here4advice

Hi im new here. My partner of 2yrs relapsed and broke up with me. First time around was 8months ago when he got so out of it on valium and weed he didnt remember the break up. I said id take him back if he went counselling and went drs. He fully engaged in this and we had a real good relationship for ages seeing him sober was beautiful. He even started uni with my support, then paid off debts and did so well treating me nice and me him nice too. Then his drug dealer friend turned up out of the blue on his door step and he went on a relapse which resulting in him breaking up with me. Hes now saying he didnt mean it hes sorry he didnt mean it. But im 50/50. I dont know what to think. Hes got his mum calling me too saying its a temporary blip dont throw it away. I do believe hes sorry but i dont know how to trust him -if he had communicated with me that he was feeling like he needs support prior to this we couldve got hold of his counsellor. But he didnt talk to me. Or anyone.
Do others give more chances and then it works or am i signing up for another break up when he next gets an urge for weed? Help and advice appreciated xxx thank you
I did post earlier but cant find it now

Mountainmanbob

I would let him know that he has broken your heart more than once.
This is something that mature ones do not do to loved ones.
It's now time for us to take a serious (Time Out.)

Let him know that it's real this time.
Lay down the law and stick to it.
Give yourself plenty of time so as to sort this all out.

A (real) Time Out Is In Order -- 3 months to 6 months ??????
Note -- even if he stays sober for 3 months to 6 months
that's not really very long.
Time for you to think -- at least 3 months to 6 months.
Many I know would tell you to take a year off.

Good luck,
M-Bob

here4advice

Thank you mbob im definately having time at the moment to think and he lives an hours drive from me so its a little easier to create space. Do you think a no contact (emails messages etc) time out by the way or a no meet up time out? And thank you for your support i truly appreciate it xx

dandylion

here14advice.....I concur with Mountainman.....that a time out is certainly in order....
I will go even a little further and say that if you do choose the "time out" course....remember that he is not the most important person in your world---You are! You are responsible for your own happiness, regardless of what anyone else in this world does.
You are responsible for your decisions, and the consequences...good or bad. The outcome is on you.

I have a couple more concepts to add: 1. If you take a time out...make it a complete time out---otherwise, it is just biding your time....
Continue to live an independent life....no promises of the future..
You are not a stuffed toy to be taken down off the shelf when it suits him.....
"time out" is not the same as putting your life on hold and waiting for someone else to "come around"....

2. There is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor, of course....but, to me, it seems a very thin substitute for an intensive program...like 12 steps of AA, or NA..complete with regular meetings and a sponsor, in addition to a counselor.
Those who want genuine sobriety for the rest of their life will do whatever it takes to ach ieve that. It is their number one priority.....

I encourage you to hang around and read and learn. Learn everything you can...
Knowledge is power....

You have one life and you are standing at a crossroad...I hope that you make your decsions in terms of what is in your best interest, in the Big Picture.....
You may have to take the road less traveled...but, that is o.k......

zoso77

Welcome to the Board.

This is a difficult time to be dealing with what you're dealing with. With that in mind, let's cut to the chase:

Well, what does your gut tell you? In my experience, those of us who have been dealing with a loved one in active addiction do have a gut feeling as to what's really going on. But for reasons of the heart, we often ignore what our gut is telling us.

So, what to do. Read as much as you can. Learn and understand what it is you're dealing with. And once you understand what you're dealing with, that's when you can make your best decision...provided you do not allow yourself to be hijacked by wishful thinking.

I'm glad you posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

AnvilheadII

in two years he had to BIG relapses.....not small incidents, like had ONE drink or found ONE pill, but major using events. both of which included him deciding to dump you.

this tells me he has a LOT of inner work yet to do. the addict beast is still very much nipping at his heels and when it comes-a-callin' he has zero defense. and YOU dear precious H4A become collateral damage. and off you go into the discard pile.

as you already live apart, creating space is more easily accomplished. right now he doesn't have what it takes to be anybody's BF, he needs to be his OWN friend and focus 100% on getting his act together. there are NO guarantees he will be clean and sober now for the rest of his natural born days. that will be up to him.

atalose

You’ve already given him a second chance, giving him a 3rd is like giving him an extra bullet for their gun, because they missed you the first time.

Then the 3rd chance turns into a 4th and a5th…………..it becomes the nature/cycle of the relationship.

If it were me, NO I would cut my losses and move on.

August252015

At LEAST a year.

And focus on yourself during this time. Things, and he, might look very different then.