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Old 11-29-2016, 04:38 AM
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still lost

Yesterday there was a counseling appt. Husband came with. It seemed important to him to try to be there. But once he was there, it didn't feel like he was very open to it.
My head is still spinning too much for me to get a grasp. Today I am just going through the motions and trying to get through the day.
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Old 11-29-2016, 04:50 AM
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I cannot offer any advice Seph. I can offer you support (as we all do) as well as my prayers. PJ
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Old 11-29-2016, 05:25 AM
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Sephra, first counseling appointments are about setting the tone and getting to know the counselor and he/she getting to know you.

Give it time, don't give up. If, after several visits, you aren't feeling better about this, try another counselor. It took me a couple of tries to get one that connected well with me.

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Old 11-29-2016, 05:47 AM
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Sephra.....I am wondering if the fact that your husband wanted to go to the counseling session has made your situation feel more complicated?
I am under the jmpression that he was resistant to the idea of counseling, from the get go.
do you think that he is on to the idea that you may be considering a separation and he is doing a "hail Mary" in an attempt to thwart any ideas you may have of leaving the relationship?
Do I remember correctly---that he recently let you know that he didn't want to be with you, any way---talking out of two sides of his mouth?
(did I get that straight?)......
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:01 AM
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I'm so sorry Sephra that you are going through this. The fact that your husband felt the need to be present at the appointment is something, yes? Ann is right - sometimes it takes a couple tries before people open up.

My parents are very averse to counseling of all sorts. When my mom got diagnosed with cancer, we saw a social worker a number of times (I dragged the whole family in there.). My father, in particular, was somewhat taciturn the first go around. He was mortified when I had to call in a psych evaluation after my mom threatened suicide. He didn't want anybody prying into our business.

When he got diagnosed with cancer, the hospital scheduled a counselor's appointment along with his initial oncologist meeting. Same counselor as we saw for my mom, so I was expecting the same closed-mouth meeting. But this time, my dad just opened up, and talked and talked and talked. He finally had it. He could no longer keep it in.

Sometimes, they just need to be ready.
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:06 AM
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Well, I wasn't sure what the expect really. I like this counselor and think she will work well for me.
Definitely talking out of two sides of his mouth. One minutes he said he wants out, the next that he loves me and wants to make it work. (He left about 3 months ago, for a week, to get his head straight.) It has left me with huge trust issues. And to hear that again, after he came back... I can't unhear it no matter how I try, even as he tells me he wants to make it work.
Im just floundering over here. Logically I know I can end this at any time. Take back my power to put an end to it. Take control. But I feel paralyzed. I don't want to.
Man if logic and emotions could line up life would be easy.

Edited to add: I also know he's floundering too, and that his life is also crashing. Instead of bonding us, its just trashed us hard.
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:20 AM
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Sephra....I wonder if the counseling is going to be marital counseling or individual counseling? They are two different things....
I get the feeling that you could use individual counseling for yourself...even if you and your husband have marital counseling....

this is what I have observed, over time...both with myself and others---that a basically solid relationship grows closer in the fact of outside stressors....
and, sketchy o nes grow more apart in the face of crisis.....
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:30 AM
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Its just sad. After 10 years we have gone through some things that have definitely brought us closer... this one though... no. Its his kid, I guess, he feels the need to protect him, even from me. Its too bad, that he cant see that I am still trying to help.

I guess the counseling is going to be more for me, but he's welcome if he wants. I think he is just going so that he can say he did. He really was closed off there, but made comments before that I didn't seem to want to go. I just think its hard going in there and being that open and honest about raw emotions (but how would it work if your not willing to go elbows deep) So I go, and do the best I kind. Therapy is work. I'm not going skipping in there. But I am trying.
Is he trying by being there or just placating me. Were defenses up that will come down, or just wasting time. Who knows. The only thing I know, is I'll be at that appt. next week.
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Old 11-29-2016, 06:45 AM
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Sephra....Yes, do keep at it, yourself. If you are tenacious and are willing to "go elbows deep", yourself....more will surely be revealed to you......
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Old 11-30-2016, 04:02 AM
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Sephra

I hope that since you seem to like your therapist you will continue to go. You deserve to seek out and receive support for you. In time, clarity and peace will come...and you will know what it is you want to do without waiting for the decisions and actions of your husband and/or stepson.

Please take good care!
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Old 11-30-2016, 05:17 AM
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I hate the waffling.
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Old 11-30-2016, 05:26 AM
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Sephra- my feelings and logical thoughts often clash I should have done such and such. If only I DID THIS..... 3 things help me- SMART meetings (?al anon?), counselling and SR. That way I can explore a true balance (?) a connection between the 2. That way later on- I know I made the best decision at the time. An informed decision made with some care. PJ
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Old 11-30-2016, 05:31 AM
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I was a part of SMART for a good number of years. Its what got me sober. I still use what I learned there. I am still reaching out here. Still got the counseling appt. and reaching out to people I trust in real life. Doing a lot of journalling. Trying to practice self care and be gentle. Trying to find a grip and think about what I really want and need and should do.
I am so sure one minute and flailing the next. Life is hard.
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Old 11-30-2016, 05:34 AM
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Labile emotions abound in times of stress- yep. I at least am mindful not to make decisions if I have very strong emotions. Try and wait until the dust to settle. Like I do not send emails when I feel angry.
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