I saw a counselor today
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I saw a counselor today
After a less than stellar experience in my teens, those are words I never thought I’d say again.
But today I was studying… well, I was supposed to be studying. Instead all I could do was obsess.
“My kids are with him and they’re not safe.”
I couldn’t turn that thought off for the life of me.
So I started calling around. “Hello, I’d like to see a counselor; do you have an opening in half an hour?”
I called about 6 different places. And then finally someone said “Yes.” I cried and made my way over.
I didn’t expect much. Just to be listened to and asked, “How does that make you feel?”
But she really shocked me. I told her my story and she listened patiently. Then she told me:
“We are going to make you a warrior for your babies. And you are going to fight for 100% custody. Will that mean breaking a court order and disappearing with your kids for two weeks? Maybe.”
Wha-wha-what? Break a court order???
Turns out this woman is not just a counselor, but a social worker as well. She said my case was severely mishandled (tell me something I don’t know!) and that (lightbulb!) I don’t have to accept the outcome I was dealt, and shouldn’t.
Wow. I guess I’d just gotten so used to thinking I’d fought and lost, and all that was left was to wait for him to mess up. She doesn’t seem to think so.
I told her my dad is through paying my lawyer for all of this. She told me to forget my lawyer- that she hadn’t done anything for me, anyway. People file these things without lawyers all the time, she said, and she was here to help me. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to text 411 for important, 911 for emergency. She said she is even willing to come with me to drop offs if I feel something is amiss. A part of me wonders if she's really serious- my lawyer talked a big game about how she had my back, but in the end I could barely get her to return my emails. Is she just desperate for a steady client? I would so love to have a social worker on my side!
Anyway, it was all so refreshing, so validating. I think I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt for not fighting harder, because deep down I know I should have, despite what my lawyer and the mediator had to say.
In a way, I’m thankful I didn’t get full custody right off the bat. This experience has made me a way better mother- I’m more patient, more loving, and have been doing my best to make the most of our time together. But now I’m ready.
I think it's about time for round two.
But today I was studying… well, I was supposed to be studying. Instead all I could do was obsess.
“My kids are with him and they’re not safe.”
I couldn’t turn that thought off for the life of me.
So I started calling around. “Hello, I’d like to see a counselor; do you have an opening in half an hour?”
I called about 6 different places. And then finally someone said “Yes.” I cried and made my way over.
I didn’t expect much. Just to be listened to and asked, “How does that make you feel?”
But she really shocked me. I told her my story and she listened patiently. Then she told me:
“We are going to make you a warrior for your babies. And you are going to fight for 100% custody. Will that mean breaking a court order and disappearing with your kids for two weeks? Maybe.”
Wha-wha-what? Break a court order???
Turns out this woman is not just a counselor, but a social worker as well. She said my case was severely mishandled (tell me something I don’t know!) and that (lightbulb!) I don’t have to accept the outcome I was dealt, and shouldn’t.
Wow. I guess I’d just gotten so used to thinking I’d fought and lost, and all that was left was to wait for him to mess up. She doesn’t seem to think so.
I told her my dad is through paying my lawyer for all of this. She told me to forget my lawyer- that she hadn’t done anything for me, anyway. People file these things without lawyers all the time, she said, and she was here to help me. She gave me her cell phone number and told me to text 411 for important, 911 for emergency. She said she is even willing to come with me to drop offs if I feel something is amiss. A part of me wonders if she's really serious- my lawyer talked a big game about how she had my back, but in the end I could barely get her to return my emails. Is she just desperate for a steady client? I would so love to have a social worker on my side!
Anyway, it was all so refreshing, so validating. I think I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt for not fighting harder, because deep down I know I should have, despite what my lawyer and the mediator had to say.
In a way, I’m thankful I didn’t get full custody right off the bat. This experience has made me a way better mother- I’m more patient, more loving, and have been doing my best to make the most of our time together. But now I’m ready.
I think it's about time for round two.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I did it without a lawyer.
I had filed to get child support through the state. And the day I got to court, he showed up with a lawyer (who had the reputation of a tenacious bulldog) and was going for custody. Talk about being smacked upside the head! The judge gave me the opportunity to postpone it and get a lawyer, and by that point I was so spent and jagged that I just wanted it over with so I told the judge to proceed. And you know what, I won. Judge saw right through him.
The system is not easy to navigate with or with out a lawyer, especially since when we need it, we are not usually in good shape. Keep in mind though, judges see the crap all the time, and hopefully you get a good one. Keep trucking, it will be over at some point.
I had filed to get child support through the state. And the day I got to court, he showed up with a lawyer (who had the reputation of a tenacious bulldog) and was going for custody. Talk about being smacked upside the head! The judge gave me the opportunity to postpone it and get a lawyer, and by that point I was so spent and jagged that I just wanted it over with so I told the judge to proceed. And you know what, I won. Judge saw right through him.
The system is not easy to navigate with or with out a lawyer, especially since when we need it, we are not usually in good shape. Keep in mind though, judges see the crap all the time, and hopefully you get a good one. Keep trucking, it will be over at some point.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Originally Posted by Sephra 
I did it without a lawyer.
I had filed to get child support through the state. And the day I got to court, he showed up with a lawyer (who had the reputation of a tenacious bulldog) and was going for custody. Talk about being smacked upside the head! The judge gave me the opportunity to postpone it and get a lawyer, and by that point I was so spent and jagged that I just wanted it over with so I told the judge to proceed. And you know what, I won. Judge saw right through him.
The system is not easy to navigate with or with out a lawyer, especially since when we need it, we are not usually in good shape. Keep in mind though, judges see the crap all the time, and hopefully you get a good one. Keep trucking, it will be over at some point.
I had filed to get child support through the state. And the day I got to court, he showed up with a lawyer (who had the reputation of a tenacious bulldog) and was going for custody. Talk about being smacked upside the head! The judge gave me the opportunity to postpone it and get a lawyer, and by that point I was so spent and jagged that I just wanted it over with so I told the judge to proceed. And you know what, I won. Judge saw right through him.
The system is not easy to navigate with or with out a lawyer, especially since when we need it, we are not usually in good shape. Keep in mind though, judges see the crap all the time, and hopefully you get a good one. Keep trucking, it will be over at some point.
Yup, I'm done with lawyers!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
The biggest problem that I saw/see with going in without a lawyer...
It is almost impossible (for me at least) to not let emotions get to me. In general I like to be even keeled, present a cool front, in control. But it was IMPOSSIBLE to stand up in front of the judge after hearing lies come out of the exes mouth in court, and not have a reaction, and really you have to keep your cool there.
The issues are so hard and ugly, and when they concern your kids , how can you not get emotional, especially if you've been up all night worried about going the next day.
That was my biggest challenge. That and of course fear. I doubt if I knew before hand what he had planned, or the reputation of his lawyer, if I would have chanced it. I would have probably been too scared. I was pretty surprised that I went up against his lawyer and won. Talk about an esteem boost!
I would say if you have to steel yourself for court, do so 10x more if your going in alone. Its nerve wracking. But you know what, we are stronger than we think. And it can be done. None of its fun... but I also got the added satisfaction that day of knowing he'd paid a lawyer to lose to me. heh. You KNOW that burned him up. Not just a lawyer, but a tenacious bulldog, who lost the case to a highschool dropout. So there!
It is almost impossible (for me at least) to not let emotions get to me. In general I like to be even keeled, present a cool front, in control. But it was IMPOSSIBLE to stand up in front of the judge after hearing lies come out of the exes mouth in court, and not have a reaction, and really you have to keep your cool there.
The issues are so hard and ugly, and when they concern your kids , how can you not get emotional, especially if you've been up all night worried about going the next day.
That was my biggest challenge. That and of course fear. I doubt if I knew before hand what he had planned, or the reputation of his lawyer, if I would have chanced it. I would have probably been too scared. I was pretty surprised that I went up against his lawyer and won. Talk about an esteem boost!
I would say if you have to steel yourself for court, do so 10x more if your going in alone. Its nerve wracking. But you know what, we are stronger than we think. And it can be done. None of its fun... but I also got the added satisfaction that day of knowing he'd paid a lawyer to lose to me. heh. You KNOW that burned him up. Not just a lawyer, but a tenacious bulldog, who lost the case to a highschool dropout. So there!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
I think it's impossible really. To keep full composure and calm. You just do the best you can. We are talking about our babies in danger, how can we be calm??
The one really helpful piece of advice I can give, is that your ex can't see in your head. I used to think that because he knew me so well, that he knew what I was thinking. They do not. Don't give it away. They are no longer your friend or on your side. You have to learn to be your own best friend. My ex did a lot of blowing smoke during that time. Don't believe what they tell you, whether its that they are gonna get the kids, or that they will play nice. They are NOT the authority, the judge is. They wouldn't be your ex if they were on your side.
I do get that we have to be civil and all that. Just realize, that in reality, you are on a team of one. And that's ok, I was a far better teammate to myself than my ex ever was to me. If you depend only on yourself, you don't get let down or screwed over as much. It sucks. Believe me I know. And when you are going through it, it feels like it will never be over. It will eventually. And when it is, one of the these days you will look back and realize how strong you really are.
The description of warrior is spot on. We're just to busy fighting and getting through the day to realize we are wonderwoman in disguise.
The one really helpful piece of advice I can give, is that your ex can't see in your head. I used to think that because he knew me so well, that he knew what I was thinking. They do not. Don't give it away. They are no longer your friend or on your side. You have to learn to be your own best friend. My ex did a lot of blowing smoke during that time. Don't believe what they tell you, whether its that they are gonna get the kids, or that they will play nice. They are NOT the authority, the judge is. They wouldn't be your ex if they were on your side.
I do get that we have to be civil and all that. Just realize, that in reality, you are on a team of one. And that's ok, I was a far better teammate to myself than my ex ever was to me. If you depend only on yourself, you don't get let down or screwed over as much. It sucks. Believe me I know. And when you are going through it, it feels like it will never be over. It will eventually. And when it is, one of the these days you will look back and realize how strong you really are.
The description of warrior is spot on. We're just to busy fighting and getting through the day to realize we are wonderwoman in disguise.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 293
Sephra...I feel like this will never be over. It's torture! I will not let my guard down and like you said they are NOT on our side. We are coming between them and their most prized possession (drugs)...therefore they are trying to come after our hearts (our children). I draw so much strength from other women's stories on here. You all inspire me! I hope one day to be writing my happy ending on here and that would be that my children and I are safe from my ex. Hechose...keep us posted on how you do...we are all rooting for you!!
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