He came by today..
 

Hey guys thanks so much for all the support words cant explain how wonderful it makes me feel. I hadn't seen my husbamd since last Wednesday something i was used to since he can go weeks without talking to me. He called around 5 and asked me if i was home and if our son was here and i said yes he then said he loved us and that he would talk to us later. Mind you he had been callinh all day i was just to scared to talk to him.. 30 minutes later theres a knock on my door and there he is. He wanted to surprise us. He told me how he loves me and how he will get right as long as i stick by his side and dont give him the negativity he said made him relapse. He is currently out visiting his mother and nothing was taken from me although i did feel a needle in his pocket.. What do i believe im so confused i just dont want to be disappointed and devasted again

Danger, danger.

Look, he is soooo not ready for recovery. He is BLAMING your "negativity" for his relapse. He's not taking responsibility for his addiction. That is literally the first step. The addict acknowledges that he as this awful addiction that is HIS problem and that HE needs to work on. He's not even on the first step! And then he has a NEEDLE in his pocket?

Run!

I can't know what he may be thinking, but it does seem as though all he is doing is talking, no action has been taken. And, you felt a needle in his pocket, and he wanted to blame you for his addiction...that, imho, does not at all sound like someone in recovery. And believe me, I know how heartbreaking this can be :hug:

Margaret, how long are you going to let him come and go at his own whim, while you are looking after his child? He seems to be using his home as a convenience.
You said you were 'scared' to answer the phone. Has he become violent or threatening in the past?
Do you have any local support like family or friends?

So he deigned to visit his child and wife, threw some blame your way, and has now disappeared again, having successfully hit the "pause" button on your life again.

When do you take control of your life? When do you get mad enough to point out you're not the one putting drugs in his body?

Let me translate: "I'm going to keep dangling hope in front of you just often enough that you'll keep lowering your expectations of me to the point where I can do whatever I want and you'll put up with it."

I have a miserable cold so I'm crankier than usual but this post made me put my virtual hands on my hips and my foot start tapping. I think I also curled my lip and growled a little.

Tell him to shove it.

:a043:

I am so sorry you are going through this. Sometimes addicts act and say things that are so wrong and blaming, it's shocking.

It might help you to imagine for a moment if it was your son that felt the needle. What if he poked himself with it? Visualizing this might help you gain the strength to figure out how to put you and your son first. Sending positive vibes, I know this is very hard.

Blaming your negativity for his behavior is a deplorable excuse. In not taking responsibility for his actions and alcoholism he's telling you I don't care about you. I care about me. I apologize if this comes off as hard, but it's the truth.

Doesn't sound like he's ready yet, margaret. Sorry to say. Live your life. Keep your family safe, and don't count on him for anything.

Please don’t mistake him calling all day as a sign he really loves you and wants and needs you. His lack of impulse control, his demanding harassing phone call behavior is not a sign of love but rather the sign of a desperate out of control addict wanting what he wants when he wants it. You are NOT his salvation; he doesn’t need you in order to get clean. And clearly you felt what you felt in his pocket – a needle! Not the sign of anyone wanting to get clean. Had he asked you to drop him off at a detox, well then yea maybe but right now it’s just words….bla – bla – bla.

You claim nothing was taken from you………..I disagree………your emotional health has been taken from you due his addiction.

Believe and accept that he is an addict. An addict not ready to stop using, and you won’t be disappointed or devastated but rather on the road of your own recovery.

no he has never been threatening im scared in the sense of my own feelings and im scared to feel betrayed again or hear his voice on the phone and just start crying because i just miss him and want to let him in when i shouldnt

It's a very basic human instinct to do whatever it takes to make ourselves feel good. Addicts do whatever they can to use their substance of choice as soon as possible. Us enablers/codependents do whatever the addict wants as soon as possible, so we don't have to deal with feeling uncomfortable.

When my daughter was in rehab and during family week, the counselor told all of us loved ones that we had to learn how to say no. She said if we couldn't, we had no business dating, getting married, or having children.

Margaret, please use this time in your life getting to know yourself and loving yourself. Learn how to say no, how to stand up for yourself, and feel good about it, too! Your son needs you to do that, and he needs you to teach him how to do that, too.

Err...sure, he will get it right.

And I'll replace Eddie Van Halen on guitar in his band, too.

I think, Margaret, it's important for you to understand that he's going to use whatever you do or don't you. When he feeds you a load a bunk like this, he's trying to put the responsibility of his choices upon your shoulders while saying "I love you."

Don't fall for it.