate or think it should be handled in court in their opinion, but I could show them the Ohio Revised Code section that the law is in and if harm came to my son they could probably be held liable if they didn't act, so IDK.


Anyways... sorry for the loong post I just don't have anyone else to vent my anxiety with that isn't already sick of hearing about it... I cant sleep or do anything else but worry about my son because of all this.

atalose

Exactly!!

Our fears keep us hostage to their emotional blackmail and threats.

You said in your state, does that mean he does not live in your state? If not he would then have to come to your state to petition the courts for what ever he may seek, right? Does he have the time, financial means etc? to do that?

My guess is that, no he does not and that is why he and his GF are emotionally blackmailing you and playing on your fears.

Set some boundaries for visits as well as phone calls. YOU set the schedule you are comfortable with and don't give an inch other wise they will keep taking and taking until you are the one in court saying "yeah but now I changed my mind on more visits".

Does he pay you child support?

solicitude

He is in my state, I was just saying that it varies from state to state and didn't know if they got their information from some website that posted general information maybe from other states or what.

Also he did just start paying the child support, recently. My lawyer sent him the agreement and he kept refusing to sign it because he says he wants more time than what my lawyer came up with. After talking to him for a bit, he really showed that he just wants to be able to freely take him to his girlfriends house. Which I don't get... Why mess up the whole agreement just because you want to take my son to your girlfriends house? My son isn't related to this woman, she has no obligation to him, how is that something I should be obligated to care about?
Anyway, he also told me his aunt was a lawyer and would help him in court for only 600$. Awesome because I would probably end up paying up to 5k for it if he takes it to court. I think I got him to sign the agreement, but IDK if he can still push me to go to court after doing so.
IDK this is just so frustrating and causing me so much anxiety. I try to show my strength and hide my fear and anxiety from him, but it is so tough to just live my life without fear now.