Family member relapse
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Family member relapse
Looking for advice. I have suspicions that a family member has relapsed on opiates and I'm not sure how to proceed. I had this person committed to rehab against their will when she was five months pregnant. She has been clean (on Suboxone) ever since, over a year. Her and her son live with our gramma in the same building and I haven't had any concerns about her sobriety. In the past month or two however, I've been getting more and more suspicious. She's been acting irritable, inconsiderate, entitled, and argumentative. She has started keeping secrets and bring vague about what she's doing or where she's going. Which is exactly how she acted when she was using. Lately she's started staying up very late and sleeping til 11/noon. Her room is a mess, she has the baby out late, sometimes 3 am saying she's taking him for a ride to fall asleep. She enjoyed cooking since she's been sober and used to cook big elaborate meals and lately has been throwing boxed crappy meals together and not caring at all. Also, she's been seeing a family member who used to give her pills again. A couple days ago she lost/someone stole her suboxone. Then today she came home and wouldn't look at me at all, talking a lot, cheery, raspy voice, and was constantly in motion. I'm very worried about my nephew and I'm not sure what my next steps should be. I try to be very supportive and don't want to falsely accuse her, but my gut says something is up and I don't want her son to suffer if she has relapsed. Sorry for the long post.
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Originally Posted by solicitude 
Are they still on the suboxone? Aren't they being drug tested during this?
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Location: Wilmington, DE
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Desde,
First, welcome to the SR forum -- we're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be. This is a great place to get a second opinion from people who are not personally involved and have also been down this road. There is much collective wisdom to be found here, all you need to do is ask.
"......I've been getting more and more suspicious. She's been acting irritable, inconsiderate, entitled, and argumentative. She has started keeping secrets and bring vague about what she's doing or where she's going. Which is exactly how she acted when she was using......" which probably means that she IS using again as you have already said - trust your gut, it is usually pretty accurate.
".... Lately she's started staying up very late and sleeping til 11/noon. Her room is a mess, she has the baby out late, sometimes 3 am saying she's taking him for a ride to fall asleep. She enjoyed cooking since she's been sober and used to cook big elaborate meals and lately has been throwing boxed crappy meals together and not caring at all." When my daughter got clean she told me " I will never eat Ramen noodles or grilled cheese again. I asked why not , I thought she liked both -- she told me "that's junkie food -- cheap and you can make it in less than 5 minutes."
" ....Also, she's been seeing a family member who used to give her pills again...." Well, there's you gut talking again -- her connection is back in the picture.
"... A couple days ago she lost/someone stole her suboxone...." This is called introducing the "cover story".
"..... Then today she came home and wouldn't look at me at all, talking a lot, cheery, raspy voice, and was constantly in motion...." What's your gut say? Mine says, "Yep, she's high."
Sorry but that's how I see it. I think deep down you do also, you are just not quite ready to admit it. Do everything you can to protect the baby.
Keep coming back,
Jim
First, welcome to the SR forum -- we're glad you are here and sorry that you need to be. This is a great place to get a second opinion from people who are not personally involved and have also been down this road. There is much collective wisdom to be found here, all you need to do is ask.
"......I've been getting more and more suspicious. She's been acting irritable, inconsiderate, entitled, and argumentative. She has started keeping secrets and bring vague about what she's doing or where she's going. Which is exactly how she acted when she was using......" which probably means that she IS using again as you have already said - trust your gut, it is usually pretty accurate.
".... Lately she's started staying up very late and sleeping til 11/noon. Her room is a mess, she has the baby out late, sometimes 3 am saying she's taking him for a ride to fall asleep. She enjoyed cooking since she's been sober and used to cook big elaborate meals and lately has been throwing boxed crappy meals together and not caring at all." When my daughter got clean she told me " I will never eat Ramen noodles or grilled cheese again. I asked why not , I thought she liked both -- she told me "that's junkie food -- cheap and you can make it in less than 5 minutes."
" ....Also, she's been seeing a family member who used to give her pills again...." Well, there's you gut talking again -- her connection is back in the picture.
"... A couple days ago she lost/someone stole her suboxone...." This is called introducing the "cover story".
"..... Then today she came home and wouldn't look at me at all, talking a lot, cheery, raspy voice, and was constantly in motion...." What's your gut say? Mine says, "Yep, she's high."
Sorry but that's how I see it. I think deep down you do also, you are just not quite ready to admit it. Do everything you can to protect the baby.
Keep coming back,
Jim
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Thanks everyone. To answer a few questions and then pose some more of my own:
Yes the baby's Dad is in the picture. Two days ago his Mother caught him using and told him to go back into treatment or he has to be out of her house by Monday. His mother confronted my sister last night and asked if she was using and of course she denied it saying she was just trying to help him stay clean. I'm sure we all know that is a terrible idea and likely a lie.
His mother, my mother, and myself all have open lines of communication with each other and have been talking quite a bit over the last couple days and comparing stories and behavior and we have all come to the same conclusion, she has probably relapsed along with him.
We are all concerned about the baby. We all are very supportive because we know how difficult it is to have a young child and adding being in recovery on top of that is even harder. So we help as much as we can....diapers, formula, I go downstairs and watch him for a half hour so she can shower, buying clothes etc..she has always been very grateful and never taken advantage of it (although as I said her attitude is changing). She still seems to be a very attentive mom, but she is making some questionable choices. In terms of caring for her son, one of us would be able to take him, likely me. I've spoken to my husband and he's willing to do that if it needs to be done.
We all agree that something is going on, probably a relapse, and that we have to protect her son. The question is really what do we do next? Have her take a store bought drug test? Call DCF on her? Call her doctor? Confront her? (Although she is a great liar. When I was petitioning the court to commit her to rehab she convinced the psychologist she wasn't using. She only ended up getting committed because I begged the psychologist to make her prove it through a urine screen. At which point she said she couldn't go, then tried to substitute urine diluted with water and then he realized she was lying.) I'm hoping you all can give me some ideas about an appropriate next step.
And again, thank you so much. I'm so glad I found a supportive place to ask questions.
Yes the baby's Dad is in the picture. Two days ago his Mother caught him using and told him to go back into treatment or he has to be out of her house by Monday. His mother confronted my sister last night and asked if she was using and of course she denied it saying she was just trying to help him stay clean. I'm sure we all know that is a terrible idea and likely a lie.
His mother, my mother, and myself all have open lines of communication with each other and have been talking quite a bit over the last couple days and comparing stories and behavior and we have all come to the same conclusion, she has probably relapsed along with him.
We are all concerned about the baby. We all are very supportive because we know how difficult it is to have a young child and adding being in recovery on top of that is even harder. So we help as much as we can....diapers, formula, I go downstairs and watch him for a half hour so she can shower, buying clothes etc..she has always been very grateful and never taken advantage of it (although as I said her attitude is changing). She still seems to be a very attentive mom, but she is making some questionable choices. In terms of caring for her son, one of us would be able to take him, likely me. I've spoken to my husband and he's willing to do that if it needs to be done.
We all agree that something is going on, probably a relapse, and that we have to protect her son. The question is really what do we do next? Have her take a store bought drug test? Call DCF on her? Call her doctor? Confront her? (Although she is a great liar. When I was petitioning the court to commit her to rehab she convinced the psychologist she wasn't using. She only ended up getting committed because I begged the psychologist to make her prove it through a urine screen. At which point she said she couldn't go, then tried to substitute urine diluted with water and then he realized she was lying.) I'm hoping you all can give me some ideas about an appropriate next step.
And again, thank you so much. I'm so glad I found a supportive place to ask questions.
Last edited by Desde; 01-06-2017 at 09:51 AM. Reason: Spelling
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Originally Posted by Desde
Thanks everyone. To answer a few questions and then pose some more of my own:
Yes the baby's Dad is in the picture. Two days ago his Mother caught him using and told him to go back into treatment or he has to be out of her house by Monday. His mother confronted my sister last night and asked if she was using and of course she denied it saying she was just trying to help him stay clean. I'm sure we all know that is a terrible idea and likely a lie.
His mother, my mother, and myself all have open lines of communication with each other and have been talking quite a bit over the last couple days and comparing stories and behavior and we have all come to the same conclusion, she has probably relapsed along with him.
We are all concerned about the baby. We all are very supportive because we know how difficult it is to have a young child and adding being in recovery on top of that is even harder. So we help as much as we can....diapers, formula, I go downstairs and watch him for a half hour so she can shower, buying clothes etc..she has always been very grateful and never taken advantage of it (although as I said her attitude is changing). She still seems to be a very attentive mom, but she is making some questionable choices. In terms of caring for her son, one of us would be able to take him, likely me. I've spoken to my husband and he's willing to do that if it needs to be done.
We all agree that something is going on, probably a relapse, and that we have to protect her son. The question is really what do we do next? Have her take a store bought drug test? Call DCF on her? Call her doctor? Confront her? (Although she is a great liar. When I was petitioning the court to commit her to rehab she convinced the psychologist she wasn't using. She only ended up getting committed because I begged the psychologist to make her prove it through a urine screen. At which point she said she couldn't go, then tried to substitute urine diluted with water and then he realized she was lying.) I'm hoping you all can give me some ideas about an appropriate next step.
And again, thank you so much. I'm so glad I found a supportive place to ask questions.
Yes the baby's Dad is in the picture. Two days ago his Mother caught him using and told him to go back into treatment or he has to be out of her house by Monday. His mother confronted my sister last night and asked if she was using and of course she denied it saying she was just trying to help him stay clean. I'm sure we all know that is a terrible idea and likely a lie.
His mother, my mother, and myself all have open lines of communication with each other and have been talking quite a bit over the last couple days and comparing stories and behavior and we have all come to the same conclusion, she has probably relapsed along with him.
We are all concerned about the baby. We all are very supportive because we know how difficult it is to have a young child and adding being in recovery on top of that is even harder. So we help as much as we can....diapers, formula, I go downstairs and watch him for a half hour so she can shower, buying clothes etc..she has always been very grateful and never taken advantage of it (although as I said her attitude is changing). She still seems to be a very attentive mom, but she is making some questionable choices. In terms of caring for her son, one of us would be able to take him, likely me. I've spoken to my husband and he's willing to do that if it needs to be done.
We all agree that something is going on, probably a relapse, and that we have to protect her son. The question is really what do we do next? Have her take a store bought drug test? Call DCF on her? Call her doctor? Confront her? (Although she is a great liar. When I was petitioning the court to commit her to rehab she convinced the psychologist she wasn't using. She only ended up getting committed because I begged the psychologist to make her prove it through a urine screen. At which point she said she couldn't go, then tried to substitute urine diluted with water and then he realized she was lying.) I'm hoping you all can give me some ideas about an appropriate next step.
And again, thank you so much. I'm so glad I found a supportive place to ask questions.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Hello Desde, welcome to our family! My son is the addict in my life, and I can tell you that your spidey senses are the BEST thing to trust. YOU can feel the difference in her behavior. Now its up to you, do you allow this to continue or do you set the boundaries and confront her with them? Here is the thing. When our addicts are active, they lie with every breath they take. Only actions prevail. Protect that precious baby! HeChoseDrugs stated a great option. Hang in there, we are all walking with you.
TT
TT
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Call DCF on her?
You, your mother or the baby’s father’s mother need to get temporarily custody before something awful happens to that child.
Let the professionals handle this, never try and force someone to take an at home drug test. There is not much her Doctor can do either besides urine test her at her next appointment to which she is smart enough to know how to beat.
Always trust your gut and don't allow her to talk your gut out of what it already knows to be true.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I personally would sit down with her in a very non judgemental way and see if you can get through to her just talking to her, and get her to admit it. People are often so much more receptive to help and admitting things when they don't feel confronted. If she could admit it, then possibly she would be willing to get some help.
Hugs to you. You are a wonderful person, keep the priorities in place, which is the child, and it will lead on you the right path.
Hugs to you. You are a wonderful person, keep the priorities in place, which is the child, and it will lead on you the right path.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Desde,
hopeful4 speaks the truth:
"If she could admit it, then possibly she would be willing to get some help."
Willing IS the key word. For her to admit that she has a problem and be willing to accept treatment is a huge step for an addict. Court ordered rehab can pretty much guarantee sobriety during the rehab stay -- the willingness factor is the only way your sister will ever stay clean.
You obviously have a concerned extended family and the fact that you and your husband are willing take temporary custody of the baby speaks volumes.
Keep coming back,
Jim
hopeful4 speaks the truth:
"If she could admit it, then possibly she would be willing to get some help."
Willing IS the key word. For her to admit that she has a problem and be willing to accept treatment is a huge step for an addict. Court ordered rehab can pretty much guarantee sobriety during the rehab stay -- the willingness factor is the only way your sister will ever stay clean.
You obviously have a concerned extended family and the fact that you and your husband are willing take temporary custody of the baby speaks volumes.
Keep coming back,
Jim
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