Helping addict friends try to get sober
 

Sooooo.... this is a tough situation. My friend of 25 years has battled his meth addiction for most of his adult life. He can stop for long periods of time but finds it again.

His girlfriend has been addicted to heroine for 5 years.

They both live in Washington. Until 2 days ago when we flew them out here to be near us. We have them put up in an extended stay for a week.

Then what? He hasn't done meth in a few weeks. She is detoxing now.

I was thinking of co-signing for an apartment so they have a place to live because they can't live in our home at all.

They were homeless and her younger sister just passed away tragically and the mom doesn't want her know because she is afraid that will push her over the edge. So her mom and dad begged and begged for us to help. So we caved.

I just don't know what to do now. Yes treatment is ideal but we cannot afford that. I have local NA meetings lined up.

Scared to death... Need some advice please...

The odds of both of them relapsing are high. The odds of at least one of them relapsing is even higher. The odds that co-signing on an apartment for two addicts is going to royally screw you over are extremely high.

It's your choice. Just don't be mad at them if and when your left with the bill/legal trouble/what have you. It's kind of like the allegory of the woman who let the snake in her home and it bit her. She asked how he could do that after she'd shown him such kindness and he said:

"Shut up, woman. You knew I was a snake all along."

You did not cause it, you can not control it, you can not cure it.

I understand how difficult it is to watch someone you love struggle with addiction. Be sure to take care of yourself and read up on addiction, relapse, and codependency.

Hugs.

Sunshine,

Not sure what is available in Cary but the Salvation Army has helped many in similar situations. Perhaps other homeless ministries such as Sojourner's Place......

I can feel your heart going out to these folks, but Hechosedrugs is correct on all counts and unless you have money and time to burn, do not consider any co-signing for apartments -- don't ask how I know that, just accept that I do.

A quick Google search of "Cary, NC homeless shelters" yields this group which looks like a likely bet or at least a good source of information / referrals: https://www.raleighrescue.org/about-us/ "We offer emergency overnight shelter and residential recovery for men, women and women with children." Good luck.

Keep coming back,

Jim

Co-signing the apartment may be the solution you want, but is that the solution that they actually need?

Unless you are a mental health professional, it's difficult to assess what's going on with your friend. And IF you are a mental health professional, you wouldn't be able to ethically treat him because you just don't have the required distance needed to be neutral about his case.

You can't throw your own life and your credit rating into the volcano to save him.

You mentioned NA. Doesn't AA/NA strongly discourage sponsors from providing financial assistance to members? If that's the case, I'm sure there's a very good reason why.

Yes. A common saying is "carry the message not the alcoholic."

Sunshine,

I know exactly how you feel. I had a good friend and business associate who reached out to me when I first got sober. He said all the right things. He was in a lot of pain and I was sure he was ready to quit pills and alcohol. I wanted him to sober up as bad as I wanted to stay sober. He and his wife split so I let him move into one of my apartments. He went to detox but wouldn't quit the xanax and eventually relapsed on alcohol. In the end he wrecked my apartment and moved out several months behind on rent.

Moral of the story is I should have just kept talking to him and trying to get him to go to AA with me. Now I'm guessing he will avoid me which blows any chance of getting him to a meeting. Please be careful about how much assistance you provide. Don't blow it like I did.

Along the lines of what Jim posted above they could check out the Association of Gospal Rescue Missions at AGRM - Home Many locations offer long-term rehab 90+ days at no charge. I used to volunteer at my local location and it's a good program. However, they would be in separate men's and women's programs.

If you choose to co-sign on anything, go into it seeing it as a gift that you will be solely financially responsible for...along with any damages that may occur.

Two days clean is not very much sobriety on which to make a commitment, like paying for an apartment for them and expecting them to stay clean.

I agree with all of the above, the "real" help is out there, available to them through Salvation Army and many other organizations. If they want help they will go for it. If they don't, you just saved yourself a whole lot of rent money.

Please be careful with your own part in all this. Support their "actions", not so much their words.

They left back to Washington on Monday. Thankfully I did NOT co-sign on a lease. I did pay for a month of an efficiency room that they were kicked out of after one week. So I learn hard lesson, I lose a friend, I lose a butt load of money. He was after all a snake all along.

Sorry to hear, Sunshine.

Blessings to you.

I think the hardest lessons to learn in life are the ones that leave the biggest impact on us. Being kind, caring and compassionate are wonderful qualities to have in life. However, when it comes to alcoholics/addicts we need to possess those qualities from a distance.

Your friend gave you a gift, an important life lesson that can benefit you moving forward in life.

And always always always trust your gut instinct!!! You mentioned that her mom and dad begged and begged you to shoulder this situation and that you caved. Meaning you knew somewhere deep down that the situation was not a good idea and would probably leave you regretting it.

You hit it perfectly. Thank you. I needed the lesson and I'm stronger now because of it.