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Married to an addict in denial

Old 12-05-2016, 04:14 PM
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Married to an addict in denial

This is my first thread, and my first attempt to reach out for advice and help. I've been so alone in this.

I recently got married to the first guy I ever loved. We were together 8years ago crazy in love, but I wasn't aware of his xanax addiction. It all went to **** when he broke his elbows and got prescribed Vicodin which eventually evolved into xanax bars. I put my foot down at that point and told him to stop and gave him space while I stayed at a friends (we had our first place together) and he got his ex to come over and have sex with him. I walked In on them naked in bed and left and moved to ny.

8 years later we start talking again and I gave him another chance I felt like. Yet again unaware that he is still a xanax addict. I left my moms house because of a bad step parent situation and he offered me a place to stay. It's been such an unhealthy relationship man, his dad enables him because his dad gets prescribed the xanax, and he is already a huge daddy's boy. So it's been months of crazy moods from every other day or week taking a hand full of xanax. I got pregnant with our boy, we got married, slowly but surely he recognizes he is an addict, it has been horrible all the lies, and having not a clue what's going on. we have gotten through about 3 months of him not taking any pills.

We went to his dads house yesterday to visit, his dad is obviously zonked out on his med, his sister (also an addict in the midst of losing her daughter and doing time for a dwi) is home recovering from a car wreck, aka has pills. We get home as soon as he hits the couch he's out.

Today, he got so pissed off at me over a petty misunderstanding to the point he is in my face screaming, jacks me up yelling, drags me to a chair, and threatens multiple times to take my son from me.

I'm at my wits end, he insists he hasn't taken anything, told me he had 8 beers at work. I feel like I've been so blind to it for so long I can't believe anything he says. It starting to make me feel like am I desperate for staying with him. The past 3 months he has been clean have been great, but today it's like nothing has changed.
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Old 12-05-2016, 06:43 PM
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you've mentioned physical abuse. that trumps everything else. your safety must come first. he is unstable and you are in danger. he is the exact man you found in bed with another woman, just a few years older.

sorry to be harsh. but he has threatened you, physically assaulted you. he is using. it is real and scary and must be ended, for you and the child
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Old 12-05-2016, 09:41 PM
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Hi Kasiodo,

Before I begin, I want to welcome you to the forums and I want you to know that nothing that happened is your fault. There are so many individuals who get stuck in a situation like yours and feel lost and alone. I was one of them myself, as well as many others who you will probably speak to here. We understand and we are here to help.

It's a very emotional time for you, and when you're in the middle of it all, it's harder to see reason than it is for other people, but you came here because deep down you know there is a problem, and deep down you know that true love is not made with someone who would willingly cheat on you, and physically/emotionally hurt and abuse you. You are trying to take the right steps and that’s a good thing.

You say your husband has been clean for three months, are you positive? If addicts are good at anything, it’s lying, and I wouldn’t trust that he’s been clean for three months. I know you want to help him, but I think you know that right now it’s not about him, or even you, it’s about your son. He’s growing up in an unhealthy environment and there is a very good chance it could negatively impact him later on in life if he’s not removed from it. I doubt that you would want him to grow up and do to another woman what your husband is doing to you.

I honestly truly feel like your best chance is to take the time to help your son before you try to help your husband if you still plan on it, and I want you to know that I honestly don’t think taking the time to help your husband is worth it. My situation wasn’t as scary as yours, but, I tried to help my addict boyfriend realize his drug addiction for over five years, and nothing EVER worked. His usage ended up getting much worse and eventually he kicked me to the curb when he realized that he could just hang around enablers all day instead of a “nagging girlfriend”. Even though he told me he wanted to get back together in the future when he had his addiction under control, he found another girl to bang not even a month down the road. I think your husband knows that he has a problem, but until he is truly ready to accept and fix it, 99% of the time there is nothing you can do except make sure you and your loved ones are happy and safe. He will take the steps to find help himself when he is truly ready.

If it is possible, I would try to do something like find a small place in the area and tell your husband through a letter or text that you weren’t coming back until he decided that his son was worth getting help for. I wouldn’t tell him where you were either, for safety reasons. Normally I wouldn’t try to tell someone to get out, because I understand how extremely hard it can be for someone in your situation; it was hard for me, hence why I was the one who ended up getting dumped (and I wasn’t even married), but you managed to leave this guy once already, and now you have a son; I’m sure you want to do what’s in his best interest.

Please keep posting if you have any other questions or just want to talk, we are here for you.
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by ErzaLee View Post
Hi Kasiodo,

Before I begin, I want to welcome you to the forums and I want you to know that nothing that happened is your fault. There are so many individuals who get stuck in a situation like yours and feel lost and alone. I was one of them myself, as well as many others who you will probably speak to here. We understand and we are here to help.

It's a very emotional time for you, and when you're in the middle of it all, it's harder to see reason than it is for other people, but you came here because deep down you know there is a problem, and deep down you know that true love is not made with someone who would willingly cheat on you, and physically/emotionally hurt and abuse you. You are trying to take the right steps and that’s a good thing.

You say your husband has been clean for three months, are you positive? If addicts are good at anything, it’s lying, and I wouldn’t trust that he’s been clean for three months. I know you want to help him, but I think you know that right now it’s not about him, or even you, it’s about your son. He’s growing up in an unhealthy environment and there is a very good chance it could negatively impact him later on in life if he’s not removed from it. I doubt that you would want him to grow up and do to another woman what your husband is doing to you.

I honestly truly feel like your best chance is to take the time to help your son before you try to help your husband if you still plan on it, and I want you to know that I honestly don’t think taking the time to help your husband is worth it. My situation wasn’t as scary as yours, but, I tried to help my addict boyfriend realize his drug addiction for over five years, and nothing EVER worked. His usage ended up getting much worse and eventually he kicked me to the curb when he realized that he could just hang around enablers all day instead of a “nagging girlfriend”. Even though he told me he wanted to get back together in the future when he had his addiction under control, he found another girl to bang not even a month down the road. I think your husband knows that he has a problem, but until he is truly ready to accept and fix it, 99% of the time there is nothing you can do except make sure you and your loved ones are happy and safe. He will take the steps to find help himself when he is truly ready.

If it is possible, I would try to do something like find a small place in the area and tell your husband through a letter or text that you weren’t coming back until he decided that his son was worth getting help for. I wouldn’t tell him where you were either, for safety reasons. Normally I wouldn’t try to tell someone to get out, because I understand how extremely hard it can be for someone in your situation; it was hard for me, hence why I was the one who ended up getting dumped (and I wasn’t even married), but you managed to leave this guy once already, and now you have a son; I’m sure you want to do what’s in his best interest.

Please keep posting if you have any other questions or just want to talk, we are here for you.


Thank you so much for your support, I am very grateful. I'm in such a sticky situation I feel stuck. We live at my moms house, she is finally getting a divorce and kicked out her mentally abusive husband. So my husband is working everyday and helping pay rent. I honestly do believe he hasn't been taking pills because we don't go to his dads as often, we don't have the money for it, and he has been overall tremendously better. He told be he got out of hand because he had 8 beers at work. I told him I want a **** test just for the peace of mind. He eventually agreed to it but I know it'll be out his system soon. I want to support him and help him adjust to a healthy lifestyle, but it's like how much am I supposed to take. Am I in denial? Am I desperate? Am I being to untrustworthy? I just never know what to think.
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Old 12-06-2016, 11:23 AM
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Welcome to the Board. I hate reading stuff like this:

Today, he got so pissed off at me over a petty misunderstanding to the point he is in my face screaming, jacks me up yelling, drags me to a chair, and threatens multiple times to take my son from me.
It's important that you know and understand that there are no circumstances where this is acceptable behavior. This is physical abuse, and you have done nothing to warrant or deserve this.

With that out of the way...

I'm of the opinion that it doesn't matter if the addict is in denial or not. That's because we have no control over what they think or do. What does matter is what we think and what we do. Based on a lot of evidence that's staring you in the face, you know enough to conclude your AH is in no way prepared to be a responsible, accountable spouse. In fact, just the opposite. And he, by his actions, expects you to put up with it.

You don't have to put up with anything. There is nothing that says just because you're married you're obligated to put up with physical or emotional abuse.

We have some women here who've been through similar spots. My hope is they'll pipe up soon. When they do, pay close attention. Know that we have your back.

And please, do what is necessary to protect yourself.
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:29 PM
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He told be he got out of hand because he had 8 beers at work.
Booze/drugs are NO EXCUSE for physical abuse EVER!!!!

Am I in denial?
In my opinion YES

Am I being to untrustworthy?
NO, your instincts are screaming at you that something is not right and booze/drugs are the highlight of that picture.

Am I desperate?
Only you can answer that.

The national hotline for domestic violence is: 1-800-799-7233
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Old 12-06-2016, 12:53 PM
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Kasiodo,

Welcome to the forum, an excellent place to vent and if you will listen, get some really good advice.

Unlike the advice that you might get from professional counselors, most of the advice offered here was discovered the hard way -- first hand at great physical, emotional and financial cost.

I will not offer any direct advice, but I will share part of my daughter's recovery story and let you draw your own conclusions as to your situation which is even more complex since there is a child involved.

"Once upon a time there were two recovering heroin addicts".......K (my daughter) who had been clean for about 23 months and N (male) who had been clean for almost 3 years. They had met each other at NA meetings and both suddenly found themselves in need of finding a new place to live. With the blessing of both of their NA sponsors they moved into a 2 bedroom apartment and maintained a platonic relationship as room mates.

Everything was good for a while and eventually they became boyfriend / girlfriend. Then N was injured; need surgery and was prescribed opiate pills as pain killers (how stupid can the medical professionals be?). N quickly relapsed and K followed him.

N was a very different person when he was using - consistently verbally abusive and very occasionally, physically abusive. Sounding at all familiar?

"The past 3 months he has been clean have been great, but today it's like nothing has changed."

K stuck with him, thinking she could "cure" him. Sponsors, counselors, friends, parents, everyone told her to get out NOW.

After about 6 months of this BS, K and N both decided they would go to rehab and see what happened afterwards. They stored K's furnishings and what little N had in a storage unit and went to separate rehabs; supposedly N and K alternated paying the monthly rent, but K ended up paying much more frequently.

N&K got out of rehab and agreed not to see each other for a while while they worked on their recoveries. They stayed in touch via text and phone. K had moved to a different town for rehab, N stayed in their original town.

They had a chance meeting in the parking lot of the courthouse (it's complicated and way too involved to repeat here); N boasted to K that he had a new girlfriend and that he was done with her. This hurt K, but foolishly she did not give up.

Some time later N relapsed (again) and started texting K with the usual lines of addict BS -- K fell for it . They "got back together" just long enough for him to "share" his STD. K discovered the STD and informed him that he was infected - he was the only sexual partner she had had in months, so it was pretty clear where the STD came from. Instead of quietly getting treated, N decided he should spread the word around town to the NA community that K had given him an STD -- this was not surprising behavior when N was actively using. This upsets K again, but she will not give up on him -- she knows she can save him from himself if she just hangs in there.

She goes to very limited contact and is doing a good job on her recovery and on generally ignoring N who continues in active addiction.

One day the phone rings, it is the lady who runs the storage facility where K's furniture is stored while she is living in a halfway house in a different town. The lady told K that N had been there and had taken "a lot of stuff" out of the unit. She suspected that he was stealing her possessions, but could not do anything since N's name was also on the contract.

K drove to the unit and checked it out -- N left one box of dishes, some of her clothes and her mattress -- everything else was gone - TV, bedroom furniture, tables, lamps, all the kitchen stuff. She is back at zero when she moves out of the halfway.

K finally saw the light and has sworn off N for good (we hope).

So, the question for you is just how many chances do you want to hand out? How many times do you need to be hurt? Sounds like he already has several strikes against him -- how many more are you willing to allow?

You need to do whatever is best for you and your child.

Keep coming back,

Jim
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Old 12-06-2016, 01:06 PM
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Since you may be facing a custody battle in the future, my best advice is to document everything and if he ever puts his hands on you again to call 911 (not only because no one should ever touch you but so there is a police report). I would also recommend not allowing him to be alone with your son ever until he can prove to you he is clean for an extended period of time. I am a big advocate of a hair follicle test. Drugs stay in your hair at least 90 days. As we all know urine tests are so easy to cheat and drugs don't stay in your blood for very long at all. I wouldn't recommend a home drug test as these aren't admissible in court and you may need it one day. I am so sorry you are going through this. You and your son deserve better.
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Old 12-06-2016, 06:55 PM
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I'm at my wits end, he insists he hasn't taken anything, told me he had 8 beers at work.
He has taken something. He's consuming alcohol. And he's doing it at work. Which is a big honking flag. It also means that you should prepare yourself financially if/when he loses his job.

If you take a peek at the Friend and Family of Alcoholics forum, you'll see this story play out so many times. Alcoholic gets abusive and blames the alcohol, as if that's supposed to make the situation better. The fact of the matter is that you are still being abused.

I was in a abusive situation myself as a kid, and it was not fun at all. I actually practiced much of the minimizing that you're doing right now.

You can read

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6067516

for all the details.

You have a kid. Do you want him to be subjected to this kind of abuse?
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