The pain runs deep
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
The pain runs deep
The pain from our past runs deep. I try to pretend like it doesn't, but I am still very affected. Before I knew AH was an addict, I simply thought he liked being away from home, hanging out with friends, without me. I battled with loneliness in my marriage, and feeling unwanted, unworthy, unimportant, discarded... I could never figure out how to make him want to spend time with me. Once I found out AH was an addict, of course that explained the late nights and long hours I spent alone... That did not excuse it, but explained it. Now that he is in recovery, what happens to that damage? It is lingering. He still does things that really trigger those same feelings - things that make me feel like I am not worth fighting for. These things probably would not trigger such intense feelings had we not walked the path we did in the past, but those all to familiar feelings come on hard and fast, and are defeating me. I react by being protective, defensive, and sometimes abrasive and condescending in how I talk to him. Almost in a way to convey that "You discarded me in the past, I made it through a lot without you by my side, if you don't think I am important enough to do (x,y,z) then leave. I don't need you. That was proven in the past." ... This happened last night, again. And I am upset about it.
Ugh. I am sad.
Ugh. I am sad.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Wow, I applaud how observant and in touch you are with your behavior. That is very deep and a lot of folks can't seem to get there. I think I would look at my behavior after I looked into why I needed someone to validate my "worth". One thing I would remind myself right away with is the fact that you are a pretty amazing person to be in touch with this. You are reacting now out of resentment, but the root of it in the beginning is your not feeling worthy or discarded, when you should be thinking, "gosh, how crazy that he would not want to be with ME." I think you know you should think a lot of yourself, first and foremost.
Your resentments and behaviors are perfectly natural. If you are able to get your AH to talk about things, then just tell him how you feel and that this is why you act the way you do sometimes. Tell him that you are working on it. Owning your issue towards another may help you get over his part "with time". Unfortunately, there is the "time" thing. While doing what you can will speed up the process, it will still take a bit of time. Thanks for sharing this.
Your resentments and behaviors are perfectly natural. If you are able to get your AH to talk about things, then just tell him how you feel and that this is why you act the way you do sometimes. Tell him that you are working on it. Owning your issue towards another may help you get over his part "with time". Unfortunately, there is the "time" thing. While doing what you can will speed up the process, it will still take a bit of time. Thanks for sharing this.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Thank you totfit - alot. One thing I am good at is internally working through things and understanding them. A couple of things I am not so good at - talking about these things out loud (with AH for example) and reminding myself of my worthiness and self-worth. I appreciate you reminding me that my worth doesn't come from him or our relationship for that matter. That means a lot. Right now I am mad at myself for allowing my feelings sabotage who I want to be toward AH and potentially, over time, sabotage our progress -as slow as it may be.
I appreciate you writing!
I appreciate you writing!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
So sorry, Hope.
I gave up on trying to make things work with my STBAX. But not so long ago, I really thought our marriage was salvageable, and hoped with all of my being that we could weather the storm. Still, no matter how much I wanted it, the resentment lingered, and the trust was broken. I found myself being short with him often. It was just so hard, because he'd hurt me in so many ways and just expected a fresh start. Everything he'd done before was "because of the drugs", he just expected me to let go of it all because in his mind it wasn't really him that did any of it.
Anyway, his recovery didn't last, and many more issues surfaced. In a way, I'm glad, because I don't know if I could have ever regained the respect I once had for him.
That's not to say that this will happen to you, too. Just that I know how difficult it is. I remember praying that I could let things go and be loving toward him again. I even started reading about 50's housewives, trying to learn how to be more subservient.
Blessings to you. I hope you find peace soon.
I gave up on trying to make things work with my STBAX. But not so long ago, I really thought our marriage was salvageable, and hoped with all of my being that we could weather the storm. Still, no matter how much I wanted it, the resentment lingered, and the trust was broken. I found myself being short with him often. It was just so hard, because he'd hurt me in so many ways and just expected a fresh start. Everything he'd done before was "because of the drugs", he just expected me to let go of it all because in his mind it wasn't really him that did any of it.
Anyway, his recovery didn't last, and many more issues surfaced. In a way, I'm glad, because I don't know if I could have ever regained the respect I once had for him.
That's not to say that this will happen to you, too. Just that I know how difficult it is. I remember praying that I could let things go and be loving toward him again. I even started reading about 50's housewives, trying to learn how to be more subservient.
Blessings to you. I hope you find peace soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Hechosedrugs - Yes, the trust is so broken. In all that alone time he left me with during his use I was forced to become okay with spending time with only myself, then resentment grew, then it turned into a "I don't need you attitude" that I can't seem to get rid of when he causes a problem or pain to me now. It is very hard to heal that and talk about it when AH wants it to be left in the past because "that is not who he is anymore." While I am glad for that and understand he wants to leave that demon behind, I can't just wipe the slate clean where damage was done to me. I thought I could, but I can't - not really quickly anyways. The feelings don't hesitate to resurface when they're triggered.
You understand
You understand
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Hi Hope.
I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do. You have been hurt and your instinct is to self protect yourself. Especially if you spent so much time thinking that you were (to paraphrase) not good enough for him to want to be around, rather than realizing it was really a drug issue and not so much anything to do with you.
"You discarded me in the past, I made it through a lot without you by my side, if you don't think I am important enough to do (x,y,z) then leave. I don't need you. That was proven in the past."
I know you sorta feel bad about the above statement. But should you? The fact that you can and have done it with out him is important. You don't NEED him to survive. You want to be with him. Those are very different things.
When they stop using, it doesn't make all that has passed go away. There is still hurt and confusion. It doesn't magically fix everything.
I don't know if you have every had an addiction problem, but before I developed my own, I could never understand how my dads drinking had nothing to do with me, it affected my whole life, how could it have nothing to do with me? Maybe if he loved me enough, he would choose me over the bottle. I know now, fully, that it didn't. It had no bearing on me as a person, I just suffered by default. And it took me a good couple years after he stopped drinking to let go of; all the pain he'd caused, resentment, waiting for him to fall off the wagon, etc.
I am not sure how to tell you to get to where you want to be. Other than time. You are grieving the non-drug affected relationship you thought you were getting into. Your feelings are valid. Don't stuff them down. If he is in lasting recovery, the changes that come will ease it, but it won't happen over night.
Also, curious, did he have the drug problem since before you got with him? Cause sober him could end up being a whole lot different than the person you knew.
I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do. You have been hurt and your instinct is to self protect yourself. Especially if you spent so much time thinking that you were (to paraphrase) not good enough for him to want to be around, rather than realizing it was really a drug issue and not so much anything to do with you.
"You discarded me in the past, I made it through a lot without you by my side, if you don't think I am important enough to do (x,y,z) then leave. I don't need you. That was proven in the past."
I know you sorta feel bad about the above statement. But should you? The fact that you can and have done it with out him is important. You don't NEED him to survive. You want to be with him. Those are very different things.
When they stop using, it doesn't make all that has passed go away. There is still hurt and confusion. It doesn't magically fix everything.
I don't know if you have every had an addiction problem, but before I developed my own, I could never understand how my dads drinking had nothing to do with me, it affected my whole life, how could it have nothing to do with me? Maybe if he loved me enough, he would choose me over the bottle. I know now, fully, that it didn't. It had no bearing on me as a person, I just suffered by default. And it took me a good couple years after he stopped drinking to let go of; all the pain he'd caused, resentment, waiting for him to fall off the wagon, etc.
I am not sure how to tell you to get to where you want to be. Other than time. You are grieving the non-drug affected relationship you thought you were getting into. Your feelings are valid. Don't stuff them down. If he is in lasting recovery, the changes that come will ease it, but it won't happen over night.
Also, curious, did he have the drug problem since before you got with him? Cause sober him could end up being a whole lot different than the person you knew.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
Sephra -- I don't think I feel bad about that statement... In a sense it is empowering (I guess that would be the word??) to know I can rely on myself to take care of me and DS. The problem is the feelings I have and am showing toward AH when I'm giving off that "I don't need you" vibe.
I am grieving the non-drug affected relationship I thought I was going to get... That is true.
As far as his drug use before we met, I don't think he did. We met young and have been together for while. But with his upbringing, the drugs/pills were always right around the corner.
I am grieving the non-drug affected relationship I thought I was going to get... That is true.
As far as his drug use before we met, I don't think he did. We met young and have been together for while. But with his upbringing, the drugs/pills were always right around the corner.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so this "recovery" of his.....what does it LOOK like? and how long has he been clean?
does he appear humble?
is he attending meetings of any sort?
is he "present" to you and willing to listen?
is he employed?
does he help around the house and with DS without complaint?
does he appear humble?
is he attending meetings of any sort?
is he "present" to you and willing to listen?
is he employed?
does he help around the house and with DS without complaint?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think you are doing a great job in self-assessment and defining your needs. I see nothing wrong with communicating that, in a calm and non confrontational manner, and see if he listens...or tries to make the problem "you", which of course it isn't.
When one person is doing all the work in any relationship, it's time to decide if it's worth the effort or just spinning our wheels hoping for traction the 10th time around...30th time around...100th time around.
Take care of you and what you need in your life. You get to decide what that is and how you will or will not allow yourself to be treated.
Good luck.
Hugs
When one person is doing all the work in any relationship, it's time to decide if it's worth the effort or just spinning our wheels hoping for traction the 10th time around...30th time around...100th time around.
Take care of you and what you need in your life. You get to decide what that is and how you will or will not allow yourself to be treated.
Good luck.
Hugs
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