update after a month
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
update after a month
Well, I have an appt. with the new therapist today, and am hoping for a better fit than the other one. Husband is supposed to be coming with me.
So, in the past month, here is what's gone on... I believe that addicted stepson has been clean from the heroin and meth. He signed up for the court diversion program, (to stay out of legal trouble) and has gotten a job. The diversion has consisted of one meeting and probation officers showing up to check on his curfew about once a week. He has to call in every night to verify he is at home. Those are all positive things for sure.
However... it is also supposed to include 3 meetings a week. He has not attended any. I know he was "stressed out" this past weekend and looking for pot. I believe he is refraining from hard drugs but is not really working on any recovery program as he doesn't think he needs it. I know in the past month I've seen his color come back and he is starting to look healthier. I also know I've seen him begin to complain about pain every day and start to get that itchiness.
As far as relationship between husband and I... not so good really. Been still feeling like the bad guy in the situation for the past month and that I am not liked very much. That's the worst part, feeling the contempt. He started a new job today , to help with the added expenses of his son living with us. Which means that stepson is at the house alone today. Hard to reconcile in my mind, when a month ago we were locking the place up like fort knox against him.
I still feel like he wants to live like he has no responsibilities, was always this way even before the drugs. I am trying to give him the opportunity to get clean and save money for an apt. It is hard, because I don't have a lot of faith in it. I am hopeful but not a lot of faith. Hard to be supportive but I'm trying.
Been in a bad way for the past two months, but not feeling such spinning anymore, or crisis, just sort of resigned. (I guess, in my own head, I've given a time limit of the turn of the year, and then revisit)
Had a friend stop by and tell me, her bf an x addict is using again. She has a plan, and told him exactly where it lies. Hard to watch and know what I oughta do and feel like I can't do it. (Don't want to, not cant) not easy.
So, in the past month, here is what's gone on... I believe that addicted stepson has been clean from the heroin and meth. He signed up for the court diversion program, (to stay out of legal trouble) and has gotten a job. The diversion has consisted of one meeting and probation officers showing up to check on his curfew about once a week. He has to call in every night to verify he is at home. Those are all positive things for sure.
However... it is also supposed to include 3 meetings a week. He has not attended any. I know he was "stressed out" this past weekend and looking for pot. I believe he is refraining from hard drugs but is not really working on any recovery program as he doesn't think he needs it. I know in the past month I've seen his color come back and he is starting to look healthier. I also know I've seen him begin to complain about pain every day and start to get that itchiness.
As far as relationship between husband and I... not so good really. Been still feeling like the bad guy in the situation for the past month and that I am not liked very much. That's the worst part, feeling the contempt. He started a new job today , to help with the added expenses of his son living with us. Which means that stepson is at the house alone today. Hard to reconcile in my mind, when a month ago we were locking the place up like fort knox against him.
I still feel like he wants to live like he has no responsibilities, was always this way even before the drugs. I am trying to give him the opportunity to get clean and save money for an apt. It is hard, because I don't have a lot of faith in it. I am hopeful but not a lot of faith. Hard to be supportive but I'm trying.
Been in a bad way for the past two months, but not feeling such spinning anymore, or crisis, just sort of resigned. (I guess, in my own head, I've given a time limit of the turn of the year, and then revisit)
Had a friend stop by and tell me, her bf an x addict is using again. She has a plan, and told him exactly where it lies. Hard to watch and know what I oughta do and feel like I can't do it. (Don't want to, not cant) not easy.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Sephra. I'm happy to hear that your stepson is clean. That must be a relief. Not so great that he isn't working a program. Always a relapse worry. Hope the new counselor is helpful. Hard to find a good fit, isn't it? I have been to several throughout my life and, honestly, I should have saved the money. But..that's me. As to you and your husband, no advice. Just...he has his path to walk and you have yours. Best wishes and good luck going forward.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
sounds like your stepson's 3 meetings are part of a requirement for his diversion. I think that's a good thing! Hopefully they will hold him accountable for these soon. Glad to hear he's clean at the moment. Hold onto that.....one day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Well, I was wrong. I will be attending the session alone.
I wish I had faith in the diversion program, but my stepdaughter went through it, never went to one meeting and came up dirty on every single drug test. They never held her accountable. For anything. All it did was buy her time out of jail. Not sure if other programs are set up differently, but I know he is in the same as she was. No help anywhere through the system around here.
I wish I had faith in the diversion program, but my stepdaughter went through it, never went to one meeting and came up dirty on every single drug test. They never held her accountable. For anything. All it did was buy her time out of jail. Not sure if other programs are set up differently, but I know he is in the same as she was. No help anywhere through the system around here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
I'm sure it's disappointing to be attending alone, but get what you can out of it....for YOU.
I just started attending a couple of weeks ago myself. Still feeling things out at this point, but I hope to make some progress soon.
I just started attending a couple of weeks ago myself. Still feeling things out at this point, but I hope to make some progress soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
In truth, it's probably better that I go alone.
The last time we went together, he said one thing there and totally did another at home. He doesn't really think that his son has a problem, (thinks it's under control) or that he does, he is extremely codependent. They both think I am the one with a problem. And I am, I guess. I m just sad, logically I know what has to be done. I just don't know that I have the stamina to do it. I keep hoping it will just go away. I need to set a realistic time limit in my head. I don't want to sabotage it if ss is really on his way to getting clean.
The last time we went together, he said one thing there and totally did another at home. He doesn't really think that his son has a problem, (thinks it's under control) or that he does, he is extremely codependent. They both think I am the one with a problem. And I am, I guess. I m just sad, logically I know what has to be done. I just don't know that I have the stamina to do it. I keep hoping it will just go away. I need to set a realistic time limit in my head. I don't want to sabotage it if ss is really on his way to getting clean.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Things will evolve and become clear. You probably already know what you should do for you and are gathering strength to do it. Set a calendar timeline if you think it will help, but I'm guessing you have an internal timeline that you can trust. Peace.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
seohra...I am thinking that t would be good to have the counselor to yourself to help you work on your "stamina".....
It is a hard, hard, tough road to get off heroine and meth.....and, if the son is not going full tilt into the program.....I would be very cautious....
It is a hard, hard, tough road to get off heroine and meth.....and, if the son is not going full tilt into the program.....I would be very cautious....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Wilmington, DE
Posts: 393
Sephra,
Glad that your son is clean and that you are finding some counseling for yourself. You need the support, just like the rest of us.
Have you investigated Nar-Anon, CR or CoDA? I found, and am still finding, MY recovery at Nar-Anon. It is really nice to have a roomful of people that you can talk to who truly understand your fears, anger and anxiety.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Glad that your son is clean and that you are finding some counseling for yourself. You need the support, just like the rest of us.
Have you investigated Nar-Anon, CR or CoDA? I found, and am still finding, MY recovery at Nar-Anon. It is really nice to have a roomful of people that you can talk to who truly understand your fears, anger and anxiety.
Keep coming back,
Jim
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Like Jim, meetings were what I needed to find my balance again and get the courage to do what I needed to do to take care of myself. I love that the meetings are about US. Just going to a place that is not about anyone else but us and being surrounded by people who truly understand and who can share their own experience, strength and hope is a wonderful thing.
I pray you continue to take care of yourself, no matter how everyone and everything else unfolds.
Hugs
I pray you continue to take care of yourself, no matter how everyone and everything else unfolds.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: NORTHFIELD
Posts: 188
Well, I have to say I am happily encouraged.
The appointment I had yesterday went really really well. I like her, a lot.
Which I think is of course, half the battle.
There was too much to really talk about, in that first appointment. And we set up another one for next week, and I will probably plan on just seeing her alone for now. Unless husband decides he wants to come.
She asked me a lot of good questions, and I love her background and experience. And more importantly, she cut through the bs and said some really realistic things that were important for me to hear.
As when I worked with a (good) counselor before, I expect some tough stuff to come up, it's like opening pandora's box for me. But for as much as I was dreading going , I walked out of there feeling much better about working with her and getting something out of it. FABULOUS. Cause in truth , if it didn't go well with this one, I was probably going to throw in the towel on the idea.
As for ss, he is supposed to have curfew at 7pm (court diversion ordered) at our house. Asked his dad to spend the night at some girls house, dad told him he didn't think it was so good an idea, but that it was up to him, as he is an adult. So, he spent the night with the girl. Because in both their minds, "he's been doing so good, he should be rewarded" my only real comment, was that he had yet to be to a (court diversion ordered 3/week) meeting, nor looked into it, he's been in the diversion for about a month now.
This is the second time though that he has gone out for the night to get laid, since moving in with us a little over a month ago. He is expecting his first paycheck soon. And as far as I know, only seen his kid for about 2 hours, once, in that time.
Still what I see, is no responsibilities. I think at this point, the only thing his dad is requiring is to have a job (cause it is NOT ACCEPTABLE for me that he does not, they both felt I was pushing too hard on the job thing and that he should just take his time finding one) and not use hard drugs. Which are both good and important. But not the reality of what the responsibilities of a 25 year old with a 5 year old son include. I don't know, child support, food, shelter, utilities... he believes everything in life is free. I guess because, for him, it always has been. I'm giving it two paychecks until I step in. After 2 paychecks if he has money set aside, I will let it ride. And, I've decided I want to see the paystubs. If my gut is right and there is no money saved, I am going to tell him I want rent, then I'll put some of it aside to start saving for an apt for him and the rest can go to the added expenses of having him there. or they can come up with a new plan. But if they won't give me a time table, I guess I'll have to make my own. (cause I've seen his time table ideas before...which is , lets just wing it...)
I guess I'm still in jerk mode, but man, I soooo do not care about this kids social life. How bout cleaning up the messes you've already made, rather than making more. How bout taking care of your OWN kid instead of some girl you just met who has one of her own? Ah sorry... just don't get the logic, at all.
The appointment I had yesterday went really really well. I like her, a lot.
Which I think is of course, half the battle.
There was too much to really talk about, in that first appointment. And we set up another one for next week, and I will probably plan on just seeing her alone for now. Unless husband decides he wants to come.
She asked me a lot of good questions, and I love her background and experience. And more importantly, she cut through the bs and said some really realistic things that were important for me to hear.
As when I worked with a (good) counselor before, I expect some tough stuff to come up, it's like opening pandora's box for me. But for as much as I was dreading going , I walked out of there feeling much better about working with her and getting something out of it. FABULOUS. Cause in truth , if it didn't go well with this one, I was probably going to throw in the towel on the idea.
As for ss, he is supposed to have curfew at 7pm (court diversion ordered) at our house. Asked his dad to spend the night at some girls house, dad told him he didn't think it was so good an idea, but that it was up to him, as he is an adult. So, he spent the night with the girl. Because in both their minds, "he's been doing so good, he should be rewarded" my only real comment, was that he had yet to be to a (court diversion ordered 3/week) meeting, nor looked into it, he's been in the diversion for about a month now.
This is the second time though that he has gone out for the night to get laid, since moving in with us a little over a month ago. He is expecting his first paycheck soon. And as far as I know, only seen his kid for about 2 hours, once, in that time.
Still what I see, is no responsibilities. I think at this point, the only thing his dad is requiring is to have a job (cause it is NOT ACCEPTABLE for me that he does not, they both felt I was pushing too hard on the job thing and that he should just take his time finding one) and not use hard drugs. Which are both good and important. But not the reality of what the responsibilities of a 25 year old with a 5 year old son include. I don't know, child support, food, shelter, utilities... he believes everything in life is free. I guess because, for him, it always has been. I'm giving it two paychecks until I step in. After 2 paychecks if he has money set aside, I will let it ride. And, I've decided I want to see the paystubs. If my gut is right and there is no money saved, I am going to tell him I want rent, then I'll put some of it aside to start saving for an apt for him and the rest can go to the added expenses of having him there. or they can come up with a new plan. But if they won't give me a time table, I guess I'll have to make my own. (cause I've seen his time table ideas before...which is , lets just wing it...)
I guess I'm still in jerk mode, but man, I soooo do not care about this kids social life. How bout cleaning up the messes you've already made, rather than making more. How bout taking care of your OWN kid instead of some girl you just met who has one of her own? Ah sorry... just don't get the logic, at all.
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