Abandoned wife
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Ann 
You will find the joy when you realize that you hold the key to your own happiness.
Meetings have helped many of us find our balance again, maybe look for one in your area and give it a try.
Hugs
I have been to Al-anon and bible study groups they definitely help.
I just didn't get married,.and at a late age....to be doing things alone again. It's just not how iost enjoy myself. I can do it...just don't love it.
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Hi PW- my drinking destroyed our marriage. Settled last week- agreed to everything my wife wanted. Too much damage and hurt- the least I can do to try and offer closure so healing can start for her. I am saying this because reading the posts here, plus AA and an obsessive drive to really understand what I had turned into helped me agree to stuff with a certain degree of clumsy grace. I wish you- and all the others going through this soul tearing stuff well. PJ
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Hi PW- my drinking destroyed our marriage. Settled last week- agreed to everything my wife wanted. Too much damage and hurt- the least I can do to try and offer closure so healing can start for her. I am saying this because reading the posts here, plus AA and an obsessive drive to really understand what I had turned into helped me agree to stuff with a certain degree of clumsy grace. I wish you- and all the others going through this soul tearing stuff well. PJ
I, however, am keeping safe distance and trying to keep taking steps towards joy. I'm thriving, but hate not doing so with my sober husband.
Best of luck in your journey in continued sobriety.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
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Originally Posted by soberlicious
May appear harsh, but it was a question I've had to ask myself because all my life I've chosen poorly. Even partners who appeared very different from one another shared many of the same characteristics like emotional unavailability, tendencies to control, or issues with addiction...even though I often didn't realize it at first. I'm not saying this is the case with the OP, but many of my choices were (subconsciously) driven by my relationship with my father. For me it was worth looking at and being aware, so as not to continue more years of unwittingly choosing partners who would cause me pain. Still working on it though. This crap runs deep with some of us. In any event, I'm very sorry you are going through this, pseudo. I know the pain of abandonment can be devastating.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Originally Posted by dandylion
In fairness to Euchiche.....I didn't read it as "blaming the victim", at all.... I do believe, that, as we process all that has happened to us in our lives and relationships...we come to a part where we have to examine the role or the dynamics that shed light on our roles......Such questions as why did we act as we acted....why did we make the decisions that we made....what were our needs that were being filled (at the time).....how did our past l ife experiences influence us....what baggage do we carry..... This is all for our own self understanding...not to lay blame.... ***We are only called on to wear the shoe that fits.....(the factors that apply)..... In my case, with my first husband....I had no way of knowing his a-holeness or narcissism....It was my youth, nieviety, and inexperience with men that led me to choose a person that I was completely incompatable with. I was raised in a very, very strict environment. It was. also, a very sexist environment. I could weep from my lack of knowledge in this area..... LOL..you can believe me...that I learned a lot from that marriage and have continued to learn, the rest of my l ife, so far........ My heart goes o ut to PsoudoWife.....I recognize her pain....
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Being in nature and socialising help as well as information.
Joy is in freedom, laughter, love, letting go and acceptance.
To be alive, feel alive is joyful.
Re-connecting with Mother Nature and learning to love me, even when lonely by not isolating and doing things that make me happy.
Joy in simple pleasures and gratitude for those little things.
I hope you find the joy you are seeking and a life filled with moments of warmth in humanity
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Joy is in freedom, laughter, love, letting go and acceptance.
To be alive, feel alive is joyful.
Re-connecting with Mother Nature and learning to love me, even when lonely by not isolating and doing things that make me happy.
Joy in simple pleasures and gratitude for those little things.
I hope you find the joy you are seeking and a life filled with moments of warmth in humanity
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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Some days are better, but the manipulation tactics that my husband will try on me via email is so old. I'm no longer engaging in any of his drama or games.
Keeping things to facts and only necessary contact.
I'm hoping the holidays will be joyful and still praying he finds some awareness and chooses to get help.
Keeping things to facts and only necessary contact.
I'm hoping the holidays will be joyful and still praying he finds some awareness and chooses to get help.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
the more distance you get, the more you can really see his "antics" and NOT react. because there is no need. none it all.
while it is "kind" to pray for him to - find reason, come to his senses, get better - that can be a slippery slope for us, because it keeps us attached to a specific outcome that WE hope for.
wishing you every joy during this holiday season. may you be surrounded by those who truly love you.
while it is "kind" to pray for him to - find reason, come to his senses, get better - that can be a slippery slope for us, because it keeps us attached to a specific outcome that WE hope for.
wishing you every joy during this holiday season. may you be surrounded by those who truly love you.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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PseudoW - welcome to the forum!
Hugs to you and sorry you are going through this much of pain.
Good for you not engaging in his chaos - it will save you a lot of energy.
As for joy - what helps me is going small things that I enjoy and concentrate on a present moment.
I.e. decorating the house (nothing like a big project - maybe finding a few things I like or making them), re-engaging in forgotten hobbies (knitting, crocheting, painting), excercise (hiking, running, trails, trying new workouts at home (single mother - no time for gym), learning to cook new dishes, playing the piano everyday. I make a list of things I enjoy (it is a long list) and make sure to do at least one item from the list every day of the week, more on weekends.
I also try to stay connected with friends - mostly over the phone/internet, occasionally we manage to meet up
I really look forward to this Christmas season - looking at decorated streets and shops is free DS and I are going to the botanical gardens for a Christmas lights tour tomorrow evening
Hugs to you and sorry you are going through this much of pain.
Good for you not engaging in his chaos - it will save you a lot of energy.
As for joy - what helps me is going small things that I enjoy and concentrate on a present moment.
I.e. decorating the house (nothing like a big project - maybe finding a few things I like or making them), re-engaging in forgotten hobbies (knitting, crocheting, painting), excercise (hiking, running, trails, trying new workouts at home (single mother - no time for gym), learning to cook new dishes, playing the piano everyday. I make a list of things I enjoy (it is a long list) and make sure to do at least one item from the list every day of the week, more on weekends.
I also try to stay connected with friends - mostly over the phone/internet, occasionally we manage to meet up
I really look forward to this Christmas season - looking at decorated streets and shops is free
DS and I are going to the botanical gardens for a Christmas lights tour tomorrow evening Member
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".....how do you truly fill your time with joy?....."
Boy, that kind of question is going to get lots of answers, I would think. For one thing-there is the whole time factor. Do you have time to do what you enjoy? For some folks they sort of need to re-discover what it is that brings them true joy....as the relationship they came from may have taken a lot of joy out of them. Maybe that is where you are at. I try not to be around people I call "joy suckers" very much.
I sure don't think it happens overnight, but is likely more of a process. Their can be roadblocks to joy; whatever it is in life that is standing in the way. You may discover joy in doing things you never thought you would before....so give yourself some time; try new things. Get out of your comfort if you've not already done so and just let it unfold.
For myself, there are so many things I get joy from, but time seems to be fleeting by so fast....I get frustrated by not seeming to have enough time to enjoy it all (at my own pace).
Boy, that kind of question is going to get lots of answers, I would think. For one thing-there is the whole time factor. Do you have time to do what you enjoy? For some folks they sort of need to re-discover what it is that brings them true joy....as the relationship they came from may have taken a lot of joy out of them. Maybe that is where you are at. I try not to be around people I call "joy suckers" very much.
I sure don't think it happens overnight, but is likely more of a process. Their can be roadblocks to joy; whatever it is in life that is standing in the way. You may discover joy in doing things you never thought you would before....so give yourself some time; try new things. Get out of your comfort if you've not already done so and just let it unfold.
For myself, there are so many things I get joy from, but time seems to be fleeting by so fast....I get frustrated by not seeming to have enough time to enjoy it all (at my own pace).
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Originally Posted by teatreeoil007
".....how do you truly fill your time with joy?....."
Boy, that kind of question is going to get lots of answers, I would think. For one thing-there is the whole time factor. Do you have time to do what you enjoy? For some folks they sort of need to re-discover what it is that brings them true joy....as the relationship they came from may have taken a lot of joy out of them. Maybe that is where you are at. I try not to be around people I call "joy suckers" very much.
I sure don't think it happens overnight, but is likely more of a process. Their can be roadblocks to joy; whatever it is in life that is standing in the way. You may discover joy in doing things you never thought you would before....so give yourself some time; try new things. Get out of your comfort if you've not already done so and just let it unfold.
For myself, there are so many things I get joy from, but time seems to be fleeting by so fast....I get frustrated by not seeming to have enough time to enjoy it all (at my own pace).
Boy, that kind of question is going to get lots of answers, I would think. For one thing-there is the whole time factor. Do you have time to do what you enjoy? For some folks they sort of need to re-discover what it is that brings them true joy....as the relationship they came from may have taken a lot of joy out of them. Maybe that is where you are at. I try not to be around people I call "joy suckers" very much.
I sure don't think it happens overnight, but is likely more of a process. Their can be roadblocks to joy; whatever it is in life that is standing in the way. You may discover joy in doing things you never thought you would before....so give yourself some time; try new things. Get out of your comfort if you've not already done so and just let it unfold.
For myself, there are so many things I get joy from, but time seems to be fleeting by so fast....I get frustrated by not seeming to have enough time to enjoy it all (at my own pace).
I have learned to find more and more joy the more I met go of everything related to my husband and leave it in God's hands. My life will keep moving regardless of the outcome of my marriage.
I am relearning how to put myself first and work at enjoying the solitude. It isn't ideal, but it is reality. Trying to make the best of a tragic situation.
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Hi PW- my drinking destroyed our marriage. Settled last week- agreed to everything my wife wanted. Too much damage and hurt- the least I can do to try and offer closure so healing can start for her. I am saying this because reading the posts here, plus AA and an obsessive drive to really understand what I had turned into helped me agree to stuff with a certain degree of clumsy grace. I wish you- and all the others going through this soul tearing stuff well. PJ
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Originally Posted by PseudoWidow
Hi Phoenix. I am impressed with your level of healing and accountability. Addiction is the worst destructive illness and causes much harm to all around. I wish my husband would get to your level, and I will continue to pray for him to choose to do so.
I, however, am keeping safe distance and trying to keep taking steps towards joy. I'm thriving, but hate not doing so with my sober husband.
Best of luck in your journey in continued sobriety.
I, however, am keeping safe distance and trying to keep taking steps towards joy. I'm thriving, but hate not doing so with my sober husband.
Best of luck in your journey in continued sobriety.
Yes!!!
I too pray from a safe distance since he walked out. Sounds like our story is similar in the path of prayer and hope with detaching with love and hope for healing.
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Originally Posted by CelticZebra
I have similar problems with my 'choice' of man, like my father, emotionally traumatised and addicts with no respect for others whom have to live their own journeys. I am now on my road to recovery and healing, slowly but with hope for my future and learning more about me as a result. You will find a way through the pain and remember that 'this too shall pass e.g. You won't always feel the same.
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
Yes, I totally agree with you that one has to really look deep within in order to pick a partner. I only did so later in life with much deep reflection, guidance, and soul-searching. We had plenty of time to explore and delve into the very challenging conversations and topics that i believe all couples should do before any major commitment. My husband was clean/sober because he is active duty, but then found himself falling back into addictions which I did not think would be a possibility since he is so committed to his job. I was wrong. Even though I know addiction does not discriminate, I thought there was definitely a protection. I have obviously learned differently. My sober husband and the current afflicted man are like two completely different men....night and day. I know it is best for him to be on his path to find his way. Detaching with love is healing for us both....even if he has no idea. I have also learned that even though he does not get a pass for choosing his addiction Journey, we have very different ideas of what the sacrament of marriage and Devotion to Family actually mean.
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I married my husband not truly knowing what might lay ahead. It's only in the past few years, since I stopped drinking, that I've been able to research more into recovery and the mental health issues that arise from addiction that I can und Rostand my husband is/was an alcoholic and he suffers from PTSD (non-forces) and although he no longer drinks either this doesn't change his fundamental beliefs or help him with recovery from addiction or learning how to cope/heal from all the emotional pain.
I was a single parent before and I am confident to be so again, if necessary, for all of our family stuck living in this cycle of dysfunction, I can't abandon any of them but work on my own recovery and healing in the hope the children will learn hope and healing are possible no matter how our lives begin. Human love and compassion for not only our loved ones but ourselves whom also deserve a joyful and peaceful life
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
I was a single parent before and I am confident to be so again, if necessary, for all of our family stuck living in this cycle of dysfunction, I can't abandon any of them but work on my own recovery and healing in the hope the children will learn hope and healing are possible no matter how our lives begin. Human love and compassion for not only our loved ones but ourselves whom also deserve a joyful and peaceful life
Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself
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