New here...sharing my long story. Any advice?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 44
You remind me so much of myself. Very much determined to help and save him.
If you continue on this path with him, you will more than likely end up in my shoes 5 almost 6 years later. We're still not married, have no major life accomplishments together. Just more craziness surrounding drug addiction / few days sober / relapse. It only gets worse. It may feel like it gets better for 5 seconds but I assure you, that great feeling you have is only temporary... probably based on something he said or a promise he made but has no intentions of keeping. Read as much as you can about codependency. Once you can recognize these behaviours in yourself you can try to start getting a handle on them and gain back some control of your life. His addiction isn't your problem. I literally repeat that to myself like 20 times a day.
If you continue on this path with him, you will more than likely end up in my shoes 5 almost 6 years later. We're still not married, have no major life accomplishments together. Just more craziness surrounding drug addiction / few days sober / relapse. It only gets worse. It may feel like it gets better for 5 seconds but I assure you, that great feeling you have is only temporary... probably based on something he said or a promise he made but has no intentions of keeping. Read as much as you can about codependency. Once you can recognize these behaviours in yourself you can try to start getting a handle on them and gain back some control of your life. His addiction isn't your problem. I literally repeat that to myself like 20 times a day.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
First and foremost, I want to put it out there that I've only been involved in this situation for a couple of months, so being ridiculed for that is what kept me from signing up on any of these forums, but I'm at my wits end and need some insight. *sigh*
Based on your posts it appears you are having a "relationship" with this person but this person is not having the same "relationship" with you.
Often we get so blinded by the "what could be's" that we don't see the what is.
Rejection is hard, no one likes to be rejected or feel like they don't matter but the more we try and hold onto someone who doens't want to be held the more hurt comes our way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
Well, he contacted me to hang out the other day.
I had to grit my teeth and ignore his messages. I haven't spoken with his mom, either. I think I miss his family more than I miss him.
Buttttttt.....
In other news, I have a job interview in surgery next week at another hospital. Everything at the hospital I'm at now reminds me of him, & im instantly in a bad mood when I walk in. There's signs all over the hospital with his family's name bc they "owned" part of it/its named after them. I always end up getting assigned to the room he stayed in. I have to pass his place to get to work.
I just need to get away from all of that.
But on the flip side, I met an adorable & awesome surgery MD/ resident the other day & have date tonight ��
Progress!
I had to grit my teeth and ignore his messages. I haven't spoken with his mom, either. I think I miss his family more than I miss him.
Buttttttt.....
In other news, I have a job interview in surgery next week at another hospital. Everything at the hospital I'm at now reminds me of him, & im instantly in a bad mood when I walk in. There's signs all over the hospital with his family's name bc they "owned" part of it/its named after them. I always end up getting assigned to the room he stayed in. I have to pass his place to get to work.
I just need to get away from all of that.
But on the flip side, I met an adorable & awesome surgery MD/ resident the other day & have date tonight ��
Progress!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 8
.....ANDDDDDD he's back!
I listened to the audiobook "Codependent No More" & finally felt at peace and kind of gave him his space.
& wouldn't you know it, he decided that he missed me. He's been over 100 days sober, so I think he's feeling better & not so fragile like he was at the beginning of our relationship.
We went on a date Saturday night & it was as if nothing happened, like we hadn't broken up. There was no arguing or even any talk about the break up. It was strange, but a good strange.
I gave him space all day yesterday and gave t contacted him today at all, so we will see.
I told his mom that he must've been in a good mood lately since he finally contacted me.
& she said, "No, not really. He's been kind of grumpy lately & we (mom and mom's bf) were just talking the other day that he needed to contact you. He was alway happy when you were around, so when he told us that you were coming over, I was like YESSSSS, thank God!" His mom hugged me like there was no tomorrow.
So that's that.
I listened to the audiobook "Codependent No More" & finally felt at peace and kind of gave him his space.
& wouldn't you know it, he decided that he missed me. He's been over 100 days sober, so I think he's feeling better & not so fragile like he was at the beginning of our relationship.
We went on a date Saturday night & it was as if nothing happened, like we hadn't broken up. There was no arguing or even any talk about the break up. It was strange, but a good strange.
I gave him space all day yesterday and gave t contacted him today at all, so we will see.
I told his mom that he must've been in a good mood lately since he finally contacted me.
& she said, "No, not really. He's been kind of grumpy lately & we (mom and mom's bf) were just talking the other day that he needed to contact you. He was alway happy when you were around, so when he told us that you were coming over, I was like YESSSSS, thank God!" His mom hugged me like there was no tomorrow.
So that's that.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 52
You are a smart, intelligent young woman that does loads of research, is thoughtful, caring, loving, and treasures the ones you love in your life. You obviously put those you love over yourself and I wouldn't doubt for a second you do without for your kids everyday. Don't you think you (and your kids) deserve that in a man? Don't you dream of a man that will hold you up when you feel weak or a man that works hard to make yours and his life better everyday? A man that will, at times, understand and accept YOU when you are acting irrational or emotional. One that will be your rock and push himself to be better for YOU and make you want to do the same? One that will be your best friend and won't play games with your heart like a teenager? If the answer to these questions is yes, now you must ask yourself: Does this guy fit the bill or is he a "spoiled rich kid" that mooches off his rich family and puts his desires above everything else?
I was in a serious relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years. He was lazy, spoiled by his parents, lied to me, and drank a 6-12 pack of beer every single day. At first I thought he would "grow out of it" or get better if I just tried to be there for him while showing him that it hurt me/us. That was only the 2nd year. It never got better, he never "grew out of it". I would go to work and come home to a lay-about and feel resentment that I had to work my buns off everyday while he sat around drinking and gaming and then I had to clean up all the beer cans. He worked for his parents business and they pretty much worked him one day a week and paid him for a weeks worth of pay. As the issues built up and he started being abusive, argumentative, and just plain awful- I began this cycle of leaving and coming back when he would cry for me. I resented him for being lazy, I resented him for all the past incidents (every single thing), I resented him for drinking, It got to the point where I resented him for everything he did or didn't do, every. single. day. I felt so sickened by how he acted, I couldn't sleep with him or even imagine being married to him, after 5 years of living together! I was killing myself from the inside out. One day, he was yelling and screaming at me for finding beer hidden under the bed and confronting him and I went in the bedroom to lay down and cry. I kept saying "im going crazy" "Im crazy" over and over while I wept. Then... suddenly I felt this strange, warm feeling. And then I heard, in the voice my grandmother who had passed a few years before, "You are not crazy". And that was it. I felt like I just "woke up". I may have hallucinated it... or she may have been there I'll not know until I die, I suppose. But after that I left and never looked back.
I started going online and found some people that were codependent like me, they shared books, links, articles, stories. I read and read and read- and realized that my problem wasn't him; it was me. It was me that lowered my standards. It was me that accepted all those things that a normal person would not have. It was me that kept coming back to an abusive home. I was the one that kept engaging with a monster, I was the one that played in fire. It was all inside me.
Are you accepting behavior you know you shouldn't? Are you behaving in a way you know you shouldn't? Are you setting a good example for your children, would you wish this kind of relationship for them, when they grow up? Look inside yourself and try to think about what you REALLY actually want in life and go for THAT. Do not settle for something that doesn't fit the bill, it will make you miserable in the long run.
I was in a serious relationship with an alcoholic for 6 years. He was lazy, spoiled by his parents, lied to me, and drank a 6-12 pack of beer every single day. At first I thought he would "grow out of it" or get better if I just tried to be there for him while showing him that it hurt me/us. That was only the 2nd year. It never got better, he never "grew out of it". I would go to work and come home to a lay-about and feel resentment that I had to work my buns off everyday while he sat around drinking and gaming and then I had to clean up all the beer cans. He worked for his parents business and they pretty much worked him one day a week and paid him for a weeks worth of pay. As the issues built up and he started being abusive, argumentative, and just plain awful- I began this cycle of leaving and coming back when he would cry for me. I resented him for being lazy, I resented him for all the past incidents (every single thing), I resented him for drinking, It got to the point where I resented him for everything he did or didn't do, every. single. day. I felt so sickened by how he acted, I couldn't sleep with him or even imagine being married to him, after 5 years of living together! I was killing myself from the inside out. One day, he was yelling and screaming at me for finding beer hidden under the bed and confronting him and I went in the bedroom to lay down and cry. I kept saying "im going crazy" "Im crazy" over and over while I wept. Then... suddenly I felt this strange, warm feeling. And then I heard, in the voice my grandmother who had passed a few years before, "You are not crazy". And that was it. I felt like I just "woke up". I may have hallucinated it... or she may have been there I'll not know until I die, I suppose. But after that I left and never looked back.
I started going online and found some people that were codependent like me, they shared books, links, articles, stories. I read and read and read- and realized that my problem wasn't him; it was me. It was me that lowered my standards. It was me that accepted all those things that a normal person would not have. It was me that kept coming back to an abusive home. I was the one that kept engaging with a monster, I was the one that played in fire. It was all inside me.
Are you accepting behavior you know you shouldn't? Are you behaving in a way you know you shouldn't? Are you setting a good example for your children, would you wish this kind of relationship for them, when they grow up? Look inside yourself and try to think about what you REALLY actually want in life and go for THAT. Do not settle for something that doesn't fit the bill, it will make you miserable in the long run.
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