Enabler now paying consequences & won't/can't detach from addict
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,248
Enabler now paying consequences & won't/can't detach from addict
Rant or vent alert.
A big enabler for alkie/addict now facing the consequences of dealing with them financially and/or emotionally. Wanted to see the alkie get a job so bad for them they got a car for them in a "deal" that included money along with title & insurance in their name, not alkie's to get them started. The A has been able to hold the good job for a while now. The enabler is now feeling the financial consequences of their business with the alkie. The alkie complains when asked to get the car and insurance in their name. Although they 'eventually' reimburse the enabler money is still fronted for them when paying the bills. The alkie tries to act like a consumer saying why get stuff in in their name when it's cheaper for them. The enabler agreed at first because they felt why should a alkie/addict with duis and bankruptcies have to pay the consequences for their past actions with higher interest and insurance rates.
But after seeing the alkie/addict not change their ways and watch them consume alcohol of the last year let alone recent holidays they finally hopefully realize nothing has changed behavior wise and are showing at least some regret now.
The enabler made matters worse over the holidays by giving them money for a gift, eh "it's xmas". But again after seeing the alkie consume alcohol among other things they realize after the fact what did . In their mind they still see the alkie as needy. It's like they refuse or can't say no to them.
To me the money for a gift which is tacky to begin also sends a message to the alkie/addict that they have money to spare and de emphasizes reimbursing them in a timely manner.
I try telling them just nudge the A with soft reminders and slowly escalate the need to get things in their name and pay them back in a timely manner. Sooner or later they will have to be blunt but that will stress them and they fear pushing the A too hard.
A big enabler for alkie/addict now facing the consequences of dealing with them financially and/or emotionally. Wanted to see the alkie get a job so bad for them they got a car for them in a "deal" that included money along with title & insurance in their name, not alkie's to get them started. The A has been able to hold the good job for a while now. The enabler is now feeling the financial consequences of their business with the alkie. The alkie complains when asked to get the car and insurance in their name. Although they 'eventually' reimburse the enabler money is still fronted for them when paying the bills. The alkie tries to act like a consumer saying why get stuff in in their name when it's cheaper for them. The enabler agreed at first because they felt why should a alkie/addict with duis and bankruptcies have to pay the consequences for their past actions with higher interest and insurance rates.
But after seeing the alkie/addict not change their ways and watch them consume alcohol of the last year let alone recent holidays they finally hopefully realize nothing has changed behavior wise and are showing at least some regret now.
The enabler made matters worse over the holidays by giving them money for a gift, eh "it's xmas". But again after seeing the alkie consume alcohol among other things they realize after the fact what did . In their mind they still see the alkie as needy. It's like they refuse or can't say no to them.
To me the money for a gift which is tacky to begin also sends a message to the alkie/addict that they have money to spare and de emphasizes reimbursing them in a timely manner.
I try telling them just nudge the A with soft reminders and slowly escalate the need to get things in their name and pay them back in a timely manner. Sooner or later they will have to be blunt but that will stress them and they fear pushing the A too hard.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
When I was in my early 20's I got a DUI. I think my dad handled it so well. He refused to make life easier for me. I had to take a bus to school and to my DUI classes, and had to walk to work. I had to pay all the fines and when I started driving again I had to pay my own insurance (he had paid mine prior). It was such a hassle, but I'm so glad for it. I definitely learned my lesson, and I'm not so sure I would have if it hadn't been such a hassle.
Hope the enable finds peace and clarity.
Hope the enable finds peace and clarity.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 408
“How can I best help the alcoholic? By not interfering when he gets into difficulties. I must detach myself from his shortcoming, neither making up for them nor criticizing them. Let me learn to play my own role, and leave his to him. If he fails in it, the failure is not mine, no matter what others may think or say about it.” One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, pg.29
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