this week
 

Well, stepson is dodging us.
He is currently staying at his sisters (supposedly) where she is paying him money to babysit. This is in the town where all his "friends" are. So, after relapsing last week, money in his pocket and easy access, and dodging the question from us of when he is coming back.
His court diversion still has his probation guy coming to our house randomly. He hasn't worked for a couple weeks, I believe he lost the job due to going in tweaking and psychotic, 2 weeks ago.
So, here we are in limbo.
His father, I think, is waiting to hear what his son is going to choose to do.
I think it shouldn't really be his choice. With all the havoc he's causing in our lives and our relationship. Why should he have time off to use and do whatever he wants and we wait to see if he's going to come back.
I think it should be if you are committed get back here and face the crap you are causing. Not, why don't you take a vacation and hang out with your drug friends, relapse, lose your job, and end up back at square one, and then after you've been gone for a month, and we have started to rebuild our lives, you can decide to use us again and cause complete upheaval again.
Husband and I did sit down and talk about a plan and (for lack of a better term) rules and conditions for him living with us.
Of course, that was before we realized we were being dodged.
I have a hard time with the disrespect of it all, you can at least answer a text when you are living off someone and causing massive problems in their lives. He went so far as to leave his sisters yesterday before we got to our granddaughters birthday party, and stay gone till after we left. Grow up. This kid has so much power over our lives. Its making me angry.
Counseling appt. this afternoon. Guess we wont be dragging stepson to that one, as he is dodging us. (Dodging occurred after his dad told him he'd be bringing him to 2 meetings a week. Stepson and Dad have also been banking on him getting this "good job" that pays well, they denied him several months ago, due to old drug charges from like 6 years ago (pot, hahaha how simple our problems were then) that have now fallen off his record, the job told him to come back and apply today. a.) I don't think he'll even call without dad standing over him, b.) we are no longer dealing with pot, but crystal meth and heroin, both of which he has been caught by the law with, and both of which he's used recently. ) I don't think they are living in reality.

This kid has so much power over our lives. Its making me angry.

so how can SEPHRA take her power back? what would SHE have to do?

why would you even consider "allowing" him to come back to your house, IF he chooses? that never worked before. and no amount of RULES will change anything......SS doesn't DO rules. he's mocking the rules.

he isn't going to just snap out of it. or get a good job and turn into a decent normal citizen. he will continue to take every advantage, every handout, and use everyone in his path. he has NO respect.

Sephra,
I speak from experience when I say that it is MUCH easier to say no to moving back than it is to put a child out.

Ditto to all of the above.

You don't have to do anything, including putting your life on hold and fretting trying to figure out his next move. Maybe his knowing that he has a soft place to land keeps him partying and out there.

As one mama to another, let go dear and reclaim your life. The outcome for him will not be any better or worse, no matter what you do. But the outcome for your life and marriage will be happier when addiction does not move in.

How do you let go? Love him enough to say "no". Love yourself enough to say "NO".

Hugs

This is disturbing, a drug addict babysitting? Does she know he’s a drug addict and recently relapsed?

I agree, you and your husband are willingly giving all the control and power to this manipulating drug addict. Like you are both looking towards the most damaged person in your lives for all of YOUR answers for YOUR happiness.

I get you wanting to work on your marriage but it always appears that all your husband wants to do is work on his son’s addiction and without any outside help to boot. The marriage is coming in second all the time.

I thought the counseling appt went as well as it could. Then ss came home right after. The 3 of us had a sit down. I walked away feeling worse. He admitted to using morphine this week. Thinks he is not getting enough credit for how good he's doing. Doesn't see how he is disrespecting us in the least. I was pretty straight up with him with what I thought. I feel like he totally manipulated his father again and I somehow got back on the crazy train. I can't sleep and soon I have to get up for work. I can choose to walk away from a 10year relationship or I can continue to live this way because I really need to accept that he is not going to stop enabling his son. I hate both options.

And yes his sis knows he's an addict that recently relapsed and she sees no issue with him babysitting or giving him cash. As I said... Crazy train

Oh, Sephra....my heart breaks for you in this situation. I'm just sending you support while you decide how you want to proceed that will be the best for you in the long run. It is a decision that doesn't have to be made right this split second, and I hope and pray there are things you can do for your own peace. Is it possible for you to spend a little time away from the house in the evenings? Are there Holiday light displays you can go see? Are there special movie nights at the library? Anything that might get you out of the house for a bit and occupy your mind away from the daily crazy train for a bit.

You and your whole family are in my thoughts and prayers :hug:

Prayers to you

Sephra....you know how things are going to go with the son in the house.....
With his history of drug use..and, current drug use, and his deplorable attitude....there is no doubt that you will be headed toward the fires of ***l on the Krazy Train......

If you already know this....then, you become a volunteer, rather than a victim.....
LOL...volunteers don't get to complain...

In recovery circles, it is often said..."Let go, or be dragged".
The reason that this is said, so often, is that when dealing with addictions or abuse...it, so often just comes down to these two choices......

"When the fear and pain of staying becomes greater than the fear of leaving"....that is the time that action is taken.....

sounds like you are going to be staying for a while longer......
I would just implore you to not give up counseling for YOUSELF...no matter what!

Good at what? Using?

Those two sentences together are mind-melting.

Your husband and his sister are going to "love" him to death, it's just a matter of time. The question remains as to whether you want to be there when it happens and understand that they might turn on you.

I feel for you...My husband went through years of being manipulated financially by his son, although he's not an addict, just a really selfish kid. Same dynamic, though...he'd ignore my husband until he wanted something and call up with some drama and DH would jump. Anything I said was just Wicked Stepmother. It's been the only really divisive issue in our marriage.

Sending you a hug.

Yes, a 10-year relationship that has grown to bring you unhappiness, chaos, dysfunction, disrespect, addiction, manipulation and onto the couch of a therapist.

See, your attaching your lifeboat onto your husband and he is anchored to his addict son…………they both will continue to pull you down.

Maybe it’s time to see the therapist all by yourself and work on you and the things you can change and help with detaching from this situation.

It took me a long time to learn the difference between working on a healthy relationship and wasting my time on a long goodbye.