Lovemyson101

Hi all. Son called from jail again... I was reading his phone call because last time it got confrontational and he demanded that I bail him out. So I expected the worst when I picked up.
But it was very different this time. He told he is absolutely done with the drug life and he is "sick and tired of being a loser." He said this is not who he is (wholeheartedly agreed) and that he does not intend to continue living like this. Said that he wants to go to rehab and then college.
My question is... can I believe him? How do I know he means it? When can I be certain that the nightmare is really over?
I am so scared to wake up and find out that he's there again.

PhoenixJ

Hi Lovem/s. I do too, mine. There are threads here that help families and friends of people with addictions. Also groups such as al-anon (support meetings for families of alcoholics). Unfortunately your son has to really want to beat his addiction. Sometimes support -and love/ doing the right thing do not mix. Addiction can take over- and it becomes the only thing that matters. I am an alcoholic- I very nearly destroyed my family, they are better off without me. Remember not to forget your happiness, safety and people supporting you. My thoughts and prayers to you. Also has your son thought about detox (with medical supervision- can be unsafe) or rehab? That way he gets support and accepts responsibility for himself- something you cannot do. That is up to him. My prayers also again. Keep posting. SR is a safe, supportive place. PJ

Seren

Hi lovemyson,

I am so sorry to hear about the trouble your son has managed to find. I wish I could tell you that you could know just based on his words...but you can't. It is hopeful, to a certain extent, that he says he is done. But many an addict in jail has said that only to get out of jail and go right back to the drugs or the alcohol. My stepson being a prime example.

At this point, I tell my stepson I love him and I will support him in the next right thing. He has to want sobriety for himself and do the work for himself. If I try to intervene now, I could be interfering with an opportunity for him to find real and lasting recovery.

Many prayers for you and your precious son. ~S

Seren

I thought I would add that in my opinion, real recovery is marked by humility, rigorous honesty, and transparency in all relationships. It is real when the actions of the person match their words...and that takes time to reveal itself.

Ann

I only bailed my son out of jail once...he called crying and telling me how he was done with drugs and would do anything, anything, to get clean and sober again. He said if I bailed him out he would live at home and obey all the rules, attend meetings and do whatever we asked of him. He was so sad and heartbroken, I thought this was it so I paid bail.

We weren't even home yet, maybe 10 minutes after he got out, and he got out of the car to go use again...and the dance continued.

That's not to say that everyone who gets bail uses, it's just to say that their actions tell us so much more than their words.

You do what your heart thinks you need to to, and whatever you choose, please know that we're walking with you.

AnvilheadII

a lot remains to be seen.

if he is to remain in jail for a time, meaning already OFF drugs, then rehab might not be "necessary" - he's been before yes?

if he's in jail he also has some pending charges or court dates ahead, that may affect where he goes or what he does.

if he's in jail, he doesn't have any income. does he have a job to return to? if not, what will do to support himself. and i stress SUPPORT HIMSELF. it's great that he says he wants to go to rehab and then to college, but on whose dime? yours?

if i sound cynical, i am. people who are locked up say all kinds of things to those on the outside who care about them and are willing to go to any lengths to help them. and no, jail isn't a fun place. but that's where HE ended up due to HIS actions and choices. a little more time to stew in his own juices might not be a bad thing.

i know you want signs, any signs. but remain cautious and guarded. and keep that pocket book closed. you racing to FIX this for him will not bode well.

Lovemyson101

I am not going to bail him out. I'm afraid of the situation Ann wrote about. That would be y worst nightmare.... me paying just to let him go back to what he was doing before.

Anvil, he hasn't been to rehab yet. Back when we suggested it he packed up and moved to the other side of the country.
I keep thinking and imagining what this would be like once it's over. I know it's not healthy but I can't really stop it.
He didn't ask me to bail him out again. He didn't ask for money either. I can't stop asking myself if this is it.... I can't think about anything else really.
Again thank you all. Take care.

Ilovemysonjj

Aw I feel your anguish. It is so difficult to "hear" the words and not hope and pray they are true BUT addiction lies. He may be coming down and he may feel this way because he is in jail BUT if he is out without the commitment to change EVERYTHING about his life, than relapse is the real possibility. I "heard" these words from JJ two days ago, but when he didn't get a free ride (meaning I give him money for food, lodging, etc), he vanished again. I have offered the option of getting him a rehab after he detoxes however that is still not happening from his perspective. I would agree with Ann and Seren, sometimes doing nothing is just the exact right thing for us to do!

atalose

What does your instincts tell you? Not your hope or your wants but that deep down feeling tell you?

He’s only been in jail a week or so and no one likes jail, they all want out and often use whatever method they can to do so.

What does his attorney say? Has your son even spoken to an attorney? Who is paying for the attorney? Has the subject of a rehab come up other than by your son? What rehab facility does your son have in mind and who will be paying for that?

Allot of leg work needs to be done by HIM towards setting up HIS recovery via rehab. Usually the dedication of time and energy someone puts into something shows the level of their true commitment.

Ann

I think you are wise to sit this one out. He's safe, warm, fed and drug free where he is. Darn near as good as rehab. We are maybe the only mothers in the world you breathe a sigh of relief when our kids go to jail. The alternatives are worst.

Keeping your boy in my prayers, always.

Hugs

JimC60

Ilovemysonjj,

"I am not going to bail him out. I'm afraid of the situation Ann wrote about."
She offered good advice based on her own experience; you are being wise to embrace it.

"He didn't ask me to bail him out again. He didn't ask for money either."
I would take that as a good sign.

I have related this before.......

Codependent US:"My kid is in JAIL! I 've got to get him out!"
Rational US: He is being fed, clothed, sleeps in a bed, has medical care if needed, has heat and a roof over his head.....A-N-D....no drugs! He is safer and much less likely to die in jail than where he was just a few days ago.
Rational conclusion: My kid could be in a lot worse places and circumstances. I should relax a little.

"I can't think about anything else really."
I understand! It is easy to state the rational thoughts above, much harder to live them.....but you need to try. You can get by with a little help from your friends.

Remember the words of Mother Teresa: "I know that God will not give me more than I can handle, I just wish he did'nt trust me so much!"

Keep coming back,

Jim

FeelingGreat

He probably does mean it now, while memories of jail are fresh, but addiction is sneaky, and it would help if he was working a program to keep himself focussed.