PseudoWidow

My husband decided it was better to walk out on me and stop speaking to me than to get help for his self-stated Depression and addictions. We are now physically separated since he literally walked out, but we are still legally married and have to stay separated for a year before divorce can even be petitioned based on state law.
I started this process with a wide open mind and heart knowing an individual has the free will to choose, and that all users eventually have consequences and then hopefully learn from them to change behaviors.
Sadly, I've only "seen" information of increased addiction and no regard for our marriage or me as his wife.
I shouldn't be surprised since he has done the same thing to his young son...hasn't spoken to him in over a year.
He hides behind his military uniform to feed his ego and constantly receive accolades from similar types.
Thankfully he defriended me on Facebook a while ago so I don't have to see most of his self-promoting, egotistical behaviors, but it all makes me feel disgusted.
I know he chose his addictions over me, and that is his loss.
What frustrates me is when users lie, steal, cheat, etc and are still evading consequences and pain..and even often getting help from others.
It leaves me quite alone as I am a firm believer in the sacrament of marriage, but I know God knows my husband chose abuse, addiction, and abandonment to our marriage, and I did not choose those things. Only God can create a miracle to save my husband or my marriage.
Question is, if any of you all are in a similar experience, how do you truly fill your time with joy?
I feel like I'm living a lie sometimes with a spouse out there in the world that refuses to speak to me. Basically, the man I knew died.

Maudcat

Hi, PseudoW. Welcome. I can't speak directly to your situation, but there are many on this site who can. I am sure they will be along to welcome you. I'm very sorry for your pain and sense of loss. I have no answers. It just sounds like your husband is doing what addicts do, and that is painful to observe and be part of. I hope you will keep posting to this site. It is a great source of support. I am a grateful member of Al-Anon, and recommend that fellowship as another stellar support source. Peace.

Bekindalways

Welcome Pseudowidow. I am so glad you found us. I hope you will find at least a bit of support here.

A man with 4 daughters once spoke to me about his marriage. He said he thought his wife was crazy but also realized she was drinking. He went and spoke to a priest who happened to be a sober alcoholic. After he had explained the situation, the priest advised him, "Throw her naked into the snow, lock the door and do not listen to her screams." Yes, this is brutal but this priest understood addiction as he was an addict himself albeit in recovery.

I agree with you in that your husband essentially died. In spite of all your faith, hard work and will to partner with this man, the marriage never reached a sacramental level. This is not your fault. You did not cause his addiction nor could you cure it. Yes God can work miracles but God's ways are not our ways. God also calls us to live in this world with it's realities. If you jump off a cliff, God could indeed catch you but more likely God want's us all to work with the reality of gravity. Your husband is such a cliff and addiction is gravity. Please save yourself.

(Reading this over, I sound a bit pedantic. I hope you can feel a bit of the support intended even if my tone here is preachy - irk!)

Eauchiche

Well, have you explored the reasons that drove you to choose such a man?
I know this questions seems very harsh, but I am speaking from experience.

Ann

PW, I am sorry for your sad experience, addiction is truly a family disease.

You will find the joy when you realize that you hold the key to your own happiness.

My son is the addicted loved one in my life, he is an adult who can get clean but refuses to stay clean. I was able to find my balance and find joy again when I stopped living in the problem (his addiction) and began living in the solution (my recovery).

Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again, maybe look for one in your area and give it a try.

My prayers go out for you and your family.

Hugs

biminiblue

That is harsh.

Sometimes we don't know a person until we live with them. Sometimes they change after years of knowing them. I know for me it took a few years to suss out the extent of the problem. Users are pretty good liars/concealers.

The egotistical part was probably there all along, but I think it's unfair to assume that substance/alcohol abuse was always there. She didn't say that.

Some people can live with the inflated ego. Me, not so much...but it isn't the entire complaint here and I hesitate to blame the victim.

soberlicious

May appear harsh, but it was a question I've had to ask myself because all my life I've chosen poorly. Even partners who appeared very different from one another shared many of the same characteristics like emotional unavailability, tendencies to control, or issues with addiction...even though I often didn't realize it at first. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, but many of my choices were (subconsciously) driven by my relationship with my father. For me it was worth looking at and being aware, so as not to continue more years of unwittingly choosing partners who would cause me pain. Still working on it though. This crap runs deep with some of us.

In any event, I'm very sorry you are going through this, pseudo. I know the pain of abandonment can be devastating.

Hechosedrugs

Pseudo wife,

I' m so sorry for what you're going through. I am also divorcing a veteran. Mine, too, is a shameless self-promoter, and a liar, at that. I believed all his stories when we first got together, but bit by bit his story crumbled. One day I saw him forging a bronze star award, "Why are you doing that," I asked. "Oh, just playing around with this computer program." The next day his dad made a special trip from 3 hours away to congratulate him on his award. "Aren't you proud of your husband?" He asked. I couldn't believe he put me on the spot like that. But I went along with it. And I think that was sort of my test, and I must have passed. Because from that day forward I was expected to go along with all sorts of lies, including becoming his caregiver, for which I was paid a thousand dollars a month (but he took every penny and blew through it all). I finally had enough and called to withdraw from the program. He then made his mom his caregiver.

His dad has a podcast where he tells stories about God, and so many of them revolve around his son's amazing war stories, none of which are true. Sometimes I get the urge to leave a comment telling him, but if he didn't believe me about his son's drug use, why would he believe me about this? Especially when he has so much invested in it.

It really is despicable, though. I've noticed he's started wearing his dog tags consistently. He's probably laying the war hero act on real thick with his new girl. Oh, well. She'll learn.

But enough about me...

I know you're in inexplicable pain, but I have to say, you sound like you have a pretty firm grasp on the reality of the situation, and in many ways, that's the hardest part. You know that you didn't cause his addiction and can't cure it. Bravo! No easy task. You are right to be frustrated by his lying, cheating and stealing and getting away with it. But he's not going to get away with it. You may never see the karma bus roll in, but it will. It always does. Sometimes the best revenge is us living well without them. So get to it! Do whatever you can to be sociable- DO NOT ISOLATE! That's number one, and social media doesn't count here. You need face to face interaction. Are you in a program? CR has done wonders for me, others swear by CODA, Nar-anon, etc. I also did a step study through CR that was extremely beneficial- I got to know a great group of women. Go looking for little adventures. You'd be surprised how many free/cheap events there are.

My divorce has been going on for 7 months now (really, more like a year, because I filed last November, but we reconciled.) It took me a loooong time to get to where I am, but I no longer pine for him (and boy, did I pine!) I no longer want things to work out- I actually had a nightmare that we reconciled. I am so excited for my future. I cannot wait to start dating (but I am waiting, because my standards are sky-high now- I'm not letting another degenerate into my kids' lives). I do still feel like my heart's been ripped out when I hear about the other woman, but I recognize that that has a whole lot more to do with me and my feelings of inadequacy than any affections toward him. And it's getting better, and will continue to get better, I'm sure.

I, too, agree that the post about why you chose him was harsh. My STBX was a master manipulator who had everyone fooled. I was told I was the luckiest woman alive by so many people. Addiction and manipulation go hand in hand.

Good on you for banning him from your FB page. Stick to that and don't peek at his. It's torture. Just keep working on yourself. I am amazed at who I'm becoming. I'm really building a reputation for myself at my church and my children's charter school, because I'm always volunteering. I really like this new me! I think you'll be saying that about yourself soon.

Take care of yourself. Grieve, and then do your best to get past that stage. Don't linger too long.

All the best.

dandylion

In fairness to Euchiche.....I didn't read it as "blaming the victim", at all....
I do believe, that, as we process all that has happened to us in our lives and relationships...we come to a part where we have to examine the role or the dynamics that shed light on our roles......Such questions as why did we act as we acted....why did we make the decisions that we made....what were our needs that were being filled (at the time).....how did our past l ife experiences influence us....what baggage do we carry.....
This is all for our own self understanding...not to lay blame....
***We are only called on to wear the shoe that fits.....(the factors that apply).....

In my case, with my first husband....I had no way of knowing his a-holeness or narcissism....It was my youth, nieviety, and inexperience with men that led me to choose a person that I was completely incompatable with. I was raised in a very, very strict environment. It was. also, a very sexist environment. I could weep from my lack of knowledge in this area.....
LOL..you can believe me...that I learned a lot from that marriage and have continued to learn, the rest of my l ife, so far........

My heart goes o ut to PsoudoWife.....I recognize her pain....

biminiblue

I understand dandylion (and soberlicious) but come on, it's her second post!

One of the reasons I left recovery rooms is this unwavering belief that nothing happens to us - we create all our reality. I call bull on that. Sometimes people are in fact victims.

Neither you nor I know much about the OP. Jeez, we don't have to jump all the way into her FOO in the first thread - with no backstory.

Of course we are each the product of our past - all of it. Hopefully we all learn and are made stronger by our trials and traumas. I just am not one to "go there" on a first post. We know virtually nothing about her.

PseudoWidow, I also feel for you and have been through many situations that I had no way to predict. I don't believe that we always have that gift - sometimes things just go from good to bad. Some "types" of men are easy to peg. Some, not so much until we're up to our ass in alligators.

soberlicious

Well, pretty sure I framed my response about me. I even said it may not be the case with the OP. I wasn't jumping into her FOO, I was jumping into mine. Lurkers read these threads and I thought maybe someone else would benefit from my experience, that's all...nothing more nothing less.

I absolutely agree. I once heard a person ask another person what "her part" was in her abuse as a child. I was floored. No child has any part in anything like that ever. Nor do many adults who find themselves in abusive situations as adults.

My point was (in my post about me) that I began to see a pattern as an adult, so I wanted to learn if there was anything that was driving me that I hadn't been previously aware of. I became aware that I was accepting things from others that were unacceptable but I didn't know how to not do that.

dandylion

I do agree with bimini's position that, yes, there are victims. And, I also, agree that child victims of abuse are just that--victims.

Yes, it is true that this is the OP;s second post....and that there should be no "victim blaming". I just don't think that is what Euachiche meant to do......
Perhaps it was a question that could have been asked further down the line.....
(for all of us)....

I do believe that all of us understand the pain of abandonment that Pseudowife
is going through.....to just walk away from a wife and child is an awful thing to do, in my opinion....

PseudoWife...I hope that you will continue to post, here, and , perhaps, share with us the back story of what this has been for you....
I know that a multitude of other posters have been in your very shoes....
This forum is big on compassion and empathy (as well as straight talk, sometimes).......
I know that this must feel like a low point for you....but, I promise that this is not the end of your story and that it won't always be like this...I promise!

biminiblue

Well, in every one of my failed relationships we chose each other. I mean, that's a "duh" moment if there ever was one.

So for me the bottom line lesson is that I take extreme caution when I choose friends or life partners. Going slow is the solution, guarding my heart, knowing myself and listening to my inner wisdom.

I just don't think it's possible to foresee many problems. For me the final solution has been to stay single for many decades - so believe me, I've learned my lesson very well - maybe too well. I think people can change away from one another. They may have both had good intentions at one point, but something changes. It may be the dance or it may be one or the other or both of them that has deep unresolved issues. It may just be not wanting to do it any more and not caring to examine it. It's easier to walk away for many.

I don't think there is a nice little bow to put on relationships. I don't know anyone who is in one that hasn't come up against some big issue.

Being abandoned is pretty traumatizing for everyone, children and adults alike. There are no easy platitudes either, it just takes time to heal and acceptance of what is.

Eauchiche

Dear Pseudowidow
Some of my friends here have wisely pointed out that my post to you came across as insensitive. For this I deeply apologize. This was not my intent.
When I posted that comment, I had 4 fingers pointed back at me. The issue I addressed is one that I have spent a lot of time pondering about my own situation.
I hope you can feel comfortable and safe in sharing with us here.

greeteachday

Can we get back to the question Pseudo Widow came here asking? Thank you

Eauchiche

Well, All I can really do is turn to my higher power with abandon.

Barkley77

It is a surreal feeling but you describe it well..to know he is out in the world but the man you loved has died. That feeling resonates strongly with me and it is beyond heartbreaking at some points. But sometimes comes an acceptance that you have done all that you could and for whatever reason God is leading you in a new direction because you cannot make your husband ready to be clean and you don't deserve to take a backseat to the selfishness that is addiction. Prayers, focus on self-love and improvement are important.

PseudoWidow

To the post about exploring choosing a man like him. Of course...but my husband was sober and a completely different man. Nobody recognizes him now. I am a licensed therapist and we did all the deep work and spiritual work before even considering getting married. He had none of these traits nor behaviors. Consistent, honest, sober.....we even lived together for a while so I definitely knew him thoroughly for a few years before deciding.

PseudoWidow

Thank you!
I feel we do have some similar experiences, but sounds like some of hours were even more extreme. Lying for him? Wow.
I didn't block him on Facebook.... He blocked me.
I know in a way it is good protection...it was just further evidence of his manipulation. He kept my friends and I know it was an attempt to get a rise out of me, but he didn't. I never mentioned it because he refuses to speak to me anyway.
Only communication happens concerning a bill issue to settle, and even most of those he stopped replying. instead, he has left me havinv to deal with Hus commanders. Very childish. Sad.

PseudoWidow

Thank you!
I do all the steps, go to a group, pray, meditate, ....the list goes on.....just looking for new ideas.