Sunshine1234

Just an update...my STBXAH and I are going head to head with a custody battle right now...although he is really pretty much doing nothing...but yet still gets to go on his merry way without any "consequences". I put that in quotes because seeing your kids supervised sounds like a HUGE consequence to me. I have requested he submit to a hair follicle test which he agreed to in his counter petition but now states he doesn't have any hair (although shows up day in and day out to see the kids with a head of hair and a beard...SERIOUSLY?!), he failed to turn in his financial affidavit on the due date and ceased giving me any financial support..but yet he still shows up to see the kids and puts on this big fake "daddy loves you act" and showers them with gifts. So really in his mind where are the consequences?! He gets to do whatever drugs he's doing and still see his kids while I scrape by financially and live in this anxiety of what is going to happen next? Of course my attorney is working on getting all of these issues taken care of but everything takes so much time and in the mean time he gets to continue his drugs and bring his unpredictable self around the kids. I look at him now and I have NO clue who this man is. He seems like a complete stranger to me. I spend countless hours trying to figure out what he's thinking but I just can't wrap my head around his actions. I hate this and I hate waiting for something to happen!! This is such a process!

Ann

I am glad your lawyer is on this.

Don't worry about his consequences, addiction always catches up in time. His life is awful as long as he uses drugs even if he pretends otherwise.

Just live your life well and make your own plans for your future and take very good care of your children.

Hugs

zoso77

How's that working so far?

Mind you, I'm not trying to be flippant. It is also true, however, that trying to figure out how an addict thinks is like entering infinite cognitive loop where you get stuck asking yourself the same questions over and over again.

So hit Ctrl-C, and read this very carefully.

It is very true that our current circumstances in life are the aggregate result of all our decisions, for good for ill. If one keeps making awful decisions without paying attention to the intended and unintended consequences, there will come moment of reckoning, and that moment will come on its own schedule, not when others think it should come. So pay attention to yourself, not him.

Hechosedrugs

So sorry for what you're going through. I remember when my ex drained my bank account. This was before my parents stepped in to help, and I barely had money to feed my children. He showed up for visitation with a car full of toys. I had to really bite my tongue when they raved about all the gifts Daddy bought them.

I realize I'm biased, but I hate the idea of supervised visitation. It seems stressful to the children and I just don't think parents who choose drugs over their children deserve to have them in their lives.

And what a creep for saying he can't submit to a drug test because he has no hair.

But Zoso is right. We have to get over worrying about what they're thinking. Because we couldn't possibly understand. We don't live moment to moment and only to satisfy urges. We don't have our consciences muffled by drugs.

Walking with you. Stay strong.

Impurrfect

So sorry you and your kids are going through. I'm not only a recovering codependent with many A loved ones, I'm an RA.

Consequences WILL always catch up on both sides of recovery. As an A, I finally had enough when I kept getting locked up.

As a codie? I had enough when I realized I was had no control over the A. I have a niece who I really wish would learn what consequences are but she seems to have a lot of enablers. Many are fed up but my dad is one of the major enablers.

I get angry with all that she gets away with, but I now for a fact - it WILL all catch up to her.

I don't know where you live, but I would check into a guardian ad litem. They work for the kids and can go to the court if they sense kids are suffering in any kind of way.

As always, Zoso's post is spot on.

Sunshine1234

Such good points by all! I know it does nothing to try and wonder what is going through his head. I just wish there could be some accountability on his part. But I guess that is something that doesn't go with addiction. We are in the process of hiring a guardian ad litem. I hope he or she can see the truth in all of this and that he just throws gifts at the kids and nothing else. He also bribes our daughter with trips when he comes over. I hate that he plays with her head. Such a long road ahead but I just pray my kids don't have to live under his chaotic roof.

Sunshine1234

I couldn't agree more. I don't want my kids to have a half a*s father who comes over high and won't even help support them financially. It's sick!

Nata1980

Ugh I feel for you. My XAH cannot afford supervisor so it is always a hit or miss - sometimes he has a relative with him that I trust, sometimes he shows up without supervisor and I get to hang out with him all weekend. Yay! Not

He has passed all of his tests, and is paying child support (very minimal since he does not make any money and I make decent living) so those are positives. Unreliability, inability to provide a supervisor, flakiness and frequent plan changes are negatives.

Hang in there.

atalose

Do you have legal set visitation hours? If not then get your attorney to petition the courts right away for a schedule that works best for you. Say something like every other weekend and a phone call on Wednesday nights. Just NOT seeing him or having to have as much contact with him yourself can bring some relief.

Sunshine1234

My attorney is working on getting this done asap. Can't come soon enough.