Sephra

Well, it has been a rollercoaster week.
After saying he wanted out, husband said he'd be willing to work on things. So I did a lot of soul searching and we tried talking (not easy when we are both flailing.) He sees a lot of the issues as caused by me. Resents me a heck of a lot. I have been trying since he left for a week 3 months ago, to fix issues, work on things. It's not enough. He wanted an answer on whether I was 100% in. And I am not there yet. I was the first time he came back. But not now. I was willing on keeping exploring the possibility, to figure it out. Which I have been working to do with journalling, etc. but he wanted off the rollercoaster now. Which I get, its exhausting. But I feel like he forced my hand. And I cant do it. Right now.
So all that is awful. Sad. Devastating.
In the midst of all that. ss relapsed for real this time. Didn't come home the other night, returned yesterday and admitting using.
All of this .... for that.
How very very sad.
It's not my problem anymore, but how the heck do you shut that off. I still love them both. Am worried as heck about them both.
Its just so awful.
I am trying to keep in mind, that I have done everything I knew possible to help and love them. I can't fix either of them. I can't help them. Whats going on is not helping anyone involved and is just toxic at this point.
I am scared of the future. For everyone involved.

Ann

He seems to want to blame you, taking none of the responsibility for this upon himself. He knows what he wants...he wants you to do what he wants.

The question is, do you want to do what he wants and set your own needs and recovery aside?

You don't have to do anything, doing nothing is an action. You can take your time and decide what kind of life you want to live....and if he chooses to call it quits in the meantime, then there really wasn't much there to salvage.

Take care of yourself, dear. What he wants no longer matters. You get to decide how you live your life...with him or without him.

I love my son too, but reached the point a long time ago where I could no longer be part of his world of addiction. That didn't stop me loving him...but it meant I could love myself again and live a life worth living, regardless of what his choices are.

Good luck, hope one day you wake up and know exactly what you want from life...because you do have a choice and life will wait for you.

Hugs

dandylion

Sephra.....they will both be o.k. and survive. They are both takers.

You are the one who is most likely to suffer the most in the current arrangement.
You are the most vulnerable. You at the one who is inclined to give more than you get.....your heart is the most likely to be crushed...slowly....like death by a thousand paper cuts.

I have a feeling that you are most afraid of being alone and facing the future by yourself...?
That will take care of itself. Look at it this way...if you can take care of two other people (and lots m ore)....you have more strength than you know.
You can take care of one person, just fine...lol...

SmallButMighty

Unfortunately your husband is codependent. And just like an addict/alcoholic, a codependent behaves in unhealthy ways. I know this because I was codependent to my exhusbands alcoholism for a long time. My fear and my pain caused me to act erratically, blame shift, make excuses...manipulate. I was just as sick as he was even though it was him doing the drinking. I think your husband is probably in the same shoes with his son as I was with my qualifier.

My behaviors didn't just affect my (ex)husband and myself but definitely bled into my other relationships as well. Especially since I had teenagers at the time.. Ugggg... yeah trying to control their behavior worked out so well for all of us...


I am sorry you are having this struggle. I understand how upsetting and confusing loving addicts and codependents (my mother is the lifelong epitome of a Codie) can be...and how much it hurts when we finally decide we need to make and enforce boundaries for our own good.

I also know how scary the whole situation is, for all of you. Try not to future trip, it's so anxiety inducing. I know that is more easily said then done.

Please take care of you.

*HUGS*

Sephra

I am not so afraid to be alone as I've done it before. I know fully that one way or another I can take care of myself just fine and that helps. I have (most of the time) a pretty good grip on who I am and I am comfortable with me. There will be adjustments I know.
Before this whole trip I never understood co dependancy.
Much like the rest of this ride it has been an education. I've learned that living with a codie can be just as damaging as living with the addict.
I am starting to examine my codie ways also.
It just makes me sad that everything can turn do quickly but I guess I need to face the fact that it hasn't been quick you just lose sight of the madness when you are living it.

Ilovemysonjj

Hugs Sephra. Ann has said something to me that always helps me when I go into the Overwhelm mode. "The world will still turn today without your help.".
That helps ease my anxiety that I have to do something to fix the problem.
Addiction steals the hearts and souls of our loved ones as well as the codies (Hi, that's me!) who will continually run at the football that Lucy is holding, expecting the result to be different.

Its taken me a LONG time to get to the point to actually not run at the football, but to let Lucy know I don't feel like playing anymore.

Hugs
TT

Sephra

I came home after finding out ss used yesterday and he is gone to pick up his paycheck with the guy he was with when relapsing. His father is waiting on his phone call to see if he will be coming home tonight. Its past the curfew time of his diversion now. No consequences at all. I have to take a deep breath and remember its no longer my problem. Hes making arrangements to leave. It will just take some time to pack find a place etc

PhoenixJ

Sephra, my thoughts and prayers to you and your family. PJ

Sephra

Boxes everywhere. Pictures off the wall. Hard to watch him packing up Stepson still gone. Youngest stepdaughter came up to be with her dad they are currently out where oldest stepdaughter tends bad.

AnvilheadII

ugh sephra.....can YOU go somewhere tonite so you don't have to WATCH this departure process???

Sephra

I am holed up in my room. Watching a movie having a drink (so no driving) and hoping for sleep tonight.

dandylion

Sephra.....I thought you meant that the stepson was making arrangements to move out......So, it is your husband...??.....

Sephra...I know that this isn't easy to go through....and you may shed some tears, for sure....but, I do think that you have been up against some forces that you simply could not change....
Hold tight...because I think that you will feel a tremendous weight off your shoulders, as time goes on....

When the cage door opens....the thing for the little bird is to do is to fly straight away toward the blue sky.....

Sephra

Yeah. Just really really sad