Pillow

So my "recovering" AH has been using and lying about it as usual. Not sure why I am shocked..but I am. Im always holding out hope that he will just quit.. But deep down I know better.

I'm so fed up. I really should walk away at this point.. But he wants one more chance to prove himself. Fine. What's one more chance? The way he's been lying I'm sure the chance will be used up very quickly.

Is it mean for me to say that? I'm just so tired.. Yet it's difficult for me to imagine walking away from someone I have loved for so many years. Someone who is sick and hurting. Someone who I know deep down loves me too. He just needs to figure his **** out and clearly quitting or recovery is not priority for him.

It's killing me inside because I know the end of our relationship is near.. I never imagined something like this but I guess life is full of surprises..and I know time will heal.. But what about now? What's going to mask the pain right now..

Thanks to everyone here who reads my pointless rants.

Hechosedrugs

I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Addicts always try to make us feel "mean" for not trusting them, even when they've given us every reason not to. But at some point if we don't see any change (and if they are truly in recovery, we would!) it becomes all about self-preservation and we have to make the choice to jump ship and grab a lifeboat or sink along with them. Grabbing a lifeboat means navigating choppy waters, and you'll be all alone. Staying on the ship, though, well, you know. Sorry if any of this was corny. It's the best way I know how to put it.

Anyway, if you do choose to stay, make your boundaries firm and really commit to them. Remember that he's tested them before, and there's a good chance that he isn't too worried about breaking his promises to you anymore, because he's pretty confident you'll keep taking him back. Addicts are soooooo convincing, which is why we need to pay attention to their actions, not their words.

Be very careful. Addiction is like a demonic possession. It takes over the people we love, but it's so difficult for us to see it. We won't allow ourselves to, most of the time. But it makes them capable of the most awful things. Please start preparing for the worst. I didn't, and I'm paying for it now.

Blessings to you.

Ariesagain

We get addicted to them, too...the drama, the uncertainty, the honeymoons between binges...and we slowly lower our standards more and more as to what is acceptable in how people treat us. It's been 25 years since I dealt with the last of my series of alcoholic relationships and I still am shocked at some of my behavior, let alone theirs.

Wishing you a better road.

Pillow

Thank you Hechose and Aries for your wise and kind words.

carolineno

I am sorry you are going through this Pillow. I am going through it too.

I finally asked my AH to get some help to quit 6 months ago. Well he said he would quit but that he didn't need help. It was good for a month or two. And then he started to claw back some promises. "I've quit" became "I'd like to do it hiking." Later I heard "I'd like to quit for a year" and then "I'd like to make it to my birthday" and then the guilt "well I've already had to give up one thing I enjoy" so after that I started to prepare. He is basically back at square one, but what is different is that I am not. I refused to become the drug police so I never checked or sleuthed as to if he was using or not. If he is ok to lie to me then well that's on him.

I suppose I should have ranted and raged each time he clawed something back, but I was so devastated that he would say these intentions to me that my heart just sank and I just took the words in. I tend to go "deer in the headlights" when we are in conflict. He knows how I feel about his using (I went on a huge explosive rant one day), even though he is trying to chisel back to his "good old days" when he could use as much as he desired and I'd sit back and suck up the neglect and rage. I was such a dummy.

Thankfully I have had the wisdom of SR and I knew that it would be a long shot if he tried to quit on his own, and that you really can't get comfortable with a partner's sobriety until they have been sober for 1 year. So the writing is on the wall for me I guess. It is only a matter of time before I'm getting raged at again, so I'm getting ready for a change, and I started preparing long before I heard the claw backs. Best of luck to you.